Worst: Brad Maddox Investigates

If I’m making a list of the worst things WWE does with their “everybody talks too much” segments, “further convoluting the authority hierarchy” and “using jokes from 10 years ago and pretending like nobody’s ever heard them before” are numbers 1 and 2 with a bullet.

Okay, so I like everyone involved in the segment. I like Vickie, I like Heyman. I like Brad Maddox, too, especially when he’s rocking his Bane impression, and I think he’d work well as a guy who sticks around and always ends up thorning Paul Heyman in the side for his past evils. But firstly, Vickie Guerrero’s position has been clearly identified as a temporary thing. “Managing Supervisor” was bad enough, but now you’ve got the ASSISTANT TO THE MANAGING SUPERVISOR? Argh, I already made these commenting badges. Why does she need an assistant at all? Isn’t her job to shop at Dress Barn and decide which people she hates for three hours a week?

Secondly, the Assistant Managing Supervisor/Assistant TO the Managing Supervisor isn’t just an old joke from ‘The Office,’ it’s the FIRST EVER JOKE from ‘The Office.’ The only way you can salvage trying to pass that off as your own joke is if Dean Ambrose puts Maddox’s bottle of hair gel in some Jell-O next week and makes derpface at the camera. And then wrestling happens, maybe?

Yo, WWE, I know you don’t like to listen to me, but this is why you need people who don’t already write television to write your television.

Worst: Awesome, A Vince McMahon/Paul Heyman Match In 2013

I like to think Vince McMahon is so bored and desperate for competition that he writes Paul Heyman and Eric Bischoff every few years and is like “hey, I’ll pay you hundreds of thousands of dollars for 11 months if you spend month 12 letting me figuratively put my dick in your mouth.” And they put it off for a while because ugh, who wants Vince McMahon’s dick in their mouth, but then they think about it, and they aren’t really doing a lot either, and eventually here they are, spending 11 months doing quality work before month 12 arrives and they’re in Raw matches against a 67-year old man who won’t stop pretending he’s Tommy Dreamer.

Of course, this is all a pretty clear lead-in for Brock Lesnar to re-arrive and attack Vince, only to get bailed out by the I LOVE YOU POP EXPRESS. And as cool as Brock is, Inappropriate Buzzcut Theater is not something I’m emotionally prepared to deal with yet.

Best: I Cannot Believe How Awesome The Shield Still Is

I’m not afraid to admit when I’m a bad wrestling fan, or admit when WWE is doing something right in spite of my constant, completely-unwarranted worries.

I’ve been waiting for the other foot to drop on The Shield since they debuted. I talked about the Nexus a little bit earlier, and they’re a great example of WWE coming up with a baller concept, then immediately and purposefully shooting themselves in the foot to keep it from working. Nexus got into that SummerSlam elimination tag against Team WWE and lost, and they were never the same. The Shield showed up and kicked the ass out of everybody, and it all built to the TLC match at TLC against Team Hell No and Ryback. I thought, “okay, here’s where they get crushed and just become loser NXT guys.” It didn’t happen. They won, and in the process had (arguably) the WWE match of the year.

It happened again at Elimination Chamber. They got put into a match against the Superfriends, and I thought “okay, they’re going to take finishers in triplicate, get humiliated by somebody on Raw, and just become Primo and Epico and Rosa Mendes in Bossman vests.” It didn’t happen. They won, and they looked strong. Even on Raw I thought “okay, NOW is when they lose.” And they didn’t. They won. Not only did they win, but they won fairly, cleanly, and they did it by being the better team. No handful of tights, no secret feet on the ropes … they just worked together, were hungrier than the boring top shelf WWE guys and pulled off the victory.

Going forward, my plan is to continue thinking The Shield is about to lose and become nobodies in the hopes that I will be super wrong forever. You are the best, The Shield.

Best: Damien Sandow Beating The Dog Shit Out Of Kofi Kingston

Kofi Kingston has found a great role: jobber. I give him a lot of grief, but I’ve loved most of his recent matches. He had that match with the Big Show on Raw where he got KO’d about three seconds in and spent the next week tweeting about the show from home. That was great. He had his “anything you can do THIS GUY CAN DO” match at Elimination Chamber against Dolph Ziggler and lost, then spent the post-match getting Langston’d. Here he is showing up for a match against Damien Sandow, only to get attacked before the bell and beaten senseless.

That’s a Kofi Kingston I can get behind. I’d be all, OH AWESOME HERE’S KOFI KINGSTON, CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HOW BEATS THE MESS OUT OF HIM. Kinda like I do now with Heath Slater, but without ever wanting it to get better. My only real beef with this match is Charles Robinson. Sandow doesn’t hit Kofi with the microphone, he just jumps him before the match. They stay in the ring for another minute, and instead of doing what a normal referee would do (ringing the bell), he stands there going SANDOW. NO. COME ON. SANDOW. Just ring the goddamn bell, Charles.

Oh, okay, two beefs:

Worst: What Is R-Truth Trying To Accomplish, Exactly

How hilarious is it that Kofi Kingston needed his old tag team partner to rush out and save him from the brutal beating he was receiving in what was more or less an official, normal wrestling match? He was just getting shitkicked so hard Truth mistook it for a “heinous assault” and copped the run-in.

I’m not totally sure why Truth even ran down. I guess Sandow was being merciless or whatever, but if Sheamus was doing that to Sandow, Lil’ Naich would’ve rang the bell and Cole would be yammering on about Sheamus’ “rough and tumble” whatever. His mean streak. Something to justify a pro wrestler aggressively pro wrestling his opponent. It didn’t seem bad. It just seemed like a guy getting his ass beaten. Sorry you aren’t better at wrestling, Kofi Kingston, here’s a dancing guy to help you.