Best: Daniel Bryan Vs. Chris Jericho, Obviously
Remember that really great match on the first episode of NXT, when rookie Daniel Bryan took on surly veteran Chris Jericho and it was kinda-sorta a dream match but not really, because one guy was an “Internet Favorite,” which meant he had to be punished for a year before they’d let him do anything but lose?
Now he’s a former World Heavyweight Champion and one of the most popular people in the company, and he’s wrestling spunky babyface Chris Jericho in an 11-minute match on Raw. And, uh, he’s still losing. But PROGRESS. That’s so cool. Now let’s give them 20 on a pay-per-view, or at least let them start off the Elimination Chamber and kick a little ass before Mark Henry’s sheer will of girth explodes his pod and wigs are split.
Best: The Glorious Death Of 3MB
Two quick truths:
1. No, I am not particularly happy to see Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal jobbed out in the extreme to WWE’s obnoxious Superfriends, especially when the tag team division is on life support and could really stand to include a Slater/Drew Mac team and maybe let them develop the 3MB characters beyond “we mention music and lose.”
2. This is absolutely what 3MB should be doing.
If you need guys to die hilarious deaths, 3MB are the ones you want dying. The match played out like it should’ve, with Slater trying to show up Ryback only to get humiliated, Drew McIntyre doing a little better than he should against Sheamus because they have the longest history together and everyone on the other team automatically losing when John Cena tags in. That’s just how you write it. You end it with bodyslam finishes in the triplicate and bam, you’ve got an effective trios showdown on Raw.
Seriously though, if Cena and Orton combined could beat the entire Raw roster (and don’t forget, that has happened), Cena plus TWO Randys Orton should be unstoppable. As much as I want to see The Shield win at Elimination Chamber (since it’ll be what, their second match in like four months?), that match should pretty much play out like this one.
Extra Special Best: Jinder Mahal Says What We’re All Thinking
loooooool
I know it didn’t work out well for you, but I’m your fan forever now, Jinder.
Worst: Alex Riley, Total Shithead
Firstly, I don’t watch Smackdown very often, so I’m going to pretend I didn’t just see a recap of Alberto Del Rio stealing The Big Show’s tires because he’s Mexican.
Secondly, leave it to good ol’ A-Ry to show up on Raw for like five seconds and make everybody watching hate his guts. Man, what a terrible person Alex Riley is. He chills backstage in his backwards cap, hanging out with a guy who barely speaks English because that’s probably the only guy who’ll think he’s cool and laugh at his jokes, spreading a bunch of name-cally gossip and getting punched out like a dingus at the first sign of danger. He can’t even sell being knocked out properly. He goes A-HUHHH as he’s falling down. And that attempted fist bump on Yoshi Tatsu? Holy shit.
Best: The Best Matt Striker Interview Ever
In a perfect world, this becomes the outline of every Matt Striker interview. “Excuse me Sheamus, I wanted to get your ARGH BROGUE KICK” collapse boom dead.
Big Show is the best. I don’t know what’s in store for him at Elimination Chamber, but my two best fantasy booking options involve him. In the first, he and Alberto Del Rio double-KO each other (or whatever), allowing Ziggler to cash in Money In The Bank and win the World Heavyweight Championship. Daniel Bryan wins the Elimination Chamber, possibly eliminating Kane last, and we get a 25ish-minute Daniel Bryan/Dolph Ziggler World Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania to make up for 18 Seconds-Gate. Del Rio and Big Show get put into a Money In The Bank ladder match at Mania, because those matches should REALLY only be happening at WrestleMania, and because they’re always better when rivals are involved.
In the other, Big Show defeats Del Rio clean via KO. Daniel Bryan wins his Chamber match (see a trend forming here?), setting up a month-long Show/Bryan feud. Show takes out Kane, possibly all the way into retirement, and Bryan has to beat him at Mania for the title and for FRIENDSHIP. They have a hard fought back-and-forth thing that ends with Bryan pulling off a miraculous victory, only for Ziggler to cash in THEN and end Bryan’s second run at WrestleMania in 18 seconds. It gives Bryan a great match at Mania while maintaining the “WrestleMania curse” thing they’ve got going on with him, gives us another month of Big Show heel awesomeness and sets up Ziggler/Bryan for a Spring series of pay-per-view main events for the strap.
In my third scenario, Ziggler never cashes in the briefcase and John Cena is awarded two MITB briefcases as a penalty.
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Hi there, With Leather! I’m a longtime reader, sometimes commenter. I just did a short run of two T-shirt designs that I couldn’t get out of my head, and I think if you are into Punk (both the music and the guy) and/or hate the current champion you might be interested in picking one or both up. I even made a sweet 5% discount code just for With Leather commenters. Check them out at [youthconspiracy.bigcartel.com] and enter the coupon code “JSOM” to save 5% on checkout.
Also, let’s talk about how awesome Mark Henry is now. Can’t wait to see him dominate in the EC this Sunday.
I respect your t-shirt.
i clicked expecting your shirts to be terrible but they’re actually awesome
Thanks for the positive reinforcement, MachoBeard and gangster rap! Now someone please buy these things before 1)my wife divorces me for having a gigantic box of dumb wrestling T-shirts sitting in our living room and/or 2)the WWE sues me.
I might have to grab that CM Punk/Black Flag shirt. Great stuff.
If that CM Punk shirt came in a 4XL, I’d buy one immediately.
/what’s that, a fat wrestling fan?
//WHAT A TWIST
I also approve. I may pull the trigger on a Punk shirt tomorrow to help a guy out.
I’ve been waiting for this all day, mostly because I accidentally took TheraFlu Night Time instead of the regular stuff and ended up passing out after Ziggler had his convo with Booker T.
That’s a pretty rough looking crew you’re rollin’ with. :D
Not gonna lie, we beat up a skinhead gang afterwards and then did some sweet biker meth later in the evening.
who’s bringing the biker meth for WM?
BUT WHO WAS HEATH SLATER AND WHO WAS JINDER?!
If you would have told me in any of the months after Wrestlemania last year that Brandon Stroud Fantasy Booking would include “Daniel Bryan loses the title at Wrestlemania in 18 seconds again”, I would have assumed that the wrestles had driven you crazy. But I really like that option.
Mark Henry’s transformation into super-awesome destroyer of life has been amazing. Take notes Big E.
Hey B. I only mention this to “reinforce” my opinions, but I recently got took on as a writer for Sky Atlantic/HBO, and your thoughts re: Punk Heyman are on the nose, and you express them marvellously. I had the same thoughts, but you arranged them better, which is why I assume most come here.
I don’t know you, but I immediately dislike you for your opening “reinforcements”. You shouldn’t need those if you have a sound statement/argument.
I guess I was saying that I’ve have done okay with my (limited) abilities, and am proud of bits of my talent, yet Brandon is still able to sum things up better than me when it comes to this stuff. Was bigging him up, by contrast. But, I appreciate your honesty, however reactionary.
and my work day is over
Bryan’s counter of the Liontamer into the No Lock was great. I was kinda hoping the match ended right there.
As soon as it didn’t end there I thought to myself “Codebreaker”
NO LIMIT SOLDIERS!!! HOOTYHOOOOOOOOO FREE C-MURDER!!!!
I realized that Brandon’s Pokemon/WWE crossover makes Kaitlyn Misty and I just now regained consciousness.
does that make funkosauris snorlax?
Sure, I think the only Golden Rule in comparing wrestlers to Pokemon is that The Big O=Onix because they sound the same, have the same expression, and you could conceivably beat both with a bucket of water.
Zack Ryder is Magikarp. Pretty awful at everything, makes you wait forever to remotely good, only knows how to flail around, and even the good version gets destroyed by other Pokemon.
Mr. McMahon has to be Giovanni, right? Right?
We are so close to Cena and Rock cutting 10 minute promos that don’t go anywhere to each other.
I’m so cold.
Sorry Brandon, but I have to disagree strongly with your view on the Swagger angle. It genuinely upset me last night and the more I thought about it the more I strongly disliked it. I just don’t feel like it is necessary, especially in this fractured nation.
I mentioned in the open thread that I especially didn’t like it because it reminds me of my current family situation in which one brother has gone completely off the rails spouting conspiracy nonsense and angry, racist screeds. He frankly will not bow down to reason and thinks screaming at everyone is a form of argument. It has turned him into a hollow shell of a person and I really don’t feel he’ll find any happiness in the coming years.
The other, more general point against it is that I don’t understand why WWE has to put real-world events/trends into storylines. The company does know that some of us watch this stuff weekly because we want an escape, right? We don’t want to be reminded about regressive, dangerous movements led by incredibly ignorant people. We don’t want cheap political jabs because Vince is pissed off that Linda lost her bid for Senate again. (We especially don’t want cheap pop culture jokes either.) We just want guys (and girls) wrestling each other because they want to be better than the other person. That’s all some of us want. I’ve been watching old 1991 WWF via OSWReview, and I feel the same about all the Iraq stuff. Just absolutely unnecessary and it looks especially awful today.
I’m a little more on the PT side of things. My family has drank a little too much tea party cool aid, and will every once in a while drop a bomb like saying Obama is clearly a Muslim and there are too many mexicans in town.
I get it that swags and mantel are the villains and we’re supposed to be booing them because they’re awful and being racist makes you awful, but I’m still crazy uncomfortable with it. I think you can do bad guy just fine without the racism.
My family is like that, too, which is why I got the hell away from my family.
I understand the “too close to home” issue, though. I’m sure if a heel started abusing animals or whatever on TV I’d get super defensive and angry for real about it, even though it’s effectively doing what it’s supposed to be doing — pissing me off to the point I forget it’s a show.
I don’t feel the same way, but I totally understand that take on it. To say I enjoyed it wouldn’t be right, but I was more taken aback that they’re even going to try this.
What worries me a little is that this was the introduction to the character. You have to wonder, assuming he ends up in a Del Rio feud at some point soon, if they’re willing to go pretty far with it. There’s definitely some really uncomfortable ground for this to cover, The other option is to back off on the rhetoric a little, and for every step back they take, you have a little more of the audience actually agreeing with them.
If they pull it off, there could be a really awesome, cathartic Del Rio moment in the future, which could be really great given how well people are taking to him now. I guess that’s what I’m hoping for; until then, keep your fingers crossed.
according to my thorough research (ie. wikipedia) Dutch Mantel was one of the guys at TNA heavily involved with building up the knockouts division, which I think bring some insight to the actual guy playing the part. He of course left before they tore it down.
I’m torn between both of these points of view. On the one hand, I agree that a heel being racist and OBVIOUSLY wrong is what makes a great storyline. But I am concerned that there is a very large part of the population (many of whom might be wrestling fans) who don’t get that racism is bad (Like my family). So I too will reserve judgment until it plays out a bit more.
Yeah, it’s not so much what the characters might do that concerns me as how the audience might respond. That scares the bejesus out of me.
I like it that this whole thing hits so close to home. I like it that we all know people, sometimes people we really care about, say these really awful and hateful things.
I like that this angle has the possibility to bring a truthful statement that a lot of you whiny liberal types have a hard time accepting: that sometimes the only way to win these fights against these awful racist people is to just kick the shit out of them and be best friends with a rad Mexican dude.
@THESTINGER:
I think you mean TWO radical Mexican Dudes. I mean Del Rio is the champion after all.
I was under the impression that the crowd was less and less hostile towards Dutch every time he uttered a racist profanity. And I think I heard clapping or people voicing their support once in a while. And personally, that’s mainly what made me uncomfortable during the segment.
+1 AlexisW. I would have been down with that angle if it were getting more heat, but it wasn’t. Not nearly enough for me to be cool with it.
I didn’t hear any of that, Alexis (not that I think you’re wrong or anything, I just didn’t hear it), but I could see that being possible because Swagger is one of those guys the WWE Universe (ugh) never seems to give a shit about one way or the other.
If they’re setting up for a Swagger/Del Rio feud, which I’ll assume they are, they really gotta go in full throttle with this racist shtick and show that it’s 100% the wrong way to think. Like smart people have said above me, there’s a huge risk of people agreeing with him if they are all Shades Of Grey about it.
I got progressively more and more uncomfortable as the segment went on. Then I realized how badly I wanted them to get their asses kicked. I can’t wait for it to happen. Like y’all are saying, though, I terrified that this isn’t going to end well, because it’s WWE and it never ends well.
The problem is that they (presumably) want Swagger to stick around so he’s likely not going to yell about white American being overrun for a month before getting his ass kicked. He’s going to stick around for a while and say these things without much of a rebuttal besides the commentater’s “Uh… anyway…” or someone going WWE babyface and saying “We the People? More like Wee the Peepee, also you are gays.”
Even if Swagger gets his comeuppance in a timely fashion, it’s just going to be two guys throwing populist, one-note slogans into each other. This is some inverted Muhammad Hassan stuff going on here.
John, that’s a really good point. I like Swagger, I think he has a lot of potential in the ring and I think he has a weird charisma, and while I like what this angle could do I don’t know how he pivots it into a longer term career. That’s a really worrying issue I didn’t think about that now makes me leery of what’s going to happen.
My problem with the whole thing is that it bores me and I simply want it off my TV. If I wanted to hear this kind of rhetoric, I’m pretty sure I can find Fox News somewhere on my cable guide. It doesn’t so much make me want to see the characters spouting it get their comeuppance as much as it does make me want to hit the mute button or change the channel.
I agree, though, that it is nice that in this case the ones spouting such ideas are positioned as heels (hopefully that remains), but a boring promo is no less boring just because the “correct” performers are making it.
I can understand why some people feel uncomfortable by the militant/tea party gimmick. In some places the gimmick obviously won’t get as much heat, because there is a significant portion of the population that is xenophobic. Historically, though, WWE has been successful at controversial lines. The Sgt. Slaughter turn is probably the best example of using foreign policy/current affairs to get heel heat. Koloff and the Iron Shiek are other good examples of this kind of dynamic.
Fascinating to read this but I feel like I’m missing something. If heels are allowed to go over the line, why was everyone ok with Abraham Washington getting fired?
Because glib jokes that diminish the power and horror of rape are different than premeditated bad guys being bad guys.
Plus, while I think there is value in Swagger being a super racist bad guy who can feud with ADR and afterwards move to Cesaro to make him turn face (pleasepleaseplease) I don’t think there is any place at all to base a storyline on rape (again, ugh).
I like Abraham Washington, I just hate casual references to rape for comedic effect. It’s bad and does a lot of harm.
Unless they are glib jokes about Heidenreich raping Michael Cole. Those are fair game.
The other thing is that AW’s gimmick wasn’t “rape apologist” (nor should anyone’s gimmick ever be that), he was just supposed to be an asshole, bragging sports agent, so the extra (lack of) context made the remarks much more jarring.
Holy shit, you guys.
screw you for making me remember the massive RAW burial of 08.
The racist guy who won’t stop punching Jerry Lawler had me crying laughing. Well done.
There was a comment last night that missed the top ten, I’m guessing barely that was something along the lines of “you play the song backwards you get your truck back, your dog back, your woman back, your allegations of sexual assault from a 13-year-old back” I thought it was hilarious. Great job whoever that was.
I guess he’s going with Jack Swagger Of Marginalized White Men, so you were kinda close.
I’d pay tens of dollars for Swagger to end every promo with “Roll Tide.”
Evan Bourne is still Squirtle in this Pokemon analogy, correct?
yes, of course
Wait, why is Evan Bourne a Squirtle again?
Don’t tell me you can’t remember one of the greatest moments in B/W history?
My brain doesn’t work as well as it used to due to sleep deprivation :(
BAWOR 7/4/11: [withleather.uproxx.com]
“Evan Bourne delivering the “Sgt. Slaughter is here because the Fourth of July” exposition with the panache of season 2 Jan Brady was hilarious to me for some reason. I don’t know what cracks me up so hard about listening to this guy talk. He’s just so little, it’s like Sgt. Slaugther was being greeted by a Squirtle. Seriously, Bourne could’ve just say “Hey Sarge, squirtle squirtle” and put on some sunglasses and it would’ve been the same.”
LOLOLOL! NOW I REMEMBER! :D SQUIRTLE-SQUIRT!
…now that I think about it, I was at that RAW! I’m a dumb.
Austin Aries in the ring but Roderick Strong on the mic is the best description of Tyler Black I’ve ever read.
I agree, sick burn.
I also loved Sandow yelling “Silence!”
He needs to find a way to work in a “SEIZE THEM!”
Always a best!
A little dose of Gary Oldman in the Professional would be nice too. “Everyone?” “EVVVVVVVVERRRRRY ONNNNNNNEEE!!!”
SECURITY! WOULD YOU PLEASE ESCORT THAT TROGLODYTE OUT OF THE ARENA?
I’m really glad you said what you said about the Swagger angle, Brandon. I want my pro wrestling heels to be as offensive as possible. I want them to make me want to boo at my TV and say “fuck this guy.” I don’t want that reaction to saved for only people like John Cena and The Rock.
I see this attitude constantly (or at least whenever heels do something actually bad, which I guess is kind of rare these days) around here of people not understanding that the heels are suppose to offend you and make you angry. We’re been conditioned so much to cheer for the heels that when they do something that actually makes us want to boo them our first reaction is “oh, this is terrible.”
Right. You should cheer for the characters your like, and the job of the wrestling promotion should be to make you like the characters they want you to cheer for.
Honestly, I’m just afraid the “WWE Universe” as a whole isn’t smart enough or decent enough to take this the way they should.
I’m going to hold judgement until WWE Shop releases a Jack Swagger shirt with the tagline, “If It Ain’t White, It Ain’t Right!” on the back.
And even if it is obvious. DO WANT ZIGGLER VS JERICHO @ MANIA.
HOLY SHITSNACKS I MADE THE TOP 10. MY LIFE FINALLY HAS MEANING!
I mean…uh, that’s cool bro.
Congrats bro!
Welcome to the inner circle…
“Hey WWE, if you want to pay two fewer people, just show a Daniel Bryan/Chris Jericho match graphic and have Michael Cole say “Chris Jericho wants to be in the Elimination Chamber. If he beats Daniel Bryan tonight, he’s in!””
Amen to this. It worked this way for decades and was never a problem for anyone. I’ll never understand why every important match has to be booked by some on-screen authority figure. It’s such a waste of time and is a total momentum killer. It’s probably my least favorite part of watching a wrestling show. Just sitting there completely bored while we wait for the boss’s music to hit, come down to the ring, make some bad jokes, and then book the match we all know was going to happen anyway.
I’d say that’s the product of a 3-hour Raw, but then they used to do way too much of this for 2-hour ones too. Ah well.
And a +1 to you for the awesome screen name and avatar!
Thinking of the indie shows I’ve been to or watched, I think the only time they’ve ever needed an authority figure to discussing booking a match was because one of the wrestlers no-showing was worked in to the story or some pre-planned swerve in the storyline. It’s not needed for “uh, so let’s have Ziggler and Kingston wrestle again this week.”
So Swagger’s angle…does that mean Linda isn’t running for office again…or she is? Something will happen and it will quietly go away I’m afraid…although with Dutch involved I’m hopeful it doesn’t.
I doubt she’s running again and even if she does, it’ll just be for the money like last year.
say what you will about rock, but he has no problem with taking a beating to make the other guy look like a boss. not like bork laser who has a fit that cena didn’t sell being beat to an inch of his life.
I think Bork’s complaint was Cena, beaten within an inch of his life, cuts an on-air promo RIGHT AFTER the match about how he’s taking time off. I mean, Cena wins but he can at least try to sell the brutality by waiting til Monday to say anything. And what was the point of the promo if Cena was just on every Raw every week anyway? I think this, besides Cena winning the match, was why everybody lost their shit over Extreme Rules last year.
Bork was in the right. Cena didn’t handle it the right way. Again.
Everyone knows I love the Miz, but I would pay every single dollar I have/will earn in the future to see Cesaro come out and do that to him every single time he thinks of saying something shitty.
Every single goddamn dollar.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go watch that gif of Cesaro rolling up his sleeves over and over because….lady reasons.
someones about to double click the mouse
I think we all dream of having one moment in our lives where we’re as utterly boss as Cesaro rolling up his sleeves as he walks over to deliver death to his foe.
I love the name “We The People,” for Zeb’s bigoted, Tea Party-esque faction (if that is indeed where they’re heading). It’s evil in its populist simplicity and that’s something I can get behind hating. I’ve liked the heels for so long now that it feels so good in an almost naughty way that I find myself despising a bad guy for an actual reason that is, indeed, bad. It’s like how one cannot make a good rape joke without the awareness that rape is fucking horrible. It’s a tight-rope of a walk, but it can be done. Or you could do what Tosh.O does and make it about, “Rape is funny, ha! Get it?!” The WWE has chosen the latter far too often that when it does something like the former, it’s almost unbelievable.
I love Mark Henry. What he does is what sells this guy. I’m always amazed by how someone who’s been around for so long has been able to re-invent himself in a way where he becomes this modern, edgy concept that’s as fresh and as relevant as the Cesaro’s or Ambrose’s of the world. He could easily have fallen into the “dated wrestler” trap that many long-term performers have before him, but he didn’t because FUCK THAT, ALL WILL SUFFER! I don’t like the new Henry, shirt, however. I’d much prefer a white on black version of his Hall of Pain shirt, except with ’13 on it and “THAT’S WHAT I DO” on the back.
And damn, Cesaro is so beastly. He almost seemed like a Russian mafia leader who, tired of his underlings screwing him over with their incompetence, decides to take matters into his own hands. Revving up to destroy The Miz with that magical, swinging move is a great example of the subtleties that these characters can have, but mostly lack in today’s WWE. It’s better now than it was in, say, the dark ages of 2007/2008 until 2010, but still.
Ah, and to think I was going to give up watching this stuff.
Woops, I meant “black on white version” of the Hall of Pain shirt. Eh, fuck it, I’m just going to go put on the original Hall of Pain shirt and call it a day.
You’re making a really valid point. I can’t remember the last time I actually hated a heel for kayfabe reasons. It’s really easy to be super smarky and be all, “he’s doing such a good job as a bad guy that I like him!” but this is a character that literally makes that impossible.
Thanks man. The WWE doesn’t know it now, but Zeb is the most real villain at the moment. He has enough folksy charm that, if he were a real figure in politics, could sway opinion solely by appeasing to society’s underlying fears of change (and whatever scapegoats can be rounded up in response). It’s a common thread in history and an important (if not terrifying) current issue our society is currently confronting. The WWE could really benefit from this in a way they weren’t expecting. It’s a comment on the state of modern politics as much as it is about how awful Zeb’s beliefs are.
Of course, that doesn’t change the fact that the WWE is run by neoconservatives who support the even worse paleoconservatives (or social conservatives), but by exposing that very aspect of modern conservatism as looney but charmingly dangerous is more relevant than anything they’ve done recently.
I feel good about hating Zeb and Swagger’s We The People. And that’s because they’re wrong about what they’re saying, and they don’t care to know what’s wrong about it. That’s a real problem, and it’s evil.
I’m sure, at some detached level, I could appreciate how good We The People is at pretending to be these vile human beings, but it would never change the fact that the WWE’s right in telling us to hate them. That’s like some old-school shit right there.
I like what you have to say. Seriously, good post man.
@Julian – Zeb is the best heel yet, and I was happily unhappy to see people in the crowd shaking their fist with pride when he talked about border crossing and what not. It seemed like the crowd was alright with that, which made me think no one’s listening or cares. There should be a lot more boos, but then again, its Nashville, Tennesse.
It’s a great angle that would have brought out some of the best insults from me if I saw both those sonsabitches live.
In my opinion, they played up this similar angle with Alberto Del Rio being the rich Mexican aristocrat, variation on a theme of Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase with culture mixed in during a time when immigration was on the political forefront, and it made me anxious, but I enjoyed cheering for him. I live and grew up in south Texas, so casual racism was, and still is, a way of life for many. I must say Brandon Stroud is an agent of change for me and has provided a different point of view on the subject.
I just wonder if there’s people out there on the other side of the spectrum who will love racist Jack Swagger like I loved heel Alberto Del Rio in spite of being heels because they can relate to them.
[cdn.wl.uproxx.com]
^That is all I came for…will read the rest after work.
The creative staff should just focus on different unique ways Cesaro can show off his strength. Preferably always on The Miz. I don’t dislike Miz but seeing him get dangled around kinda felt right.
Brandon, thank you for being mostly fair about the Swagger/Coulter angle. I say mostly because of the “Mainstream Republican” thing…and that brings me to my issue with the Zeb character.
As someone who considers himself a moderate conservative, I am kind of uncomfortable with how divisive Zeb’s character can become. Commenter “PT” said it well above, regarding how fractured the nation is. This seems like the worst time to do this – not that there’s a best time. And often times for liberals, from my perspective, a common fallacy seems to be to knock down ridiculous straw men of what they portray the majority of conservatives to be. Coulter is looking to be the strawiest of straw men, and does us all no good.
Thanks for reading, and I hope it means something to you that I look forward to this column all day in spite of our differences. (I am consistently refreshing the WL main page all afternoon until Best/Worst arrives, on a site I wouldn’t otherwise read.) I sometimes wish you wouldn’t take the political cheap shots you do, but I take it all as a whole, and again, hope that means something. I have other wrestling columns I check out, but your humor, along with the humor of most of your commenters, makes this stop #1.
I’m legitimately curious as to what you think of this as a conservative, but do you find it incredibly strange that Vince would sign off on a character like this? That was my first thought.
Good question about Vince, 85, I guess I would file it under “Things they wouldn’t have done while Linda was still running for office, but gets the green light now.”
And I’d like to add that it’s certainly not the most uncomfortable character they’ve done…I remember the Hassan character in the mid 2000s. But I think it just can’t end well no matter where it goes. (Not far enough = 50/50 reaction from fans; Too far = unfair portrayal of people from the south seen as conservative stereotypes.)
Strawmen are things that don’t exist in the real world and are propped up to be knocked down so as to prove a point. Each and every one of us know lots of people like Zeb. It’s not a strawman if it’s truthful.
Hell, I think it’s actually a little beneficial to conservative types because it’s so on the nose that conservatives can feel good that they’re not as obvious about their beliefs as Zeb is, instead hiding behind a lot of their coded language to protect them from accusations of racism.
I think Stinger’s point is valid too. There’s enough people out there who are the real-life version of the blown-out caricature Zeb is that everybody knows this guy. Toned down, usually, and in fewer numbers that either they or their worst enemies would have you think, but they’re out there. I’d like to think that regardless of the lever you pull, we can agree it’s ok to have beef with the “too many faces don’t look like mine” guy.
THESTINGER, you are sort of proving my point. The divisiveness of people thinking normal conservatism is like this.
Oh absolutely right 85…also I saw others mention they have relatives that saying things that are all too similar right now to what Zeb said. That is really a shame, and ideally we can talk them down off the crazy ledge instead of totally unplug from trying to reach them.
I click clack letters onto my keyboard and those letters create words which your eyes then read and your brain then twists into something I never said.
Sure, “normal conservatism” may not always be as open and awful as Zeb. I said as much. But “normal conservatism” gives people like Sarah Palin a platform to talk about “real America”, or Michele Bachman the ability to talk about how the Pigford settlement was wrong and that all that money should be given to victims of Mississippi floods (namely, she was talking to and about white farmers in the Midwest), or gives money to Rush Limbaugh to talk about welfare queens and Mark Levin to shout about borders and English being a sacred language.
Sure, Zeb isn’t “normal conservatism” but it isn’t like “normal conservatism” is that far off, either. And this isn’t about divisiveness, this is about reality.
I would think as a moderate conservative you would love this character. I’m not a Republican, but I know plenty who hate their own party these days. It’s been taken over by a small minority who hides its bigoted messages in “Real America” and “morality” and other doublespeak. Ronald Reagan wouldn’t recognize his own party. And I like where Vince is coming from in framing this character as a bad person. I’m sure he feels the way a lot of moderate conservatives do, and making this character a heel is his way of espousing these feelings. I would love for, at some point, a shoot conservative face to come out and tell these two, “I’m a real American, and you two don’t represent me.” I know this could all end badly, but for now I am very intrigued.
Man of 1004 Holds, I would love to see them go that way with it – that would use such a bad character to a good end.
And I previously hadn’t thought of Vince’s motivation in those terms so thanks for your perspective!
In that sense, it really does make sense why Vince would go this route. When Vince has an axe to grind, he tends to try to make the target look foolish on TV. He did it with Hogan, Savage, Turner, Nash and Hall off the top of my head just by putting the most mocking version of them out there as possible. Maybe he blames the fringe right for Linda’s loss, i.e. Vince torching $50 million, so the Tea Party gets this.
I don’t think this is supposed to be “moderate conservative” Zeb. Hell, right now immigration is about the most agreed-upon issue there is between the two major parties. Maybe if they keep it to being a bigot they can avoid bringing in other issues, which would get really dicey given the audience. Wrestling’s done racism before, maybe they can update it and do it again without alienating too many fans.
I know I speak for everyone when I say that I usually turn on wrestling when I want to spark an intellectual debate on political differences.
I just want to see a feud between Swagger and Daniel Bryan over their differences on Medicare. On Pay-Per-View.
I’m curious about Swagger’s politics, I wonder if he came up with this character or had a hand in it. Regardless of one’s opinion, it fucking worked. More ink has been spilled on Swagger in the last 24 hours than in his entire run in the WWE.
Let’s also keep in mind Zeb or Swagger have not formally mentioned any political party and are just being dicks in general, so we should boo them.
I like them bringing something to the table that will make people feel something real, a real emotion. Clearly, it pushed a lot of our buttons, and I look forward to seeing where this goes and would pay money to watch someone whip their ass or see them live where I can yell shit at these fucking pieces of shit.
I’m kinda surprised Vince would okay this, since one of his closest friends in real life, Donald Trump, has fueled the birther conspiracy more than any other person on TV.
Man of 1004 Holds has a point. Somebody who comes off conservative like JBL on commentary (despite his past feud history w/ Mexcan-Americans) could be really important on selling this character as nothing but a disgusting and wrong heel. Even Cole/Lawler will be important pieces in selling Mantel’s views as being nothing but fringe extremism that have no place in today’s society.
I just want to give a +1 to all of you for a really great thread.
Only here for the Cesaro gif…will read the rest 2mrrw or later tonight.
I like that you not giving a shit about my actual column was so important you had to post it twice.
I’m just here to Free Hat.
I’m here for the gang bang.
I was told there’d be punch and pie.
I think it’s about the 4th time today I’ve seen the Cesaro gif. I still laugh every time Miz clangs off the barricade.
Someone should put that gif to Yakety Sax and let the lulz soar.
Would’ve been more effective if Swagger’s manager was Alex Jones or Glenn Beck. But then you’d kinda be forced to pair Wade Barrett with Piers Morgan, huh?
Somehow, I’m not sure I have any real-life friends who know who both Piers Morgan and Barrett are. I’m glad someone else sees it.
Alex Jones is not a complete backwoods piece of shit, but he is batshit crazy…ABOUT LIBERTY!
True Story: Shook Alex Jones’ hand this weekend in Austin. Met his young son, too, who clearly takes after his father with confidence and manners. He complimented my daughter’s name.
Alex Jones is such a strong advocate for liberty that he thinks the powerful should have the liberty to deny liberty to everyone else. FREEEEEEEDOM!
Oh, and just make Tensai and Brodus the new Natural Disasters. Since Tensai is playing up the whole Japanese gimmick, he’s obviously the new Typhoon.
I mean Tensai’s name translates to “calamity” anyway.
My Japanese must be off…I thought it translated to “clams casino”
I just thought it was a nod to Raphael’s weapon closet at home.
I met Earthquake (John Tenta) at Disney’s Magic Kingdom, when I was 10 or so. It wasn’t a special appearance or anything. He was in line, with his family, pushing a stroller. All I remember is giant scary man with tattoos being a totally normal dad.
I can’t decide what I want to see more– a Ziggler v Jericho match for the WHC at Wrestlemania, or Brandon’s Bryan v Show scenario with Ziggler cashing in. Either one’s a winner for me.
The WWE is horrible at starting and ending feuds. A super racist character is the easiest “in” for a feud they can have. Just don’t throw shade at it, make Swagger and Colter clearly the bad guys, and this can work very well.
I didn’t think that last weeks death of Miz could be topped, yet here we are :-)
I hope all the heels are having a contest to see who can kill Miz the best.
Tune in next week for Big Show and Mark Henry the following week, LOL.
I’d like him to die every week. Like Kenny from that badly drawn cartoon.
The greatest Itchy & Scratchy tribute ever!…or maybe Cane & Abel from the Sandman comics
I second Alex* except with Mark Henry every week. YELLING!
I think I tipped off my office that I wasn’t working when I got to the Cesaro-Miz .gif and all that came out of my mouth was a dopey smile and “HAWWWWWWW!”
I want Mark Henry to win Elimination Chamber because Mark Henry should win the World Heavyweight Title because Mark Henry should be World Heavyweight Champion because Mark Henry is awesome. Screw the rest of that noise. Call me when somebody is better at babyfacing as Mark Henry is at heeling.
Great great write-up Brandon. I’m glad it was (for the most part) a pretty solid show or we might have just gotten a “NOPE.” .gif and never heard from you again ;)
At this point I’m expecting Miz/Cesaro @ Elimination Chamber to be a spot-for-spot reenactment of Destructor vs. The Gender Bender.
Column seemed longer than usual, although I may have been staring at the Cesaro gif for an hour. Nice work as always!
I must have been sick last night because I was lying down and sort of enjoying The Rock’s promo. I’m going back to bed because obviously my fever is making me delierious.
I sort of agree. I mean, if Vince or whoever insists on telling the show-closing talent to “Go waste ten minutes, whatever,” I’d much prefer that Rock be talking than Cena.
I thought we all agreed that we should use the phrase “wig split” at least ONCE when talking about Mark Henry, gawd.
Anyone else hopeful that Swagger’s racism will eventually lead to a Cesaro face turn? I mean, if he loves America and hates Americans what American is better to hate and prove Cesaro’s point than Swagger?
Only if it ends with Cesaro uppercutting Swagger back to Marth.
I’m getting giddy just thinking about this.
Hello. Big Gold Belt held by Del Rio?
I’d pay to watch the Mexican lucha legend defend his World Title against the bigoted backwoods pieces of shit.
Truth is, THAT is the heart of pro-wrestling: Watching social issues play out before our eyes and have us participate in it as an audience.
Does anyone else think they could end up joining forces? It would be the best way to mess up both their gimmicks – I can’t see the WWE not taking that option.
I agree with all of this. Congratulations, author.
If life were more like Final Fantasy (and it should be), Mark Henry is who you summon to kill the final boss.
Seeing Dutch Mantell on TV made me do a literal double take
I think I came up with it yesterday for the tensai/brodus team and I liked it,
“So I guess it’s T & Clay now?”
I kinda want this to be a thing. Because I laugh at my own jokes. … Shouldn’t have said that.
I vote for “T & Clay”, as well.
It’s short, amusing and possibly predictive of their future endeavors.
did you just unwittingly imply Brodus is going to die? Run Brodus Run!
Cesaro doing that to Miz reminds me of the Flintstones when Bam Bam would grab someone by the leg or whatever and slam them into the ground.
Do y’all ever have times where you realize you’re accidentally doing something funny?
While I was thinking about the Swagger/Coulter promo today, I suddenly realized I was humming They Might Be Giants’ “Your Racist Friend” and lol’d at myself.
Ok, off to read the column!
I am so glad I’m not the only one who had that running through their head.
Brandon,
As someone who is a pro-wrestling fan and a college football fan, all I can say is your fantasy booking option #3 sounds like a WWE Death Penalty sanction to me. Terrifying thought. Keep up the good work.
I hate to be “that guy” but, I enjoyed last week’s NXT more than this week’s Raw. The women’s division on NXT is amazing where the women have different gimmicks and actual storylines. It’s almost rage inducing that these ladies aren’t on Raw. Especially Paige. She should already be a big deal.
And the Wyatt family are awesome.
I can’t wait for Brodie Lee/Luke Harper. He’s still finding his WWE-style groove but there’s no reason he can’t get in there and hoss-fight it up with Sheamus and Cesaro.
I hope you’re right about the Ziggler cash in. If they don’t do it at EC they’re really cutting it close. If it’s not at Extreme Rules it’d be interesting to see them do it during the next MITB PPV, before or during the MITB match actually ends. Then there can be a whole bunch of controversy and it sets up Ziggler for a super good heel run.
Having missed the Ziggler-Kane match because of a debate (Batman and Iron Man: Superheroes or just Heroes?), I’m a bit sad to hear that it was a pretty good match.
However, I missed The Rock’s bedtime story, so that’s good.
Batman and Iron Man are neither superheroes no heroes, they are fascists. They are easily the two worst superheroes for people to actually like. Nerd.
The only superhero Stinger recognizes is the alternate reality where Superman grew up in Soviet Russia.
And Ghost Rider. Possibly Blade.
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Mr. Burns asks Lisa “Are you always *on?*”
Internet nerd tries to burn me with a Simpsons reference and THESTINGER doesn’t give a fuck. News at 11.
Yeah, because being a dick to someone over a throwaway comment about fucking superheroes is a cool thing to do.
Also, I don’t think anyone commenting on a message board really has any room to call someone else an “Internet nerd.” I’m not saying I’m not that. But, I mean, what are you?
Fuck, dude, just keep doing your thing. There’s nothing I can say that’ll make you look worse than you already do to yourself. You’re not even worthy of a dismissive wanking motion, you pedantic nerd.
Whatever. I won’t lose any sleep over what you think of me. Just keep calling people and things you don’t like ‘fascist.’ Who am I to complain about your schtick?
I think he’s trolling you, PNG.
I’m not trolling. Ironman and Batman are terrible. Billionaire white men who use their power and privilege to inflict violence upon others and force their beliefs on society through undemocratic means is pretty terrible and horrible. Seriously.
PNG, seriously, I’m going to try to be as direct and nice about this as possible.
I can’t remember a time where you had a constructive or funny thing to say, or a dialogue with anyone that wasn’t just awful. You don’t say anything smart, funny, interesting, or otherwise worthwhile. You shit post and then make it all be about how you shit post so we end up talking about you again.
Just stop it, dude. I remember the period of my life where I started becoming really introspective and tried to improve myself. Understood that if one person said I was a jackass that maybe that person was a dick, but if the whole town started calling me a jackass that maybe I should look in the mirror. Hell, I promise you I’ve reread this post before I hit submit a few times because Jesus.
Yes, I know I have a shtick. Trust me when I say the tone I try to convey doesn’t come across perfectly on the interwebs (although you nerds need to think about how you celebrate a terrible icon like Batman who appeals to your impotent white maleness). But I also know I’ve made some really great friends here and just about everyone I can name who posts on this thing has said something interesting or funny. You’re literally the only person I recognize here who I can’t remember ever making me smile.
The good news is is that you don’t have to be a shit poster! Tomorrow is a new day! Go read some Eugene Debs or something. Go get a perspective that is fresh and interesting and adds a worthwhile twist that you can share. Have something to say that isn’t total shit. Until then, don’t try to step to because I will just clown you, son.
Way to clown that fuckin’ NERD, THESTINGER! Now THAT’S how a progressive, open-minded human being responds to someone who disagrees with them! If you don’t call them names and tell them in the harshest way possible that all their ideas are complete shit, they’ll never GET IT, ya know??
You are a giant, toxic asshole.
Ricky’s response was my initial thought. So thank you, Mr. Steamboat, for proving that “the whole town” doesn’t hate me.
That said, I want to thank Stinger for being civil in attempting to explain what he thinks my malfunction is. Seriously. You obviously put some thought into that, to best say what you meant.
I hope you’ll allow me to do the same (I’ll also do my best to keep it nice): I think you think far too highly of yourself. I’m not saying that to ‘score a point,’ or whatever. It’s my honest opinion. You suggest “the town” thinks I’m a jackass. But who have I had full-blown arguments with here? Brandon and you. Two people does not make a town; even if those two people are the mayor and… the guy who provides the mayor with .gifs.
We don’t like each other, and that’s fine. But you disliking me doesn’t mean I’m worthless, and it doesn’t mean that everyone else agrees with you. If they do, they’re a hell of a lot nicer than you are, because I haven’t heard it from them.
And for the record, I couldn’t care less about Batman and the fascist, male-dominated world he represents. I just thought was trollish to jump on someone about it when it had nothing to do with his post. I mean, c’mon, there’s no reason to post that *other* than to pick a fight. So we’ve both been guilty of that.
NOW CAN WE MOVE ON AND TALK ABOUT WRESTLING, PLEASE?
(Sorry Brandon.)
Jesus, you two just don’t get it.
I agree with literally no one here about the things I care most about. Seriously. It isn’t about disagreeing about things, it’s about PNG being a shit poster.
You’ve done this thing with numerous people on numerous times. Just because a lot of better people choose to just ignore you doesn’t mean that they like you, it just means they ignore you. I’m serious, when was the last time you had a humorous or interesting back and forth with anyone here? I’ve never seen it.
This isn’t about us disagreeing. It’s about you just being terrible. And Steamboat, I’m not a progressive guy but I do keep an open mind with people and ideas until it becomes obvious that the ideas or the people are just bullshit. It is flattering that someone without the most basic ability to read for comprehension thinks I’m a toxic asshole, thanks pal :)
And, fuck, PNG Steamboat didn’t say he didn’t hate you: he just said he hated me. I’m an obnoxious guy with a strong personality and I hold beliefs that are alien to most, so of course some dweebs are going to dislike me. It’s part of the job.
Just stop shit posting. That’s all I ask.
While walking my mom’s dog this morning (She’s sick and I live near by but feel free to call me a momma’s boy since apparently we can’t have discussions without name calling) I saw a Great Dane who was evacuating himself all over the place. I would wager to say that I’d consider that a giant toxic asshole. THESTINGER, not so much. We all have different senses of humor. He finds his schtick fun, I vastly prefer dumb puns, and other people prefer pop culture references. When we start taking personal offense to comments that aren’t even aimed at us then this open social framework we’ve developed for the sharing of ideas, be it humorous, serious or the not infrequent attempt at humor that misses the mark starts to deteriorate. I guess what I’m saying is, let’s all be friends or at the very least begrudging peers who only say mean things about eachother when we’ve drank too much.
Yeah.
My point is that I think it was a bit harsh to spend 6 paragraphs telling someone how shitty they are because they made a Simpson’s reference. That shouldn’t happen.
Winning a flame war is a Pyrrhic victory of the highest order.
Or, remember that time you saw people shouting at each other in public and thought to yourself, “Those are some valid points that one person is making.”
Besides, it’s all moot since Aquaman is clearly the best superhero.
If anyone talks shit about Spider-Man or Wolverine, I won’t forgive you.
Also, you’re all wrong. Moon Knight is clearly the best of all comic book characters.
“Pyrrhic Victor” should be the 21st badge.
I was going to say that Dolph/AJ reminds me of Saturday Night Lives’ “Two A-holes” characters, but the Team Rocket thing is WAY too good to pass up.
It’s a good thing Punk came out and interrupted Rock’s promo when he did. Rock was just about to tell an audience member that his Call of Duty gamer tag is PieEater69.
I disagree, Shield have to win this weekend or else they become just another Nexus or Corre, groups that also started strong and ultimately failed because they never DID anything. Winning this match is an indelible mark on WWE history. (So about four months or so)
WWE needs to build some fucking odds for its heroes to overcome. Have the super team lose to a better-coordinated unit, make them earn their win, instead of getting it the first time they try and acting like it’s a huge surprise that the guys who always win the big match won the big match.
Think of something like the Miami Heat. People hated them for forming the super team and assuming they’d roll to victory. But when they fell short, and had to work to get that title, most of the venom went away, because it fit an understandable and relatable narrative.
John Cena has devolved into a deus ex machina. He shows up and fixes everything through his divine will, and that’s so terrible as a narrative device. Losing here also makes his guaranteed win against Rock slightly more bearable, because, again, he’s coming off a loss and all his underdog bullshit is more plausible.
It’s just basic storytelling, but I’m so afraid they’re going to fuck it up again.
I think the Shield thing started to fall apart when, like with the Nexus, it became clear there wasn’t an end game. It’s looking less and less all the time like one night we’re going to be blown away when we find out who’s REALLY been calling the shots for the Shield all along.* Eventually, they’ll have put everyone through a table (they have), and they’ll have nothing else to be angry about but “justice” (they don’t), and Jern Cena will beat them all instantly and by May they’ll be the Three Man Jug Band.
*always assume Hornswoggle
Is this match going to be in the Elimination Chamber? I hope so (WARGAMES!!!) and that it can also make for a credible way for The SHIELD to win. I mean, one on one these guys can’t beat any of those three but in a team v team matchup with weird rules I can totally buy that their tearmwork could win them the day.
Plus, it’s the situation (a situation we’ve been to a bunch) where a loss would mean nothing to Cena or Sheamus, but letting the Shield win would be huge to them. It’s a no-brainer booking wise. So, I’d put money on jorts. Always bet on jorts.
There are multiple viable endgames for the Shield, but none of them have meaning if they lose this match.
The easiest one is that they win Sunday, then lose to the super team after Wrestlemania in a match that would suddenly have real gravitas. They lose, but now have the kayfabe chops to be credible at any point on the card.
Break them up and push one or more to the tippy top, have another tag team division revival with them as heel champs for a plucky face team to beat, anything you want after that, but it all hinges on them winning the match on Sunday.
If they lose, they seem destined to be a team of Wade Barretts, never as big a deal as they should be because they’ve never won anything important. Sure you could push them individually later, but that’s a lot more work then making three guys at once with one match.
@shabbydude,
Unfortunately, I think the creative side of WWE feels that was accomplished at TLC when they beat the Ryback and Team Hell No in their first official WWE match. I agree with everything you are saying, but the narrative you are imagining (and the one most of us want) is not the narrative creative is creating. The Shield’s comeuppance happens Sunday so they don’t have a story element going into Mania. It frees Sheamus and Ryback to move into whatever and Cena vs. Rock (the rematch no one wants) gets to take full attention.
After the paint-by-numbers affair that was the Royal Rumble, I can’t envision a scenario where Shield wins based on the current WWE state of affairs. If they won, what would they do for the next month and a half ’til Mania? It’s not like they’ve been used effectively on TV since TLC.
You’re probably right TwoTon, but I can’t envision WWE believing that one match against a bunch of middling guys is enough. (Obviously not all middling talent-wise, but DBry is their new post-title Benoit; The guy they can throw out to make the top guys look amazing. The guy who’s so good at pro wrestling that he seems like a credible threat despite never winning those matches.)
As we saw with Punk after the heel turn, Cena is the WWE’s litmus test. Beat him and you’re tippy top, otherwise you haven’t earned your place. (In Punk’s case it didn’t matter that he’d already beaten Cena multiple times, but for less than the title, once should be enough.)
For Wrestlemania the Shield could be lingering in the background, maybe show up to cost Sheamus or Orton, or other not Cena faces matches which leads to Super Team 2 beating them in a gimmick match at Extreme Rules.
I really wanted Wargames too, but I guess we don’t get things that nice.
The only possible saving grace is that the “Shield/Heyman/Punk what’s really going on” story can continue past the Chamber, possibly as part of the Punk/Taker story or in best/worst case scenario Punk vs. Lesnar.
The last setup involving Heyman screwing Punk at the Chamber because Punk wouldn’t let him go.
I think we all know that Cena is going to throw The Shield into a crate and ship them back to NXT. We just don’t want to believe it.
two things:
1) the bromance between punk and heyman: always gets me in the feels
2) the shield promo: really should let ambrose do the talking. YES, they are a unit of one and that’s fine, but really, i’d rather ambrose do the talking and reigns and rollins do the ass kicking. (both of them should NEVER yell on the mic in unison.) also, dean ambrose can GET IT.
Yeah, I think if Ambrose did all the talking but was the one that also got his ass kicked the most (so far that’s Rollins), let Rollins be a wrestling badass, and let Roman Reigns be the stoic muscle monster. Let each guy play to their strengths.
But, yeah, I know why they let everyone else talk. It would be too easy for it to be Ambrose just being the best talker and the best wrestler.
I mentally checked out of this show sometime int he middle of hour two and woke up to a GTS to The Rock. I just can’t do these 3 hour shows anymore. I have a real hard time devoting 3 straight hours to the same program. I know wrestling is a unique business that not only has to satisfy the home audience, as any other TV series, but also a live audience, like a sporting event. You can’t go back to 1 Hour 4 shows taped in a row early days of RAW but 3 hours each and every week is just…it’s draining.
I thought the 2 hour length of RAW was best for having the right amount of recap and the right amount of moving storylines further. With the 3 hour RAWs, it feels like we didn’t get any additional wrestling or even talking segments. It feels like an extra 40 minutes of recaps. My anecdotal evidence of this is that the B&Ws didn’t get any longer. They’re still 6-7 pages. So if there isn’t more for Brandon to write about, what is there in place? Commercials and recaps.
As shitty as NCIS is…can USA please go back to 2 hour RAWs?
I don’t disagree. I thought last night’s episode was really good (I was getting to the point of teenage angst rage quitting WWE if it was a bad episode, too) but I DVR’d Smackdown the other week and watched that two hour show in under 40 minutes.
Sorry to SirBruce, but I also see the perspective that says that it isn’t like we’d get less of the things we dislike with two hour episodes and instead shorter episodes would mean no Cesaro and other things I like. So there’s that.
These live threads really help. All the recaps on RAW give me a chance to go back an read comments, and the thread just makes the 3 hours fly by,
I don’t mind three hour Raws as long as I have the live thread/twitter. I used to skim through videos of it on Tuesday if I missed it, but now I stick with B/W. I also can’t watch Smackdown. 2 hours of Raw and skipping through episodes of Smackdown on youtube was doable, but I can’t do 5 hours of WWE a week (not counting PPVs). I want to check out Main Event and NXT, but there’s only so
much WWE I can handle.
What’s helped me with Raw’s is skipping parts of it. Like as soon as Cena shows up I turn it off for like 10 minutes and go do other stuff. I sometimes miss some stuff, but it helps keep my interest from dwindling too fast.
Cesaro really is great for the US title. He’s willing to roll up his sleeves to get to work and do what needs to be done :D
Sweet! Executive VP of Talent Relations!
*looks around for a candidate to wish luck to*
Last night I couldn’t help but feel like AJ, Ziggler and Langston looked like the coolest gang, ever. Mildly surreal, like all the best wrestling stuff.
Also, the catch by Ben and Ziggy not getting pissed off.
I’m here, because I’m addicted to knowing wrestling stuff and Uproxx badges.
You’re so right about Wade Barrett being the English Carlito now. What the heck happened, Wade?? Snap out of it!
He gobsmacks blokes that ain’t bein’ aces,
Whoa… shubbydude. That’s awesome.
Two things: you guys have been dying to make a parallel between wrestling and Pokemon for months. I don’t know anything about Pokemon, so stop this hijinks.
And two, no one has disputed that Mark henry’s theme song, right after it says ‘ Somebody’s goin’ get their ass kicked’, it sounds like he says ‘ somebody bout to get buttf***ed”. Since there is no dispute, I will now accept it as canon.
I know nothing of the Pokemons and always feel left out :(
If it makes you feel any better I’m working on a post for a wrestling website talking about the wrestles and Lord of the Rings and I think it works.
I’m also pokemon-ignorant. Let’s start a support group, with blackjack, and hookers…
I want to see that LotR post when it’s ready.
THE WRESTLES AND LORD OF THE RINGS ARE MY TWO MOST FAVORITE THINGS! More so than raindrops on roses
I feel energized to also come out of the Pokemon closet. I fucking LOATHED those things in the late 90′s. Though, you gotta admit, best marketing strategy ever. Hey kids, you can only become superterrificawesomegogochampionyay! if you collected all the pokemon. Genius. Although I hated them, I loved the Pikachu knock-off on Drawn Together. Hell I loved all the characters on Drawn together.
PO-TA-TOES.
I know I’m in the minority, but I didn’t hate the Nashville story. It was better than anything else he’s done the last year.
It was a great talk show interview story, which I guess shows where Rock’s head is at these days. As incentive to buy a wrestling ppv it was pretty bad.
I would like the Rock a lot more if he ever has conversations. All I can remember him doing over the last two years is just giving these long and rambling stories that go nowhere and just try to get him over with 12 year olds. I want him to engage in a conversation and talk with someone, instead I just feel like he’s cornered me at a party and is yelling at me about something funny that probably never actually happened to him.
I went back and watched Rock’s promo again this morning and upon a second view, it was surprisingly hilarious. Not because it was good or even made much sense, but it was so completely surreal that once I started laughing at it I just couldn’t stop.
It was like some weird piece of performance art that just somehow got put on Raw for no real reason.
Word on the “sheetz” are that THEY weren’t really happy with Rock’s promo because they didn’t feel it sold the PPV. I kind of have to agree.
I miss one Raw and things go bonkers bananacakes. Mars changes a man, apparently.
Excellent column as always, Brandon.
+1 to the “Mars changes a man…”
I like the idea that he came back from Mars and blames all the bullshit that went down up there on their lack of whiteness and “Americaness” and doesn’t want to see the same happen back home.
Can we get a Kickstarter going to turn THESTINGER’s idea into a run of comics? Or maybe an FX series? It could be paired with The Americans!
John Carter was a representation of the antibellum south, fought for the confederacy in the war, kills a bunch of dudes on Mars because of their skin color, and knocked up a woman of a different race (and planet) and then left. There’s a bit of a precedent for racism in A Princess of Mars.
I didn’t know spacism was so rampant!
When Man Of 1004 saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more badges to conquer…
Good reads for me!!
I’m a “You People” !!!!!!!
I’m sorry I keep missing everything, I’m in the process of moving etc etc but I’m most upset about missing Cesaro giant swing Miz to death live. I did sadly catch Rocks “promo” and it essentially had my channel change thumb twitching if not for the fact that Punk was going to have to come shine that holy turd Rock laid in the ring. Miss you guys and gals
I am enjoying the Big Show vs ADR feud so much right now because it gives us a true heel vs babyface match-up that the WWE so rarely does properly these days. As much as I can get into a charismatic anti-hero like Austin or Punk, the WWE’s bizarro world of having most of the babyfaces being assholes and the all of heels constantly getting screwed over has become very tiresome.
Because of that, as much as I’m not a fan of racism as a wrestling storyline, I’m willing to give the Swagger/Dutch pairing a chance before complaining. I’d never watch anything on Fox News, but I watch the Daily Show every night to see Jon Stewart make fun of them. Hopefully this angle goes the same way, with babyfaces we can actually cheer for rising up to shut up the racist jerks. I’m not saying I don’t have my doubts about the WWE being able to write the angle well, but I’m hoping they can prove me wrong.
Shared on the Twitter machine. Can’t wait to see what Badge #5 looks like. Although USA Guy and the Mizarks Henry are also great!
Hitting the mute button every time Rock raises the microphone to his lips, without fail, has probably tripled my enjoyment of Raw the last month or so.
I think we can all agree that if WWE wants to avoid a heel Bret Hart in Canada situation with Jack Swagger/Zeb then they need to stay the hell out of Arizona.
This is now the highlight of my Tuesdays.
Also, AJ, Big E, and Ziggy should be known as team EZLee
As in “easily”
I’d enjoy Rock’s appearances 14% more if they’d stop cutting out the bassline after a few bars and let it play while he’s posing on the turnbuckles again.
It’s a small touch, but the bass just has more impact than aimless guitar noodling.
The aimless guitar noodling always sounds like the theme to a 90s Cinemax porno.
Or maybe if he actually did something other than talk in the last 15 min of a show
I’m glad I read this because I didn’t know Dutch Mantel was that character in WWE before now. I just kind of thought they threw Swagger with my racist uncle (or cousin or anyone on the road to my house).
And the Miz being treated like Amish laundry was fantastic. I was entertained by this column and the show it was written about. Thank you once again.
Big E is Meowth… awesome.
Neat column. Your work continues to be enjoyable. I don’t remember who made the joke last night, but I hope you enjoyed your time with the flight simulator, because that was a pretty fun show, overall.
The Swagger thing is going to be a disaster. I don’t like Swagger, so take my bias into consideration, but to paraphrase something someone here once said, (Don’t remember whom, sadly) Vince, and by extension, WWE, is 0-for-history in subtlety, and an ostensible heel who espouses the beliefs of an indeterminate number of WWE fans is a character that requires subtlety.
To me it’s a sign that Jack Swagger isn’t good at being a pro wrestler. If you can’t get a wrestling crowd to react to you by talking about wrestling you don’t deserve to be on a televised wrestling show. Sure you can escalate from that starting point, because nobody wants nothing but generic wrestling promo #1 ad nauseum, but there should be a minimum required competency. When your baseline is “Go back to Mexico, spics” there’s nowhere to go but down.
If only he came back as a god damned Astronaut. It would all be UP UP AND AWAY.
Racist astronaut would of been interesting, even.
Would that make him a spacist? *rimshot*
I might have to retire, that was the best and worst comment I’ve ever made.
The “0-for-history in subtlety” line was me, and it didn’t even occur to me to apply it to this. But yeah, valid concern.
Ah, thanks 85. Tremendous line.
Good lord Cesaro this week. My wife fell asleep during Raw last night as we were watching, and this morning saw me giddily searching for a replay and telling her ‘you have to see this!”. This guy actually makes me want to call up old friends who have quit watching wrestling and tell them they need to watch, because they are MISSING something. I don’t feel like that about wrestling often; I enjoy it, I tolerate it, I hate it forever and watch it the next day anyway. But Cesaro (and Mark Henry now maybe!) makes me feel like I’d regret not watching it.
I was completely not on board with their feud going into Royal Rumble, but these last weeks have been much better, despite Miz having no real reason to fight the guy.
I disagree with those predicting a Jericho/Ziggler WHC match at Mania.I predict a Jericho/Ziggler for no raisin match at Mania. Jericho will lose in the chamber, possibly because of Ziggler interference (he doesn’t have to get into the thing, “hey you wrestler!” always works wonders), and they’ll fight at Mania to have a good match and because they have a beef.
I think WWE is going to keep Alberto as WHC for now and give him somebody to fight at Mania. Maybe Mark Henry with his returning beastliness. Maybe Swagger with his sudden tea party turn, though I feel like that’d be way too soon. Alberto is getting increasingly big reactions from the crowds and, as Brandon continually points out, is having a great feud with Big Show. He might not have been their plan to start with, but I think they’re going to milk this surprisingly successful run for what it’s worth.
Miz went into.a couple “America: Love it or leave it” speeches at the start of the feud, but I don’t think any of them were on Raw, so the flimsy basis for the feud was easy to miss.
But I am with you wholeheartedly on Cesaro. He is Hogan lifting Andre the Giant all over again, except better.
“50 First Dates of pro wrestlers” is my favourite description of D-Bry, ever.
ALL HAIL B’LACTUS, DESTROYER OF WORLDS.
Paired with your icon, that shit is hilarious
Oh, and a missed best during the Mark Henry bit: the fans in Nashville chanting “One more time!” after Hornswoggle was World’s Strongestly Slammed. Way to go Nashville.
“You are Austin Ares in the ring, but Roderick strong on the Mic” is a great way to put it about little tyty
Politically, I’m very progressive, but I absolutely loved the Zeb promo. This has the potential to get tremendous heat, especially working with an over babybface like Del Rio. WWE has had successful dynamics like this before (Slaughter supporting Iraq, Koloff/USSR, and the Iron Shiek/Iran). Yes, it dabbles into current politics, and it makes people feel uncomfortable. However, this is what heel gimmicks ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. Slaughter turned heel when the tensions in Iraq were at its zenith in the early 90s. Koloff’s gimmick occurred during the Cold War when people thought nukes could actually cause global chaos, and the Iron Shiek’s gimmick came off the heels of the Iranian Revolution in 1979, and later, the Iranian hostage crisis. These are legendary characters during very contentious times in global and domestic politics. I’m on board.
Hopefully Zeb doesn’t start a Twitter account where he constantly claims he will “humble” the Hulk Hogan or the Virgil.
Thank you for posting the .gif before the World’s Greatest GIF. After watching the awesomeness of the Cesaro Giant Swing of Death, I forgot how much I loved the way he walked determinedly over to Miz and started rolling his cuffs.
And here I thought my west coast contribution would be lost under a pile of 25,000 comments. I’m having feels, guys, feels.
It was fabulous, made better by how I didn’t get it for a second, until the silhouette thing dawned on me.
I just pictured Ziggler on day 365 with the briefcase, heading down to the ring to cash in on whomever only to have AJ jump on him from out of nowhere and start making out with him. Unable to pry her off, the show goes off the air.
I was hoping for Big Show to come out destroy Albert and Clay form a Big man trio of destruction, but that wouldn’t make sense with the Shield around.
I think we are just weeks away from Brodus and Tensai donning masks and billing themselves as “Funk Machine” and “Soda Machine”.
I would love this so much. I would cheer my ass off for a wrestler named Soda Machine.
That is brilliant. Plus, it leaves all kinds of potential for soft drink sponsorships.
Although it would ruin my fantasy booking idea of Jeff Hardy’s WWE comeback as “Coke Machine”.
Glad he’s in TNA hated his run as World Champ, but his feud with Punk as strong.
Poor, Jeff Hardy. If only face point could cover up drug addiction.
They should just let Cesaro do commentary more often, then get up at the end of match he disapproves of and just destroys people. I’d watch that a couple of times a night.
Also, side note: nice shirt, Antonio.
We all thought it was arrogance at the time he said it, but Wade Barrett really can beat Kofi 99 times out of 100
I was surprised Kane got into the Chamber over DZ. Kane has no chance but Dolph could have been interesting. He could win the Chamber, lose at Wrestlemania, follow that with a Big E beatdown and then cash in with a “second chance”.
I didn’t dislike the Shield’s promo as much as you did, but there seems to be a real disconnect between the members, perhaps due to lack of rehearsal. All of their mic work feels like thee improv actors up on the stage, and the audience has just called out “Justice” and “John Cena.” Rollins and Ambrose are dancing around each other, on the same page in their riffing, but they just can’t quite put together a cohesive promo.
Holy shit, “Make it double.”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand people got really quiet at work when I cackled at the Photoshop of DZ/AJ/E. That is spectacular work, I regret nothing.
FINALLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOT ALL THE 20 BADGES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS THE BEST MOMENT OF MY MONTH (not really but still) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FEEL LIKE I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
as you stand on the second rope holding Kate Winslet to a screaming arena
HI BRANDON STROUD SIR. Do love your work. Mainly joined Uproxx so I could comment and stuff here.
I must admit I was a little bit concerned about your potential reaction to Jack Swagger and Racist Uncle Zeb after seeing that part of the show, but it’s nice to see that you’re cool with it as long as it’s a bad guy thing. I’m no fan of racism or exploiting racist stuff, but wrestling has a tendency to play to racism and racial stereotypes and has since I started watching it back in 1983. So why not use it to garner a little heel heat?
Keep up the good work Sir Stroud.
Which is more offensive, Zeb Coulter from Raw or Zeb Zoober from Country Bears?
Zeb Zoober. Dutch Mantel has NEVER been offensive.
I freely admit that I don’t watch the shows live. No cable, no desire to don my eyepatch and find a stream online, no worries. B&W catches me up.
Normally, I just read through and check out the .gifs, rarely watching the videos.
Cesaro’s .gif had me intrigued.
I watched that video 3 times, cackling each time.
I haven’t felt like that since the late 90s. I heart this guy.
Wow. Going back through and reading some of the posts here, I’m amazed that certain characters in a wrestling show can provoke such extreme reactions in the realm of political discourse, what appears to be outright hatred in some respects, and curmudgeonly bickering.
Yay ‘MURIKA, as a certain friend of mine would say.
I’m an attorney by trade, and the thing that appeals the most to me about wrestling is that at its heart it’s the theatre of the absurd in its finest form. It can range from comedy (see Colt Cabana and Team Hell No) to outright schlock (I think of a certain fat man in spandex dancing with dinosaur hands) but at the end of the day it’s meant to be–or has become–mindless entertainment for the masses.
We live in a world where political divisiveness is splitting this country apart. There is no civility in discourse of just about any nature. The moment someone mentions a hot-button topic, the words “Teabilly,” “Teabagger,” “Teatard,” “Teapublican,” and so on get thrown around with a general attitude of “SCREW YOU I’M RIGHT AND I’M UNWILLING TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY.” I get it so often from other sources that I turn to places like With Leather because–up until the discussion of Zeb Cutler and Jack Thwagger–I found comedy and humor in an otherwise dreary, hate-filled world.
I think all the points have been made that need to be made. I think we need to get past politics, past hatred, past the idea of being jerks for the sake of being jerks, and just talk about how cool it is to see Cesaro ping pong Miz around, how Punk and Heyman are awesome, deride Mizark for his “THAT’S WHAT I DO” and so on. We’re all here for WRESTLING, and wrestling is great for its escapist value.
As Frank said in “God Bless America,” “What’s the point in civilization if we’re no longer interested in being civil?”
But I digress. End rant, all that. Much love to everyone, and have a great day.
HOW DO SHIELD GET LITES OWT AND TRIPUL POWRBOMB
I’m going to get a kick out of seeing more negative reaction and defensiveness toward the “white conservative” stereotype than toward the past 30 years of the WWE shitting on minorities.
Sorry for being late, can’t remember how many times I literally laughed-out-loud. Thanks Brandon.