Best: Kazmania is running wild
Come on, TNA. If Gunner can have a full-priced t-shirt, I see no reason as to why I can’t be wearing a Kazmania shirt in 7-10 business days.
Best: Christopher Daniels, Impersonator General
I think Christopher Daniels is trying to kill me. If he keeps doing impressions of people (again, my legit favourite thing in wrestling), I will literally explode. As much as I want to come up with some piquant little quip about this, I can’t, because I am sitting here like someone just handed me a basket full of kittens and told me they’ll never grow into cats.
I once saw someone respond to a question asking what they mark out for the most, and their response was “I haven’t marked out for anything since I was 12.” As this person had not turned 13 in the preceding week, this has stuck in my head as one of the saddest things I’ve seen from a person calling themselves a wrestling fan. I know they said it to sound cool, because to that type of person being a real fan means knowing TH’BUSINESS and being as hypercritical and contrarian as possible, but if that’s really how you feel, why on earth are you watching in the first place? I understand I am saying all of this as a person who devotes hours writing out my critical thoughts about a wrestling show every week, but it is my belief that if you can’t completely lose yourself in something you love then there really isn’t much of a point. I know that Impact is going to throw some pretty garbage stuff at me, but I will still watch with hope and faith because of moments like this. I don’t want to come off as hyperbolic, or overstate the importance of this segment because it is a very small part of a larger, kinda bad episode, but I cannot say enough how happy it makes me to see people having fun with their characters. I cannot explain how happy I am, for even just a few minutes, to turn off my smarky, know-it-all brain cells and just live in a moment of pure enjoyment. For one reason or another we’ve all come into the wrestling fandom. Whether you see it as a physical expression of high art or a dumb thing you loved once and still watch out of habit, we’re all looking and waiting for little moments like this, and I hope, for your sake, you don’t take them for granted.
Worst, but if TNA plays this properly a Future Best: James Storm is Drunk Uncle
Worst: Did you just jerk off that beer bottle?
Yup. Yup you did.
Best: Kenny King, US Weekly Feature
Hey, I’ve watched Kid Kash matches on VHS! Wrestlers! They’re just like us!
Worst: That hammer is neither hype, dope on the floor, nor magic on the mic
Ohhh, man. This segment. I know a lot of you wanted a best out of this, and I wish I could give it to you, but this was pretty bad. I wish this had been Devon, or that guy with the voice changer who sounds like Pam Poovey’s kidnappers and is probably D-Lo, but…no. We get D.O.C. I mean, wasn’t it enough that I have to imagine him having gross Florida sex with two ladies then handing them off to Mr. Anderson for even more, even grosser Florida sex? Apparently not.
Instead of a good promo, or a promo that makes me want to see Sting descend from the rafters (carefully, because you are old, Sting) and beat the baby oil right off of his tattoos, we get a shouty, swearsy, meandering mess, all while brandishing THE WORLD’S MOST REALISTIC TOTALLY NOT FAKE HAMMER™. Just don’t talk, use a real hammer when you’re by yourself, and stop making one of my favourite tag wrestlers of all time hang out with ladies who give handies to alcohol bottles and also Mr. Anderson. It makes me sad inside.