Best: Kazmania is running wild
Come on, TNA. If Gunner can have a full-priced t-shirt, I see no reason as to why I can’t be wearing a Kazmania shirt in 7-10 business days.
Best: Christopher Daniels, Impersonator General
I think Christopher Daniels is trying to kill me. If he keeps doing impressions of people (again, my legit favourite thing in wrestling), I will literally explode. As much as I want to come up with some piquant little quip about this, I can’t, because I am sitting here like someone just handed me a basket full of kittens and told me they’ll never grow into cats.
I once saw someone respond to a question asking what they mark out for the most, and their response was “I haven’t marked out for anything since I was 12.” As this person had not turned 13 in the preceding week, this has stuck in my head as one of the saddest things I’ve seen from a person calling themselves a wrestling fan. I know they said it to sound cool, because to that type of person being a real fan means knowing TH’BUSINESS and being as hypercritical and contrarian as possible, but if that’s really how you feel, why on earth are you watching in the first place? I understand I am saying all of this as a person who devotes hours writing out my critical thoughts about a wrestling show every week, but it is my belief that if you can’t completely lose yourself in something you love then there really isn’t much of a point. I know that Impact is going to throw some pretty garbage stuff at me, but I will still watch with hope and faith because of moments like this. I don’t want to come off as hyperbolic, or overstate the importance of this segment because it is a very small part of a larger, kinda bad episode, but I cannot say enough how happy it makes me to see people having fun with their characters. I cannot explain how happy I am, for even just a few minutes, to turn off my smarky, know-it-all brain cells and just live in a moment of pure enjoyment. For one reason or another we’ve all come into the wrestling fandom. Whether you see it as a physical expression of high art or a dumb thing you loved once and still watch out of habit, we’re all looking and waiting for little moments like this, and I hope, for your sake, you don’t take them for granted.
Worst, but if TNA plays this properly a Future Best: James Storm is Drunk Uncle
Worst: Did you just jerk off that beer bottle?
Yup. Yup you did.
Best: Kenny King, US Weekly Feature
Hey, I’ve watched Kid Kash matches on VHS! Wrestlers! They’re just like us!
Worst: That hammer is neither hype, dope on the floor, nor magic on the mic
Ohhh, man. This segment. I know a lot of you wanted a best out of this, and I wish I could give it to you, but this was pretty bad. I wish this had been Devon, or that guy with the voice changer who sounds like Pam Poovey’s kidnappers and is probably D-Lo, but…no. We get D.O.C. I mean, wasn’t it enough that I have to imagine him having gross Florida sex with two ladies then handing them off to Mr. Anderson for even more, even grosser Florida sex? Apparently not.
Instead of a good promo, or a promo that makes me want to see Sting descend from the rafters (carefully, because you are old, Sting) and beat the baby oil right off of his tattoos, we get a shouty, swearsy, meandering mess, all while brandishing THE WORLD’S MOST REALISTIC TOTALLY NOT FAKE HAMMER™. Just don’t talk, use a real hammer when you’re by yourself, and stop making one of my favourite tag wrestlers of all time hang out with ladies who give handies to alcohol bottles and also Mr. Anderson. It makes me sad inside.
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/tumblr_lpn0ziNId91qenagv-180x180.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wwe-promo-photos-4-50-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/SQUEEEEEEEE-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/arrested-george-michael-chin-180x180.jpg)
I haven’t started reading yet but I have to say that the cover pic looks like the strangest do-si-do of all time.
My personal worst for Jeff Hardy is that he WON’T STOP YELLING AT THE FANS I THOUGHT HE WAS APPRECIATIVE OF THEM NOT ANGRY GAWD.
HIS CHARISMA IS A MYSTERY. DO NOT TRY TO SORT IT OUT.
His fans are Creatures of the Night. They only respond to loud, sharp noises and bright colors.
CREATURES!
I won’t do the full read on this until tonight, so I won’t get to comment on specifics until likely tomorrow morning, but I do want to reiterate how much I appreciate Danielle for writing this fantastic column to accompany my guilty pleasure.
For the time being here is another Jebediah Park story, as recounted by his lifelong friend Ebenezer Farkas Gilkenstodder:
Jebediah’s Nearly Roasted Chickens
Jebediah Leviticus Park was born in 1884 to Grover and Eunice Park in East Squirrelville, a small, tight knit, rural community in Wahacheetalle county West Virginia. I first met Jebediah, or Jeb, as he was known by most, when he was but a wee 9 year old runt. Even at that young age he had the strength of a full grown man, through you could hardly tell from his frame.
Now Jeb was always well meanin’, but he did have a tendency to stir up trouble. One day when I was 13, Jeb was 12 at the time on account of him being younger, he done convinced me to come with him and sneak into farmer Cormer’s chicken coop. I wouldn’t call Jebediah a thief myself, least not to his face or in good company, but the man sure did have a love for eggs and boys will be boys.
We waited until dusk and dug a tunnel with our hands under the back of farmer Cormer’s wooden fence. In hindsight, it probably would have been easier just to climb over as the fence was only 2 feet tall, but that’s another matter altogether. We crept up to the coop under the cover of darkness and slipped inside. Boy, you should have seen the glee on Jeb’s face as he filled his stretched out shirt with those eggs. The whole plan seemed like it would fly without a hitch. We was bona fide adventurers recovering a great treasure from a hidden temple.
As we was leavin’, in his haste and merriment at the golden price he carried, Jeb done knocked over an oil lantern we had used for light, on account of it being dark and all. The lantern fell and broke on the floor with a crash that shook us both. The oil spilled and splattered, spreadin’ fire with it that quickly covered the whole doorway. Being young and all, we both panicked and fled just as fast as our legs could carry us. Then we hid behind a tree not far off and watched in horror as smoke billowed up into the sky, thinking of the horrible life of breakin’ rocks while chained and imprisoned for our deeds.
Farmer Cormer noticed the smoke and ran out screaming for help. Now in Wahacheetalle county, when one was in trouble, we all was in trouble, and the whole town of East Squirrelville sprang into action. Now I tells ya, Wahacheetalle county done had the best volunteer fire department this side of the Mississippi. Why, we had a dozen buckets with but a single hole between all of ‘em, and a whole crew of volunteers to ferry to water from the river to the fire all assembly line like. Why even ol’ Sally Lanside and Betty Graber worked side by side to hand down buckets, when not weeks earlier they had been squabblin’ over ol’ Billy Backenhatch. Even with the whole town workin’ together and ferryin’ the buckets of water just as fast as they could, the fire roared on and the smoke continued to billow into the sky with fury and anger.
It was at that moment, and boy I still remember this clear as day, that Jeb, overcome with guilt and grief, emerged from the hidin’ tree and ran out into the open. He fell to his knees, opened his arms, looked up, and cried to the heavens, “Oh Lord, I hath made a most foul transgression. I done stole farmer Cormer’s eggs, and I set fire to his coop. Lord, I didn’t mean to set that fire, I swear, but now those birds are trapped inside. Please Lord, don’t let those wonderful chickens pay for my sins, what with their golden brown feathers, pointy beaks, and deeeeeelicious food ovals. Please lord, I beg of you, save those chickens and take me instead.” I was so moved by those words that I wept openly, and as I looked out on the faces of the townsfolk, lit up by the fire, there was not a dry eye in the bunch.
Now some may call it a coincidence, but I know better. Why not minutes later it had been bone dry, when suddenly the heavens opened up and a mighty rain descended upon Wahacheetalle country. The rain fell and fell with force and purpose and the flames were soon extinguished. By the grace of God, not one chicken was harmed in the fire, but the coop itself was badly damaged. You best believe we spent the better part of the summer helpin’ farmer Cormer build a new coop and pain his fence and tend to his garden.
Outstanding
Tremendous
I love these so much!
What is up with the front row on the stationary camera side? Are they forced to stand the entire time? The black fella in the white shirt looked absolutely mis! As did the gigantic blond girl.
To be fair, most people seem miserable at TNA tapings.
I will say I’m glad Abyss is on my TV every week without being put through glass, tacks, nails, razorblades or tossed off scaffolds. If only Daffney could have avoided that fate too. I am seriously happy to see him working and making money and not endangering himself for stupid stunts. I’m sure they’ll ruin it and set him on fire at the next Victory Road ppv but for now he’s ok.
I agree! I love me some Abyss, and I’m generally happy when people I like get to do things that aren’t putting themselves through needless harm. I feel like Joseph Park is one of the smartest things TNA is doing, and they seem to be paying enough attention to continuity (did I really just say that about TNA?) that we don’t forget about things that have happened in his storyline along the way. Like seeing blood and Abyss-ing out. It’s great.
Angle gets busted open by a sidewalk slam.
I can’t even.
He bladed after he was “hit” by the cafe door swung by D.O.C or whatever
Cage*
Oh no, let’s please stick with ‘cafe door’. I can imagine Kurt Angle walking out of a Starbucks, accidentally hitting the door, poorly selling it and then blading while the camera panned back to the dastardly door.
A RuPaul reference on the first page?
/experiences the vapours
“Worst, but if TNA plays this properly a Future Best: James Storm is Drunk Uncle”
I cracked up obscenely hard reading this.
Sorry about your damn Netflix. Is this superkick organic?
NEW SEASON THIS MONTH
I would’ve voted Hardy for Wrestler of the Year if I’d known the criteria was “gives absolutely no fucks.”
If that were the criteria, RVD would have slowly sauntered away with it, then turned the trophy into a bong.
TNA – do they even watch their own show?
I’m also going to be attending that SMASH Wrestling event. If any GTA With Leather fam wants to powerhang, I’ll be the doughy guy in the beard with a sassy t-shirt. (I’m sure that’ll totally narrow it down.)
if you think someone is T-Boggs Bear, sashay up to him and start doing the Mashed Potato. If he reciprocates, you’ve got the right guy! Or another new friend, who cares?
I really hope this leads to a wave of dance related antics in the Toronto area, culminating in everyone doing the Batusi on Canada Day.
Toronto will re-invent capoeira
More fan fictions, please!
Also, this is the best way to end the week! Yay Danielle!
If TNA keeps booking matches that make me throw myself down on the couch in frustration at the idea of watching them, you’ll all get more fanfictions.
So…look for more in the future!
Don’t you dare try to tell me hot women love Jeff Hardy, TNA. Don’t you daaaaaaaaare.
“Hot” women because they are on fire due to meth lab explosions currently in progress.
Lobster Mobster, I wish I knew how to quit you.
I know a few women who would absolutely get down with Jeff Hardy. He’s a niche market, but that market is hardcore into him.
I want to like TNA so bad but every two steps forward they take one step with a foot in my crotch
As I’ve always said, TNA, why are you fighting my love?
They fight it so hard :(
Really fun column, Danielle! Yay!
Also, you should all go watch the pro graps with her as she is an Official Wrestling Bro and can induct you into the Wrestling Bros via the Wrestling Bro High Five.
East Coast Bias! If anyone in Seattle wants to be inducted into the Jr Wrestling Bros via the Jr Wrestling Bro low five I’ll be at the comic shop off Greenwood Ave.
And so begins the East Coast/West Coast Wrestling Bro feud. (England is a wildcard!)
Third Coast!
T-Bear, don’t you mean WILDCAT?! England is jumpin about all over the place!
Oh man, are we gonna do an Avengers/West Coast Avengers thing? Cause dudes, i totally call dibs on Captain America. One of you other clowns can be USAgent or Mockingbird or whatever.
ENGLAND IS NOW WILDCAT. (Wales is whatever R Truth is doing these days.)
Dibs noted!
WEST SIDE IS THE BEST SIDE!
*Crip Walks*
woah! My bad, was starting to get flash backs, Ese!
Thanks, Casey! And thanks so much for the gifs. You’re awesome!
Also…we’re in central Canada. We have no coast. So uhhh…NO COASTERS 4 LYFE, BRO. /reps hard
Aries and Roode are awesome right now.
Also, hey Kurt, there appear to be large holes in the cage, either for cameras or because they can’t afford to fix it. Just climb in through there
1) Why was Kurt Angle wrestling in a shirt??? 2) lol Samoa Joe’s sorority girl Nike shorts. 3) Is Mike Knox From WWE going to be “Opie” from Sons of Anarchy? 4) Why did Mike Tenay even mention WWE?
I watched 20 minutes of a TNA show and I have so many questions!
1) For that answer see Mysterio, Rey
2) lol, Samoa Joe
3) I think Mike Knox could end being the most likeable of all Aces and Eights. I mean, we’re predicting D-Lo and Brischoff, and we already have AU Devon and D.O.C. who is seriously the worst. So..probably.
4) Mike Tenay is a terrible, terrible commentator, and thinks that bragging about getting WWE’s castoffs is a good thing. I mean, sometimes it can be, but when you have to tell people that he was once employed by the giant whose shadow you’ll always be living in, you’re probably better off letting people figure that out on their own, and have TNA Mike Knox build his own character and personality. Now people will be like “If you hated Kelly Kelly showing off her goodies, how the hell are you comfortable letting these chicks all but fellate Mr. Anderson on screen? Oooweee, what’s up with that?”
I am always here to answer your questions as best I can, even if that answer is “lol TNA.”
I thought Wes Brisco was a suspect….
Brisco is the floppity-haired one.
I enjoyed the write up. I am also tempted to make it out to the wrestling show in the Gta, but I don’t think my love for pro wrestling extends behind secretly watching it on TV. Anyways, all that being said, I hate to be this guy, but it’s not fair to slam and fight against slut shaming and then make a prison rape joke.
This is proof I can read and enjoy something while simultaneously knowing nothing about it. Kudos.
THIS. Although, I have now watched 10 full mins of Impact Wrestling in 2013, curse you Danielle! :)
I read in the dirt sheets that Impact’s ratings are up %250 just from Danielle’s column.
Sorry, guys. But also thanks for reading even if you don’t watch! When it comes to episodes like this one, I feel like you might be better off. When it comes to episodes like last week, if you’re not watching you’re a chump. I chump I love and appreciate forever, but still. Bro. /flexes /drops mic
I’ve been sick as a dog all day. This write up has at least given me amusement on a crappy day. Well, I assume I actually read this and didn’t hallucinate it in a fever-induced dream.
Huzzah! I hope you’re feeling better!
Sitting here in my penguin jammies with my baby and loving every single page of this report.
Excellent work, Danielle.
I have penguin jammies too! /bro five
I’m secretly hoping we get a Christian York segment every week so that it will force Danielle to write another Ninja Turtle story.
YES YES YES!
If we get a Christian York segment every week I may just banish myself to the sewers to live out my days in a York-free state.
I enjoyed reading this more than I enjoyed watching the actual show, by a pretty wide margin. Thanks for doing these!
Thanks! And thank you for reading!
Vitamin C sighting! Reading Best & Worst of TNA just makes me wonder how I ever managed to watch it for so long back in the day. I am saddened greatly by Ring Ka King ending though, and not just because I’m madly in love with Kubra Sait and her unbelievably sexy voice. And to reiterate, Mumbai Cats!
Mumbai Cats are my favourite. It is literally the only acceptable form of Xema Ion.
I know I’m in the minority when I say that Bobby Roode used to be boring and basic as hell. He was the Jacob Cass of TNA: The CAW no one actually wants, but you’re stuck with him so you try your best to like him, but at the end of the day you just want to breeze through his section and just go back to the infinitely cooler United Kingdom storyline
Could not have agreed more. Roode was anemic for years, but it looks like one of those cases where bishoff and co knew how to utilize and elevate his talenr better then past writers. And he has also improved tremendously in the ring. His matches used to be a slow chore to sit through/ Over the past 2 years, he improved his craft and it really looks like he get it ring wise and his matches are usually the best part on Impact, notwithstanding his promos.
I’ve mentioned this before, but Daniels may very well be the glue that holds this show together. He is so dedicated to fleshing out his characters that regardless of how many turns he makes, he comes off as the heeliest heel who ever heeled and the faciest face who ever faced. We buy into it because HE buys into it. And I love that he’s taking Frankie along for the ride. AJ could never keep up.
the best, worst and ~things that happened~ of TNA IMPACT! = best title for an article or a column ever in history of all time !
also ring ka king was my favourite wresling show BY FAR when it was on even though I couldn’t understand 90% of what was being said !!! and you referring to it is one more reason that makes me absoloutly LOVE~ you danielle ! YOU’re my favourite wrestling fan ever !!!