As I mentioned last week, the Air Sex National Championships went down in Austin, TX, on Friday night. If you've never seen Air Sex, it's a (for lack of a better term) head-to-head competition where performers execute no-holds-barred imaginary f**k-sessions on stage for the enjoyment of an audience of folks trying not to throw up. Brooklyn Decker was there in the crowd, apparently. I was on stage as a judge, because (1) I've been lucky enough to judge a few of these during its most recent touring schedule, and (2) I am not even ABOUT to pretend-hump something in front of Brooklyn Decker.
I put together a gallery of the show's best and most iconic images (with the help of my good buddy Lex Lybrand of Wear The Cheese), and here's a quick guide to what you'll see as you flip through it:
- Friend Of The Site/comedian/occasional Best And Worst Of Raw fill-in/Anarchy Championship Wrestling manager/Other Things Chris Trew hosting the show, warming the crowd up with his appearance on 'America's Got Talent' (and also a thing where he pretends to f**k a lady with a hair straightener).
- A "tournament of champions" style event pitting the winners of the various Air Sex World Championship events in various cities against one another in a Best Of The Best-style throwdown.
- Pokémon sex. No, seriously.
- An extremely studious gentleman struggling to keep it up.
- A sexual pizza man.
- A lady in a red jumpsuit who goes BALLS OUT sexing three dudes and gets a standing ovation, which is still cool even though the judges are the only people who get to sit.
- Previous Austin winner "Hand Banana" going to the murder/necrophilia well once again and getting shut out of round two.
- An innocent, blushing bride who eventually eats prop poop.
- King Of Kings "Sweet Child," a guy in an argyle sweater who strips to reveal ... well, I'll let you see it.
- An aggressive southerner who chokes not only himself, but the imaginary lady blowing him.
- "Extreme Dad," a guy in a 9/11 shirt who "finishes" with the help of a confetti cannon.
- An incredible round 2, featuring the top three finalists.
- The thrilling conclusion, and a golden dildo trophy we tried SO HARD to get dry in time for this, despite not knowing how dildo textures and spray paint work.
Anyway, this'll all make sense by the end. Revisit the Air Sex National Championships with me, and Brooklyn Decker somewhere, and some gross-ass, hilarious people.