Hello hello hello! Welcome back to the Best & Worst of TNA Impact, alternately known as “Jesus Christ, are we still in the UK?” A few things before we get to the (thankfully) final installment under the monarchy.
- I went to 2CW’s Niagara Falls show last week, and this is a thing that happened! For those of you who regularly read this column, you’ll know that this is pretty much one of the best things that could ever happen, and it’s a miracle I am writing this week because my heart almost burst from sheer joy. As an aside, please note that I am 5’2 ¾”, and he is officially listed at a cool Danny Briere 5’9. Mmhmm. Okay Spikey.
- While I was hanging out in a wrestling ring with Spike Dudley and fangirling over Jojo Bravo at a merch table with the effervescent Rachel Summerlyn, Brandon got to go to Elimination Chamber and a WWE press conference. He did a TOTALLY CONTROVERSIAL podcast about these experiences that you should listen to here. He also got to meet Big Show and Mark Henry, and had I not done the aforementioned, I would probably ragequit the internet from blind jealousy. You can listen to his fun and less divisive podcast about that here. Chris Trew is involved, and hey, we all love that guy (we should all love that guy).
- Twitter is a nifty little thing, and if you think so too, you should absolutely follow me here. With Leather is good times and occasionally posts about cats on treadmills (the best kinds of posts), so follow them here, and our UPROXX mothership here. Like us on Facebook, rock the tumblr, and share (or whatever the verb is) on Reddit, too. We like shares and follows and likes and such, so do it as much as you can! You can even use buzzwords and get proactive and in your face about it!
- Shout-out to Wrestling Bro Prime Casey for the GIFs.
This week on Impact: A title changes hands, Joseph Park flies, and after some serious consideration, a #1 contender is picked for the World Heavyweight Championship. Onwards and upwards, my friends!
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“UGGGGH LIBYA STILL MAKES HIM SO MAD”
I cracked up so hard on that I may have broken all the blood vessels in my face.
I will make that joke forever, because it will never not be funny to me.
It’s an awesome joke that I will never not enjoy. Also I hope the Tournament of Hearts bought zing insurance, cuz they got RING-A-DING-ZINGED!
(Full disclosure: I did not take the 2010 Jennifer Jones/Cathy Overton-Clapham breakup particularly well.)
HELP I RAN OUT OF RING KA KING JOKES
Maybe Barood is in Aces and Eights? Shit, I’m just mailing it in these days.
Speculation is totally divisive for the Mumbai cats. Leopard thinks Barood would be purrrrfect for the job, but Puma disagrees!
It is hard to see to comment on this awesome report because I have not taken off my speculatin’ spectacles and they are not so good for regular sight.
I’ve always thought the “Higher Power” was Bischoff. The entire thing seems right up his alley and seems to be an Immortal reset button after Jeff Hardy screwed the pooch a while back.
In fact, I’m expecting the reset button so much that I wouldn’t be shocked if Hulk and/or Bully are in on it too. When Immortal was revealed, it was during a PPV title match with a heel turn swerve in Hardy and Hulk/Eric where in on it the whole time.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Lockdown sees the return of heel Bully (after all there was that strange moment in which Brooke got on to Bully for not wearing a wedding ring and acting like this was a thing that happens a lot) and we find out he was in on the Aces & Eights the whole time.
Heel Bully is the only thing that wouldn’t make me go “not this again”. I mean how many times can you have Hogan or Bischoff or Jarrett be the leader of your super crappy, ex WWE guys, faction.
I believe 4 things:
- Danielle’s hate for Velvet Sky saddens me. She’s definitely to the worst, and she seems a bit TOO jumpy at times, but eesh. Aren’t they all?
- Danielle’s love for TNA makes me think Danielle can make a car crash sound like a fun time.
- Every time I read ‘ Tournament of Farts”, an angel gets his/her/it’s wings.
- The Higher Power is Jack Swagger. Because BYYYEeeeeeeeee.
One time I hung up on my grandfather because the Higher Power was being revealed on Raw and I didn’t want to miss it.
YOU WERE THE HIGHER POWER?! HOLY SH-
hey remember that time they promoted TNA superstar King Mo Lawal fighting on Bellator after the show, and then yeah, he got knocked the f out? good times!
really ?! BIG LOLZ XD
it was greaaaaaat
LMFAO XD
thanks mr.lobster ! that gave me the chuckle of the day !
Can someone please teach Taryn how to make a proper referee three count? It’s hard to describe but it’s even worse than Brad Armstrongs and he apparently can only lift his mat-slapping arm two inches above the canvas.
LEGITIMATE QUESTION… Taryn really did blow that call with Gail Kim holding onto the ropes right? I’ve been watching wrestling for 30 years but all of the sudden freaking Mike Tenay, Taz and shitty TNA logic have me questioning the rules. If Gail grabs the ropes Velvet has to break the hold, right? The only time the ref should remove a wrestlers hands from the ropes is if they’re using them as unfair leverage in a hold or a pin which totally wasn’t the case. How is it that Gail Kim pointing out what a shitty ref Taryn is, makes her the bad guy? Also why do I feel like I care about the knockout division more than TNA?
Its called a storyline, are you new to wrestling or something?
I’ve always enjoyed these recaps, but after “yellow and red herring” I’m now a lifer. Stu-pendous.
You forgot Jack Swagger, if he gets released. Picking up a middling WWE guy and pretending he’s a big deal is a TNA specialty. (Although my dearest hope is that Swagger stays in WWE and gets repackaged as a white Rasta dude who never wins named Job Marley.)
It won’t be long before Impact is in the UK more than it is in the US. It’s weird what we care about.
If Bully doesn’t turn heel and murder Jeff Hardy, I’m gonna riot. The best part will be watching Mr Roboto(brooke hogan) try to emote feelings after she is betrayed. I’ve been annoyed bully hasn’t turned on them yet, but if it was stretched to allow him to win the world title, then so be it.
I’d take everything going on in the knockouts division over whatever is going on in the divas division. Even Velvet Sky’s bad dye job is better than Kaitlyn’s.
TNA sounds more entertaining than WWE these days.
Team BC is totes going to win the tournament of farts.
TNA should make Taryn’s referee outfit standard for all its refs, even special guest referees.
Pigeons in the uterus sounds SUPER uncomfortable and I’ve been pregnant, so that’s saying something.
If only the members of Aces and Eights weren’t so ludicrously terrible. Can’t they just put the masks back on and secretly switch them out with Aries, Roode, Kaz, and Daniels? Who would be against that?
Do a quick trip to Mexico and have them rebrand themselves as Unos y Ochos so they can wear lucha masks, even.
It’s a golden opportunity for TNA to do something it loves, (Insulting its viewers’ intelligence) while also making its product way better.
got school after 3 hours, got an exam that I haven’t studied yet too and I’m still here and gonna read this first !
thank you, Danielle ;)
WOW ! congratulations for your time with spike dudely !! I totally forgot about you going to that event !! now I’m very jealous >:( but still happy for you so much :D I don’t know how that works…
on a side note, as much as I agree with you on everything you said about the knockouts match there, I got to point out that I enjoyed it while it lasted actully !!
the champion being the first one eliminated made it clear to me who’s going to win it and made me very angry inside, but at that was after 10 seconds of jumping off of my seat and shouting “wow ! interesting !!”
the moves that the ladies did are some that I don’t see everyday personally ! the bulldog to the floor outside, the moonsault from the top robe from tara (it was better than eve’s in my opinion ! and also, god I miss eve …), the double powerbomb-superplex and also frankly most of the rest of the match that didn’t involve velvet sky all impressed me !
Your reviews are seriously starting to become a choir…Its a fucking wrestling show, lighten up Jeez..Bully Ray wasnt booking a main event match, he asked Hogan and the old guy agreed, end of story.
Your hatred of Velvet Sky is understandable, but she has a sex appeal and personal charm man can appreciate(Man, not IWC nerds with inferiority complex). Plus, she is not a terrible wrestler. The Knockouts match was good, i dont remember seeing a tower of doom in a divas match for at least a decade.
Anyway, Roode/Aries/Bad Influence are infinitely better then anything the stale, boring G rated E product has to offer, thats just my opinion..
you’re comment was so marky … lighten up yourself a little dude !
gotta admit, almost 3 weeks ago I was just like you !! I used to fill the comment section with disagreeing opinions of mine that I thought were right ! but even when mine (and yours) were right sometimes, we should remember that this .. all this, is only meant for laughs ! it’s a comedy wrestling show review !!
also, thank you Danielle for changing me to the better ;D
Thats actually my point..Its all for fun, thats why i dont understand the ultra “smarkiness” attitude,,If you apply too much logic to pro wrestling, you are bound to cringe.
Imagine how good wrestling could be if people weren’t willing to accept gaping plot holes, terrible continuity, and the like by lowering their expectations because it’s “just wrestling.”
When your defense of a female wrestler is “She’s hot” and “Not ‘terrible’ at wrestling” that’s not saying much. But I always love the “At least I’m not a nerd argument” coming from someone posting on the message board/comment section of a page devoted to a nerdy interest. I, for one, welcome our new “man” overlord, and defer to his obviously superior penis.
how cool and creative would it be if the leader in the very end was abyss and it truned out that joseph park actully has two personallities ! so, when he’s back in joseph park mode, he can’t remember anything from his time in abyss mode ! and abyss goes the way that TNA left him high and dry more than a year ago and that he wants revenge … and when TNA guys hold joseph park to ask him what he knows he says he knows nothing and they toture him to get answers !! that would be very interesting if it played out well …
so, did the guy that wrote the Jebidiah Park stories run out of ideas or are they returning soon?! I’m very curious to know the answer !!
With TNA’s history of poor decisions, terrible storyline conclusions, and dropped balls my money is on Double J.
I’ve been convinced for a while that Bully Ray is heading up A&8s, leading to a BR/Brooke betrayal and finally getting Brooke off my g/d television. My only issue with Hulk being involved is it would probably require Sting’s full-time return, and did you get a load of how shiny his bald spot is getting?
Then you had to go ahead and throw AJ in there. I truly hope it’s not him, but now I can’t get it out of my head that it might be. DAMMIT.
What if it’s Bully and then Brooke also turns on her dad?
Then we get Jeff Jarrett returning as the savior of TNA…
Oh, god, I think I’m going to hurl.
BTW, someone unrelated since it didn’t happen here: Why does Storm’s “Closing Time” come before “Last Call”? He doesn’t really drink, does he?
Oops! I forgot. That was TOTALLY NOT Joseph’s pin. Chavo was still legal.
/THATguy
nice from you to catch that !
I think we all were too happy to see joseph park’s jump that we didn’t concentrate on who was the legal man and got super mad at chavo “stealing ” the pin !!!
I really like the Sting option, and I enjoyed the heck out of this review. Great writing.
TNA: Still on Namek.
Wait, you think the voice modulator guy is D-Lo? How can anyone think this anymore? All the pitch corrected videos out there of of ‘voice modulator guy’ prove it’s Eric Bischoff, I didn’t think anyone who watched TNA didn’t realise it was him. talk about a lack of research.
thanks for doing these….love em
Seems like it’s Bully Raymond to me, but I have also thought it was equal parts Double J and Bischoff since the beginning
Tough call.