The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling 1/3/13: TNA Is Totally Radical

I won’t do the full read on this until tonight, so I won’t get to comment on specifics until likely tomorrow morning, but I do want to reiterate how much I appreciate Danielle for writing this fantastic column to accompany my guilty pleasure.

For the time being here is another Jebediah Park story, as recounted by his lifelong friend Ebenezer Farkas Gilkenstodder:

Jebediah’s Nearly Roasted Chickens

Jebediah Leviticus Park was born in 1884 to Grover and Eunice Park in East Squirrelville, a small, tight knit, rural community in Wahacheetalle county West Virginia. I first met Jebediah, or Jeb, as he was known by most, when he was but a wee 9 year old runt. Even at that young age he had the strength of a full grown man, through you could hardly tell from his frame.

Now Jeb was always well meanin’, but he did have a tendency to stir up trouble. One day when I was 13, Jeb was 12 at the time on account of him being younger, he done convinced me to come with him and sneak into farmer Cormer’s chicken coop. I wouldn’t call Jebediah a thief myself, least not to his face or in good company, but the man sure did have a love for eggs and boys will be boys.

We waited until dusk and dug a tunnel with our hands under the back of farmer Cormer’s wooden fence. In hindsight, it probably would have been easier just to climb over as the fence was only 2 feet tall, but that’s another matter altogether. We crept up to the coop under the cover of darkness and slipped inside. Boy, you should have seen the glee on Jeb’s face as he filled his stretched out shirt with those eggs. The whole plan seemed like it would fly without a hitch. We was bona fide adventurers recovering a great treasure from a hidden temple.

As we was leavin’, in his haste and merriment at the golden price he carried, Jeb done knocked over an oil lantern we had used for light, on account of it being dark and all. The lantern fell and broke on the floor with a crash that shook us both. The oil spilled and splattered, spreadin’ fire with it that quickly covered the whole doorway. Being young and all, we both panicked and fled just as fast as our legs could carry us. Then we hid behind a tree not far off and watched in horror as smoke billowed up into the sky, thinking of the horrible life of breakin’ rocks while chained and imprisoned for our deeds.

Farmer Cormer noticed the smoke and ran out screaming for help. Now in Wahacheetalle county, when one was in trouble, we all was in trouble, and the whole town of East Squirrelville sprang into action. Now I tells ya, Wahacheetalle county done had the best volunteer fire department this side of the Mississippi. Why, we had a dozen buckets with but a single hole between all of ‘em, and a whole crew of volunteers to ferry to water from the river to the fire all assembly line like. Why even ol’ Sally Lanside and Betty Graber worked side by side to hand down buckets, when not weeks earlier they had been squabblin’ over ol’ Billy Backenhatch. Even with the whole town workin’ together and ferryin’ the buckets of water just as fast as they could, the fire roared on and the smoke continued to billow into the sky with fury and anger.

It was at that moment, and boy I still remember this clear as day, that Jeb, overcome with guilt and grief, emerged from the hidin’ tree and ran out into the open. He fell to his knees, opened his arms, looked up, and cried to the heavens, “Oh Lord, I hath made a most foul transgression. I done stole farmer Cormer’s eggs, and I set fire to his coop. Lord, I didn’t mean to set that fire, I swear, but now those birds are trapped inside. Please Lord, don’t let those wonderful chickens pay for my sins, what with their golden brown feathers, pointy beaks, and deeeeeelicious food ovals. Please lord, I beg of you, save those chickens and take me instead.” I was so moved by those words that I wept openly, and as I looked out on the faces of the townsfolk, lit up by the fire, there was not a dry eye in the bunch.

Now some may call it a coincidence, but I know better. Why not minutes later it had been bone dry, when suddenly the heavens opened up and a mighty rain descended upon Wahacheetalle country. The rain fell and fell with force and purpose and the flames were soon extinguished. By the grace of God, not one chicken was harmed in the fire, but the coop itself was badly damaged. You best believe we spent the better part of the summer helpin’ farmer Cormer build a new coop and pain his fence and tend to his garden.

I will say I’m glad Abyss is on my TV every week without being put through glass, tacks, nails, razorblades or tossed off scaffolds. If only Daffney could have avoided that fate too. I am seriously happy to see him working and making money and not endangering himself for stupid stunts. I’m sure they’ll ruin it and set him on fire at the next Victory Road ppv but for now he’s ok.

A RuPaul reference on the first page?
/experiences the vapours

1) Why was Kurt Angle wrestling in a shirt??? 2) lol Samoa Joe’s sorority girl Nike shorts. 3) Is Mike Knox From WWE going to be “Opie” from Sons of Anarchy? 4) Why did Mike Tenay even mention WWE?

I watched 20 minutes of a TNA show and I have so many questions!

I enjoyed reading this more than I enjoyed watching the actual show, by a pretty wide margin. Thanks for doing these!

I know I’m in the minority when I say that Bobby Roode used to be boring and basic as hell. He was the Jacob Cass of TNA: The CAW no one actually wants, but you’re stuck with him so you try your best to like him, but at the end of the day you just want to breeze through his section and just go back to the infinitely cooler United Kingdom storyline

Could not have agreed more. Roode was anemic for years, but it looks like one of those cases where bishoff and co knew how to utilize and elevate his talenr better then past writers. And he has also improved tremendously in the ring. His matches used to be a slow chore to sit through/ Over the past 2 years, he improved his craft and it really looks like he get it ring wise and his matches are usually the best part on Impact, notwithstanding his promos.

the best, worst and ~things that happened~ of TNA IMPACT! = best title for an article or a column ever in history of all time !
also ring ka king was my favourite wresling show BY FAR when it was on even though I couldn’t understand 90% of what was being said !!! and you referring to it is one more reason that makes me absoloutly LOVE~ you danielle ! YOU’re my favourite wrestling fan ever !!!