Best: Paul Heyman/Phone – Keepin’ It Canon
And now, a special Guest Best from Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling columnist Danielle Matheson:
THAT’S RIGHT. BRANDON IS RUNNING AN INVASION ANGLE IN 2013. LET THAT SINK INTO YOUR BRAIN BITS, RASSLESFANS.
For those who don’t read the Best and Worst of TNA Impact, first let me say that you should. Second, I should tell you that there are a few things that I really, truly love about Hulk Hogan: 1) The Real American music video, because it is amazing, 2) his disapproving angry face, which I hope one day will be etched into my tombstone under the words “That Burrito Was Totally Worth It”, and 3) how absolutely impossible it is for him to use a phone like anyone who has ever used a phone before in their lives. This week, one of these great loves crosses over the big leagues, because WWE is always stealin’ TNA’s great ideas. Note: Dixie Carter paid me to write that sentence.
Were I the shipping sort, I would be writing wrestling fanfiction about a few OTPs: CM Punk/DOC (Luke Gallows) and their cross-brand competition to see who can look more like Grumpy Cat each week, Paul Heyman/Vickie Guerrero (seriously, does no one see this still? THEY ARE SPINNING THE BALL OF ROMANCE ON THEIR FINGERTIPS JUST TAKE IT FROM THEM), and, at long last, the return of Paul E/Phone.
One of the most iconic things about Paul E. Dangerously, besides the fact that the most dangerous thing about him was his skill at financial planning, was his phone. Taking calls, barking orders – an Owner/Executive Producer was near impotent without the most awkward/bulky means of communication this side of Zack Morris’s Klingon War Bird cloaking-equipped cell phone. There is clear precedent for Paul using a phone on television, and given the fact that it is 2013, one would assume he has used one in real life.
When the dauntless Brad Mad-Ox (obviously in his functional resting state outside of BEEF MODE), approaches, dear old Paul is on his phone, presumably calling the WCW hotline for some hot scoops before the big pay-per-view. He tells Mean Gene he’ll have to call him back, which is super weird because those were all pre-recorded, and hangs up. OR DOES HE? Spoiler alert: he does not. I have an iPhone. I know how one works. I know how most phones work. Saying “I’ll call you back” and moving the phone away from your face does not end a call. Sure, you could argue that he’s just waiting for the person on the other end to hang up as well, but we know WCW is gonna bilk you for all you’re worth, and Gene is gonna hint at something tangentially related to Sting until your phone bill is $200 and you’re grounded from watching wrestling for the rest of the month.
A bunch of stuff happens with Brad that I’m sure will lead to other stuff down the road, but that is not the stuff I care about right now – even the part where I’m pretty sure Maddox offered to have sex with Paul Heyman, possibly hinting at the true meaning of BEEF MODE. No no. What I care about is what happens afterwards, which is Paul Heyman calling Gene back.
You know how I just said I have an iPhone, and know how to use one? I am 100% sure that Paul does not. There’s a lock screen to swipe. You have to tap the Phone icon, or at least make sure you are on the keypad screen. You have to press the button with at least some amount of precision. Instead, he wildly taps on the screen eight times, then mumble-mouths some words into it. Seriously, it is the child (or possibly drunk Adult Danielle) equivalent of grabbing a banana, mashing your fingers into it a bunch of times shouting BLEEP BLOOP BEEP BLORP then pretending to have a conversation and it is AMAZING. It is a careless moment of forgetful acting and it was the best part of Raw that didn’t include hugs or Paul eye-banging Eddie’s widow.
Please never stop having a phone on my television again, Paul E, because now that it’s back, I will go down with this ship.
Worst: I Miss You Already, Eve Torres
Fun fact: Alicia Fox still exists.
I’m not in panic mode about the “new” Divas division yet, but Kaitlyn going back to Diva basics with Alicia Fox while Tamina sets up a feud by LOOKING ON~ was … not a step forward. If Tamina wins a #1 contenders battle royal for a shot at Kaitlyn at the Royal Rumble, we know we’re in for six more weeks of Diva winter.
I’m so mad at Eve. I mentioned her “pulling a Batista” last week (sucking forever, then leaving as soon as she got good), but it’s more than that. It wasn’t that she was getting good, it’s that she was getting SO good that she was starting to elevate the division itself. She was making the matches interesting, even when the wrestling was bad. Now that she’s gone, the other girls are just kinda doing jumping clotheslines at each other, and they lost the one lady who had a legitimate character going for her as their hook. Paige, Sara Del Rey and anybody else in FCW/NXT who is better than Aksana need to show up ASAP and get something going. Here’s an idea: put them all in one bad girl stable and call them the SEXUS. Slogan: YOU EITHER WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH US, OR YOU’RE AGAINST US. It’s shitty to women, sure, but at least you’d have a bunch of good wrestlers up, and also THE NEXUS.
Worst: The Rock Is Exactly Like Martin Luther King, Jr.
First thing: Notice how quickly The Rock showed up to interrupt when Paul Heyman mentioned that he’s stupid. That was pretty much the “Alberto Del Rio rents the cars he drives” statement of The Rock’s character arc. A MAGICIAN NEVER REVEALS HIS SECRETS, PAUL.
Second thing: The Rock is a pretty terrible guy if he cost that police officer his job AND his ticket to Raw. God, there’s so much about that backstage stuff I didn’t even mention, like why the police officer who bought tickets to Raw would be the one brought in to police Raw, instead of, I don’t know, being off to go to Raw with his family. Does the San Jose Police Department only have three cops? In the WWE Universe is every police officer in America an independent wrestler hoping to make it in WWE, which is why they’re always so quick to show up and do whatever anybody says? And while I’m thinking about it, how bad was it that Vickie Guerrero had to build tension with the cops by saying she’d “talked to their supervisor” and that they’d be in big trouble if they didn’t listen to her? How horrible are WWE’s writers if they think being the managing supervisor of Raw also gives you POWER OVER POLICEMEN WHO HAPPEN TO BE AT RAW.
Third thing: Rock seriously, seriously compared himself to Martin Luther King, Jr. I can’t. I just can’t with this guy. All I can think of now is yesterday’s Daily Show segment where Larry Wilmore explained why people should stop using MLK to further their dumb agendas, be it gun control or SHOWING UP FROM YOUR MOVIE SHOOT TO DEMAND A TITLE SHOT.
Rock name-checking Dr. King is so ridiculously f**king stupid that I’m not even going to complain about it. You are the worst, and if I was writing Raw, Punk’s response would’ve been, “I’m just like Mahatma Gandhi, I’m gonna KICK YOUR ASS!”
Best: The Shield Rights The Injustice Of Rocky Being A Delusional Butthole
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but The Shield works for me. Have they mentioned that on TV yet? Yeah, I’ve got this weird anger meter, and when it fills all the way up, The Shield shows up and beats up whatever was making me mad. I can choose between that, or firing a laser.
Anyway, yes, my favorite moment on Raw was The Rock going I’M JUST LIKE THAT BITCH ROSA PARKS, SHE WAS A TITS-HAVING BITCH BUT SHE DID A GOOD THING, AND I’M GONNA DO A GOOD THING AT ROYAL RUMBLE AND WHIP THAT CANDY ASS or whatever and just getting taken to the woodshed by The Shield. A supplementary Best goes to Rock for bringing The Attitude Era back with a little Ken Shamrock-style “internal bleeding.” I just wish Jerry Lawler had started crying, and said “If Martin Luther King Jr. was alive today, he would NOT cheer for The Shield!”
Worst: If Vince Can Personally Strip CM Punk At The Royal Rumble Via Un-agreed-upon Stipulations, Why Can’t He Just Strip Him Now (Or At Money In The Bank 2 Years Ago) And Do Whatever He Wants?
I mean, honestly. When Vince was feuding with Austin, the idea was that Austin was this huge moneymaking, popular guy, and that even though Vince hated his guts and wanted him gone, he couldn’t afford to just fire him or making him quit, so he f**ked with him and made him miserable. What’s the hook if Vince is doing that to a heel? If Punk isn’t popular, is bogarting the company’s top prize with cheap tactics and attacks and is jeopardizing the success of your show by indirectly keeping guys like The Rock away from your show, why not just strip him and fire him? If you think he’s a 200 pound fry cook, fire him and replace him with Chuck Palumbo. That guy’s tall, has muscles AND throws a great clothesline.
If you’re going to play fair, play fair and don’t add stipulations to everything to passive-aggressively get what you want. If you believe that RAW SHOULD BE UNPREDICTABLE, LET’S SHAKE THINGS UP shit you say every few years (and said when you made AJ general manager), what’s your problem with this ONE GUY doing it? Are you a good guy, or a bad guy, or a write-yourself-out-of-a-corner/create-phony-tension-at-the-last-minute Deus Ex Machina or what?
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THIS IS HOWW WE DOOO IIiiIIIITTT
seriously.. great song, but how many times did we hear that last night?!
I’m surprised some of the ads weren’t mentioned in the report, purely out of spite. Some of the segments on RAW were really bad last night, yes, but I was ready to jump right back into wacky Rock talk the moment the Jackson Hewitt ad played for the 20th time within the past two hours. Just a brutal package of commercials last night.
I also don’t think MLK would have approved of the Golden Corral ad.
Kaitlyn should start using it as her theme music.
/insert crotchchop
Yay, go time! Blood drool is probably better than blood stool.
I’d really love to go to NPWD, but alas, I am poor and traveling is expensive & hard. So unless someone’s driving a long, long way to get there & wants to pass through IL and pick me up along the way, I won’t be making it out that way until King of Trios, if I’m lucky. :(
Danielle’s phone rant tho.
haha I know, right
Also, this isn’t mine, I think I just saw it in the open thread (or possibly twitter), but someone called them something to the effect of Zigg E. Lee. I quite liked that one.
Instead of embedding The Rock’s promo, you put the Kaitlyn-Alicia match in again.
I’m going to assume this was on purpose and just thank you for it.
I love your “Sexus” suggestion, but as I said in the Live Thread last night, I’d prefer them to be called “The She-ild”
Ha, I missed that, that’s a good one.
Ren & Stimpy FTW–Is it ok if I just replayed that clip every time instead of watching the actual clips?
After CM Punk destroyed Bruno, I doubt he ever says yes.
Not if Billy Graham has something to say about it.
Biggler Lee
The theme for today’s B&W was….Chuck Palumbo???
I believe the most common name used for the Ziggler coalition last night was Zigg E Lee
It appears I made the right choice in muting Cena. Brandon, I don’t know how you do it every week.
Why isn’t there commentary on the CM Punk promo from last night? Did I get a different copy of the show from everyone else, or am dead/hallucinating/all of the above?
because I had Literally nothing to say about it. He just said he was the champion a bunch. I dunno.
That’s actually fine, I was just kind of surprised to not see it mentioned and thought I had briefly fallen into some kind of alternate universe where 7 minutes of raw was not god-awful.
Punk sure walked a dangerous line when he told that Rock that his freedom is going to cost him. At least he caught himself and quickly changed the topic before getting in really, really big trouble
@Thatsamare I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed that. Felt really awkward, especially considering what day it was.
Well, he is a heel…
On why it took them so long with Backlund, I want to say Jim Ross has said that Backlund has turned the invite down before because he felt he had one more run left in him.
I hope that’s true, because that would be right up there as far as amazing Bob Backlund anecdotes go.
I’d love to see Backlund get a short run
Plus dude wrestled in MF’in Battlarts. He’s near the top of WWE HOF’ers in my eyes.
Big LerLee-n, and they can come out to a new version of “no one understands you, but I do”. It’s wwe, so the song will be in nu-metal or dubstep, but still.
ZigleE Dolphston
I picked the right episode to skip it seems.
Big Zaj
“Worst: I Miss You Already, Eve Torres”
THIS.
“Fun fact: Alicia Fox still exists.”
You really are bad at Fun Facts, huh? :)
Alex, thank god you’re ok
Taking it a day at a time. Baby steps.
Do they have meetings for this Alex*? Eveaholics Anonymous or something?
I tweeted a picture of my JSoM helmet earlier, but I just tried on the jumpsuit and HOLY FUCK PARTY CITY ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A 2XL FOR ADULTS NOT TODDLERS.
Anyways, I dunno if it’ll let put the link up, but I’ll try. And, I’ll find a goddamned jumpsuit that fits me before Saturday.
[24.media.tumblr.com]
This helmet is awesome. I hope you find a jumpsuit that works out for you, I’d love to see pictures.
I’m so excited for this, it makes me wonder what I really value in life.
That’s a Kubrick-esque picture right there.
Hmm, maybe Swagger is the Star Child? (Or the “Thar Child” as he’d say it?)
It’s Billy Prince Bonnie? I HAD THE NAMES REVERSED LAST NIGHT ON MY REFERENCE
No, I am shoot dyslexic sometimes and typo-inverted it.
Also, I seriously thought I was the only person who would make that joke. Sorry for accidentally stealing your gag, guy.
Also, did Danielle throw in a “drunk dial to Britta” reference, or is it just my imagination
If you think there’s a vague Community reference in anything I write, you are probably right.
Being a big Chuck Palumbo fan, this article was aces!
The AJ-Team (Zigs is Faceman, Big E. is B.A., and AJ is simultaneously Hannibal and Howlin’ Mad Murdoch).
It’s times like these that I wish they’d bring Swagger back to be Ziggler’s best rasslin pal, so that he could fill the Hannibal role. I would LOVE to hear him explain his plans (explain hith planth) for getting Vickie back for leaving them out in the cold.
I used to want my tombstone to read “Heart attacks don’t feel like this, ” but ” That burrito was totally worth it” is climbing the ranks fast.
Ziggler stable names:
Two men and a Little Lady
Team College Brochure Photo
And Big E Makes Three
Biggie Falls ft. A.J.
I’ll have to think of more over dinner.
“Biggie Falls” is such a good name for them as a tag team.
Your Bonnie Prince Billy reference worked for me, too. As did your multiple Chuck Palumbo references.
I got “Lang Lee”, but can’t think of a way to put Ziggles in it.
It works best of you pretend they are directing Big E as the Hulk.
Zig’s is Mr. Money in the Bank, so Mr. Lang Lee?
black, white, and asian… Team Panda Express
I so want to see Kane cut the same promo as Stimpy.
BigZigLee
As always, good report Brandon. Always worth reading every week.
The ‘Beat The Clock’ matches always going to commercial bugged me dearly last night, mostly because not only does it reaffirm that current WWE management could honestly not care any less about “wrestling”, but because a better production/writing team would have paced the matches/promos last night so everything didn’t always go to commercial mid-match. It just comes off as incredibly lazy.
As someone who works in media, this seems obvious to me, but maybe it’s not to everybody: a show should be programmed to make people want to stick around during the commercials. So putting them in the middle of the match *so people will sit through them to see how the match ends* is exactly how it should be done. From a producers’ standpoint, if not a fan’s.
I should add, however, that I agree it totally destroys the suspension of disbelief in a Beat the Clock match.
When MILLIONS OF DOLLARS interrupted Cena last night I was sooooo pumped. For like half a second I thought they were going to end the show.. man was I disappointed.
So considering VKM made such a big deal about potentially stripping Punk if the Shield interferes, can we come to the reasonable conclusion that Brock Lesnar will show up and interfere instead? After all, he was very specific in saying the title would be stripped if THE SHIELD interfered, not if ANYONE interfered. This sets up Rock/Brock for Mania, lets Cena win the Rumble (at which point he will challenge Ziggler who will at some point cash in on ADR and win the strap) and allows Punk to challenge ‘Taker, streak vs. streak.
I need to stop thinking about this stuff so much.
This would make so much sense and be pretty awesome in it’s own right.
if I remember right, he actually said he would strip Punk, if Punk interfered. I remember he botched the line and I snickered a bit. However, the fact that he didn’t just say the title would change hands on a DQ leads me to believe someone else will interfere too.
I’ve gotten excited about Brock showing up every PPV since Hell in a Cell. I’m not going to get my hopes up until he’s standing in the ring.
If we were lucky enough to see Taker vs Punk in a Streak vs Streak match… would they actually let Punk win it? Considering the great/amazing/best-ever HHH couldn’t do it….
Brandon, I think Brock and/or Taker would have to show up at RR to give proper buildup to Mania. If Brock shows up and costs the Rock the match, then the next night Punk comes out and cuts a promo about how “he is unstoppable, there is no competition left, etc.”, it’s the perfect time for Taker to show up and challenge him.
Plus, Brock/Rock makes so much more sense as a Mania marquee match, because it’s two huge celebrities fighting for nothing, really. I think WWE learned from last year when they had Rocky beat the company’s current top guy in Cena that it didn’t help their current product at all. This way, you get all your “stunt casting” in one huge match and it still allows your current, full-time roster (minus Taker) to grow and develop consistent storylines.
I honestly just can’t see them putting the belt on the Rock this weekend. I mean, what would be the point? He can’t be an active champion. If they gave it to him, it’s a forgone conclusion he’d drop it back at Mania, and the WWE never wants to go the predictable route for stuff like that.
You’re going to get a CM Punk / Undertaker at Wrestlemania
He’s going to win. Cena is going to win the rumble. Rock / Cena 2 for the championship at Wrestlemania. How hard is this to understand?
So I absolutely love reading each week’s B&Ws for Raw and TNA, but could you guys run these columns through Word or something? Every week, the columns are filled with typos and misspelled words.
I really hope you got to the Jack Swagger part and were like, ARGH THIS IS ALL WRONG
@ Brandon, lol
How about Un-E-Leeph-able?
I’ll show myself out.
Great write-up as always, Brandon!
I am super anxious for the Royal Rumble. It’s easy to assume the worst, but I’m still hopeful. Call it careless optimism.
I probably will buy the PPV. I’m interested if they are going to do the obvious or if they are smarter than they look.
1) Daniel Bryan’s hair was awesome and he reminded me of the creepy old guy from Home Alone.
2) Ever since Dean Ambrose’s de-evolved over the last month or so, I was kinda hoping they would build a story line where he was starting to become paranoid about shirts, and just shirts. Like he still wears vest, jackets, and eventually crazy overcoats, but never an actually shirt to cover his whole upper body, maybe just wearing an Aladding like tiny vest. But wait, this brings him into some epic rivalry with Randy Orton; Shirts vs. Pants. Both fight over the evilness of their hated article of clothing; at Wrestlemania they have a match (again Shirts vs Pants) and whoever loses has to put on their missing article of clothing. Obviously in this situation, Randy Orton loses and is forced to wear pants for the first time ever and summarily breaks his leg trying to figure out how to move his legs in trousers.
*Dean Ambrose’s sleeves.
I would pay all of the money I have to see that.
fucking slacks, how do they work?!
And agreed with Danielle, that feud needs to happen.
why can’t I make this for real in the story making mode in any of wwe’s video games?!
AJ/Ziggler/Langston team? Neapolitan
Z’s Company. Or CompanE since we know WWE loves edgy misspellings.
Zigg E. Leestrom
Hold Everything!
Everybody loves The Dazzler!: [www.tout.com]
If the thing with Kane doesn’t work out, I’d love to see The Dazzler and Fandangoo get a run with the belts.
FANDAZZLER.
DAZZAGOO
“THEY ARE SPINNING THE BALL OF ROMANCE ON THEIR FINGERTIPS JUST TAKE IT FROM THEM”
It’s been a while since I’ve felt the need to stand up and walk away from my monitor to properly laugh at something. Amazing.
WWE thinks the Generals are due.
That beat the clock match was fixed. They were using a freakin’ ladder, for gods sake.
I’ve got 10 grand on the tenor tonight.
I actually made a joke about thinking Heath Slater had a chance against Ryback similar to the Globetrotters reference.
It is always fun getting a top 10 comment in, but it usually feels like the 5th funniest thing I said.
Thus ends the lamest whine of my life.
When you’re talking about Mordecai, are you referring to Kevin Fertig or the anthropomorphic blue jay? Because I’m thinking if Team Hell No breaks up, Team OOOOOOHH would be an awesome replacement.
+ GUUUUYS NIIIIIIGHT!!!
Zig-e-Lee.
Nevermind. Philip Rosenbaum already claimed this name.
So it’s super frustrating to watch Rock (and Cena and Sheamus) keep pulling their crap and getting cheered but then I discovered that if you just imagine that everyone in the crowd is Judge Snyder from The Simpsons going “Boys will be boys” continually it makes way more sense. That being said, just once I want a crowd that’s filled with Judge Harms…
Wait until the night after Wrestlemania
E-Z Company.
ABZ – Cause they all have nice abs.
ZABE – Like BABE, but like not even.
B-A-Ztar – Fits Zigglers “born to be a star” persona, involves the first letter of Big E and AJ, and we like making Be A Star references
BAZINGA – Topical Big Bang Theory reference, again weakly meets the criteria of using a B an A and a Z, and every time they show up I’m like “BA-MOTHERFUCKING-ZINGA!”
Big EZ – Big E and Z for Ziggler. AJ is a hoeski, therefore EZ means “easy” which applies to her. I completely denounce this and do not support this name in any way.
CrAZ-E – I probably don’t need to explain this one.
BIG AZZ – Big from Big E, A from AJ, ZZ from Ziggler and also Brazzers which is a popular porn site or something
Okay I’m out of ideas. Back to the drawing board.
“or something”…. right… hahaha.
The Bejazzlers.
D-olph Z-iggler A-J L-ee B-ig E-. L-angston
DZALBEL
BDAZLLE
..I thought I had something for a second, but it seems like all I did was kill off a lot of brain cells. @_@
*countdown music starts*
I could get behind BEDAZZLE.
But then they’d have to get DBry to join them. Yes, I’m posting it again! [www.tout.com]
Worst: Many Withleatherheads getting upset that the Rock was in the ring doing his thing for about 10 minutes. This is why we can’t have nice things, people! You cannot complain the Rock takes too much TV time for years only to dismissively wank when he doesn’t eat up 30 minutes. Not only was the baby talk dialed back and significantly reduced to about a minute when he was in the ring, but the Rock cut his segment by 20 minutes. He also got serious and he put Punk and the Shield over. It was a solid segment for the Rock.
For shame to those who were upset by the lack of Rock time and got really serious. FOR SHAMMMMMMME!
Now that I got off my high horse, I will look at that youtube video of Vica Kerekes over at Warming Glow because HNNNNGH!!!! I will return, and read what I will assume be another fantastic B&W from Brandon.
Who complained he wasn’t on long enough? Was it an actual straw man?
@burgermike, I believe his name was S. Traw Strawingman.
I’m glad you’re finally on the “Daniel Bryan is better than this” train, Brandon.
“It would’ve been so great if an usher had stopped Rock at the bottom of the ramp and been all, “I need to see your ticket,” and Rock had to walk back up the ramp and try to figure out where he dropped it”
God, I love this.
AJ and Ziggler are officially Team Rocket now, everyone.
proof: oi47.tinypic.com/2hrhkzs.jpg
oh god, did you make that? If so, how hard can I steal it
Lester you beautiful genius you. Amazeballs.
Yeah, I spent way too much of my afternoon making it.
You can steal it so fucking hard.
wow… you win
Standing Ovation.
It is so beautiful. I never want to look away from it.
I’m showing this to everyone I know. Hope you don’t mind.
Well, I was gonna go with E-Z A, since it fits Dolph’s personality of being the best without really trying…but fuck it, there’s no point, because Team Rocket wins, and that Photoshop is EASILY the best thing ever, both in content and execution. Wow.
I give it an easy A. /full circle
I swear, I just made a ZigglyPuff joke post earlier without having seen this pic. Your post is obviously way more creative than my brain fart of a thought.
This. Is. Awesome.
Incredible
I logged on just to comment that your picture is beautiful. I don’t care that this is an old thread and nobody will read this. I am going to imagine them doing the Team Rocket motto for the next few days, and I will get weird, scared looks when I get to Langston ending it with “Big E! That’s right!”
Big-A-Lee-Ziggally
A-Biggalow J-Ziggalow
Team Army General Big E. Lee of the Dolphederate States of Zigmerica.
aka
TAGBELDSZ
Just like MLK I wish the Rock’s career had ended in Memphis
I don’t know how you’d pronounce it, but I like ajEdz.
If we’re pointing out their multi-culturedness (Perfectly cromulent word) you could go with The Rainbow Connection. But I like that better for a male stable as the Rain-Bro Connection.
I also like Pale Moon and the Darkness, but that works better for a tag team than a trio.
If they got a redheaded ladyfriend for Big E they could be The Fresh Beat(Down) Band. But I’m wagering nobody will get that reference.
I just hope the stable doesn’t add two more guys so that some awful face can bust out a Four Whore’s Men joke.
How about E-Z Lee?
If Kane and Bryan do split it should be over Kane being retired after getting worked over by someone like The Shield and that causing Daniel Bryan to snap and got on a shoot wrestling rampage to avenge him — thus avoiding the tag team feud all together.
A.J. ZiggLang
A.E. ZiggLee (Hey, AJ’s worth two spots in the team name.)
I thought Daniel Bryan looked more like Rasputin.
[media.npr.org]
Can we stop with the initials and/or combinations of name fragmen ts? If it doesn’t have a joke or other reference in it, there’s no point. At that rate you might as well suggest c6#Hw.
If they’re ever in New Orleans they can be The Big Lee Z
Come to think of it, I can’t think of a single song more fitting for Team Hell No’s entrance music than all four minutes and fifty seconds of “I See A Darkness”.
page 4 done and TWO chuck palumbo references? what universe am I in?
I see stimpy doing his best bob backlund
“If a guy like Cena or Sheamus calls Heath Slater a fag or poops in a Mexican guy’s car because he ate too many burritos and they get MAX LAFFS from the crowd for it, that’s awful”
No it’s not awful it’s perfectly socially acceptable. especially for the majority of wwe fans. A small minority of fans who enjoy indie wrestling and the history of the sport mean nothing to the millions of miller lite drinking 2.5 kid having money spending social consertive money spending fan base. People think making fun of the Mexican is fun because he makes fun of them. And if you need to play dirty to win (which is ok) you do. You can be the hero and be the douche bag if you have majority support
Lot to hate in this post.
I’m really not sure what independent wrestling and the history of the sport has to do with John Cena calling Heath Slater a fag, but … all right.
When the masses approve it makes awful things okay…..which is why we still have slavery and women can’t vote……right?
The point is cena can be the hero that spews misogyny and it’s ok because the majority thinks it. And the majority isn’t going to be interested in chikara or R.O.H. Or any other (while more interesting) less mainstream acts. Yes they’re good and yes wwe could stand to learn from them but they won’t.
@burgermike when the masses approve awful things those awful things become socially acceptable. Eventually society learns and evolves past those awful things. I’m not advocating the behavior I’m simply offering my opinion as to why things remain the same. I think the rock is an ass and cena is overhyped. But that opinion is in the minority and doesn’t count for anything anywhere really except here.
But wrestling generally isn’t socially acceptable, and stuff like that is a main reason why. Go up to random people and start talking about either Breaking Bad or WWE. Both feature assholes as leads, but only one of them won’t get you shunned as a weirdo. (Or any more of a weirdo than a person who starts random conversations with strangers about tv shows)
Wrestling will always be disdained in some quarters for its long history of misrepresenting itself as a legitimate competition, but if they told good stories and got off the socially backward bus, much of the social stigma of it would fade away.
What does Ring of Honor have to do with The Rock being an ass? I have watched two RoH matches in my life and I still hate his character.
And your defense of why it is okay to celebrate awful things is just stupid and devoid of any logic.
My defense is simple. Awful things become ok if enough people think they are. They’re still awful just accepted
Circular logic won’t get you many +1s around here, pal.
You keep using the word “acceptable.” I do not think it means what you think it means.
E.Z. RideHer
Stephen King’s The Lang-o-Lee-Ers.
Bonnie Prince Billy talk, a well deployed Ren & Stimpy connection, a Danielle appearance. As always, this column is a work of art.
AJ Lee & The Big Ziggle.
Call them LeEggler.
AJ/Ziggler/Big E name suggestions:
The Wrestling Rainbow
The Devil’s Threesome
Super Best Friends
Sexy Show Muscle or Sexy Ass Muscle
Oh, I almost forgot this one:
Two guys, a girl and a wrestling ring
/shows self out
I was trying to come up with a Two Guys and a Girl joke but couldn’t make it work, either. Kudos for trying.
Two Guys, a Girl, and a Briefcase?
It looks like they’ve announced that Cesaro will defend his title against the Miz on the freaking pre show. Disappointing. I would say it gives me hope for Cesaro retaining, but I know he won the title on a pre show, so I guess title changes can happen on YouTube.
I know it’s been suggested many times before, but I still think they should officially sanction Ryder’s “Internet Championship” and have it defended exclusively on youtube pre-shows.
I love this idea, Lester. It gives people a reason to watch the YouTube pre-show every single month. “Hey, a championship belt is being defended EXCLUSIVELY on YouTube, gotta watch that.”
It also gives the low card guys something to fight for, a foot in the door belt if you will, that they haven’t had since the European Championship was unified.
So, this is an admittedly terrible nickname but I love it. Brandon said that Leeler and Leegler were out because they don’t include Big E. But, if you type the nickname as LeEler or preferably LeEgler, the Big E is once again included because one of the E’s is big. Like I said terrible and basically a pun that only exists in type but, goddammit that is why I love it.
I **knew** as soon as Paul E. did his finger punch into the iPhone, we’d have a cross-over from this Best and Worst and TNA Best and Worst. (Also, long time reader…finally had to start commenting.)
As someone who frequently watches Face/Off because obvious reasons, your comments are clearly appreciated. Welcome!
CASTOR TROY!!!!!
in regards to backlund’s wikipedia picture, it’s been a proven fact that any celebrity with a wikipedia page has a shitty photograph on there. backlund just bucked that trend. A+ photo.
It’s a great picture, but I get a Pee Wee Herman vibe off of it.
I don’t have a name for Big E and Six-Pack, but I know that the Miz’s finisher is the Figure Ampersand.
The Teddy Long part at the end of JSOM this week took my smile and made it a full-on laughing fit. Because I could totally see that happening.
It’s way too esoteric to catch on, but you could call Ziggler and crew The Lost Generation, after The Sun Also Rises. A.J. makes a fantastic Brett Ashley. Cena fits pretty well as Robert Cohn. Big E could be her Jake, the only man she really trusts, and Ziggler is the dashing and athletic Romero who will ultimately leave her to pursue his career.
And Daniel Bryan as her fiancé Mike. This works better than I even thought when I first had the idea.
For those who haven’t read it, The Sun Also Rises is the story of Brett Ashley, (A.J.) a rather promiscuous divorcee and her love affairs in 1920s Europe.
It’s told from the perspective of Jake, (Big E) who loves Brett, but can’t sleep with her because war wounds have left him impotent. This works in WWE terms because interracial relationships in WWE are only ever for comedic purposes. The lack of sexual activity between them leaves Jake as the only man Brett really trusts. She calls on him whenever she’s in trouble.
Brett has a fiancé, Mike, (DBry) who is not really central to the story other than as another example of Brett’s promiscuity and trust issues with men, since she’s repeatedly cheating on him. (A.J. betrayed DBry at the altar, etc.)
One of the men she has an affair with is Robert. (Cena) To Brett, their dalliance is just a fling, but he becomes very possessive of her, to the point of starting fights with the other men in her life. (I think it’s pretty obvious how that fits Cena.)
Lastly there’s Romero, (Ziggler) the handsome star bullfighter seduced by Brett, and attacked by Robert, who ultimately leaves Brett stranded alone in a hotel to go back to his career. Brett calls Jake to rescue her, and decides to go back to Mike, and the book ends with her and Jake talking about what might have been between them.
In WWE that translates to A.J. going back to DBry, with Big E still as her valet, always ready to bail her out of trouble.
The Lost Generation was the term Hemingway used to describe the kind of people the book was based on: people who were still young, but had served in or been greatly affected by WWI. The dissolute no-longer young trying to cope with the horrors they’d witnessed.
Excellent. (And I haven’t read it, so thanks for explaining it all.)
And here I was thinking I was the only person here who read books that didn’t have pictures in them! I like the comparison and agree with you, shabby. Good call.
It may be a mistake to assume nobody here reads because they don’t reference Hemingway on a wrestling blog.
Cool post, shabbydude!
As my wallet can attest, I love books with pictures on them, but I also love Hemingway references, so +1 for bringing some lit in to a wrestling article.
When I got to “The Lost Generation” I thought: “This can’t be a Hemingway reference, can it?”
It was.
This is so good it should make next week’s Top 10 comments.
When Paul pulls shit like that, I think it’s just a sign to let us know that he’s fucking with us.
2 Guys, A Girl and A Breifcase.
The Zigglettes
Thanks for the link to the The RSPW Awards. Good article as usual, I’m still laughing at the idea of Ziggler, AJ & Big E doing weird promos and skits for a weird Miami Vice/SES gimmick.
Brandon, I think you’re a little too mean spirited and obnoxious with some of these guys.
I get you don’t like The Rock (he’s my all-time favorite so obviously we’re both gonna have biased slants), but I didn’t see him “comparing” himself to MLK as much as he was applying MLK’s speech to the current circumstance in Punk’s title reign. He wants to “free” the WWE Universe from Punk’s stranglehold on the title. And the people want it, hence why Punk keeps shitting on the people, and Rock keeps pandering to them, because he’s the People’s Champion. I think you take the whole thing way too seriously and personally.
Writing “HAHAHAHAHAHAH” for an entire paragraph in response to Ryder is the kind of obnoxious thing I’m getting at. It’s just dumb, in my opinion.
But hey, you’re the one with a giant following and getting paid to write, and I’m just another smark living in a basement, so what do I know?
To my credit, if I didn’t take it as seriously as I do, I’d just be another dude posting show results.
Stuff like the Ryder paragraph plays to the regular readers, and is a callback to the Kofi joke from a couple of weeks ago. Whether or not you think it’s obnoxious, it’s also my actual response to the match, and that’s the point of the column.
Fair enough, thanks for responding.
Would Dolph’s Pokemon name be Zigglypuff?
God help me I’m ending up on the Top 10 comments one of these days.
Bit hard to do while on the west coast, but it’s possible!
This ship may have already sailed but I still want to get in on it – 1. Big E Leegler 2. Zig E Leeston 3. Zig E Smalls 4. Team Friendship (still kind of sour this one didn’t go to Kane and Daniel Bryan, plus Creative seems to not be able to name a tag team anymore without sticking “Team” at the beginning) 5. A-Dolph Biggler (because Nazis) 6. Lee-loo Dolphas mult-E-pass 7. Big Time Timmy-Jim 8. A Guy, A Girl and a Pizza Face
+1 for Adolph Biggler
Liked the write up as always, love the follow up.
FACT: E is the fifth letter in the alphabet.
Yeah, after Ryder’s big world-changing thing being an actual music video called “hoeski” that continues the same awfulness and now expands the awful-enough-already hoeski definition to “a girl who I thought liked me but didn’t”, I’m done with the dude.
Possible stable names for aj, dolph n big E: “So Damn Big” (for shits n giggles) “Zig N’ Big”
“The Show Stealers”
[twitter.com]
B-T-Dubs, the official Jack Swagger of Mars twitter account is now up.
Don’t forget to hit the follow button :)
The Best of The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/21/13: Royal Rumble Is Going To Be A Slobberknocker:
I just wish Jerry Lawler had started crying, and said “If Martin Luther King Jr. was alive today, he would NOT cheer for The Shield!”
Good stuff.
How bout “ZiggaPLeesE!”
BlackieChan, staying in character.
Cops being played by INDY wrestlers should not lead to 7 bullet points. We get it. You don’t like the Rock.
I have no clever name ideas, so I’ll suggest some random crap from left field.
Shedynasty
Juicy Fruit
Zoobilee Zoom
Diabetic Cat
The Angry Byrdz
American Males, American Males, American Males, American Males, feat. AJ
My suggestion for Zigglerous Alliance is Team One World. “Team” because it’s mandatory and “One World” because [en.wikipedia.org]
I also assume that Dolph and AJ will be adopting additional NXT graduates as space permits.
You keep using the word acceptable. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Half the links in this article don’t work. If you are going to make me click through seven pages, please make sure all of the “NEXT” links actually work, even having all the page number links work would be helpful. Or you could say “screw page views” and put everything on one big page.
The Big Jazz – Big (Big E), Ja (AJ) zz (Zigglerzzz)
Whatever the name, the tag line should be “Everything from AJ to Z.”
The ABZ’s?
A-B-Z… It’s easy as 1-2-3
1. Daniel Bryan is the best.
2. I am a history teacher with a passion for civil rights. I wanted to punch the Rock in the dick.
3. Other than Swiss Death, the only move I mark out for every time is a superkick to a seated or kneeling opponent. Thank you, Wade!
4. I had no idea the company owned that many microphones
5. OMG TEDDY LONG!!!
OMG ! YOU STOLE ALL THE EXACT 5 POINTS I WAS GOING TO MAKE !!!!! HOW CAN THIS EVEN HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE ?????!!!!!!!!!! I SWEAR I WAS GOING TO WRITE THE EXACT 5 THINGS RIGHT NOW !!!!!!
December before last, David Gold from my favorite band Woods of Ypres died. Ever since the world has seemed a bit less bright…until now. He has returned, as Daniel Bryan. [img.photobucket.com]
Blah, blah, blah…I hate The Rock and everything he says and does. Blah, blah, blah, hopefully my quasi-witty, nonsensical babble will take away from the fact that I really have no life and attempt to find value and self worth in writing these columns and attempting to defame others. Blah, blah, blah, if I make my readers scroll through SEVEN FREAKIN’ PAGES OF CRAP maybe they’ll find something worth reading in there (probably not though). Blah, blah, blah…
It seems ironic that you read all the pages and comments and then referred to everyone who read the pages and comments as having “no life” and that we all attempt to “find value and self worth in writing these columns and attempting to defame others”. Congrats, brother!
You know, you really don’t have to read this if you don’t like it. I don’t want to throw down that card all the time, but if you don’t like any part of it, it’s super easy to skip.
@ The Family Crippler Crossface – wasn’t meant for the readers WHATSOEVER. Comments were directed to the writer. And I don’t read all of the pages and comments, BTW. @ Brandon, you are correct, it is easy to skip and I don’t have to read it, as the majority of it does get skipped. I just choose to exercise my write to be obnoxious just as the writer does.
the reason Backlund is JUST NOW being inducted has been explained in the past. WWE approached him on more than one occasion, but Backlund, who has always kept in great shape, had never relinquished the fact that he thought he had ONE MORE RUN in him. I guess he’s finally let go.
It’s hard enough to watch 3 hours of Raw only because its 3 hours, but damn if the content of white Cena’s ramble wasn’t perfectly responded to by black Cena’s “AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.”