Best: Chris Jericho, One More Time (Again)
Hey look, Cool Dad’s back!
I legitimately wasn’t expecting Jericho. I was expecting MVP, or Carlito. Internet, don’t ever lie to me about Carlito again. The next time 411 or whoever is all CARLITO SPOTTED IN PHOENIX HOLDING APPLE IT’S A SCOOP and Carlito doesn’t show up, I’m canceling my Internet forever and taking odd jobs at local farms for the rest of my life. You are forcing me into Man Of Steel-style exile, you dirt sheet f**ks.
Anyway, I’m happy to see Jericho back. I had the highest-possible hopes for his run last year, especially when he showed up as a mute crowd-worker, but it ended up being terrible. He had that limp feud with CM Punk, ended up getting fired out of nowhere on a Raw and that was it. He’s one of the best of our generation, you know? He deserves a for-real “last run” that reminds us why the Conspiracy Victim Jericho and Best In The World At What He Does Jericho were the greatest characters in wrestling history without being either of them. Especially not both of them at the same time, which is what I think he was going for last time.
Even his hair got better as the match went on. Just wet your hair down before the match starts, Chris, you don’t have enough hair to pull off that funny WCW thing anymore.
Best: Goldust
Actually, forget Jericho, because GOLDUST IS BACK.
When Goldust’s music hit, I stood up from the couch, threw up my arms and yelled YES. When I realized he was coming to the ring to confront Cody Rhodes, that “yes” response turned into an actual OH SHIT I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS YEAH FIGHT pro wrestling thing I wish I could feel more often. Nothing makes me happier right now than the idea of a Goldust/Cody Rhodes WrestleMania match finally happening. Maybe Cody and Damien Sandow as tag team champions defending against Booker T and Goldust.
Goldust is one of those guys you know you can bring back every three years or whatever and not only will he get a nostalgia pop, he’ll be GOOD. You can put Goldust in the ring with anybody in WWE right now and it’ll be a great match. Goldust is the kind of guy Wade Barrett should be taking on while he holds the Intercontinental Championship … guys who have a lot of experience and really know how to work, and can help Wade even out the edges in his own wrestling. I still positive that Sheamus is only as good as he is between the ropes because he spent his first few TV months f**king with Goldust.
Keep him around, please.
Best: Cody Rhodes Was The Best Part Of The Entire Rumble
For real. Nobody played a character at the Royal Rumble better than Cody Rhodes. Maybe the “Cody’s Mustache” thing and Damien Sandow’s instaheat has freed him up to really dig in to what makes Cody Rhodes great, but he’s figured it out, and he is suddenly the most effective, opportunistic jerk in the company. He had a lot of great moments during the match, but these two were my favorites:
1. His elimination of Goldust.
He HAD to be the guy to eliminate Goldust, right? The look he gave Goldy, with his arm draped over the top rope, has to be the greatest inaudible Nelson Muntz laugh ever. He brought it back, too, for Great Cody Rhodes Royal Rumble Moment #2:
2. His elimination of Kofi Kingston.
Well, hold on, I should explain this, first.
Worst: Kofi Kingston Is Stupid
I talk a lot of shit about Kofi Kingston in this column (which some of you take very seriously, because I guess you weren’t around when I was ragging on John Morrison every week and formally transferred my Eat Your Lunch animosity over to Kofi when Morrison got fired), but he has a very important role in these Royals Rumble: do the fun athletic thing.
In last year’s Rumble, Kofi did that thing where he avoided elimination by walking on his hands. It wasn’t as good as the time Morrison Spider-Man’d the security railing and found his way back into the ring, but it was pretty special, and shows up in basically every Rumble video package. Now they have to keep topping it, so for this year’s moment they had him stumble off the apron, jump onto Tensai’s back, ride poor Lord Dugong around like a cyclops in ‘God Of War’ and end up stranded on the Spanish announce table. How did Kofi avoid elimination, you may be asking? He asked Drunk JBL for his chair, then bounced it toward the ring like a pogo stick until he could put his ass on the apron. See:
It was fine for what it was, but oh my God was it stupid. This isn’t me hating on Kofi as a gag, I just think it was dumber than shit. If you’re stranded on the announce table, there are SO MANY WAYS to get back into the ring. The easiest way would be, I don’t know, hop on one foot? Just put one foot down and hop over to the apron. You’re still in. You’ve got that surfboard sized protective covering you’re standing on, right? Drop that on the ground and walk over like a bridge. If you can stand on a table and not be out, there are no thickness limits for objects allowed between your feet on the floor. You could also do the John Morrison thing and take like, one step to your right, jump from the rail to the stairs and still be in. OR, if you get a chair, why not just sit down in the chair and push it over? You can even use your one leg to “row” it. OR JUST USE MANY CHAIRS AND WALK ACROSS THEM. I feel like pogo sticking it over was seriously the stupidest and least reasonable way to get back over.
Cody Rhodes agreed, and as soon as Kofi got up on the apron, he handled it.
Thank you, Cody Rhodes. You're the best.
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This made my day a fraction better. Thanks Brandon.
co-signed.
This.
Fourthed. Great job.
Best & Worst is the penicillin to the the STI that Dwayne’s win last night gave me.
This.
I’m allergic to penicillin. Does that mean I get to suffer even more?
I have no doubt that cena is a hardworker, a cool guy and does great work outside of the WWE but in the ring he isn’t the best to watch with his wrestling ability. I mean if i bumping into cena in a bar i would definitely ask for an autograph or something but i wouldn’t pay to watch him wrestle especially in a main event.
so i watch replay here :) [theviral.info]
This report is the current highlight of my day.
Oh, it’s not revenge that Brandon’s after; it’s a reckonin’!
Sometime’s it feels like my whole life is a Dusty finish.
I’ve been looking forward to your thoughts on last night all morning.
I don’t know why, but I lol’d hardest at “…set to the worst music.”
Ha. Me too. And then I clicked on it. And Brandon was right.
I was thinking to myself, “It’s either Nickelback, Disturbed or Evanescence… Oh, I forgot about Saliva!”
same here XD
Drunk JBL for President or GM or Guy That Makes Matches. Whatever that position(s) is called these days.
!!!
^^^THIS
+1
There still wouldn’t be as many tag team matches as when Teddy Long was in charge.
Drunken Style JBL FTW.
Now I want a Drunk JBL Gangam Style parody.
“Nothing makes me happier right now than the idea of a Godlust/Cody Rhodes WrestleMania match finally happening.”
Now I’m just sad that there’s no character named Godlust, because I love that goddamn name.
gonna pretend that’s what he called himself during that brief time he was a pro-God type.
fantastic call.
Wasn’t Godlust an XPW champ?
No it was a gimmick Shawn Michaels tried out for a week and a half in 2005.
I heard it’s what Lex Luger is calling himself now.
I thought it was a decent PPV overall, if greatly predictable.
agreed
Nope. Predictable is fine if the wrestling is good. The wrestling was not.
“Whatever will be will IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT WILL BE”
I chortled.
Me too.
Jack Swagger of Marth costume has allowed me to come to piece with the Royal Rumble. Something good, nay great, did come of this.
Peace rather.
I got some great pics on my twitter, including Funky Warm Medina getting his ankle snapped in the Marth Lock. I’m typing up a little report to post in a few minutes at the bottom here.
I’m excited to read this report!
I for one am looking forward to when Lincoln shows up to tell me everything is gay. Terrific write up Brandon.
I wish they didn’t have Lesnar signed. I’ve been expecting him to fuck some shit up in every Punk match since he aligned with Heyman. We need you, Brock. Get off your fucking tractor.
Great article, by the way.
The lamest part is that before Lesnar can do anything interesting he has to waste his Wrestlemania match jobbing to HHH.
Also if you’re reviewing episodes of Nitro, I would request you start with the Chris Jericho man of 1004 holds one. please.
ARMBAR
THREE HANDLED MOSS COVERED FAMILY CREDENZA
Arm-BAR
RIGHT HANDED PUNCH.
LEFT HANDED PUNCH.
SHOOTING STAR STAPLE HOLD
WASHBOARD!
STANDING Armbar
THE SASKATCHEWAN
ARMBAR
SHOOTING STAR STAPLE SUPER PRESS
THE SUPER BLIZZARD
CANADIAN MAPLE LEAF!
THE SASKATCHEWAN SPINNING NERVE HOLD
ARMBARRR
I was hoping you would cover the complete non reaction for Bo Dallas and how out of everyone they could have used to spotlight NXT they used the blandest mother fucker around.
Was Percy Watson unavailable?
They should have fully embraced their slavish devotion to the past and just given us actual Maven in the Maven role. I’m sure he was available.
Given the options in the tournament for a spot in the rumble Bo was the blandest choice possible and it makes me sad he got to be there to get less of a reaction than Jinder
Hey, nothing wrong with Percy Watson, The Human Spider.
OH YEAH!
Strong agree. Even Steamboat would have been better.
I was hoping my “Rock is going to put his stamp on this match. Because you can’t mail something in without a stamp” would make the top 10, but c’est la vie. Seriously though, the Rock sucks.
That’s pretty good.
There were 6,000+ comments. More than 10 were funny!
@Lester – yeah, like at least 12!
I noted 27 funny comments but you guys probably have a higher threshold of humour than I.
I guess VKM is teh face GM and Vickie is the heel GM.
Will that mean that VKM can make impromptu tag team matches on the fly?
I dunno. He’s like The Rock only deals with IMPORTANT things. I just want Big Johnny back.
I agree with Big Johnny. Just trying to figure out the importance of random bullying Vickie Guerrero into making face matches…
I like the idea of Miz being behind Shield, but I also liked the idea of Miz being the higher power that Wade Barrett was going on about during the Nexus days, so what do I know?
That the Miz can and should be better than everything he’s doing right now.
The Miz could be the leader of Aces and 8s and it would be better than what he’s doing right now.
I’m also fine with Miz becoming the new Wolverine and joining every group on tv. I want to like him but sometimes he makes it so difficult.
^ this !
Drunk JBL is lucky he got off as easy as he did with the “interspecies romance” thing.
As I said last night, kinda strange how they can fire AW for a Kobe joke, yet THAT goes by mostly unaddressed.
It’s not the first time he’s done it. I bagged on him for dropping it into a Khali match on Raw a few weeks ago.
Can someone explain the difference between heel Vince and face Vince? And why I should cheer face Vince?
Because he’s old. And old people are sweet and a little bit racist.
That video of Del Rio celebrating with his father is the most beautiful thing. :’)
when he kissed him on the head I almost broke in tears !
THE FEELS! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!
SO MANY FEELS.
Also, as sad as this is: we are not who the WWE is booking towards. I might have mentioned that I watched at Hooters last night but I did. And when Punk won the place (with about sixty or seventy people) was dead silent. Except for me and two other jerks cheering loudly. When the Rock won the place exploded and I died a little inside.
That’s why I’m afraid to watch a wrestling ppv in a bar. I think my love of Punk and Damien Sandow wouldn’t go over well with them.
That’s why I’m afraid to watch wrestling in a bar. My tastes in wrestling not lining up with a crowd of angry drunk people is never a safe thing.
Yeah. I went with friends once and I disagree with friends so a bar full of *those guys* would be too much (although Punk is so over in Chicago I’m okay on that front.)
A bar full of Wrestling Bros would be awesome though.
There is ONE way to redeem last night: new Dangerous Alliance with Heyman managing Punk, Brock, the Shield, and Mad-ox in full Beef Mode. Three-way dance for the title at Wrestlemania.
All that gets us is Cena squashing Punk, Brock The Shield and Maddox on the reg.
Unfortunately, Heyman will probably be getting fired by Vince during the “performance review” tonight.
Devil: You know that’s coming though. The only way The Shield doesn’t eventually get buried by Cena is if he’s their leader. Or if they all die before he can get to them.
I was so hoping that Kofi was going put Tensai in a sleeper, knock him out face-first on the ground and crawl over his lifeless dumb body back into the ring.
Pogo-chair sucked.
Very stupid. Could have done much better.
Mars has some pretty strict parking laws
Everything is a red zone. HAAAYYOOOO
The Del Rio video was great. Nice write up Brandon as usual.
Brandon, thank you for doing this. Especially with the Rumble AND Raw.
Brandon – I agree with your sentiment re: The Rock, there were a number of ways to put Rock over without making Punk look stupid but instead they just went with the easy out. I actually would’ve loved the “restart the match” speech, followed by Punk hitting G2S and winning.
The thing is – up until the final 5 minutes of the match, Rock had done a better job of making Punk look good then Cena ever had — and then they just washed it all away. Nobody will remember that Punk dominated like 80% of that match because Rock hit a spinebuster/people’s elbow and Punk was dead.
I get hating on Cena. But Money in the Bank ’11 made Punk into a main eventer on the level of Cena and Orton. Cena made Punk look like a billion dollars that night.
SHough is right, Cena totally made Punk as an in-ring guy.
Arguably, Cena’s only WWE match where he performed as a competent wrestler since his first matches with Angle and Jericho.
Cena has always been competent in-ring performer. Don’t get it twisted. Always.
@ DocZeus, this is where you and I will have to respectfully disagree.
Cena/Umaga is a legit top 10 favorite match ever for me.
Thing is, Cena used to actually wrestle. He just has gotten lazy with his own 5 moves of doom. But when he debuted he was pretty good in ring.
It was just an eh event all round. Never mind Jorn winning the Rumble, even if Ziggler had picked up Ryback, Sheamus and Cena and threw them into the sun it would have been a bad hour or so.
The best Rumbles have some sort of story strand running through it. The closest we got was Ziggler and it was pretty much ignored until the end. The worst Rumbles are always the ones where WWE throw up their hands and go for the “mass of humanity” card.
Rock and Punk put on a pretty damn good match btw
This is all HHH’s fault. This would have all ended much better if Lesnar came out and kicked hte shit out of Rock Bane-style and broke him.
The bright side: I think Punk/Taker has potential to be really awesome. And I would have much rather seen Cena/Ryback at WM. I may be in the minority but I loved Cena/Batista from WM 26 and any chance to recreate that is fun in my book
When they restarted the match I looked over at my friend Doug and sadly said, “putting my smile away for the duration of the PPV”.
“Who wants to read about how much I love The Cat? Because I f**king love The Cat.”
I do. Because, I do too.
Yep. Ms. Kitty was the best…
Wait…
We’re talking about Ernest Miller, aren’t we? He was good too…
My hopes were so high when “Somebody Call My Momma” played during the Rumble but the I remembered Brodus and I died a little inside.
Now HIT MY MUSIC!!
I second/third this, whatever. Ernest Miller was my Royal Rumble surprise entrant prediction somewhere else.
A Brodus/Cat feud would be money.
Did you know that he’s a 3 time world karate champion?
I can’t decide if I’d rather Brandon review vintage, high-quality Nitro or the awful late-stage Nitros.
I think he should alternate.
The “Tigress, touch my belt” references alone would be of the most glorious…
I wish they were doing the whole “figure four and ric flair like” thing with Dolph Ziggler. Hes the new ric flair. The WCW version that gets shit on by hogan version, but ric flair none the less.
I agree, I feel like Ziggler captures the true nature of Flair but in a modern fashion. Miz is more like a modern day Rick Martel… but worse. Yes, worse than Rick Martel.
According to “sources”, Ziggler was supposed to get the Flair push (including possibly being managed by Flair), but for unknown reasons the push was given to Miz instead.
In short, this is why I’m a misanthrope.
Yeah, gotta agree with DevilDinosaur. Of wrestlers from that time, Zigglesworth is much closer to Martel than Flair. And Miz is much more Flair-like, bad Rob Liefeld misinterpretation though he may be.
I can’t be the only one who noticed that the Rock’s spinebusters were horrible, right? He got no lift.
Oh brother… we’re nitpicking the lift on spinebusters now? Yeah, Punk’s flying elbow really sucked too… it was a really entertaining match with a nonsensical ending. Lets just leave it at that.
PUNK SANDBAGGED HIM~
It was just noticeable, that was all.
@Jack – if I was the guy who was basically told 6 months ago that I’d be dropping the belt to a star from yesteryear who only shows up when he has a movie to promote, then I’d sandbag him too. Make the prick earn it.
When can we start getting mad that Daniel Bryan is getting a huge reaction to everything he does yet it looks like he’s still not going to be doing anything interesting during Wrestlemania season? Don’t get me wrong, the Team Hell No stuff has been way more entertaining than it has any right to be but I think it’s about run its course and it looks like they’re just planning on beating that horse dead for the next couple of months.
I guess I’m just disappointed that, after the incredible year that D-Bry has had, it’s probably going to culminate at Mania in either a Team Hell No break-up match (kinda boring) or a 6-minute glorified squash match where they retain or regain the tag belts.
They have to pull the trigger on the break up with the blowoff match at Wrestlemania, right?
The real problem is that DBD is a comedy figure. And ESPECIALLY in the WWE funny doesn’t equal money.
It won’t happen but I would take Daniel Bryan versus ‘Taker at Mania with Kane trying to torn between his brother and his best friend in the world.
I think you can’t get mad. These are the dark months. If he’s still carrying the tag division after Mania then maybe.
Gawd I just had happy flashbacks of D-Bry getting pulled out a chamber last year by The Big Show……… that was such a good run…..
If they do the whole brother vs brother with Cody and Goldust, they can call it the Rhodes to Wrestlemania.
This we demand.
+ 100
Dusty better be the special guest referee!
This was not their first meeting in a Royal Rumble match. The outcome was the same as the first time too, except Goldy only lasted a couple minutes before Cody disposed of him the first time.
I too look forward to watching the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro…
*autotunes to Monday Nitro*
Also, does this mean I get my Mark badge?
Brandon, would you give a best, a worst, or a best/worst for every time Schiavone used the fabled “Greatest Moment In The History of Our Sport” bit?
maybe just keep a running count
After watching this last night, I just felt defeated. I saw it all coming but when it all happened, I still wasn’t ready for it.
I know that feel, bro …
They really need to quit toying with my goddamn heart and bring back Mizark already.
Rumour is he was officially cleared to compete yesterday. Today’s raw could be likely!
Did anyone else notice the Rocky was reading off of cue cards for his ADVERSITY promo?
No. I was busy being INSPIRED.
Then I guess the one adverse challenge he didn’t face was illiteracy.
Unfortunately, Cena was too busy winning the Royal Rumble to point that out…
Rocky’s been reading off cues since he came back for last year’s Wrestlemania
It’s what he spent that seven dollars on.
We muted the TV, and double checked our Rumble scorecards/pool.
wasn’t surprised by that … he has been doing it since his return in 2011 …
Not surprising, but I still loved it because, because Dusty, and because Rocky was so completely unhinged and fumbled through most of it.
I will be fine with Abraham Lincoln as long as it results in a beard off with Daniel Bryan
Raw Roulette should include a death option… I’m hoping for it.
who are your top 10 (if not 10 then at least 5) that you wanna see get that stipulation?
In no particular order : Miz, Kofi Kingston, Santino, Horswoggle, Random Referee. (I would say Lawler but it’s too soon I think and preferably all murders are performed by the Shield)
Best: Cody changing trunks before the Royal Rumble; it honestly looked like when he came out he had just managed to run to the ramp as he pondered whether the blue trunks were too much or if they made his eyes pop that much more.
^^^THIS
(and the blue trunks were fab)
Also the case for Cesaro.
Does Cena or Rock turn heel, or are we in for 8 weeks of them trying to out cool guy each other again? Because I might… and that’s a really big might… be able to get behind the Rock coming out tonight saying wrestling is stupid and he’s taking the belt back to hollywood where all the cool people are.
Followed by a tearful Vince begging Rock, “take me with you!”
NYC is notoriously anti-Cena and pretty pro-Rocky, so I don’t know if they could roll with Rock as the bad guy.
They both turn heel, get extremely confused and just beat each other to death.
That would be a storyline I could get behind. Because two months of Cena getting his Groove back is going to kill me.
We’re going to get at least one night where they take turns hitting their finishers on Punk, because we can’t have nice things.
CM Punk is their Rickety Cricket and they are gonna teabag him until he’s a homeless priest.
When Punk said “You don’t get to win” he was really speaking to all of us.
@Raven totally worth it if we get a scene in a dogpound.
As awesome as a 2003-era Hollywood Rock would be, they won’t turn Rock heel with all of these movies coming out. Cena will be booed out of WM, and it will be glorious.
To be honest, Cena is technically already a heel. If everyone who isn’t a 5 year old hates the guy and boos him, that pretty much makes him a heel.
My favorite part of the show had to be Ricardo’s giddy “EEEEE!” when he saw Bret Hart backstage. Because I would react the same way.
I did react the same way, alone, in my dorm room. I was skyping though so my step-dad was also squeeling with joy.
I can’t believe I only got to tune in for the WWE championship match. Mind you, I don’t mind missing hilarious prop joke antics with the Big Show, but Rhodes vs. Rhodes?? Jericho’s back? Kofi Kingston getting popped in the face for being ridiculous? These were the moments I’ll treasure, captured in gif form.
Seriously, I will take the Rock’s standard issue walk-ins to be “the Champ” if I get a Golddust vs. Cody Rhodes match at Wrestlemania as that whole family has wanted for years.
Brandon, I’m so glad that you keep writing this stuff. Usually when I watch a PPV or a RAW I’d like to know what you thought right away, but since I have to wait for the column, I check out bleacher report first. And then those assholes write stuff like “Why The Rock winning was a good decision!” Because “this business” and “buyrates”.
Why the f*** should we care how many people watch wrestling? Bleacher report makes me wanna bleach bleacher reoports asshole. I’m mad and sad, but fortunately there’s one wrestling writer I can agree with. I probably wouldn’t keep watching wrestling if it wasn’t for the B&W columns.
before I even start reading anything, I just wanna comment to get another badge !
I guess this didn’t work after all … about 10 comments already and no badges ;_:
So, some tidbits of my experience over the Rumble weekend. The last time I saw WWE in Phoenix, it was the MITB match. And, while I know Rumble is one of the biggest spectacles of the year, I didn’t expect the audience came out in droves dressed as all sorts of wonderfully freaky characters. I can’t post pictures, but I think I have most of the good ones on my twitter. Here’s some bullet point highlights of my weekend:
• First off, Funky Warm Medina has to be one of, if not THE, coolest dudes on this site. I had a blast drinking, yelling, and taking photos all over the place. If he’s ever in your neighborhood, please buy him a beer.
• I was a little nervous about the costume, in a very ‘ Am-I-really-gonna-go-through-with this” kind of way. Once I met up with FWM and his buds at the bar, I saw a clown( Doink?), two Alberto Del Rio’s, and a glorious Damien Sandow. The Sandow guy was wonderful, as he stayed in character, had a resplendent robe and towel, and a greasy-ass beard. I asked to take a picture with him, and he agreed, IF I ANSWERED 3 QUESTIONS CORRECTLY. He was awesome. And , for the record, I answered 1) Who won the Rumble last year, 2) Who is the US Champ, and 3) What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. ( The correct answer is ” What do you mean? An African or European swallow”?) Again, pics are on my twittah macheen.
• After the Rumble, I went back to the bar and met one of The Godfather’s ‘hoes’. In Brandon’s picture, she’s in the green dress. her name is Jessica, got hired out of a local modeling agency in Phoenix, blahblahblah. Nice kid. She was totally unaware that she was a ‘hoe’, and it was funny to watch guys hit on her by calling her ‘ one of his lady friends’, or “one of his valets”. Still, she shared what it was like downstairs backstage, and no one really bothered her except for JOHN CENA. The other hoe, or whatever they’re called, found a tattered rag laying on the floor by a garbage can. As Jessica described it, a very large man who talks about eating a lot was flipping the fuck out because he didn’t know where his tattered rag was, as the other hoe had left with it. He fumed and said it was part of his outfit, and Jessica asked ‘why would you leave it on the floor next to a garbage can’? Re-watch the Rumble. Ryback doesn’t come out with his shirt. El-Oh-El.
• I’m a HUGE mark for Jericho. I don’t care what any of you say, I loved him since his racist introducing lucha libre stars bit on WCW, and would love to watch that video over and over out of nostalgia. His shocking return gave me ALL THE FEELS last night. I’ve always wanted to be part of one of the live shows for the huge Jericho surprise-pop, and last night delivered. I was literally 12 years old for a few minutes.
• I caught myself asking why unintelligent women love John Cena. I mean, I know. But how the hell can you NOT spell “U Can’t C ME” on a shirt? Sheesh.
• The little kid next to me was a huge Cena fan, and he fit the demographic. Little 4 year old dude, asked me to pick him up a couple times when people were standing up. Pretty adorable, but I told him he needed to watch more Daniel Bryan.
• Golddust. THANK YOU FOR NOT BEING CARLITO.
• No Shelton Benjamin. I think FWM wanted to see him more than I did, but he would have been a helluva lot better than Khali.
• I’ve seen Punk wrestle, and this being my second time, it really is a treat to see him work live. Maybe I’m a nerd, but what he does when the camera isn’t on him is equally as good as when it is.
• All in all, I had a blast. I took a ton of pics, and some of them popped up earlier today as they wouldn’t send last night. I’m not blocking or protecting any of them, so they should all be up on my twitter, including Jessica The Hoe , Funky Warm Medina getting ankle locked, my take on Wrestlemania sign pointing ( spoiler alert: double birds) and me with Fake Damien Sandow. I’m glad me sucking it up and putting on the costume brought a smile to some faces. A little liquid courage never hurt anyone, except everyone in a Fails Compilation Video. I survived. And I’ll dress up again. Next time I’m going as Bray Wyatt.
I really should re-read my first drafts and correct typos. My bad.
+Rhodes (Both Cody and Dustin)
fantastic work Joelski!
It’s a funny little detail that Godfather’s lady didn’t realize she was a ‘ho.’ It makes me wonder about the really sleazy-looking girls he came out with in the old days: were they told they were playing ‘hos,’ or was that a detail that the casting agent (so to speak) left out?
Thanks for the shout out man! You’re an awesome guy yourself!!
this gave me a good feeling and made me (almost) forget and forgive wwe for this ppv … making the audiance happy is the best !
Awesome summary and thanks so much for dressing up as JSoM. It was definitely one of the highlights of the night.
Was the 4 year old alone? Didn’t he have a parent or guardian to pick him up?
Wish I didn’t live on the East Coast, sounds like wrestle partying with you guys is awesome! I hope someone besides FWM got your costume reference. If not, they will THOON.
I’m right there with you on Jericho man. I paid hella bucks to a “ticket agency” back in the day to be at Jericho’s Y2J debut on Raw and every time the clip appears on air I mark out and yell “I WAS TOTALLY THERE!!!”
Brilliant write-up, Joel. Your pictures are awesome. The Sandow cosplayer and the unknowing Ho and The Ryback storing his important shirt by a rubbish bin are all amazing details I feel richer for knowing.
Chudley- I thinkt he dad threw his back out from lifting the kid up so much, as he was tossin the kid up like pizza dough all night. He had to take pics too, so when the kid asked me, I looked at his dad first and he shrugged and said ‘ Go for it, dude’. Poor little guy got scared by the loud noises though, so Ryback may or may not have made him shit his pants.
Irish- The guy sitting right next to me thought I was nuts, but he found me on twitter and it all made sense to him. XD I should send him here, for sure. Oh, and Jack Swagger just tweeted me. He’th pithed.
Definitely tops my dressing like The Genius in 1989. At a house show, no less. Granted there was no RAW yet and only FOUR Pays Per View a year.
Well, apparently you grew a set before I did, so there’s that. Think of it, you could bust out The Genius costume today with a beard and people would eat it up. I mean, if you played the role while at Rumble this year, you would have definitely been a photo op supreme.
Sounds like awesome times for the Joelski!
Well Garcian hates The Rock, and I don’t mind telling everybody.
Great write-up. I think what partially keeps us coming back to this shit (WWE, I mean) is making fun of it. It’s like the Daily Show’s thing; expose and mock all the bullshit happening out in the open because “What the fuck, people are OKAY with this?”
I still have love for pro-wrestling, in general. I’ll gladly pull up that NWA promo because it really is that amazing. But I’ll come back to the WWE because I’m always hoping for that out-of-the-blue and depressingly brief moment of inspired drama to shine through the muck.
And because of the ridiculousness needs to be confronted.
Thank you Kofi Kingston, as your incompetence allowed me to make Top 10 Comments for the first time. You keep on pogoing that chair.
+1
I hope he chair-pogos for his next match. Like, he spends the entire time in the ring jumping up and down on a chair.
Seeing the Jerhico picture and then reading “Best: Hey look, cool Dad’s back” made some coworkers glance at me cause I was laughing instead of hating my job. Thanks Brandon.
Did no one think Zack Ryder when they saw Jericho’s hair?
I wish Rhodes and Sandow would just wear matching shorts; just men with facial hair wearing extraordinarily pink shorts.
Or how bout Sandow shaving off his stache and just having an Amish beard that way when they combine they have a full set of facial hair.
Oh my god, that blew my mind; they could kiss without too much interference–I mean that would be hilarious.
You must have pages upon pages of erotic bisexual fanfic involving you and Rhodes Scholars.
I feel like Cody’s mustache may be a happy accident, like he tried to grow a beard to match Sandow while he was on the DL, and he realized he couldn’t actually grow anything more than a sweet ‘stache.
The only thing that makes Punk losing paletable will be his promo tonight. I’m hoping he tears everyone down tonight. Rocky, Vinny Mac, THIS BUSINESS, The Shield, The internet, Gabe Saplosky, animal crackers, jesus and Las Vegas.
Oh man, you said it. So much vitriol running through his veins right now, I’m sure. This is the exact position he was in the last time he had a title. It’s a little too reminiscent.
Whoa whoa. There’s never anything bad to say about animal crackers. Not even ever
Animal Crackers ARE LYING TO YOU PEOPLE. THEY ARE COOKIES MASQUERADING AS CRACKERS. WAKE UP!
I always thought that Hell No was going to be short term because of how quickly Rhodes Scholars got their team titantron compared to Hell No (which still doesn’t have one if I remember right.) I don’t even know anymore.
Miz doing the R-Truth dodge emitted a very long, consistent chuckle. It was new, and I liked it.
No love for the throwback single-camera promos from the wrestlers before the Rumble? I was just watching them and pretending their green screen was broken.
^ THIS !!!
+SEARS PHOTO BACKDROP
Can Team Hell No make a spoof of Lethal Weapon? Bryan as Riggs and Kane obviously Murtaugh…..I mean, it’s perfect.
Throw in Doctor Shelby as Leo and I’m sold.
Where were these guys when WrestleMania went Hollywood?
Last night plopped into the toilet the moment Sheamus, Cena and Ryback were the three guys left in the Rumble. God almighty was that sad.
And that’s twice now that Rock got to restart a main event match on his own stupid whim. Bleh.
Yeah, I guess superjorts beats supersinglet every time.
Where can I buy me some superjorts?
You can’t. The outlet mall that sold them exploded with the rest of Krypton.
Wade coming back to eliminate and KO Bo Dallas with his shitty elbow of doom was where things started going off the rails for me.
You know, Ziggles and AJ had a great make oout sess, but I’m kinda disappointed we haven’t got to see some Vicky-Heyman PDA. Weird but somehow enticing.
Train wreck romance.
Just when I think I’m over my Rumble rage I had to go and read this. This will never go away will it.
no, it won’t … but we’re all together in this, bro …
OMG !
I didn’t know about danielle’s fantasie booking of the miz winning it and being the shield’s leader! but I was thinking the same thing too !!!
Is it cool if I stop watching WWE until either A) Neither The Rock or John Cena are champion or B) After Wrestlemania, whichever comes first?
No. You need to get a battle torn scar from the storm that is coming. We all are.
/opens up an umbrella.
So basically after wrestlemania?
And if you stop completely, then you miss out on possibly seeing Bryan/Kane/Sandow/1-3 Rhodes/Cesaro at WM.
Hey I’m the IC Champ now, hooray!
I’m still going to say this here:
Biggest effing worst to the setup and execution inside US Airways Center for having ZERO graphics up that allowed me to know what number entry we were on.
A nearly equal worst to the guy behind me who proclaimed 3MB as “awful” while then standing and applauding Sin Cara.
Although cheering for Punk made the kid next to me glare in seething hatred EVERY time we broke out the Knees 2 Faces chant. Might’ve been worth it.
And thanks Brandon, it wasn’t until I was midway through the Arizona desert heading home where I looked at my friend and went, “Rock is basically David Arquette.”
^ this !!
Anyone else get the impression that they were going to use Richie Steamboat via the Ricky appearance a few weeks ago for the Wade Barrett thing and then just said “screw it” and tossed in Bo Dallas?
That would’ve made too much sense.
wwe doesn’t believe in LOGIC~
I’m a little sad my super triple longshot of Mike Rotunda didn’t pan out with Bo making it in. At least he lasted longer than The Godfather.
cody rhodes was the best thing in the rumble ? TOTALLY AGREED !!! I WAS REALLY THINKING THE SAME ALL RUMBLE LONG ! great minds think alike, don’t they ?
no zach ryder death gif??
WOO WOO WOO! MY FUNERAL!
Just finished the first page but ricrod’s smile in that picture with adr and Bret warmed my heart a little bit
I think Brandon underestimates the power of duct tape.
But I, too, love The Cat. I’d CALL MY MOMMA and read it.
A few thoughts here.
1: The returns were great. Jericho? Goldust? AWESOME. Wrestlemania, if they take advantage, has hope with these guys around.
2: I was fine with Rock’s aping of Dusty’s Hard Times promo, because A: it was nice of him to talk about his mom when so few people know about her role as a promoter, and B: HE WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT PUTTING THINGS UP ASSES OR CALLING PEOPLE SILLY NAMES. Seriously, I will take this Rock all day, even if he liberally borrowed from Dusty.
3: John Cena is the worst, and people will struggle to gain traction until his Superman schtick ends. Eight guys waited for him, and he fought them all off? COME ON, enough of this shit.
4: Hell No will hopefully split by the Chamber, having lost to a deserving team (honestly, I’d take them losing to 3MB, as long as it was done right).
5: Random insertions of Vince authority are weak, and I was NOT happy with the result last night. I thought Rock put Punk over well, wrestled FAR better than Survivor Series or Wrestlemania, and I thought the lights-out thing was a good swerve (although my disappointment at Undertaker not being in the ring was pretty solid). Restarting the match and/or a stripping were both awful. There is no need for Rock/Cena 2, and it means we have two-three months of awful promos to not look forward to.
6: Alberto and Ricardo are just getting better every day, and I love them as faces and hope WWE doesn’t blow this. The thing with Bret Hart….I wanted to be that kid 20 years ago, and Ricardo had to have been genuinely thrilled with that. Lucky bastard.
7: Mark Henry needs to come back and deal with Ryback. That feud would be tremendous, and why is Mark Henry not back yet?
8: Speaking of, where the fuck is Christian?
9: On the whole, my friends and I enjoyed this the most since Extreme Rules, and the people at the bar seemed to have fun too…chants for Ziggler and Orton, boos for Cena, even Big Show fans, it was the biggest crowd I’d seen there, and I’ve been going to it since I moved by it late last spring. That helped a lot too. Feeling like we were almost at the event with all the cheering and chanting was great.
10: FINALLY, I hope Punk doesn’t get buried now. He’s integral, more so than Cena, because Cena is Cena, whether he has a belt or not. Punk helps make that belt matter when Vince has done his best to make belts rank below Superman Cena.
They should’ve brought back Shelton Benjamin and let him do the athletic thing to get back in the ring it would’ve been way better than hopping a chair with fucking wheels on it
Shelton is just as springy as Kofi, if not MORESO, and a fair bit taller, so he might have actually been able to make the jump from the Spanish announce table to the ring apron without hitting the floor.
BEST . COSTUM . EVERRRR !!!
“JSOM” FTW !!!
Thanks, yo!
Yesterday put me in a really crappy mood. Like BStroud, I was more disappointed than straight up angry (even though anger was def the first emotion) that they really went with the simplest, easiest, lamest storyline. Then this morning I found out my credit card number got stolen (the last purchase being the Rumble, so its like the WWE is kicking my dead corpse or something) but this has put a huge smile on my face, so thanks man.
Cody was far and away the best (along with DBry’s sad reaction and pouty “No.”) and “He’s dressed like that and has ladies with him because PARTIES ARE FUN” is how I’m going to explain most episodes of Law & Order: SVU to anyone under the age of 12.
GIANT +RHODES TO JOEL FOR JACK SWAGGER OF MARTH!!
MattSavvy was really confused as to why I freaked out at the Twitter pics of Jack Swagger of Marth… but mostly because he thinks I’m talking to myself on the internet and totally sent Wrestling Bro Xmas cards to myself to make him think I’m not ZiggyLee crazy… Whatevers, my internet friends are real because I say they are… I CAN’T RUN ALL THOSE TWITTER ACCOUNTS I’M ONLY ONE WOMAN DAMMIT…
And serious question: Honestly… do we really believe that video of the angry guy is real? Like.. I hate the people who are always like FAKE!! but… it screams of please oh please let this go viral because wrestling fans are babies who watch baby stuff…
As I said last night, that youtube video is totally fake. The reactions of those involved and the weird little look into the hard camera at the end tips it off.
The guy is also a dick because as if wrestling fans need another asshole like that going viral.
fyeah wrestling bro xmas cards!
Dear MattSavvy: I AM TYLER DURDEN.
Sincerely, MizzusSavvy.
‘CUZ IM THE MIZZUS…AND IM….AWESOME”.
BOOKSAVVY DONE GOOFED AND IS CATFISHING HERSELF, AAAH!
wait, doesn’t that mean I’m a catfish also? or construct? too confusing.
Haven’t finished yet, but that video of the upset guy with the replica belt…that’s motivation right there. Where is my local gym? Hopefully next to a trash dump. I’ve got comics to ditch! (Not really.)
I want Alberto Del Rio to become the Mexican Excellence of Execution. That’d be the bees knees. Bret would be fine with it because ADR is playing a face that Bret could get behind.
It kind of saddens me that I’m not pumped for Jericho returning. What’s the point when he’s only going to be around 3 or 4 months anyway?
I want Ziggler’s vest. That was amazing.
Real talk: For anyone who really remembers the atititude era, imagine the expression of your face if you were able to go back in time to tell yourself that heel Mr. McMahon’s personality would result in him becoming a face in 13 years and the anti-hero who has an issue with authority, a guy who rises up against backstage politics, is anti-drugs and an excellent wrestler is now the heal. What a strange time we live in.
I guess that’s it … I’m leaving now because I got school tomorrow and I didn’t get any badges from here …
Last night’s terrible finishes made me question why I got back into wrestling. Then I read your column today and remembered. Keep up the good work, buddy.
Yeah, the finish was dumb but I like that The Rock won.
Having come in during the Rumble and sharing everyone’s disappointment and anger, this report definitely made up for it.
I don’t know if you’ll see this, but kudos Brandon. Thank you for making last night be a little more tolerable.
Ziggler had a tweet about one of the mystery entrants giving him a present that he’d use in the Rumble.
I assume that was Jericho, jacket enthusiast, who gave Dolph the vest with the spikes. Which was a cool vest, but almost skewered AJ with it when she was trying to make out with him during his entrance.
That is now accepted head canon.
What if ADR did a taco bazooka gimmick for like one match, then it got booed out, but they kept the taco bazooka for another wrestler, or some random Diva, or whoever, and shot tacos every event?
I guess what I’m getting at is “damn you Brandon, I want a taco now”.
Yeah, why is the vegan making me want a taco?
BRB making tacos.
I made tacos, but even they couldn’t fully cheer me up. Watching last night’s Bob’s Burgers and probably AT after this. Hopefully they can cheer me up. (I’ve also got some watermelon, which is always good.)
Forget a jetpack, I want a freaking taco cannon!
Remember the time this show made me quit WWE? Yeah, still doing that.
Thanks Brandon. I think most of the With Leather wrestling fanbase took last night pretty hard, but I’ll always look forward to your reports if not the actual events related to said reports. Today hasn’t been the best day either (mostly not relating to the Rumble, but…), so this cheered me up.
…ah hell, I’ll probably at least lurk around the Raw comments tonight. Watching it might be too hard.
LOLZ at The Rock rant.
Am I the only one who thinks that restarting the math while stupid makes sense? I mean if the lights mysteriously go out during a basketball game and the home teams score had gone up 30 points restarting the game would make sense. So wouldn’t the same thing apply for a wrestling match?
This is a fair point. I think how it went after they restarted it was much worse than actually restarting it.
I had to read this twice, because I kept getting interupted. But I found myself laughing several times, which I really needed after that abortion last night. Side note: my daughter is singing “viva Mexico” over and over for some reason, which is awesome…because, of course it is #winning
Brandon, loved your take, especially the denouement on The Rock. He’s Here, He Hates Queers. get used to it. In the grand scheme of things, I’m glad he and Cena can feud again, because it keeps their brand of crap together, and away from the rest of the show.
I’d read anything about the cat
As nostlogic a goldust match would be I wonder if they’re setting up for kofo rhodes at wm. just to mess with us.
“I love you, babyface Del Rio. Don’t ever be John Cena.”
Funny line but also really good advice to every future wrestling babyface.
so in agreement about the Ziggler and Big E parts
When Rock isn’t being an out and out bigot and he’s just wrestling, I’m reminded why I was such a fan of his. He took a major ass-whipping, and Punk looked important. That finish though. yuck
I was really enjoying the show until Ryback, Sheamus & Cena were the last 3 left in the Rumble. I have no interest in those three guys main eventing things right now especially as babyfaces. The finish of Rock/Punk was just horrible. I’m a huge fan of Punks but I expected Rocky to win and can understand why the WWE would have him win the belt. But the way he got the title was just shitty.
Bret giving rico his glasses was awesome
1. At the risk of turning every response of mine into Cesaro-fluffing, seriously… Has anyone else noticed that he adds 1-2 moves every week? He’s the best thing going right now until D-Bry gets back on his own.
2. Saliva is one of my guilty pleasure bands, but you are not wrong about that song.
3. “BAH GOD! HE’S DRIVING THE GUAC TRUCK TO THE RING!”
4. Well, I think the silver lining of everything terrible is that we are only going to get one terrible match out of it. It could have been Ryback winning the Rumble, getting ready to Fait Accompli the World Heavyweight Champion. Meanwhile, Rock wins at Elimination Chamber and now we have two shitty matches. I don’t know if this is right, but it makes me hate my life less.
5. You are a saint, Brandon. Thanks for the great write-up.
I marked out so hard for Jericho, I think I hurt myself internally.
If we can’t have Alberto Del Chimichanga, I’ll settle for Alberto Del Taco.
i was not a fan from last night. i wish i could have stopped watching the show when punk won the first time – BEFORE the restarted match.
but holy shit chris jericho. how did you fuck up your arm with those shitty tattoos?
The screencap of Ralphie made me burst out in laughter, beautiful set up. I’m pretty sure that’s the feeling of many who were watching at home.
Brandon your not alone.
[www.worldstarhiphop.com]
JBL looks drunk on the reg over on Smackdown! LOL!
lol so true XD
just trying to get another badge (only 3 more to go :D ) !!!
Drunk JBL is possibly the greatest
The problem I have with WWE right now is Mania season.
You get these young guys who are busting a gut every week from May to December trying to get that big shot at the mania card.
And then they roll out HHH, The Rock, Undertaker and all these other part timers for the big show.
Which points at the fact that the young will never get a chance to develop, thus putting the WWE in a late 90′s WCW style cycle of having no good young talent to fill the top spots, because CENA
Didn’t get to see this until this morning, but already made my shitty day a bit better. You’re the man, Stroud.
I think the most shocking thing about the Royal Rumble was when Bo Dallas eliminated Wade Barrett. Bo is a future star in the making, and an even bigger surprise on Raw was when Bo pinned Barrett.
“Maybe in six months when he’s wearing a shirt that says ALBERTO DEL CHIMICHANGA or whatever and he’s using a fire hose to shoot tacos at Big Show while people laugh and clap I’ll throw shade at it, but for now? It just makes me happy.”
Horchata, the fire house would shoot out Horchata.
Ricardo will have a taco cannon
“If you ever needed proof that Rocky reads this column and is a diabolical mastermind determined to destroy my brain from the inside and get away with it, because who would believe the Rock would care about a comedy sports blogger”
Maybe he still remembers the Wrestling Uncensored “incident,” with Mark Henry and Miss Jackie, and has a personal vendetta against all former writers for that site … THE ROCK NEVER FORGETS
that would be so amazing
I was seriously hired at WU the week that happened.
did anyone else notice the guy in the crowd shouting at the rock when punk tossed him outside of the ring in the middle of the match “there’s no shame in walking away now rocky !” ?
Ricardo being adorable as hell made up for pretty much everything else.
The duct-taping of the Big Show wasn’t that egregious. While it was happening Del Rio had the armbar locked in for quite awhile. If Show could’ve made it to the ropes quickly he still would’ve had to pull himself up one-handed most of the way. And duct tape is strong stuff. He may have been able to partially free himself because it was a rushjob, but he still would’ve been in a supremely awkward and vulnerable position tangled in the ropes if he’d managed to get up.
So basically, I look at as hedging their bets in case Show managed to make it back up to his feet after the armbar. If he somehow gets up (a reasonable concern), he’s gonna be stuck in such a compromising position that ADR can freely, and ideally spectacularly brutally, blast away on him with anything Ricardo can pull out from under the ring until there’s nothing left of Show.
It would be the best of days if WWE ever actually hired you. You could be the CM Punk of writers and have to fight the politics to be the top writer and make a difference. Then The Rock could piss on your laptop as you are writing things at the Starbucks cafe, and call you a vagina. And then you could call him out on hating women, changing The Rock, and saving the world.
Brilliant read.
oh hi internet i just came here wanting to refresh my memory about Ziggler’s vest.