Best: Tara’s Entrance
There’s something really endearing about Tara wearing Jessie’s shirt to the ring. I like that she’s cognizant of the fact that she is still in-character, and there is a storyline that she’s trying to stay within. She’s held multiple titles in her career, and is arguably one of the best wrestlers the Knockouts division has, but she’s come to rely on having her special man friend around to encourage her, and okay, yeah, probably interfere and cheat a little. It’s sweet. And either way, it’s a whole lot better than…
Worst: Janustat, the Dual-Stinkfaced God
Frontsies stinkface, backsies stinkface…Jesus Christ Tessmacher I cannot keep making jokes about your junk thrush. It’s gross and makes me use words like “junk thrush.”
Worst: There was no Joseph Park on this episode, so let’s
Best: Watch him get the W over Robbie E
HE’S JUST SO HAPPY. HE IS THE HAPPIEST IMPACT WRESTLER TO IMPACTFULLY WRESTLE ON IMPACT.
Best: Oh thank god, it’s the Robbies
At this point, Rockstar Spud has been speaking for less than a minute and I’m already praying for an interruption. Thankfully it’s our favourite gentlemen in matching garments. That’s right! You hold him back, El GigantRob!
But…but wait…what are you doing…
No, wait, what are you….
You can’t…..
Worst: WHAT IS HAPPENING
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Wait did you guys just Edge?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOO
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Good point, Adam Henrique does have a minuscule head.
I KNOW. A lot of the Devil’s headshots are weird and oddly small, but his is SO TINY.
He makes up for it in HUGE goals, and also that hockey stick in his pants aint too bad ;-)
Jacob Josefson has a peanut-head too! [a.espncdn.com]
So many questions about that last comment. Like……. so many.
I think there’s only really one, and that one is “are you talking about his penis?”
What about “Did you voluntarily look at his penis?” or “Does it have more of a middle, mid-heel or heel curve?”
well, this is certainly an intriguing turn of events in the comments.
In Henrique’s defence, he was cursed by an NHL Open Ice warlock.
At least we know he’s not doing steroids.
“This is literally the Marc Blucas of episodes.”
This could have been the entire thing, and I would still love you forever.
Ditto’d!
I tuned in about thirty minutes in (thank you so much Community), saw MechaShiva win the belts, then gave up on the show. It was just awful. Grande Papi on the other hand was hilarious.
As for wrestling valentines things… “You’re on THE LIST in my heart, bro”.
Man, thinking up TNA valentines is hard.
All I’ve got for TNA Valentine’s is “You’re the APPLETINI of my eye”.
Ooo, I might steal that.
On the bright side, burrito.
That Taco Bell commercial is the worst.
I couldn’t actually tell you a thing about what happens. He has a baby, and I assume it’s Biggie Smalls’ child, and also burritos?
That song made me want to never translate stuff to spanish, ever! And I translate regularly sooo, no bueno…and I’m pretty sure I like burritos less now. :( Thanks a lot, Taco Bell! Just another reason why I hate you!
Bring on the Junior Mafia Tacotime ads!
Still better than GoCompare/WeBuyAnyCar/Any betting website ad.
I can’t help but think that dad dropped Cantina Steak Burrito all over his kid’s head.
Diamante Danielle – you should know that presence of a burrito just leads to Creepy Burrito Stares.
I’ll admit it. I creepily stared.
*looks ashamed*
At least you weren’t in an airport making your intentions towards my tofu burrito very clear.
Trust us, we appreciate what you did write about this episode.
I’ve been watching Impact as admittedly a hate exercise (and in hopes that maybe it’ll be better than current WWE) and the sum product is never good. And I think it might be because I don’t want to see around 70 percent of the active roster.
Seriously, who watches this show and why do they? Would there be an extreme loss in viewers if Dixie got bright and cut the contracts of Hogan, Sting, RVD, anybody Bischoff, anybody Brisco, almost everyone from A&8s (or just repackage them after some time in OVW) and more? It would certainly save a ton of money!
Random, but Hemme would be the worst ring announcer out there if it wasn’t for Summer Rae in NXT and Tenay/Tazz should never be announcers again. I really don’t see how you salvage this mess.
With a lot of burritos and whining.
let’s try to look at the bright sides a little … if you develop the ability to mute the announce team sound without muting it for real .. and the ability to forget about the hogan/sting/bischoffs/briscoes/rvd/aces & 8′s after the shows and just remember the other good stuff .. you’ll enjoy the show really so much !
those abilities are also known as the MARKS AND SMARKS abilities …
I honestly had to mute the show during the tag team championship match because Taz’s terrible commentary was making me furious.
Frahhhhhhhhhhhhh I really really really really did not like this episode, Sam I Am. What bummed me out the most other than the lack of JOOOOOOOOOOSEPH PAAAAAAAAAAAARK and Daniels and Kaz was that women’s match. Jesus Jumping Christ, I’ve spent the last week watching JoshiMania and other women’s matches and NOT ONCE did Aja Kong feel it necessary to imply she has to defeat her opponenets through the power of the Blue Waffle (do NOT GOOGLE THAT EVER AT ALL JUST DO NOT). It’s just so… icky and distasteful.
See also, creepy Hawk Hogan was especially creepy – you know, moreso than when he posted a picture of his daughter’s legs … okay no not that creepy but still pretty freaking creepy, I have no idea what Brischoff just said, I think I hate Taz, and why am I even watching OH HEY AUSTIN ARIES AND BOBBY ROODE, RIGHT.
In short, thank you for struggling through this. Have all the burritos you want.
I already knew what it was, and didn’t have to google :(
However, if Aja Kong feels it necessary to use that as her finish, you fucking let her use that as her finisher!
DID SAMOJO SHOW UP?! I NEED TO KNOW BECAUSE OF REASONS
Dear Diary,
Didn’t wanna go to stupid England no ways.
Don’t think he did. I was more or less Googling the beejeepers out of five star Mayumi Ozaki matches and contemplating taking up drinking by the end of the first thirty minutes though.
Also I can’t spell. And what is Aces and Eights motivation, do we even goshdarn know?
When I found out Hardy was keeping the title and they were taping a month of shows I checked out. Stupid TNA, they fooled me again into watching and then DID EVERYTHING WRONG. The neutering of Bully Ray was my last straw. I watched the wedding episode to see his heal turn because TNA couldn’t be stupid enough to take their biggest badass and stick an albatross like Brooke Hogan around his neck, and yet they did it anyway. Be careful in loving Joesph Park too much Danielle, they’ll just end up making him the newest member of Aces and Eights.
Also Hawk Hogan is now my favorite Pokémon… sorry Togepi… no I didn’t mean it, I still love you… YOU ARE SO KAWAII!
he’s right behind Raichu in my book! :)
do we +1 the comments in the IMPACT reviews ?! danielle should start choosing and showing the top 11 comments already (11 because TNA DOESN’T COPY AND PASTE FROM WWE … and because IMPACT is usually very eligible to be made fun of that raw)
PSYDUCK IS SO SAD RIGHT NOW.
No, wait, he’s just panicking. Because he’s Psyduck. Ohhhh, silly Psyduck.
BEEDRILL OR GTFO.
I kid. But not really.
Hawk Hogan and Hollywood Hawk Hogan were worth the read.
I’m writing this before I even start reading the review that I was waiting for and refreshing the page every 10 minutes all day long !
p.s. you GOTTA check out the latest jbl and cole show (episode 11) NOW !!! it got sandow making me litterly laugh my ass off until I pissed myself while rolling on the ground ! I think I broke my laughing muscle while doing so too … I don’t know .. I’ll see you after reading the next pages !
JBL and Cole Show is the best! The Dazzler’s magic, Hornswoggle’s can trick, Yoshi Tatsu playing guitar!!!!!! I love that show, except Chimmel vs Ryder…that was just terrible.
I am just throwing this out there, but to me TNA should move some of the older guys into manager roles. That way you can have them still come out and still have those ‘this business’ speeches but the matches themselves can be fast uptempo and exciting with new guys and gals. Even keep Aces and Eights and let them be the losers who were left behind by the old guard managers. This creates an easy dynamic and so when Aces and Eights jumps in a match it comes from a terrible angry place because they were left behind and not being promoted by the TNA old guard managers.
See but that makes sense. I bet Hogan just beats Lagana with a pipe every time he brings up logic in the writers meetings.
I read that as “Hogan just beats lasagna” and strange thoughts entered my head.
Pastamania II
Pastamania II: Leather Thermos Boogaloo
Oh we can’t get badges on Denielle’s posts? Fuck this I’m out.
Take it up with Brandon!
Sorry for spelling your name wrong. I am a monster.
You can AOL IM Robbie E at RobEckos1@AOL.com but it’s only if you still live in 1998
just finished the 2nd page … and the first paragraph made me dissappointed at myself and at my friends and all the TNA wrestling forums on the web that I go to them all for thinking that this episode was awesome and great and entertaining and … nah, whatever .. what danielle says is the most important thing to me .. and if she says it was bad, then let’s see why she said so …
after reading the next 2 paragraphs I laughed a lot and understood a little of why she thinks so …
I was at this show, but have not yet seen how they’ve destroyed it for TV. My Best of the entire weekend was both Brisco and Bischoff Jrs getting their whiny-ass promos drowned out by “You can’t wrestle!” and “Who are ya?” chants so I will be sad if you can’t hear them on the show.
Also, Samoa Joe was on the Manchester show but can’t remember if it was the first or second taping and can’t remember what happened on last week’s episode.
Aw, that’s a shame. I couldn’t hear them at all! And those are way nicer than things I would be yelling at them.
now I know why you worsted those segments and why I disagreed with you, danielle!
I liked them mostly because of those chants … actully, only because of those chants ! the U.K. crowd is my favourite :D
Oh SRSLY? Oh TNA. You suck. It was so funny cos Luke Gallows and Mike Knox looked LIVID as their new cohorts were mocked roundly.
See, people, THIS is what comes of allowing Tazz to dub commentary on after a show is filmed.
it was very clear ! I don’t know why some people didn’t hear it !!
I was wondering what they were chanting – I knew it had to be something like that.
The “you can’t wrestle” during Wes Briscoe’s promo was quite audible, and fitting.
the 3rd page is done (I’m sorry if I’m bothering you guys by commenting a lot about not agreeing with this FREAKIN’ AWESOME COLUMN !!!) …
again, I laughed so much ! I think you, girl, are the funniest woman (or human at all !) in ALLLLLLL of the wrestling fans universe (or any other universe for that matter too) !!
but I really really (REALLY) liked the X-division match ! espicially with the finish !
I also didn’t hate wes brisco and garret bischoff all that much on the mic … just a little …
before I continue reading and go into the 4th page .. I think I figured out why danielle is so mad! and I can’t believe that I didn’t notice it before (I guess that was because I’m the only one here that liked the show that much) …
WHERE THE F*CK WAS JOSEPH PARK AND BAD INFLUENCE, TNA ?!?!?!
I feel a little better about where this is going after finishing the 4th page .. you know, we’re gonna get ourselves a BIG BEST for the BIG TITLES WIN from this show !
page 5:-
best: (yeah, you have the right to not talk about storm because why would you) or worst : (BUT I LIKED STORM IN HIS SQUASH MATCH THERE !
really one of the worst: you hated that gutcheck between the guys that maybe YOU didn’t know but a lot of us did and were so excited for .. and now you hate the british boot camp that millions watched and enjoyed so much ! and you think that TNA spoiled it by telling us who won 3 WEEKS AFTER HE WON ! and you hate the guy even though you’re giving me the impression that you saw nothing of him while he was very freaking awesome as a heel but they had to turn him face because they’re in manchester ! (fewh, that was a long worst) … I might start hating you after that danielle !
BEST: that picture at the end: NOPE! not in a million years I’ll hate or even like you less than before !
Jesus, dude, Jesus.
I’m sorry, again, for being a mark … YOU SHOULD BAN ME FROM COMMENTING BEFORE THE WORST HAPPENS !!!
Very Secretest Four Star Diary of Samoa Joe, Day 2796:
Still not Champion. Fuck this shit man. Next time I’m gonna pull some bullshit about not being allowed to leave the country so I can stay home with Lil Joe and go to the fucking Sizzler or something. Why didn’t we just dress up some douche in paint and tell everyone he was Hardy? No one would fucking know. Ugh. Now we’re going on the road and shit? Where the fuck is the Sears Center? Nice try Dixie, that shit ain’t even close to being in Chicago. Tried to tweet Punk about it and he just laughed at me. You just wait man… I’m gonna sneak in his apartment next month and shit in his shoe or something…
Stupid Punk, Stupid Dixie, Stupid Impact.
Oh my god, I love you.
My secret is that the VSFSDoSJ is way more important to me than JSoM ever was.
P.S. Rockstar Spud sounds like a shitty side dish at Applebees. -SAMOJO
@BookSavvy – Or a prototype energy drank flavor!
DID SOMEONE SAY “ENERGY DRANK”!?
you really should just copy this, edit the review and paste this in it somewhere, danielle !
ENERGY DRANK!!!!!!
Real talk: I had to dip into the world of energy dranks since Baby Alex has come along, you know, ’cause sleepless nights. There’s this Monster energy drank in a white can, its pretty tasty.
I enjoy Monsters brand Rehabilitation Canned Beverages to invigorate me when necessary.
+1
Oh man, this is awesome!
It’s a total double standard to have columns that speak in length about the mistreatment of women in the wrestling world and then make jokes about tops and bottoms between two on screen friends.
I’m glad they are leaving the Impact Zone. The crowd just always seems so stale and just “used to” everything that happens week in and week out.
That being said, I’m still terrified that they are going to screw everything up when they hit the road.
So terrified yet hopeful, I guess sums it up?
excited and nervious .. I know that feeling bro …
6th page is done … and I got one thing to say about it .. CALLED IT BEFORE EVEN SEEING IT ! YOU HATED THIS EPISODE MOSTLY BECAUSE THERE WAS NO JOSEPH PARK !! and you absoloutly have all the rights to do so !
the rest I agree on with you completely ! they took the thing that made rockstar spud win that show from him there and it made us all want an interruption ! they took his ATTITUDE~ !
DANIELLE!
PUT YO’ CHRISTMAS TREE AWAY!
IT’S THE 8TH DAY OF FEBRUARY, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! >:(
I know. Last year I took it down in…um…a month that is not important.
I JUST LIKE SPARKLE LIGHTS, OKAY?
IT IS NOW A LOUIS RIEL DAY TREE, HAPPY MANITOBA!
OH MAN! Forget all my yell typing, you will now decorate the tree w/Valentine’s Day stuff!
Matt made me take ours down too last week :(
why can’t I think of something creative, funny and enjoyable like this instead of writing 10 mark comments after every IMPACT review ?!
Louis Riel Day is very important to us Manitobans, LobMob. Chris Jericho reenacts the entire Riel trial and caters a full buffalo bbq buffet.
My fake tree is about a foot and a half tall, so we just leave it up year round. It’s Christmas every day at my place!
Are there tasty Manitoban cakes?
yeah, I agree with you that they’re giving the people what they THINK they want to see … but isn’t that something that works with everyone but you guys here (and I said YOU because it actully worked with me and I was marking out crazy all episode long !)
but I totally disagree with you on the new crowd being worse than the IMPACT ZONE’S fixed one ! you don’t want another “you still got it~”, chant do you ?! you want A LOT of people chanting “AUSTIN ARIES !!!” at the top of their lungs and booing los steriotepicos (chavo and hernandez), don’t you ?! you want people to be TALKING about TNA and even wwe to start going into panic mode and booking middle-sized arenas all over the country to prevent TNA from going bigger because IT IS GOING BIGGER, don’t you ?! well then why do you insist on making me FREAKING HAPPY and FREAKING SAD by the end of every review you write ?!!!
Man I want a burrito now. Thank you for that, Danielle. I’ll get one and send you the pic later, K?
Oooo, yes please!
I’m detecting the presence of a burrito fetish.
[twitter.com]
I watched this episode on the DVR in like 15 minutes last night. I feel like I should have skipped more.
Thank you for watching TNA, so I don’t have to.
/salutes
Should I go to the HISTORIC FIRST IMPACT TOUR DATE IN CHICAGO THAT IS EVEN LESS IN CHICAGO THAN THE ALLSTATE? Hoffman Estates is only an hour away but I don’t know…
why does hoffman estates sound familiar.
you should go, by the way.
oh, that’s right, fedor emelianenko punched out professional sam’s club tire changer and owner of a burned-down porch, brett “the grim” rogers there.
yes, do go to CHICAGO IMPACT LIVE FROM NOT QUITE BY SORTA ALMOST CHICAGO!
MattSavvy and I could go for $42 plus parking… I’ll have to see if he thinks he can stomach it ;)
WRESTLES. (I would like a report from my BFF DrunkMattSavvy)
Wait for MattSavvy, (wait..”MattSavvy”, is he knowledgeable in all things “Matt” related? Is that your combined couple name?), to mess up on something and then bust out the tix as a punishment for his wrong doing.
I just assumed it was a last name, like the Savvy in BookSavvy. Well, a Weird Internet Family last name.
There had better be a mailbox with “The Savvy’s” written on it. In cursive.
Well now there’s a new most important thing in my life.
I’m going to mess with the mail carrier SO HARD tomorrow….
Well, he was MrSavvy but someone said MattSavvy once so I use both. He is, in fact, savvy in all things Matt and probably most things. I’m not ashamed to admit that he is smarter than me. But I have more friends so there ;)
BTW. He totally knows I tell you all the funny things he says/does and now if I pull out my phone too quickly after one of the previously mentions things he totally knows I’m telling my WeirdInternetFamily about it.
I hope you go! If you write something I’ll totally put it in!
I hope you ladies can do a better job than us guys. My Best and Worst of RAW is still floating in space somewhere. Thanks a a lot, Brandon! LOL #TheLostBestAndWorst #IKnowThisAintTwitterWannaFightAboutIt?
That is if Savvy decides to write something up, of course.
I have nothing to add to this thread other then that I do not like Hoffman Estates. Enjoy the show if you go but spend all residual time in Chicago please.
But could MattSavvy take Matt Classic in a catch-as-catch-can match?
“I’m sure it was a real kick to be there live, and see Bully Ray wrestle his brother and put him through a table and point out that he doesn’t need him anymore because he’s got Sting now to wrangle his opponent’s legs like he’s trying to change the diaper on an orangutan”
That made me laugh so hard that I think my laugh organ stopped working…should I go see a Dr.? :( Tears still work!
Go see Dr. Chuckleman immediately! He’s the premiere laugh-ologist in the WORLD
Hope he can help, nothing other than “Sting trying to change the diaper on an orangutan” seems to make me laugh now!
For some reason (probably this exact reason), TNA cut that part out of the YouTube version of the match. It was…just like I described it.
So that Spike Dudley costume you rocked had a little bit of a Garth vibe to me. Probably because Spike Dudley totally had a Garth vibe. But yeah, it all made the fantastic “pralines and dick” comment that much more better.
As someone who basically dresses like Garth….a lot…I’ve always avoided dressing as him for Halloween because it’s way too easy.
But know that my formative years were heavily influenced by Wayne’s World. Dreamweaver came on in the store that I work at and I hid out in the clearance section so I could sing along as loudly as I wanted.
I laughed when Devon said they have an ace up their sleeve. Most of them don’t wear sleeves! I’m sure the guy that wears the long sleeves is hiding his tattoos so we don’t know who he is.
I have not read any spoilers as to who the masked men might be so forgive me if it is commen knowledge.
Ha! I almost worsted that, because he said “under our sleeves,” but it amused me too much and I let it go.
And it’s all good! The two most obvious were already unmasked, and the rest is speculation based on it also being really obvious. If you have an idea as to who they are, it’s probably them.
*common
I gots to know, who is on your fantasy hockey team?
Which one?
I just realized that you were checking ALL of your hockey teams. So, lets say, who do you have on your most important fantasy hockey team?
I’m starting to think Withleather should have a fantasy hockey league. Perhaps this can be done for the 2013-2014 season.
Glad you gave Tara a “Best.” She is a legitimate in-ring performer, and one of the only reasons to watch….oh yeah, burritos are awesome, that is all…
Mad props for the Blue Peter subreference. One of my fave 80′s bands. Saw them play a cafeteria at university. thanks for the flashback Danielle!
YEAH!
I am so happy someone else knows who they are.
3 things:
1) He’s still loveable and great, but he’s still Rick Foley.
2) Danielle has officially outed herself as Jem, and I can’t wait for The Holograms new tour.
3) Those Lollipop Kids, or whatever those twins are called, make me feel like dirty old man. Dig their pink union jack tights though.
Billy Corgan’s wrestling company put on a match where people are supposed to cheer a woman named D’Arcy getting beaten? I’m only surprised that her partner wasn’t called James Iha and they were both squashed by Team Billy, whose members are named Talent and Greatness.
Oh my god, how do I hug this comment?
Awww, I like later Pumpkins stuff.
on a side note, that “Who Was That Masked Man? A case against letting curiosity kill kayfabe” article was very well written and one of the best things I’ve read all week ! I totally agree with you on all that !
because I’m getting the feeling that I’m the most boring and fun killing guy here every week, I’ve decided to fight the arge to comment on your articles by anything other than funny stuff if I can think of some ! or else, I won’t be commenting !
after all, this is a comedy wrestling blog ! and we all come here to have a little laugh and escape from the reality by reading awesome stuff written by such entertaining people like you ! and I shouldn’t have took it seriously in the first place !!
this way, I won’t make myself or any of you guys sad again …
you must be a genious to have the ability to turn my look at life 180 degrees like that ! thanks for starting my turn into a better wrestling fan !
all the LOVE~ in the world for you guys ! keep it coming !! best wrestling pals and gals everrrrrrr !!!!!
They need to make the Blossom Twins shirt (in pink) available in the US TNA shop. I want so hard.
is it not available there ?!
Unfortunately, no. All they have Stateside is the red version. Holding out for them to release the pink version this side of “The Pond,” but I have a feeling I’m gonna just break down and pay extra shipping or something to get it from their Eurostore.
I just love the design and am a fan of pink (but not in that ironic way).
I liked the rockstar shirt ! I hoped he’d be better in his debut … probably it’s just because they turned him face because of where they were … I hope next week with the blossoms and marty teaming together against tara and jesse along with gail kim for an actuall debut match it will be better !
hopefully…
and as far as breaking down and buying it anyway, it turns out that between currency conversion and international shipping I’d have to pay almost (USD)$50… I like the shirt, but maybe not that much…. sent their cust service a request though and posted a comment on their product page so (crosses fingers and throws coin in fountain).
Jebediah Park – Merry Prankster – Part 1
Jebediah and I, Ebenezer Farkas Gilkenstodder, we was mostly of a respectful and obedient nature, but we liked to have us a bit of fun too. And let me tells ya, when you be fourteen and fifteen years young, some of dem ideas of fun turn out to be less than brilliant. Well, let me tells ya about one of the pranks we done gone through with.
Helmut Helmeier was the town cobbler in East Squirrelville, you know, one of dem fellas that done fixed up yer walkin’ boots. Well, Helmut was a fair man and quite the craftsman to boot, but he was well known across Wahacheetalle County for havin’ a mighty temper. Why, he done gave Jeb quite the tongue lashin’ one day for smashin’ up his fence when we was playin’ barrel racin’. You see Helmut done lived near the bottom of Brugan’s Hill, and ol’ Jeb and I liked to get up to the top of dat dere hill, git in a barrel, and come rollin’ on down. Why, many a time I’d get so sick and dizzy from rollin’ in one of dem barrels, why I’d spill my lunch all over the place. Still say ’twas worth it, though. Well, wouldn’t ya know it, one time when Jeb was barrel rollin’ down the hill, he done hit a rock and went off course and rolled right into Helmut’s fance, breakin’ both the barrel and the fence into tiny little pieces.
When he heard the racket, ol’ Helmut done run outside to see what had happened. There was Jeb, lyin’ in the grass, all dizzy and unawares, with broken wood strewn all about. I done seen the whole thing from up the top of dat dere hill, all peekin’ ’round a tree, hidin’ like. I tells ya, ol’ Helmut couldn’t believe what he done seen. He looked back and forth about all the broken wood, then at Jeb, who was tryin’ to get to his feet, all stumblin’ like, then back at the wood. For a few seconds it was quiet, all eerie like, then ol’ Helmut done blowed his top. He started into hootin’ and hollerin’ and spewin’ all manner of foul language. Why, I done forbade myself from repeatin’ many of the the profanities he done used, on account of not wantin’ to soil the minds of yous fine readers, but I done did get a chuckle when he done called Jeb a “plum faced barrel demon”.
After he done come to his senses, Jeb had to clean up the whole mess, then worked the whole of the next week fixin’ up Helmut’s fence, paintin’ it, and cuttin’ all of Helmut’s lawn, round his house. Lookin’ back at it, was only right dat Jeb done fixed what he done smashed up, but in the process he done missed out on the Wahacheetalle Barrel Rollin’ Championships he done been train’ for all dat time. What’s worse, Gertrude Lewinton was at dat dere championships, all spectatin’ like, and I know Jeb had his eye on her and was fixin’ to impress her by winnin’ the prestigious Wahacheetalle Barrel Rollin’ Cup.
Well, Jeb made a promise to me and to himself. He was goin’ to prank ol’ Helmut and get back at him, on account of havin’ to miss out on the Championships. He was goin’ to prank him but good.
to be continued…
I’m going to be dreaming about rollin’ in one of dem barrels for the rest of my life … I wish I can be a kid again :’(
also, thank you good ol’ Ebenezer Farkas Gilkenstodder for not saying fool words… I’ve had more than enough of them today …
and I need to know who does Gertrude Lewinton look like if ya will please !
can’t wait for part 2 :D
I’m really glad that no matter how shitty Impact is, I now have these to look forward to. Thanks, UCL!
Is it weird that in real life I now find myself slipping into Ebenezer/Jebediah-speak? Should I be worried or is this a natural mutation?
This was probably the worst episode of Impact Wrestling in about 3 or 4 months. Outside of Aries & Roode winning the tag belts, there was practically nothing to like. This break’s TNA’s streak of 3 really good TV shows & a PPV in a row. The good news is, it can’t possibly be any wore next week, right?
On a side note, I don’t mind Tessmacher doing the ass shake at some point during her matches, it’s really not different than what Rick Rude did during his matches, however once during a 4 or 5 minute match is plenty. She doesn’t need to be pigeon holing it into every one of her moves.
I guess I’m really the only one that just tried to enjoy the show and forget himself in the wierd world of TNA that we all love in the end … I think I’m really the only one who liked most of the show …
I personally think TNA has been pretty good as of late, and the most consistent, both in terms of week to week show quality, and keeping storylines going in a somewhat logical manner, it has been since… maybe as far back as 2006. But this week was just really hard to like. Aries & Roode winning the titles made me just about cream my pants, and Tara always makes me smile, on account of her being awesome and my second favorite ex-diva ever, but the rest of the show was pretty painful to watch. If you liked the show, then more power to you. I would have loved to enjoy it. Even if everybody else doesn’t like something, don’t let it stop you from enjoying it. If you have a good time, that’s all that matters, everybody else can sh*t on it, don’t let that stop you from enjoying it. I enjoy certain people regularly shat on by others here, like Zema “Goku” Ion, Christian York, and Jessie Godderz. If others hate them, so be it. I just couldn’t get into this week’s show, though. Maybe it was the contrast from last week, which was so completely awesome.
Anyway, I still think TNA is doing well and on the right track. One bad show mixed in with 3 really good ones, and several moths of, for the most part, good, entertaining shows. That works for me.
zema “goku” ion is one of my favourites in the world ! just if he would do the move justin gabrial does when he first enters through the curtin … like he’s about to fly in hyper speed !
christian york is someone I like because he’s fresh and has a unique move-set .. and because anything that will put the X-division on my tv and give it time makes me happy !
jesse godderz got the looks, seems to have the perfect storyline for him now and also is very good in the ring compared to his size ! his dropkick, his enzigury and his abdominal stretch .. along with his poses, taunts and shouting inside the ring makes him one of my favourite weekly features !
I really feel so encouraged by your reply ! I was about to quit on a lot of what makes me a fan because of everyone else here (because everyone here aren’t like anyone from any other site ! here, people are always right for me !! because they’re funny, creative and are long life wrestling fans !!!)
and I agree with you … probably the show just was way less awesome than last week, which was completely freakin’ awesome for me !!! probably the fact that there wasn’t any joseph park or bad influence made it much less great !! but next week is gonna be better as I always hope and pray !
themosayat, I’m with you on most of your points but I still didn’t like the show as a whole. I like Zema Ion and Kenny King, I think Jesse is pretty hilarious right now, Tara almost never has a bad match, A double and Roode winning the titles was great and I even liked seeing Devon and Bully Ray go at it but for whatever reason I felt every match was flat. Maybe it was the crowd maybe it was just my mood, maybe it was the order in how everything was booked. Last time they were in England I remember really liking the shows but this one just didn’t work for me. I don’t think it was the worst Impact in the last few months but it might have been the most “meh”
I think “Junk Thrush” is a great valentine pun; even though, it isn’t.
Okay, so I read the article, read the comments… I think I’m going to go make myself a cup of tea and try to remember why I love watching pro wrestling…
Oh man…I totally forgot I’d never see the Impact Zone Redhead, whom I have affectionately named “Carly” again…..