"John Cena? More like CHICKEN PARMESAN ASS SLUT!" etc.
Tonight, on the WWE Raw Open Discussion Thread, ROODY POO CANDY JOKES~!:
The first Raw of 2013 is going to be one wild ride, with no less a marquee match in place than a Tables, Ladders & Chairs WWE Title Match between Ryback and the incumbent, recently medically-cleared champion CM Punk. But while the WWE Universe salivates over the long-awaited contest, Dolph Ziggler has been stewing in anger over the past week after being embarrassed by John Cena in the waning minutes of 2012. With Ryback on the prowl for championship gold once again and Ziggler out for messy revenge against his own muscle-bound rival, what can the WWE Universe expect when Raw rolls into 2013. We have a few — five, actually — ideas. …
Oh, also, some guy called “The Rock” is coming back to Raw for the first time in six months. Maybe you’ve heard of him. (via WWE.com)
The With Leather five-point preview:
1. The Rock is back! You never know if it’ll be good Rock or bad Rock before he shows up, so we’ll go in not expecting the Cena/Rock KUNG PAO BITCH stammering shook version and maybe get cool, classic, guitar-playing Rock for our optimism. He could feud with Punk by just being cooler and funnier and better at wrestling than him, right? He doesn’t have to call him a gay fry cook non-stop until it’s trending. Also on the show: monkeys fly out of my butt.
2. We find out what the original plan for the TLC main-event was, before Punk got hurt and The Shield had a MOTY in the mid-card while John Cena had romance stories on top. It’d be pretty great if Ryback just won the title here, and Rock went “heh, sorry, I was planning to wrestle the skinny guy … brb, GI Joe reshoots.”
3. We get at least three replays of last week’s “John Cena dumps poopies on people” main-event segment, because me not watching it doesn’t mean I get to not see it.
4. Dolph Ziggler cashes in Money in the Bank tonight and wins the World Heavyweight Championship, because it’s the “first live Raw of 2013″ and they are suckers for moments like that. Calling it right now. Also calling a tag titles change, because why not?
5. I will be asked to tune in to an all-new episode of ‘Suits,’ or whatever!
The 10 best comments from tonight’s WWE Raw open discussion thread will be featured in tomorrow’s Best And Worst Of WWE Raw report. To nominate a comment for top 10 consideration, please reply to it with a +1. Get your friends and all the wrestling fans you know to make an appearance here tonight, because our number of active users is dreadfully low.
And yes, the report will happen tomorrow. I’ll explain it more in the pre-show notes tomorrow, but the combination of two pre-taped shows + two consecutive holidays + my dad having heart failure on New Year’s Day kept me away from the report. Things are back to normal now, and watching the Rock will be my punishment.
Enjoy the show, everybody.
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If last night’s Punk and Rock promo’s were supposed to get me to want to see what happens the next few weeks on Raw and at the Rumble…then they succeeded. Rock should elevate his material to be less sophomoric but otherwise they both seem like they wanna beat the ever loving snot out of each other.
The storyline is obviously Punk hating the people and wanting to succeed in spite of them and TO spite them versus the People’s champion. They got that part of the story over last night.
Also, Arms to Short to Box with God was a musical before a Kid Rock lyric, and before that came from a 1927 book of sermons.
That being said, it’s the one quarter of the year where the WWE seems to put the most effort into storylines/production/etc.. so I’m going to try and enjoy it for whatever it is and hope for the best.
I’m not sure if it was the Neuro Sleep, or if it was the electricity of an upcoming Rock appearance, but I fell asleep.
If Rock wins at the Rumble, he will disappear with that title longer than Punk did
I just realized how awesome a Winter/Spring of Rock would be. Him trying to win at wrestlemania to take the WWE Title back to Hollywood would be fantastic.
I enjoy Brandon’s humor and most of the kommentariat’s, but sometimes it feels like you guys won’t be happy with the product until everyone is just a derivative of CM Punk, Damien Sandow and Daniel Bryan. Just a roster of guys too cool to embrace any of wrestling’s more low-brow habits. Say what you will about The Rock, and most of you have, but the man’s here to give the fans what they came for. Two guys standing in the ring “You people-ing” would be, frankly, boring. Especially if one of them is The Rock. He’s not there to “you people.” He’s the people’s champ, after all.
Without the Rocks and Cenas of the world, the CM Punks would be just as lame as everyone else. Just as you need Punk, Punk needs them.
Yeah, they just want everyone to be a young to young-ish, marginally astute heel. They just LOVED Rocky in Nation of Domination, but now? Not so much. Even though he was making stupid jokes back then too. The Rock is to “smart” wrestling fans what TVs are to hipsters or whatever. They were also hating Punk when he was a face last year.
Last night’s segment was great on both parts, and I’m gonna hate watching Punk lose the title. They accomplished more in one segment than the entire Cena/Rock feud, mainly because in that shindig no one was willing to be the bad guy.
Read through some of your other comments on UPROXX. Cant’ decide if you’re a troll or your opinions on pop culture are exactly 100% the opposite of most commenters here.
A little of column a, a little of column b. Most of my trolling is done heavily in caps lock, if that helps you tell the difference.
I would say that what we want is a deeper motivation in story telling than what many of the top faces are giving us right now. Many of us are spoiled by indie leagues that bridge the gaps in production budget by telling arcing stories that have some level of depth and an eye towards continuity where as the E just likes to hit the reset button.
We tend to like “heels” because they are more fleshed out in their motivations. We tend to dislike “faces” because they are juveniles whom are afraid of anything outside the standards of 1990′s America.
This isn’t really a matter of who the wrestler is, outside of a few particular cases(D-Bry as a face, etc.). Because of how the WWE portrays “Heroes” and “Villains”. We tend to like the “villains” no matter what, because they are either correct or are at least passionate and have a logical line of thinking.
You people are way too mad about this Cookiepuss thing. Coulda been worse. Coulda been Fudgie The Whale.
The feud is young.
WWE has already gone to the Fudgie the Whale well.
Oh, and I apologize from my hometown crowd of tampa being the jerks that I knew they would before The Rock’s shitty antics. I’m just glad he’s not using “transvestite” as a pejorative in this instance.
Hi reporting in to say that I’m sorry I missed talking with you guys! It got real nice around the end there. I find it hard to get on the internet while wrestling is happening now that I have someone IRL to watch it with in my partner. But yes, I was very happy with Fuck This Company Punk. Something his character desperately needed to be clear for awhile now.
No worries! Getting to enjoy wrestling live with other people is a wonderful thing to be able to do.
I wonder if WWE is TRYING to get a 50/50 reaction at Royal Rumble. Punk’s promo sounded tailor-made for his fans and Rock’s promo was tailor-made for grown men who call each other “fag” online all day
Nailed it.
+1 (although sadly there’s more overlap than I’d like)
Punk should keep going with the train of logic from tonight:
-call out marks for feeding WWE money only to go bitch on the internet about how crappy the show is.
-call out Rocky for coming back for the $$$, not so much the fans, like Rock claimed.
-mention his admiration of Rock for being the only who ever truly “got out” and say that is motivation to defeat Rock and send him back to Hollywood… mention Hogan trying to get out, only to have his family fall apart and go crawling back to the business. Mention how Rock avoided having a heart attack in his thirties while brushing his teeth, or being a lonely sad old man smoking crack in a hotel room talking about how his daughter hates him.
I would love a Fuck-This-Business CM Punk.
that last one would be devastating. a self-loathing wrestler.
It would be kind of an unnecessary shot at Jake Roberts, though. No need to kick a guy who’s perpetually down just to get heat from a crowd.
With Mitchell Cole repeating over and over again that ‘this is going to be Cena’s best year’, ’2013 is the year of John Cena’, ’2012 was his darkest hour, but 2013 will be Cena’s year’, does anyone have a bad feeling that this is what will happen this year
RUMBLE – Rock wins the belt, Cena wins Rumble
MANIA – Cena beats Rock,
REST OF THE YEAR – Cena retains belt, makes terrible jokes, constantly says ‘ladies and gentleman’ in a cheesy, horrible voice every promo and no-sells 100% of the finishers of every wrestler in THIS BUSINESS
Jerry Lawler is such an inspiration. After his stupid “Goat cheese” joke during the tag title match he’s inspired me to learn Spanish.
+Uno
+¡SI! ¡SI! ¡SI!
If I ever come across a Spanish feed, I’ll report back on the quality of the announcing. (I don’t have cable, so SAP isn’t an option.)
For all we know, it could be worse than Cole and Lawler.
just like I said before … if I don’t see 3 parts of “Jack Swagger on Marth !” story in the review, then I’ll be raining every goddamn column on the site with questions about why it didn’t happen !
not writing 2 raw reviews because whatever doesn’t mean we don’t get the same amount of swagger’s adventures in the space that we get every month !
I really wish I hadn’t missed this live raw chat, sooo much this business to talk about
When the lights came back on, the two Shield members that aren’t Rob Trujillo of Metallica exchanged blows with Ryback like it was a shitty video game.
The Shield with the half-powerbomb!
Ryback shouldn’t climb since he’s been fed within the past half hour.
Fuck John Cena. Fuck him in his stupid ass. I’m sorry for the profanity, but he pushed me to it. That stupid thumb shaped motherfucker!
Listening to the Punk/Rock exchange again. I seriously want to kill Michael Cole for has fucking laughter. I wish Google hadn’t blocked every YouTube-to-mp3 converter, because I’d like to own the full audio. Damn laws.
You can try finding it on vimeo or dailymotion or some other video sharing site and then use a nameofthatsite-to-mp3 converter.
Sorry I missed it all. Hope it was ok. Can’t wait for B/W to recap everything.
One more hour until RAW!
Perfect ending to this night: @ZackRyder: The world follows me on twitter too. @WWE doesn’t want you to know. 100k followers MORE than @mikethemiz pic.twitter.com/myr4iLqf”
Not a fan of Ryder, at all, but it must be hard to work for a company that doesn’t support you. Empathy.
Yeah, I saw those tweets also. Feel kind of bad for him. He’s got more followers than The Miz, but because Miz is more relevant in the storylines they change the truth to fit what they want it to be.
I just hope Rock’s up for this. I can’t watch him in another Cena-style match with 52 reverse chin locks because he’s gassed. I also can’t sit through 3 weeks (roughly) of Rock Concerts, Rock History lessons, Rock-rithmatic, etc.
It was pointed out below, and I whole-heatedly agree, that the dick jokes and slurs and made-up food insults were absent from the Hogan storyline, and it was outstanding. Serious, intense Rock is the best kind of Rock. He doesn’t have to shoot on anyone or anything, just pretend like he cares. When he does that, he’s an entertaining watch.
He got a superb match out of HULK GODDAMN HOGAN 10-ish years ago by being what he was at the time–a good-to-great in-ring performer who was in superb shape. What we got last year was 2 minutes of nice exchanges (great in-ring performer!) and the aforementioned wear-downs (sigh, conditioning). Now, this isn’t to say that CM Punk is the best wrestler in the company, because he isn’t, but Punk could drag a passable match out of Hogan right now (hell, his quick spats with Lawler and McMahon were at least entertaining), and if Rock realizes that, then we could get a Classic at the Rumble. Part of me believes he knows this, and wants this. A larger part of me believes he has movies to promote. Can’t fault him for that, it’s part of his job.
Obviously, what will ultimately make or break this feud will be Punk’s level of interest week-in and week-out. Tonight he was as good as I can remember him being during his run in the WWE–aside from the “you peoples” (which I love, I can’t help it), the vitriol and confidence he showed seemed legit. An angry and upset CM Punk is the CM Punk I want, that we need, for this to work. My hope is that his level of intensity for this program grows and grows each week, and that he realizes that he’s probably not going to get Serious/Intense Rock to work with and will have to carry most of this on his candy-tattooed shoulders. I’d like to think that this will be handled appropriately, and like a potential moron, I think it will.
You were beautiful tonight, CM Punk. Please continue to be beautiful.
(BRB, gonna go kick Rock’s ass in a WWE13 Ironman Match)
+1 Very well said. I agree he used the words “You people” too many times, but the concepts and character development behind the speech were genius. True enough to have weight, but wrong enough to make him the heel. It reminded me of Denzel’s “King Kong ain’t got shit on me” line from Training Day.
He’s a man on top of the world, smug and cocksure, who’s realizing it’s all coming undone, and that he has a very long way to fall.
+1 just an awesome comment man
+1
‘Kay back to Mass Effect. Personal thoughts on feud:Hope for the best expect the worst.
I’LL BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH COLGATE THIS IS THE FINAL HOUR
We have six days for Phil Brooks to convince Dwayne Johnson that the feud will be better if he drops the silly gay stuff and petty insults.
Who am I kidding? We’re going to get caviar with fish sticks for our Royal Rumble feud.
Rock does like fish sticks doesn’t he?
I’m not going to lie, I still get a chuckle out of some of The Rock’s lowest common denominator humor, and I love “action movie star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson”…but “The Rock, two month a year best wrestler in the world”s existance sucks for us all and is worse for the wrestling game than anyone will ever know. It’s never going to happen, but the WWE needs to realize that the core of the audience isn’t going anywhere, and learn that if they built a legitimate narrative around talented people, they’d keep those fans happy and end up with new one’s in the process. I don’t really dig Punk, think he’s overrated in the ring and seems like a dildo in real life, but he was very right tonight.
I was fairly amused by how much he stretched for that candy ass line. Not laughing with him funny, but I don’t think Rocky or WWE know the difference between laughing with and laughing at anymore (see: faces, nearly all).
As a result of the #CookiePuss chant, Patton Oswalt will be next week’s Raw Social Media Ambassador.
Sprinkle some french fries on those cupppp cakkkeeesss.
+1
+I’d actually follow what the Social Media “Ambassador” had to say
I would lose too if I had to box with Cena
How did a heel just do a heel turn?
God Cena is amazing.
i will smash your face into a jelly
God Punk is amazing….fixed it for ya
Wait…is Jessico09 a hipster?
I don’t think there’s any other explanation mikey
some amazing commenting history.
so in all seriousness I am NOT a member of CENATION. I am a straight Punk man. I just like seeing everyone get all fired up when I reference Jern
Lobster Mobster is my new bff
very tricksy
YOUR TIME IS UP MY TIME IS NOW EVEN THROUGH THE DARKEST DAYS THIS FIRE BURNS ALWAYS
LOOK IN MY EYES WHAT DO YOU SEE IN CASE YOU FORGOT OR FELL OFF I’M STILL HOT KNOCK YOUR SHELL OFF I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD
Thank you, CM Punk.
Punk delved into the WWE Universe, talked topics, reached heights no one has even touched on before. Can’t express just how good Punk’s words were tonight.
courtesy of @MrBrandonStroud: If you don’t pay attention to retweets, the crowd at #Raw in Tampa tonight was chanting “CM Gay.” Because The Rock. #Raw
Well, there goes my “Rock can keep this up as long as it doesn’t turn into gaybashing” theory
sorry man.
I’m not sure you, or anyone, can blame The Rock for that.
The main problem is to counter anything Punk says, Rock has to stick up for the winners in the crowd, and I think even he knows how impossible that is without sounding like a tool. he could literally get them to chant “U-S-S-R” if he wanted too, and he knows it.
wanted to*
Punk should continue on the train of thought from tonight. Just hating on the whole business. I wish when Rocky listed his reasons for coming back, Punk would’ve pointed the paycheck, then even say that he himself only came back after MITB ’11 because of the fat new contract.
So how do you guys plan to respond to the end of Punk’s title reign at the Rumble?….. what kind of hard liquor will you imbibe?
Scotch. Lots and lots of Scotch
Honey Jack Daniels on the rocks. For the degenerate with a sweet tooth.
In honor of his straight-edgedness, I’ll probably drink a milk, and pour out some pepsi for the bros who have fallen.
I will not DRINK a pepsi, though, because soda is gross.
Don Julio. Straight Don Julio
I feel like I should get a straight bottle of Jack, because Jericho.
Brown Nectar aka Hennessy.
I’m straight edge, so depending on where I am, either a soda water (if I’m at a bar to watch the ppv) or chocolate almond milk (if I’m at home).
He’s the hero that the WWE Universe needs right now… but not the one it deserves.
He does often get confused for Batman
Once tipped a stripper with a filet-o-fish
I’m not sure if he’s still currently mad at Oz though
+1 to mikeybot and blacktoothgrin for knowing the descriptions of twitter users really well
CM Punk’s promo is already on Youtube if you want to get the taste of Rock’s promo out of your mouth.
Link or it didn’t happen
[www.youtube.com]
And gone within an hour. WWE’s copyright people are DIIIIIICKS.
Good night to my favorite part of Monday Night Raw: WWE Raw Open Discussion Thread
g’night.
+truth
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT PUNK’S PROMO WAS RAMBLING AND MEDIOCRE. HE CAN STILL TALK BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE BUT IT WAS HARDLY THE FUCKING USS INDIANAPOLIS SPEECH FROM JAWS.
I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH THIS ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT THE ALL CAPS
THIS BUSINESS
just letting you know your caps lock is on
MY CAPS LOCK IS NEVER OFF
CAPS LOCK IS PART OF SCJA’S CHARM
No Respect had been sent…
THIS BUSINESS!
That pretty speech didn’t save him from getting eaten by jaws. Think about it.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO NAME A GREAT MONOLOGUE. I WANTED TO SAY NED BEATTY IN NETWORK BUT THAT MIGHT BE TOO OBSCURE A REFERENCE FOR SOME, NOT ALL, OF YOU.
ALEC BALDWIN IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS?
“Y’know how, y’know when you’re in ring, Rock, you tell by lookin’ from the elbow pad to the wrist tape…”
“30 men went into The Royal Rumble that night…”
“…very first bell, Punk, The Shield went crusin’”
“…idea was, Sheild comes to the first man, he start hollerin’ and screamin’. Sometimes The Sheild go’ away, sometimes they wouldn’t go away.”
HERE’S HOW YOU CUT A PROMO: [www.youtube.com]
ALEC BALDWIN IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS IS AN EXCELLENT CHOICE TOO.
“…what we didn’t know, our TLC match was so secret, no respect had been sent!”
Better’d from earlier… I GET YOU, BRO!!!
Well, thanks everyone for making my first Raw Open Thread a fun one! Too bad The Rock couldn’t be bothered to show up. See you next week!
hey, welcome Sir.
Maybe you all missed it, but Punk putting Brodus over was the best fucking part of the night. Spot on. Brodus could be the Big Evil. And here we are.
I enjoyed him putting Tyson Kidd over a bit more.
he needs to be paired with Christian.
Also very true, GDLLPP. Excellent promo.
The shuck and jive reference was a nice way of pointing out Vince’s casual racism without saying Vince is racist.
I just hope World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney can sort this mess out.
+1 that is just teriffic. Jack Tunney 4 Life
‘
real talk: Cut out 20% of the genital jokes and leave the remaining 80% and bring THAT to 100% and you got MAGIC for the next three weeks!
I think you’ve got your percentages around the wrong way but yes, you may be right.
probably, math ws never my strongest subject lol
Me either. But, I do think you’re right. There was a glimmer of the possibility of some perhaps-able solid Rock mic work there.
Right? I know it’s cool to bash the rock on here (some of it IS warrented, mind you) but I know potential when I see it
I think the cool kids are already blaming Rock for a CM Gay chant…
I don’t necessarily blame the Rock so much as I blame the audiences ability to come up with a less stupid chant lol
Lol’d when I realised that you were one of the cool kids. ;)
Yep, as far as I could tell The Rock did/said nothing tonight that could legitimately be used to claim he incited homophobic chants. It just didn’t happen, and I’d like to converse with someone that thinks other wise.
The audience on the other hand… Wow.
like i said earlier, poppa pumo level promos.
pump.
poppa pump.
oh yeah i am that but i’ll give credit where credit is due :)
Know what would have been perfect? Had the Rock’s promo just started with the words “You’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole.”
+Walter
In all seriousness, he could have gone from there about like “Yes I can get the Universe into a frenzy just by saying FINALLY…yes I can get anything to trend that I want, yes you’re right. BUt you know what? It’s my job and your job to entertain the customers any way we can, and if that stuff works and makes them happy why can’t you let them be happy?” and so on and so forth until he promises to fulfill all their hopes and dreams by winning the belt and the crowd goes fucking bananarama.
^ This requires thought and drive to be good at your craft. The Rock thinks he still has some of his heart left in wrestling, but if he did, he would have delivered a promo like you said. We all had our ears raped by what came out of his mouth. His heart isn’t in it anymore.
Just an addition to me opinion about the Rock, there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s done everything and has a great life, but I think the difference between the Rock’s promo and Punk’s promo is that his heart isn’t there anymore whereas CM Punk currently seems to be putting his entire being into wrestling.
For those seeking a palate cleanser: My Lobster Mobster-approved D-Bry video!!
youtube.com/watch?v=LiHKz_KyID0
Watch it, gang!
Sexplosions! ALL OF THE SEXPLOSIONS!
Oh there it is if anyone wants to get in, or even just take a peek at the Royal Rumble pool I’m running, the link to the entry form is below.
Wait, why is LL Cool J a traffic cop on a motorcycle now?
Did anyone else look at Rock’s open palm to see if he had notes written?
I tried, the camera was too close most of the time. And I think he really did that shit the 1st time and was legit embarassed, prob wont happen again.
I did, he didn’t.
Did anyone notice that Paul Heyman was nowhere to be seen when they returned from commercial?
Yeah, that was weird
They don’t pay him enough for this shit.
he had to go backstage and explain to the powers that be exactly what was occurring, and why it was significant. Otherwise they spend all of their time testing out consistency for shit to drop on “superstars”, as well as our collective hearts.
Wrestling community, we’ve been mocked for this silly obsession we have. But we’ve also done some increbile things. We made professional wrestling popular in North America, not Vince McMahon, not Hulk Hogan, WE did. It may not seem like it, but we do have a little leeway when it comes to this fake underwear fighting. So if you’re going to the Royal Rumble or Wrestlemania, I beg of you, I IMPLORE you, to boo the everloving Keebler Elf monkey shit out of the Rock.
But I’m going with a group that contains two (yep TWO) grown ass men who are debating which of their Rock shirts they’re going to wear at which part of the show (that show being Wrestlemania)…I’ll be in a Barrett shirt :-)