Best: Aggressive Jack Swagger, Ignoring The Weed And The Whole Conservative Baiting Thing
One of my favorite things about wrestling right now is Jack Swagger’s REARGHHH knee strike. He does it 15 times per match. He’ll catch you running with a knee to the gut, then shove you into the corner and just REARGHHH the crap out of you. I love it. It’s very easy to give wrestlers signature moves that aren’t Trouble In Paradise. Swagger’s now the guy who throws knees. Daniel Bryan does the kicks to the chest. CM Punk gently slaps you and lifts his leg until it touches your head and you die. Those things work, require zero dangerous falling and can be worked into the match from anywhere at any time.
And yeah, I’ve given up on The Miz as a character, but I still think his in-ring work is improved by him being a good guy, assuming they let him actually act like a good guy. When he’s cheating to win and booting Antonio Cesaro in the balls because he’s a poor sport, that sucks, but when he’s valiantly fighting back against the odds (like when Jack Swagger is throwing him around and ripping his legs in half), that works. The crowd wants to cheer him. The crowd of kids too old to cheer for Cena and Sheamus but too young to cheer for Dean Ambrose are all COME AWN MIZ YEAH COME AWN. Eventually he’s going to figure that out, and I think he’ll be fine.
But until then, REAARGHHH, Miz. REAARGHHHH.
Worst: Jerry Lawler’s Next Heart Attack, The Prequel
Here’s a picture of Jerry “The King” Lawler hilariously eating both his and Michael Cole’s complimentary meals from Sonic, which include a Biggie-sized FROOT AID and a cafeteria tray of congealed brown greaseballs. I can’t stand Jerry Lawler, but I don’t want him to die. Can we get Whole Foods to sponsor Raw for a while? I just want to see the gray in Lawler’s eyes when he’s forced to do his Leave It To Beaver smile at the camera and say WOW COLE, THIS BEET AND QUINOA WRAP IS DELICIOUS. AND I’M WASHING IT DOWN WITH THIS SYNERGY-BRAND GREEN CHIA KOMBUCHA! WOO HOO!
Raw food is gross. I miss Jim Ross’s Skittles call.
Anyway, because I don’t get to write about Sonic a lot in these reports, I’m going to share with you a joke I heard while I was in New Orleans (courtesy of @polksalad, who you should follow) that I hope you’ll share with everyone you’ve ever met: I went out late after a show and stopped by my favorite fast food restaurant to have a cherry Lime-Aid. As I started to place my order, the guy says “sorry, we’re not serving food anymore. It’s closing time.” And I was like, “what is this, a semi-Sonic?”
Worst: Roman Reigns And Seth Rollins, Again, Or
Worst: ORTON AND SHEAMUS ARE TOTALLY NOT TURNING ON EACH OTHER DURING THIS, EVERYBODY
Nope. And by “nope” I mean both “Dean Ambrose should only bring one microphone and tell his Friends In Similar Vests to can it” and “Randy Orton and Sheamus should team up, turn on each other, then keep turning on each other in a vacuum until it gets smaller and smaller and disappears, like when you put a penny into those big yellow funnels at the mall and watch it go round and round and drop out through the bottom.”
Worst: Triple H, Threatening Via Tout
See? Triple H couldn’t even wait until he left the building. I like to think that he ran out, bloodied Brock Lesnar, left to cheers and found himself backstage without having said anything. So he rushed to find the nearest guy with a camera and was all LET ME TELL THE WWE UNIVERSE WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND HOW THEY SHOULD FEEL, THEY NEED TO KNOW HOW TOUGH I AM and the camera guy was all “uhhhhhh I can Tout it for you” and Triple H was all TOUT, YES, LET’S DO THIS, I AM THE GAME and recorded 15 seconds about how he’s an ass-kicker. I also like to think he recorded 600 consecutive 15-second Touts, and this was just the first of the bunch.
Nothing could be worse than a major star having his return speech on Tout, right?
Worst: The Undertaker, Redebuting Via Tout
Oh, okay, I guess the major star could actually RETURN via Tout. “Hey, fans who just sat through an R-Truth match, bet you wish you were at THIS show!”
Worst: EVERYBODY TOUTING VIA TOUT
WWE opened the show with an exciting Brock Lesnar/Triple H fight, then spent three hours asking fans to go on Tout and Tout about how it made them feel. Hashtag #WWEFight! What they got, after three hours, was three of the predictably worst Touts you could imagine. Want to know how to get your Tout on TV?
1. say something Michael Cole might say if he was lobotomized and 13
2. use a WWE catchphrase
3. say Triple H is great
So all you have to do is say “AW MAN, CAIN’T BELIEVE TRIPLE H AND BROCK LESNAR JUST HAD HASHTAG WWE FIGHT ON WWE RAW. CAIN’T WAIT FOR TRIPLE H TO WIN, BECAUSE HE IS THE GAME.” Boom, your Tout is on TV. Say ANYTHING ELSE and it fails the test. Just once I want them to televise a Tout from somebody who calmly says “I’d like to see more Derrick Bateman matches on Raw, please. He doesn’t even have to win. Just let him wrestle and keep his job. He’s pretty good.” I would also accept a Tout of me screaming BRING BACK JOHN LAURINAITIS and cutting my own face until my 15 seconds were up.
WORST: SOCIAL MEDIA SMACKDOWN, COME ON
“Like Raw? Wish that Twitter news ticker that tells you what Natalya thinks about Raw was the entire show? WISH WE COULD MAKE THAT THE ENTIRE SHOW AND STILL SHOW YOU RAW RECAPS WHILE IT’S HAPPENING? TUNE INTO SMACKDOWN THIS WEEK FOR SOCIAL MEDIA SMACKDOWN, AND BY SOCIAL MEDIA WE MEAN TOUT, BUT WE’LL ACCEPT TWITTER, BECAUSE THAT’S SOMETHING PEOPLE ACTUALLY USE.”
So Friday is “Social Media Smackdown” and Monday is “Old School Raw.” If that works out, I hope their next themed promotions are “live Smackdown” and “good Raw.”
Collect all the WWE badges!
The more WWE related content you read, discuss, and share on Facebook or Twitter, the faster you earn the best show moments. First Up: "Mark". More details
How To unlock:
Log into UPROXX or create an account and participate.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/thunderbolt-patterson-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/john-oliver-mick-foley-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/smt2du.jpg-180x170.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/Collllllllllege-World-Series-180x180.jpg)
Phenomenal match between Cena and Punk, coming from a guy who hasn’t watched in MONTHS
No. I draw the line at “Let’s wait and see where this goes” with Triple H. That fucker’s hurt me too many times. NO.
TOO MANY TIMES, TOO MANY TIMES
FELLLLAAAAAAAHHHH– Excuse me? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said…well yes, that makes much more sense. Thank you for the clarification. I’ll be on my way. Do you validate?
My problem with Triple H is that he doesn’t win or provide closure for any of his feuds. He shows up trashes people gets in their face loses the PPV match then disappears. So in a way he may give wrestlers a rub by letting them win but he never puts them over to the point where the win seems like it matters.
He couldn’t even get his Sid tribute right.
He won his feud with CM Punk in 2011.
I’ve sat with wrestling bros for Chikara and it’s awesome; if you’re in the area, come sit with us and watch the wrestles!
+1 Extra Big Ass Fry to Brandon.
That Fancy Catsup top 10 comment is the best. It gets all my love.
This. Best comment I’ve seen in a good while.
This Friday is AIW’s Girls Night Out 8 iPPV; anyone here going to watch it? There’s going to be a ladder match for the opportunity to face Allyson Kay for the title. Plus, Veda Scott vs Leva Bates which should be hilarious (and because the singles matches determines who makes it to the ladder match, one of them is guaranteed to be in it). Veda shot a promo for it and as expected, it was amazing. [www.youtube.com] If you’ve seen her promos you know it’s worth watching, and if you haven’t, this is your chance to see why she’s one of the best new wrestlers.
The Cena/Punk match was legitimately amazing. I got completely sucked into it, and I honestly didn’t know which way they were gonna go with it. And sure, I hated the ending, but there’s still six more Raws until WrestleMania. This storyline’s likely far from over.
Oh, also—I’m still selling my pro-Punk and anti-Rock/Black Flag and NOFX parody shirts here: [youthconspiracy.bigcartel.com] — and I offer a 5% discount to With Leather readers! All you have to do is enter the coupon code “JSOM” at checkout.
Also, don’t know if you read it or not Brandon, but apparently Vince went apeshit when Punk hit that piledriver.
I don’t believe it. If Vince was that upset, it wouldn’t be the centerpiece of the WWE Fan Nation video.
Jerry Lawler on the afterlife: “it’s weird, this guy with a goatee who looks sort of like Vince takes you into a room where a dozen women want to have sex with you but then they tell you they’re 35. No thanks, Grandma.”
“YOU MADE ME BLEED MY OWN FEELS”
That’s as far as I’ve gotten so far and I am already dying of laughter. Bravo, Brandon.
I’m just so damn happy you used Friends In Similar Vests. I was hoping me saying it during Elimination Chamber would not be the only time it was used, because it’s great and I can’t make it a thing myself.
Thanks Brandon, you’re the best!
After hearing that Vince was getting sick of Punk and Cena matches, I feel like that main event was a big middle finger to him.
It also seemed like a big middle finger to the Rock and the fat cats in Stamford that didn’t think it was a good idea to let Punk/Cena headline wrestlemania.
Those fat cats didn’t even eat all their plankton!
Next week:
Best: Hey Old school raw was kinda fun
worst: I was promised an Angelfire page
I marked out like crazy for the Punk vs. Cena match, too, and I give all the credit in the world to Punk for that. He’s been on a roll. 20+ minutes of Punk’s best work + the drama/emotion of “Cena might lose!” made it really fun to watch.
It reallllllly sucked the air out of me, though, to see Cena win with a botched hurricanrana and a fireman’s carry, though. Don’t get me wrong — I know that’s how WWE works, but it totally felt like I went to a restaurant, ordered my favorite sandwich, specified three times that I want “NO ONIONS”, enjoyed eating the whole thing, and then on the last bite… onion.
I don’t know, I mean, I get what you’re saying. But there’s a difference between “botched” and “not performed very well.” He’s not going to rip a hurricanrana like Rey in the ’90s, and he’s not going to stretch out and Frankensteiner a guy like Scotty in 1992. It was ugly, but it shouldn’t kill the match for you.
But I saw your post at the tail-end of the discussion thread, so I get that you’re totally not a Cena fan. I’m not either, but I can’t *not* give him credit for his part in a great match. It takes two, you know.
Hands down, best analogy on how that last match made me feel inside, thanks.
It doesn’t take 2 to make a match great. Great wrestlers routinely carry bad wrestlers to great matches. Punk did it last night. Punk did it at EC vs. Rock, too. Like, I said, he’s on a roll. :)
And @cyberPilate — thanks. That’s how my lunch went today, btw. So, yeah.. fresh on my mind.
It depends on your standard for “great.” A great wrestler can carry an eight-year-old girl or a blow-up doll to a *serviceable* match. “Great” is something different. Punk/Cena was better than both Punk/Rock matches, because Punk/Cena had *two* guys at the top of their game, who have great chemistry together, and who don’t get gassed after 5 minutes.
I get that this argument is pointless, and I’m getting the idea that you’ll refuse to give Cena credit for anything. So I’ll let it go. But let’s not act like John Cena is the Great Khali.
I’ll give Cena credit for what he deserves credit for.
The best thing I’ve ever seen him do was walk into One Night Stand with his head down and the belt held high. That was awesome. He was shit in the match itself, but that was a great moment.
And, yes, John Cena is better in the ring than Khali. I’ll shake your hand on that one. :)
And, yeah, Cena’s energy has been really high as of late. He did more to make the Rock looks bad last night by keeping his tank full than he’ll ever do in merch sales, mic work, etc.
Still, Punk runs circles around both of ‘em.
Haha… yes, that Cena moment at One Night Stand was awesome. I’d forgotten about that. I’ve blocked out a lot of the mid-00s. Can’t imagine why…
I didn’t even mind the hurricanrana. It even kinda had a place in the match. There was Batista Bombs, a freaking piledriver, kicking out of finishers and reversing submissions. It wasn’t even like he set it up, he dodged the elbow and just popped up and WENT FOR IT. Like he didn’t know what else to do, so he just tried that. You could even say it stunned Punk just enough for Cena to hit the AA.
I don’t know, I might be wrong. I think I actually liked it because it seemed so desperate, and I don’t feel right criticizing a damn thing about that match.
@85 I couldn’t agree more. I was trying to make a similar point last night: yes, the cenacanrana was terrible, and he was probably way too tired to do it at that point in the match, but I’m just glad he went for it. Basically from cena’s sit-out power bomb on, every move felt like a desperate stab. That thought was cemented by punk’s piledriver.
The problem with Cena’s shitty hurricanrana is that it’s shitty. It’s done very poorly, and the other guy looks like a fool for selling it. Just like Cena’s dropkicks. You don’t get bonus points fro “going for it” in my book. We’re supposed to believe that after everything these guys went through, Cena wins with a self-powerbomb that somehow flips Punk over, and a fireman’s carry?? I mean, Cena got to kick out of the move that you’re not allowed to do, but Punk has to lose a video game animation glitch…
The problem with the huracanrana wasn’t Cena, it was Punk, he bent forward during the execution meaning Cena hit the floor before it was fully executed.
@Simon — Wroooonnnnnggggg! :)
Cena didn’t arch is back. That’s why he botched it.
Good stuff. I’m convinced HHH made them replay the segment with Brock…literally going into the truck or wherever and demanding it, anything to put himself over. For all the good he seems to do behind the scenes or rumors thereof, I can’t get over the fact he keeps wanting to put himself over, or at least the appearance of it.And I’m convinced he traded the tag division to Vince to get Bruno into the HOF.
And of course rambling about HHH gets me the COO badge. Well played, deserving of that haha.
Bruno in the HOF was instantly cancelled out by Donald Trump in the HOF.
Trump deserves the Hall purely for the end of that Boogeyman segment, in which he asks the Boogeyman “Who the hell are you?”, despite the fact that he has clearly introduced himself twice in the last minute via catchphrase.
BIG JOHNNY OR RIOT! Also I wish I had any idea what any of the feuds are gonna be besides the main title ones.
I feel like Brad Maddox is really Xander Crews and I think that is why I enjoy him so much. And Cena/Punk was too good for TV. I can’t agree with some folks from last night enough, that should’ve been your Wrestlemania main event.
Maddox as Crews is a fantastic thought. I freaking loved that show. Now I want to see Maddox as much as possible.
I’m going to keep picturing that now and hope that in a couple years, the WWE hires the wrestling equivalent of H Jon Benjamin to play a spy.
I now need Maddox to tell someone “And if you don’t like it, there’s the big-ass door!”
Can’t wait until Vickie sends her radioactive ants after Dolph.
The tag match setup was the perfect opportunity to give ANY OTHER TAG TEAM the win. You can still maintain DBry and Kane’s interpersonal rivalry with as loss just as easily as a win, you get the other team looking somewhat legit because they won against the champs, but not too legit because stipulations, and…. aw fuck it, you know all this, Moltar know all this, Tanzit know all this.
why won’t they just let the Usos have the belts? if you don’t care about the titles give them to a team you don’t care about. FREE THE USOS!
Because we can’t have nice things, DevilDinosaur. That’s why.
Wait, HHH peed himself? Did Kevin Smith join Creative?
If Chris Sims ever read comments I feel like he’d give you a +1
+1 to both of you.
I always send this article to people I argue with about wrestling because it saves me having to type out long reasoning. You’re my shining light, Brandon.
Also, that Skittles video has given me a HHH stain in my pants. Too funny.
Seriously, what the hell are they doing with Team Hell No? Unless this somehow culminates in a 1-on-1 match at Mania to determine the true Tag Team Champions which ends with Daniel Bryan kicking Kane in the head until he retires, I’m done with them.
Daniel Bryan is great. Let him be great.
That would actually be incredible. Daniel Bryan beating Kane to truly be the Tag-Team Champions then getting put in a title match against The Rhode Scholars sounds like a great way to reintroduce Bryan to singles and CPR the Tag-Team division back to life.
I have a hard time believing that it was coincidence that he had to wrestle in a gimp hood the Raw after he gave an interview where he said he was kind of tired of the comedy stuff and wanted to get serious again.
I love how page 5 starts off with a best, and everything else is worsts. That’s not a criticism; I find it legitimately hilarious.
It’s funny like a fat kid choking on his 3rd brownie. It’s sad, it’s tragic, you could see it coming, and yet you still find a glint of humor in it.
I would totally tune in for Live Smackdown and Good Raw
Social Media Smackdown confuses me. They’re still taping the show tonight, right? So there’s totally no point to the social media stuff– they can’t even do a “vote now to chose who faces ____” thing.
But, whatever gets people to tune in, I guess.
Are you implying the wwe voting system isn’t 100% accurate?
It’s still real-time voting for me!
he knows….. TAKE HIM OUT!
Tobogganing Bear FTW. That comment about Zeb is so true; it’s all I could think about hearing him spout off. He’s that crazy uncle who sends you glittery gifs of eagles crying over the WTC every 9/11. We The People = Never Forget
I expect a .gif of a crying Ziggy cartoon sometime in March from Zeb. Not sure how, but I think it’ll happen.
Is that Ziggy the wrestler or Ziggy the sad sack from the comic strip?
Ziggy playing Ziggy maybe?
^ This.
I didn’t think Cena botched the rana until people mentioned it.
Somebody in the live thread said he looked like he powerbombed himself. Can’t unsee.
At least he didn’t not jump high enough and straddled CM Punk AJ-Kane-style. That would have ruined the match for sure.
Then he could pass it off as an awkward Thez Press. Does he do that move, or is that just in the video games? I’m not sure anymore.
The storyline demanded that Cena beat Punk, but with the benefit of hindsight, that should have been the main event of Wrestlemania, Punk’s title streak vs Cena’s career or something like that. Because while Cena can hold up his end of a great match, he’s not 1980s Ric Flair to carry a stiff like 2013 Rock to a great match.
Jack Swagger still sucks, and why anyone at WWE thought this would be better than Del Rio as the plucky babyface vs Mark Henry, violence enthusiast, is a total mystery.
I’m so out on Wrestlemania. It seems to be the trend in recent years to just put big names out there and forget the story because “We know you’re gonna buy Wrestlemania, fuck you.”
I honestly have no issue with Triple H TOUT fest. If you force him you grumble for twenty seconds on a computer, doesn’t that save us 20 minutes of TV time? I mean, it should. It won’t, but it should.
This is what I’ve been saying all along for the past 20 seconds it’s taking me to type this.
It had to be tough for Punk to sell that Rana with a straightface. I will say, though, he made Sin Cara’s unlocked leg-ranas look more amateurish. And Brandon, I wouldn’t have noticed Cara’s inability to perform that move correctly until you pointed it out. Now I watch for it. Thanks, I think.
Wrestling Bros are still planning on seeing Chikara in Tampa and Orlando next weekend, yes? If so, are y’all doing general admission tickets or have you already gotten reserved seats or whatever? Just trying to plan accordingly.
And a final thought: after being surprised and excited by being gifted tix to WM AND the HOF (Foley is my favorite) by my fiance, I now feel trolled (in a sense) to have to endure ANYTHING involving Trump. Well-played, fiance. Well-played.
You could boo him.
Please boo him.
Consider him NOT Boo-urnsed.
I’m going to sit here and hold my breath until I am granted badge #21 – “Get Trump A Sandwich”
Wait so Undertaker showed up at a house show Saturday in Waco.But didn’t show up in Dallas two days later? Waco and Dallas are 100 miles apart and connected by a major interstate it makes no sense.
Undertaker was road buddies with Rock this week, I guess. I assume they got lost somewhere in Oklahoma.
And a new buddy comedy sprouted? PRODUCED BY WWE “FILMS”, AND CO-STARRING CORBIN BERNSEN AND CARMEN ELECTRA!
Seriously, what is happening to the tag division? Making us long for the days of the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers is not a good look.
Man, that match…still getting me all fired up
After Punk made the self-reference to God, I fully expected that to engage a return by the Devil himself. You read it here first– that is how Taker will come back. I guarantee it. Well, not Rock-guarantee. But guarantee, nonetheless.
Two things had me expecting the Undertaker last night. The first was what you said. Actually, before he said “God,” I thought he might say “phenom.” It would be kind of obvious, but I thought he might.
The other was when the Shield was wondering who was going to stop them. Right before the Irish lad’s music hit, I said to myself “They’re not gonna use the Undertaker for THIS, are they?”
Come to think of it. A Shield, 3-on-1, match vs. the Undertaker could be reaaaaally intriguing.
Another friend I was watching with theorized that Punk’s invoking God would mean an HBK return. I would heartily endorse this.
You know, incidental to the Taker discussion, I was thinking about HBK the other day. As much as I love the guy and miss him dearly, I think it’s better that he stay retired and barely visible on the current product. He has nothing left to prove, and WWE would figure out how to take the shine of a brilliant legend (e.g. Flair/Miz). It’s kind of like the bright side of John Lennon passing prematurely– it didn’t give him or anyone else a chance to take the luster off of his or the Beatles’ legacy by making him do Heineken or Intel commercials.
i’ve never eaten at whole foods but I imagine its awful. sonic on the hand is epic
Obvious troll is obvious.
Not trying to troll I legitimitly do not like whole foods. It seems smug and pretentious. I do like sonic and when I head back to N.C. I plan on going there. Hell as I write this I’m eating Arby’s corn beef.
Whole Foods is owned and run by Objectivist shit heads. That’s enough to dislike them. Mentioning that would have made you popular here, too!
I don’t get the pride people have in eating shitty food. It’s like this whole bacon thing. Even if bacon was kosher I wouldn’t eat it because fucking seriously.
Yours truly,
THESTINGER
I just want to add that kombucha taste like taint sweat. HHH was brewing some before the start of Raw.
see i figured it was awful. i’ll stick to my burgers and fries
That piledriver was a thing of awe. Although I make a point of grimacing any time Cena does anything or is anywhere on my TV, I really like his wrestling style when paired with Punk’s. Punk has a very refined, strict understanding of wrestling that aids Cena’s more crude, minimal style. That’s not to say Cena isn’t as learned as Punk when it comes to matters of grappling, but he’s got this sloppy, free-interpretation sort of way with his wrasslin’. It’s kind of cool in the right setting, and that increasingly seems to be with Punk.
Incidentally, I also like the way Cena plops down and acts like that dead weight dummy in that internet physics bubble game in any circumstance where he gets destroyed.
I thought the Team Hell No match was pointless, too, but it made me pine for the days when these guys were best friends. But that’s probably the intended goal, and will make it that much more sour when they finally split like so many are destined to do.
Also, Del Rio being a wealthy aristocrat and getting insulted like he was a day laborer was confusing, but not as confusing as the WWE deriding its own movie, with an actor who works on their show and was allowed the opportunity to explore other venues of the medium (of entertainment?), that’s main goal is to make money, which has a sorta-kinda-big name in Colin Farrell, localized entirely within your kitchen. That shit is hard to grasp. Are they planning on canning the “Films” aspect of their business? Are they taking that shitty, “make fun of your own product” route (the one they do in the hopes of attracting jerks who already hate what they’re doing and think it’s “fake and gay”)?
I mean, whatever, I just wish Wade Barrett was back to being what he did best: a despot in charge of a malicious youth gang.
I read “Cena’s more crude, minimal style” as Cena’s more crude, MANIMAL style. Now I miss Manimal.
That show was, sadly, before my time. Although I could make a loose connection by suggesting that Cena has probably been told to “unleash the manimal within” more than a few times in his life.
Yes! Wrassles Art!
I was a little surprised to learn that our “Stu Bennett” cracked the top 10 credited actors on the imdb page. I assumed it was due to WWE Films throwing a few bucks at the production, but right after him come the roles of “toilet guy” and “jeep driver”, so he’s ALMOST the star!
Great final match. I loathe Cena and wish he’d never talk or wrestle again but even I sort of shrugged at the end of the match and said, “That was great! And a clean finish too.” Rock/Cena II won’t be an eighth of what last night’s match was!
WWE’s social media platform especially bothered me last night. They focus all this energy on inane crap like Tout or happily promoting how many people follow them on Twitter, but they don’t actually use the Internet very well at all. Social Media Smackdown! For a TAPED show! Why does the WWE seriously think the average person watching CARES about some doofus speaking their mind on national TV?
If it was up to me and others, I’d cut most references to social media during the broadcasts and promote the idea that if you want to review feuds/storylines you should go to the website. Present some nice video packages there and train people to visit the website! There’s no reason to show the same clip five times in a three-hour span when the amount of viewer crossover is effectively zero thanks to no competition. There’s no reason to promote the mobile phone app during the broadcast. (Maybe a commercial or two!)
Why is WWE doing so much in-show promotion these days? They must be secretly losing money or something!
Finally, I will never be funny enough to appear on Best/Worst. I’ve come to realize this.
They think you’ll participate to try and BE that doofus who gets on TV. Then when you don’t make it, you’ll watch next time to try again. It’s stupid and demeaning, but I get it.
damn paul. bust a dude’s head open and get so excited about it, you wet yourself! THAT’S NOT SELLING IT!
By the way, if anybody would like to ask the H’s about peeing himself on live TV the same day he launched an online account that would make it easier for the masses to contact him, he can be found here: @TripleH
Forgive me if this was mentioned in the B&W OP… but WTF at the WWE Champion NO-SHOWING the show, and there being no mention of it.
Not cool. At the very least, they could have shot some photos of Rock on his honeymoon with the new title belt.
Was he supposed to be there? I won’t expect him until the ‘Mania go-home show.
Yes, the WWE Champion is supposed to be on Raw.
I’m all for the WWE turning into a real life Idiocracy if that means they replace VKM with President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
So that’s what the LOL is short for…
I still want a Cena/Rock/Punk 3-Way Dance.
Maybe after the match. Sounds romantic.
Looking at the Lesnar photo again. It looks like he stabbed himself in the throat with his chestpenisdagger.
As an Irishman, it’s part of my genetic makeup to enjoy watching one of my own degrade an Englishman.
So with that in mind, it really demonstrates how much of a A COLOSSAL ASSHOLE Sheamus is, that it makes me want Barrett to summon Mark Henry from his subterranean lair to rip Sheamus in half with his bare hands a la Kratos.
Cena/Punk just made Cena/Rock II a formality. As far as I’m concerned, that was the real Championship match. It’s the match that Punk’s title loss and Cena’s 11th reign deserve.
I think that’s the huge thing here. From a storytelling perspective, Cena coming back from multiple defeats to finally beat Punk is far better than Rock wanted the title, so he said he wanted it, then he got it.
There’s poetry to Punk-Cena beginning the record reign and Punk-Cena ending it.
Right, i think we have enough commenters here for this to actually work: can we possibly, as a group, just troll the WWE on Tout?
I mean, we know they’re going to air “haw haw, Sandow’s a homer! Triple H should pedigree his car onto his favorite pet! And that’s the bottom line, cause *crotch chop, crotch chop, crotch chop*” So could we just kinda start Touting our own inane things about the WWE and see what makes it on TV?
We could even go so far as to make a weird exquisite corpse of wrestling Touts, but that takes a level of structure i’m not sure i could put together.
I was just thinking the same thing.
“Uhm yeah I think Bork Laser is a fart-ass-weenie and HHH is going to kick his ass because he is an ass kicker and the ass kicker is back! *Xpac Croth Chops*”
I’m on board with this.
“IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE–….” Um. Line?
I may be alone, but it’s never inappropriate to pee your pants.
Well then Triple H is Miles Davis!
This ^
Way to beat me to the Billy Madison reference, Man of 1004 Holds. This isn’t over! I’ll get you next time!
::shakes fist::
I straight up agreed with everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, in this Wrap Up.
On a side note, Brandon, your huge font about Orton (and yes, he’s just floundering about, taking everyone else’s heat because he doesn’t have any of his own) made me want to make a U MAD BRO face next to it.
Other note, I feel like the constant begging for Touts all night long was because everything they got was in support of Lesnar, and they had to wait until they got three HHH fans to air them. I mean, Cole pleaded for them a good six times by my count.
And I think Lawler shilling Tout and begging for submissions is sad. It looks a lot like his heart is breaking a little each time.
I will work on our ANGELFIRE page for OLD SKOOL RAW. Do you want black background with red text with additional HEADLINES in scrolling text OR blinky text? Also, a .gif of a construction worker.
something 3d had better be spinning.
The people demand dancing baby!
I am going to go out to the shed and break out my old Packard Bell PC with Windows 95 Upgrade, 0.79 GB hard drive and 56 MB of memory. For old time’s sake.
Flying toasters please! And pipes growing and changing colors and rotating.
Perhaps a guestbook? A counter? And maybe flame gifs at the bottom of the page?
I know we don’t like the Tag Team division now, but isn’t this at least a little better than when Primo and Epico were the champs and wrestled once a month?
Kind of like Rocky!
I have a huge speech formed in my head but no one will ever read it so I’ll sum it up.
John Cena is a much better wrestler than he is given credit for. He can, and does, hang with the best of them.
If you have universal hd they do 2 replays of raw and smackdown each on Saturdays.
And when do wrestlemania plans start being made?
After last night, one thing is certain: Punk vs Cena at Wrestlemania for the title would have blown the roof. Punk piledriving and Cena hurricanranaing to set up an AA were both fantastic.
With Punk vs Jericho from early February and Punk vs Cena yesterday, we’re getting spoiled. That’s a good thing.
Oh and every time Zeb Colter is around, obligatory HE TEWK HIS JERB reference
WWE should let Cena or Punk have a 30 minute match as the main event of Raw every three months of so. Not too often to make it no special, but not so rare that Raw probably hasn’t had a match this long and good in like 6 years.
“CM Punk gently slaps you and lifts his leg until it touches your head and you die.” It’s like a barely-in-shape guy trying to do a cheerleader kick. Anyway, this made me laugh. So did the Semi-Sonic joke, true LOL. I was going in and out of the main event because as usual I got a fucking phone call at the height of Raw, but Cena’s powerbomb and Punk’s piledriver had such impact because they are the moves of last century. More people need to just throw those in damnit!
Fill me in: Does WWE own Tout? Is that why they’re trying desperately to make it a thing?
Yes. They invested a shit ton of money into it.
And then Twitter launches Vine and murders it into the ground.
I don’t care about Tout either way, but Vine is fucking garbage and I’ve already unfollowed one person for using it. I suspect there will be more before it’s all said and done.
I’m still sweeping up pieces of my brain over that pile driver.
My girlfriend was watching that match with me. She’s the type who usually plays on her phone while I watch Raw unless Brodus is dancing on screen or Hell No is hugging it out. Anyway, she actually covered her head with both hands and yelped at the piledriver. It was awesome. It’s incredible how effective that is when it’s been so long since we’ve seen it.
I also like the look of the legit piledriver over the tombstone..
My reaction:
Brain.sys has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
I think I made a motion when I saw it that can only be described as “man throws invisible snakes in the air”.
Whoa. Now I know how to describe what I did as well.
I Triple H’d myself.
It had been so long since I had seen one, that I didn’t realize how long it had been since I had seen one.
“Hey, I know you’re about to kill my father in law, but let me hit this music, casually sip my water, get to my sweet new lighting spot and look constipated-ly menacing before I piss myself and kick your ass.” – HHH
I was busy welcoming my nephew into the world last night so I missed Raw. Good write up as always, B-Stro. Couple of thoughts on Brandon’s thoughts
1) Triple H is a fatty and I don’t buy Mr. Tinkelpants being able to take down a former UFC heavyweight champion (who looks in incredible shape).
2) I’d love to see Henry and Cena have a 3 match series for the title where Henry holds the title once for a few months, only for Cena to get his revenge.
3) Why can’t Ambrose just talk and then have Reigns and Rollins shit kick some scrubs right after in a match? It’d be just as effective.
4) It looks pretty obvious that Swagger is uncomfortable with his gimmick. Make him an astronaut, damnit! It could be a cross promo with Axe for all I care, just make it happen!
5) F*ck Sheamus.
Good reason to miss Raw, Uncle Thatsamare. That’s why God invented Youtube.
Yeah, it looks like Brock’s dropped about 25 lbs from when he came back last year. He looks like he’d eat Triple H for brunch and then polish off Ryback for high tea.
Congrats on the new sprocket, Thatsamare! Be the Uncle that always has gum.
I miss the live-blogging, the wiseassery, etc. I was just starting to get back into this a little when my cable company moved the east-coast USA feed from my tier. I’d be playing along 3 hours later, and that’s just sad.
the own like half of tout. The “t” part probably.
jeebus, that is not in the right thread.
I’m not saying you should, but you could probably watch WWE from the FIRST ROW each week online (and also get to watch British ads instead).
Re: Swagger/Colter, I’m hoping that last night was WWE enjoying their chance to milk the attention from the Beck thing, and that now they can move on to focusing on how ADR figures into this. Zeb saying ignorant stuff was a good introduction, but at some point they need to make it personal with Alberto. Pretty soon, they need to have Swagger do something pretty brutal, because otherwise Del Rio can answer anything Zeb says with “You realize how rich I am, right?”
I not sure if that John Cena-CM Punk match was a middle finger to The Rock for stealing the Main Event Spot, a middle finger to Glenn Beck for calling us wrestling fans idiots, or a middle finger to Vince just because. All I know was that was one hell of a birthday present from them.
Also, am I the only one who wants The Rock and John Cena to come out as Rocky Maivia and Doctor of Thuganomics for next week’s Old School Raw? Its “old school”. Why not revert to a previous version of your gimmick like when a sports team wears a throwback jerseys.
Good luck trying to get Mark Henry to put on his ‘Sexual Chocolate’ ring gear.
Does that mean, as dicussed in the live threat, that Big E Langston will come out as a giant hand?
Is that Pony dressed up a Stephanie Brown Batgirl?
I think you’d have better luck getting Henry to don the Sexual Chocolate ring gear than you would getting Dwayne to put on that awful “shirt” he used to come out to the ring wearing when he was Rocky Maivia. Still, it’s a fantastic idea. I want to see Harlem Heat Booker T!
Yes it is. I was a huge fan of her comic and when they retgoned her and Cassandra Cain away, I left with them.
You know, sadly (or awesomely), it would be great to see The Rock in one of his $500-$800 shirts.
Worst: Cena’s pre-match interview where he did three minutes of his impression of Frank Caliendo’s impression of Don King.
Thanks Brandon, VINTAGE BRANDON.
SUPERSONIC REFERENCE OUTTA NOWHERE!
Not that I’m exactly excited about their coming Wrestlemania match, but I thought Trips’ entrance was pretty cool.
It was his favorite RAW moment…until the next time he has to make an entrance.
I just got around to watching Cena/Punk’s match. Holy crap, what a fantastic match. I think the WWE should pull a Lawler and force Punk into the mainevent and make it a Triple Threat. Obviously Cena would win, but at least Punk could help Cena carry the Rock to a classic.
Also, it’s kind of cool that Undertaker returned on a house show. It’s always nice when the WWE rewards its fans with something really cool on a house show.
I’ve been screaming for the return of the 3-Way Dance for so long, it might be my catchphrase. I’m just imagining The Rock being Taz and getting eliminated.
I’ll applaud WWE for having a good RAW, but until they take full advantage of their deep roster and have RAW and ‘Down act as rival shows, I’ll mostly just read WithLeather and save up for Chikara DVDs.
I’m with ya, friend.
Not done reading yet, but hooray for the Excitebike reference!!
I’m sure it’s been said, but that piledriver was #1derful.
That was +#1derful.
This was terrible. Bring back the podcast.
(not really I just wanted to complain about something)
The most unusual sight last night …
There’s a guy a few rows back on the hard camera side in a bright red shirt who kept holding his very little kid (wearing a hat and black shirt) up so he could see better – the kid is absolutely stone-faced almost the entire night, except for one character, who causes the kid to mark out wildly. Can you guess who it is?
Did you guess Cena? No, that wouldn’t be the most unusual sight.
It’s Zeb Colter.
Don’t believe me? Load the end of the Swagger/Miz match clip on page 5, and start playing it once Swagger’s music starts playing for his victory after the Patriot Act/Lock. You’ll see the kid immediately. Then when Colter enters the ring around 2:12 in that clip, you’ll see him start positively marking out.
It’s not quite “the Miz girl” from a few years back, but it’s certainly a unique reminder that we all have our favorites. Even Dirty Dutch is going to have his fans.
Hopefully that kid is thinking “My grandpa has a moustache and/or vest like that!,” and not “He gets real mad at Mexicans just like daddy does!”
But the Miz girl was a Randy Orton fan who was angry Miz beat him and took his title.
[3.bp.blogspot.com]
Further proof someone at WWE creative is stealing ideas from the B&W: [youtu.be]
Next gimmick match will have Team Hell No facing Jerry Lawler in a KY jelly-filled kiddie pool, but right before the match begins Lawler has a heart attack and dies. The funeral will have a tearful Cena singing “Dust in the Wind” and ending it with “You’re my BOY, King! You’re my boy…”
Punk using the Piledriver is a pretty solid foreshadowing that he’ll meet Taker at Mania. And sure Cenas ‘Rana was sloppy, but it’s not like it’s his signature move, so he should kayfabe not really be skilled using it, so it works for we.
And concerning Donald T in the celeb wing of the HoF: I think its justified. Not only did he play a part in cementing WM as the institution it is, which ensured Vince secured a better payroll to hire talent. He also played a significant role in running storylines on-screen, and wasn’t just a one time special guest at a PPV.
Not sure if this little nugget got posted yet
[sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net]
He probably has to go commando because those aren’t comfortable fittin’ wranglers. And going commando leads to wicked taint sweat.
My grossest speculation (even worse, I think, than piss) is that since he hasn’t been wrestling, HHH also hasn’t been keeping up the male wrestler’s “grooming rituals” and, as we all know, a hairy man’s asshole accumulates more sweat than a shaven man’s asshole. I’m sure Steph appreciates the extra tangy-ness.
Shaved Triple H looks like 60 year old Tim Donst. I’m not ready for that. Inappropriate Chikara-Resemblance Theater is way worse than Inappropriate Ponytail Theater. (Post-Crisis Donst. Did I use that right? I don’t really know how that reference works)
Love the write-up as always, B-Stro!
Sheamus looks like Fire Ant from the neck down.
Not only was the Piledriver a nice taboo break from the norm, but Cena used the Crippler Crossface, to my delight. It’s already been said, but fantastic match.
And of course, Cole got it wrong. I yelled it’s the Crippler Crossface! as he was saying it’s back to the STF…ya know, without the stepping over part or involving the leg at all…
It doesn’t sound right yelling “BAH GAWD, IT’S THE CROSSFACE! I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT SINCE [name redacted]“
Not that this column ever hit a bad patch, but the two columns following the MEGA BUS WIFI FUSS have been truly amaze-balls. The top comments too. Always a treat. Best (commenter) audience ever.
Also, CHOOT IT LIZBETH, CHOOT IT!!!…
Hey Brandon, you wont see this but if you do, let the programmers at Uproxx know that their user name settings are broken to shit. I’ve wanted to change my sign in name since day two of signing up for an account. But that whole part of that user network is broken. I would create a new account but as much as I value my wrestling badges, I value me Arthur Sports on TV badge even more.
Also, thoroughly enjoyed “Shartshooter” being overlooked.
So… maybe I’m a bit late to the party… but is it, I dunno, a blatant and craven hypocrisy to run a youtube channel called “WWEFanNation” with comments permanently disabled?
Dang it, WWE. They had Fandango refuse to debut because Striker can’t say his name right. DON’T TEASE ME LIKE THIS
Didn’t Cesaro use to be undefeated?
Also, I love Ziggler with all my heart and will buy his shirts forever!!!
this report is so much funnier when drunk.
I think I’m gonna have to quit this column for the next 40-something days or whatever. Not sure I want to spend the entire lead up to wrestling reading Triple H/Undertaker/Rock hate. I do wonder what this column would’ve been like in the Oddities and Kaientai days.
I don’t know. I kind of agree with the hate. Triple H was doing a lot of good behind the scenes. Mad-Ox and the resurgence of tag teams (at least for a bit) was a huge HHH move. And now, even though no one asked for it, he’s making a return to fight Bork Lesters ONE FINAL TIME…. X2 because REVENGE.
Same goes for Cena/Rock. When your WWE Champion can’t show up to a live Raw when he’s only back for 3 months, and then a match between Cena/Punk upstages the Rock’s entire past 10 years, it’s a smack in the face to people who actually follow wrestling and aren’t laughing every time the Rock goes “YOU SLACK JAWED, PEE-PEE PANTS, ROOTIN TOOTIN, FRUITY PEBBLES, KUNG POW BITCH!”
You know what’s messed up about Triple H peeing himself? If the damp jeans were on the other ass, Triple H wouldn’t HESITATE to mention it at first opportunity!
Just fucking do something with Ziggler already.
Superstar status. Working my way up the ranks.
I don’t think I could’ve been more shocked by that piledriver than if Punk had pulled a gun and shot Cena in the knee. It was used perfectly. It was the pro-wrestling equivalent of the nuclear option.
You know what the saddest thing is? I really liked the Khakicanrana just because Cena actually closes his legs around Punk’s neck. My standards for cool cruiserweight moves are so low now.
screw angelfire, bring on geocities.
and prodigy. i totally forgot prodigy.
@Brandon what the hell are you watching that you think Mark Henry and Big Show are so awesome? How do you possibly reconcile this contention with the fact that Daniel Bryan is your favorite rassler?
That last match is what wrestling is all about. Most wonderful thing I have seen in a while. That match was the true main event for Wrestlemania. Can’t wait for Rock to pass the torch and piss off.
I must have missed something. Let me go watch Punk/Cena again while I’m not half asleep.
Great read.
Lawrence Taylor needs to get in the Celebrity Wing of the Hall Of Fame ASAP, that is all.
Lawrence Taylor: what a man. What a mighty good man.
I remember when the quality of a match wasn’t measured by the amount of finishers are kicked out of. This match technically was nothing special. (But then again, NO Cena match ever is) The action was paced well, but it was just the typical Cena finish we’ve had shoved at us the last 6 or so years. Cena takes a big hit, shrugs it off like he didnt get touched, botches a move and gives an AA. Horrible.
Inconsistent booking from WWE is just ridiculous.