Worst: America’s Next Top Wrestler – Crimson Guard Edition
I know that people (including myself, at times) like to get down on Hulk Hogan for consistently ruining the momentum of a show, but is there anything that stops a good show in its tracks like these awful Gut Check debates? These are just terrible. I’ll give a mini-Best to Al Snow’s velvet blazer, because velvet blazers are always best, but does anyone really want to listen to their mock debate between Tomax and Xamot? And why are they all wearing jackets? Is it really cold? Are they on their way to lunch? And Bruce, what on earth is that on your jacket?
Worst, but secret Best: lol Bruce Pritchard
Oh. Oh my. Are we totally switching gears from ANTM jokes? Do I have to throw out all of the GI Joekes I’ve been trying to think up all week in order to make this segment a little more palatable? Are they in a sub-sub-basement of Kleinfeld’s that caters to leather jackets for bridge & tunnel Father’s of the Brides that doesn’t make it onto the show? And most importantly, Bruce, are you saying “yes” to this jacket?
Best: TNA is trying to kill me with feelings
Just when I think I can’t be any more overwhelmed with happy wrestling feelings, this segment gives me Tommy Dreamer fussing with Spike’s cummerbund, more shoot happy Bully Ray, and JOSEPH PARK. Good old Joe Park thanks Bully Ray, because if it weren’t for him he wouldn’t be on the roster, gives him a box of Cuban cigars from “a friend at the airport,” and then inquires as to a pre-nup in the most adorable Joe Park way. If you guessed that I watched this three times, then deleted the paragraph I had written because it was just JOSEPH PARK AND SPIKE DUDLEY OMG OMG OMG over and over again, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE I AM CALLING THE POLICE MY BOYFRIEND KNOWS KARATE.
Best, Worst, whatever: Gut Check Decision
Xamot got eliminated, and Tomax gets his spot on the show because he has a personality and also enjoys highway frottage or something. Whatever. That’s great. Congrats. Don’t they know we have a wedding to get to?
Best: Kenny King
Again, this is mostly just a best for his sheer presence. I mean, you’re either really really good, or your division is really really terrible if you consistently get a best for being “not those other guys.” Don’t get me wrong, I think King is pretty great and I am aching at the chance to see him wrestle someone who has more mobility than a Jaxx action figure, but the idea of writing about another Christian York match makes me flop around the couch, whining and whinging and oh my god, stop making me do this TNA. Please. If you can give me Spike Dudley, I don’t see any reason why you can’t stop drafting X-Division guys out of the sewers, and start drafting them out of the ranks of the best of the indies. WWE just signed El Generico, everyone’s favourite independent Mexicanadian. If they can get Sara Del Rey, Claudio Castignoli, and Chris Hero…come on. Step up your game. If there’s one thing you decide to follow WWE’s lead on, it shouldn’t be the importance of what is trending (because it’s legit not important), it should linking all of Beer Money’s leftover six-pack rings and dredging the best of the independent best up to turn them into delicious, entertaining, X-Division slurry.
Worst: Oh, Stinger
I know you’ve been doing this for a long time, but at some point you’re going to have to remember that no matter how much face paint you wear, we all can tell that you seriously do not give any effs about this entire thing.
Worst: Todd Kennely
You should not have said yes to that jacket.
Best: Hulk Hogan
I love that he’s so upset, he will only communicate via THIS FACE. I mean, he’s not Moammar Gadhafi angry, but this is still serious business.
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That Halloween costume is seriously the best.
Brooke: My boobs are out!
Hulk: Check on Bully.
Brooke walks over to Dreamer. Intelligence…this family has it.
On page 4: Sting.. STING STTIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!.
DANGAAA ZONE.
As per usual I won’t get to watch Impact until tonight because of my schedule, so I won’t get to read this write up and comment on the show until then. In the meantime, and before I post my weekly Jebediah Park fan fiction, here are my thoughts on the Genesis PPV:
1) The Hardy vs. Roode vs. Aries match was absolutely awesome. It’s a legit match of the year contender. I know saying it’s the best match of 2013 so far isn’t exactly going out on a limb, but even looking back on 2012 I can’t off the top of my head think of a match I enjoyed more in either WWE or TNA (or RoH or PWG or CHIKARA for that matter). The storytelling was masterful and the execution was spot on. The pacing was perfect and the match flowed really well. There were some nice near falls and the finish was great. Each of the 3 men played their respective part perfectly and the match was exciting and had me on the edge of my seat despite the fact that I knew full well who would win beforehand. It was really fantastic.
2) Gail Kim is terrific. Whatever TNA pays her, they should triple it. Suffice to say, she was great during the gauntlet match.
3) Sting is still capable of having a decent match once in a while, given the right circumstances and opponent. DOC ain’t that opponent. Good golly that was awful.
4) I got a kick out of Matt Morgan constantly berating Joey Ryan during their match. I mean, he was just relentlessly dogging the guy, and it was quite entertaining. It feels weird praising Matt Morgan, but I gotta give him his due when he does something that adds entertainment to the show.
5) My new nickname for Chavo is “Grape Nuts”. The thing with Chavo is that he isn’t terrible in the ring, he’s just bland and boring and exceedingly mediocre. It’s like when you pour a bowl of Grape Nuts, pour milk on it, then scoop up a spoonful and put it in your mouth. It doesn’t make you gag or vomit, but at the same time there’s like a hundred other cereals you’d much rather be eating.
If the greatest wrestling characters of all-time have just been amplifiied versions of the people playing them, then maybe Kerwin R White really did have a chance to make Chavo a superstar.
And I know Danielle loves Aries/Roode, but after they made valid arguments, it literally turned into ‘HUR DUR DUR YOU SPICS”.
Right then, the segment died. It started off not bad, honestly. It ended with ‘ Well now I know why Big Show almost didn’t resign with the WWE”.
I feel like us here at With Leather are so used to agreeing with the heels that we sometimes forget that the heels are suppose to be the bad guys. Of course, it turned into “lol mexicans” because Aries and Roode are dickheads. That’s the whole point.
It’s like the people who were throwing a fit when Paul Heyman faked that heart attack. He’s suppose to be a deplorable, sub-human piece of shit. That’s his job.
The thing is, they could have made fun of Chavo/Hernandez without bring race into it. Just say Chavo stinks and he’s been riding coattails for 20+ years and Hernandez is somehow riding the miniature coattails Chavo has.
But they would bring in race into it because they’re assholes. They’re suppose to take the lowest road possible. They’re not suppose to be likeable.
Bingo, Lobby. They had good heat, as it were. They really, really did. After seeing the diatribes posted here and elsewhere about ‘bad things’ that make wrestling worse, The ending of the Roode/Aries promo seemed like they took promo class with Professor Jerry Lawler.
I’ll split the difference… I’m not one hundred percent comfortable with heels using racist taunts but it’s a thousand times better than Mexican America when it was “hey they’re Mexican, let’s booo them!”
Yeah, one thing a lot of Best and Worst readers haven’t picked up on is that wrestling heels should be allowed to do pretty much anything. Racism, sexism, homophobia, pandering, whatever. The idea is that those are the guys who are supposed to be deplorable, and the people who fight/aren’t them are supposed to be “better.” Even if they aren’t perfect, they’re supposed to be morally/ethically/personally preferable to their opponent. Austin worked because Vince was such a scumbag. Modern WWE babyfaces don’t, because they are playing against reasonable, smart, talented people, so it just makes them look like a bunch of dickbabies.
Brandon – True enough, I guess I just ignore the global heel/face dynamic and instead institute my own LobMob heels and faces based on who I like or not. Kaz and Daniels are entertaining, so they are LobMob faces, so they shouldn’t be racist to the LobMob heels of Chavo and Hernandez.
Why does Bully Ray keep dressing like Guy Fieri?
Because he’s ready to go to Flavortown at a moment’s notice.
I sure hope he wears an apron when he takes Brooke to Flavortown.
Maybe it’s just a wedding thing.
[www.diva-dirt.com]
The guy tapping Bully’s head with the rubber hammer should have got a gif and a big best. It was just so adorable.
Yeah, that was my favorite part of the beat down
I hadn’t seen that until you pointed it out, AMAZING!
It’s like a 1 year old trying to smack a square peg through a round hole with a fisher-price hammer.
Handy Manny could have done a more convincing hammering to the noggin! :)
All that’s missing is the squeaky sound whenever the hammer hits his head.
What about the rubber pedestal?
Handy Manny’s hammer is named Pat. He’s the dumb one of the talking tools, so him gently tapping someone is possible.
…continued from last week
The Rite of Passage, Part 2
I, Jebediah Leviticus Park, began my trek toward Parts Unknown. I had visited, upon two prior occasions, the home of my forefathers, but that had been many moons ago and my mind was still a bit cloudy on account of all the smoke I done inhaled. Still, I believed I knew which direction to walk and set off toward the eastern end of Wahacheetalle county.
I walked for four days and four nights, nourishing myself on tree bark, sap, and elderberries. It was the scorching hot days of summer and the sun cruelly lashed me with its fiery gaze all unrelenting like. During the dark hours I would try to rest my eyes, but I could nary catch a wink of slumber before I would stir. Twas a difficult journey, why on two occasions I done walked right into a tree, on account of seeing double and picking the wrong tree to aim at. During the fourth night I collapsed in a heap just as I was making my way out of a patch of woods. I tried to raise myself and continue on but, well, I couldn’t rightly tell you what happened next, for it was all a blur and a jumble, then I done passed out all sleepy like.
When I opened my eyes I was layin’ on a bed. A short stocky man wearing overalls and a pair of spectacles was standing beside me looking down at me. Turns out his name was Rumpert and he was a tailor on the outskirts of Parts Unknown, looks like I had made it to my family’s old stompin’ grounds. Rumpert had found me on the edge of the woods just outside of town and figured someone done slipped me a Mickey. Rumpert helped me to my feet and led me to his kitchen where he fed me fatback and a glass of prune juice. I nearly gagged on the prune juice, on account of it bein’ rancid, but I didn’t want to seem the ungrateful kind, so I drank it down. The fatback, on the other hand, was a delight from the heaven. I tells ya, I had had fatback before, but never fried up all golden brown and delicious as this. Twas a feast meant for royalty, not a dirty kid like me.
Well, the Park clan has never been one to neglect payin’ back a kindness, so after regainin’ my strength, I told ol’ Rumpert that I’d work for him to pay him back for the food and lodging. Rumpert tried to refuse, but I was havin’ none of it. Wasn’t no Park gonna be in debt, no siree!
Turns out Rumpert worked with some sort of fancy fangled new stretchy fabric. Was sellin’ it to strongmen and dem dere fellas that liked to grapple and roll around on the ground. The whole thing sounded a bit harebrained to me. Grown men wearin’ skin tight, stretched out underwear? Why, they must look down right ridiculous, like some children or dem dere circus folk. Still, the man did show me kindness and nurse me back to help. Wasn’t about to talk mean of his craft.
Rumpert and I spent the better part of that day sewing letters and numbers and flames and all manner of offbeat designs onto the stretchy like underwear. I always done though this here be work for the woman folk, and I done pricked my fingers more times then I’d like to admit, but after a while I done took to it quite well. Well, the original plan was to work for Rumpert that day, then move on and seek out the lake from my vision, which I knew to be located somewhere near these here parts. After working with Rumpert for that day, though, I done decided to stay on for a while, as I grew to like the work. Rumpert didn’t object as I became quite skilled with thread and needle, and quickly too. Plus, I only asked for a bed and some more of that there deeeeeeeelicious fatback as renumeration. The rite of passage wasn’t no race and my heart done led me to work dat dere stretchy fabric.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, I done got caught up in my work and a week passed by like it was a minute. Come to find out that there was going to be a show in town where strongmen, mean spirited fellas, and all types of strange folk were goin’ to grapple and fight and all manner of tomfoolery. Rumpert was going to the show to sell his wares so I decided to tag along and see what it was all about.
to be continued…
These continue to be great.
Next time I bump into something, I am totally blaming it on aiming for the wrong one
These are so wonderful!
Are you collecting them somewhere, or just the B&W?
I’ve only been posting them here. If even one person likes them then it’s worth writing them. Plus the tales of Jebediah Park need to be told, it’s my civic duty.
This is miles better than watching the actual show. Kudos!
You know that Seinfeld where Jerry is dating that woman that looks cute in a certain light but awful in other light? That is Brooke Hogan. Every other angled shot of her switches from pretty to monster. No other person has ever had me going “eh, she’s not so bad” to “dear god someone shoot that thing” back and forth every second like a yoyo. Its very emotional.
There’s a guy at one of the campuses I substitute teach at who looks just like Spike Dudley. It never fails to be a best when he shows up in the teacher’s lounge.
Are you sure it’s not ACTUALLY Spike Dudley? He’s a teacher.
ask him what his favorite quote from a work by Shakespeare is. If he says he has one but can’t come up with it on the fly, it may be Spike Dudley
Probably isnt. Spike Dudley sells IRAs and 401ks now. Or according to The E’s .com where are they now, he does. But I do remember him being a teacher before he was a full time prograps
As long as we can all agree that if anyone has a chance to interact with Spike Dudley, they are taking it?
Those that speak truth to power are generally considered The Bad Guy in their time.
This is the second Impact I’ve watched and they’ve both been pretty entertaining. I like the cinema verite look of all the backstage vignettes. Also as soon as I saw the dress Brooke was wearing I knew what was going to happen.
So did everyone but Brooke, apparently.
This isn’t the first time she’s fallen out of her dress. It’s becoming a running gag, albeit not one nearly as hilariously awesome as Hulkster’s Super Sourpuss Face.
mobility of a Jaxx figure… man that’s good stuff.
Have you seen the new Series 8 figures? Sting’s face looks like it’s melting off.
But like…worse than usual.
Best wrestling wedding episode ever. The wedding itself, not so much. Everyone and their mother expected some kind of shenanigans, because wrestling wedding, but I was hoping they’d be on the level of the delightful build-up.
If this leads to the reveal of Brooke’s past as an underground street fighter with a Lord Byron back tattoo, then all will be forgiven. If it leads to Brooke developing Stockholm syndrome, joining Aces & Eights, and marrying Jarrett, then I’m re-quitting TNA forever.
Also, to how much would we pay to see a Roode and Aries episode of Trading Spaces? Ooh, or even better, What Not to Wear.
Roode and Aries should go on the Amazing race.
I was trying to keep it in the TLC lineup, since Danielle kept referencing Say Yes to the Dress.
It’s not aTLC show, but if any wrestler wants to earn legit heel heat, to the point that I will start cursing at my tv and giving it the finger, all they have to do is go on House Hunters and act like one of the standard entitled twats on that show. Oh, you don’t like the faucets in the veritable mansion you’re looking at? It’s too bad that those aren’t easy to change and relatively inexpensive FUCK YOU FUCK YOU DIE AAAAAAAARGH
I would pay good money to watch Aries go on and on about all the first class amenities his condo has.
House Hunters makes me SO MAD. Oh my god. Have you seen House Hunters Renovations yet? IT IS THE WORST. Because you think oh, finally, reasonable people who understand that changes can be made and cosmetic renovations aren’t really a huge deal AND THEN THEY HATE EVERYTHING AND ARE THE WORST PEOPLE AND IT’S A MILLION TIMES WORSE.
I haven’t seen that show before, but next time I’m in the mood to hate and Jerry Lawler isn’t on television I will check it out.
Brooke Hogan is by the far my favorite part of Impact every week. Weather she is struggling to remember her lines, tripping down the ramp, having her weird boobs fall out of her dress, telling Hulk about it loud enough for the mics to pick it up and then checking to see if Bully is alright only to console Tommy Dreamer. Your the best!
Her super sexy Christmas commercial was…something else.
Holy shit Danielle, your “why doesn’t pyro go off when I walk into work”just gave me the idea of what, if were ever produced, would become the best “This Is Sportcenter”commercial of all-time.
Triple H looks for his sandwich in the company fridge, can’t find it, graps a microphone and walks into the middle of the breakroom
“Lately it has come to my attention, that some of you have been questioning my motives about adding a content blocker to our proxy servers. Maybe you think that I don’t want you having any fun around here? WELL YOUR DAMN RIGHT I DON’T. THIS BUSINESS is not about fun. It is about THIS BUSINESS. I don’t give a good damn what you think about me, but in THIS BUSINESS you don’t eat a man’s HAM SANDWICH. You think this is a game? WELL I AM THE GAME. I’m gonna give the man that did this ten seconds to get his ass out here…”
Just then music comes over the intercom, and as Jim Ross comes out of the elevator, he casually mentions, “Hey that’s Kane’s music”…Suddenly, an explosion comes out of all four corners of the cafeteria and Kane emerges from bathroom
“You’re right Hunter. We are mad about the content blocker. And as for the ham sandwich, IT WAS THAT DAMN GOOD.”
HHH Is hit from behind by Jerry Lawler. Kane attacks as well, beating down the once great champion as Lawler screams “YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE AWAY MY PORN YOU SONOFABITCH!!!” Lawler and Kane stand tall as the lunch hour ends…
Words cannot explain how much I love this.
Throw in Daniel Bryan screaming “NO!” at the end and you’ve won the internet.
+ham sandwiches
I would pay to watch this.
I didn’t hear her say her boobs were out…I’m pretty sure I missed the best part and it makes me sad.
They cut it out of the video posted online, but it was great.
It will be Jeff Jarrett and it will be just as horrible as you think.
But seriously, who wears a freaking strapless dress to a wrestling wedding?
Awesome stuff as always.
Before the show started, I had the mind-blowing revelation that Bully was part of A&8s.
“Diabolical,” I thought.
“He’s TOO shoot happy. This’ll be a great reveal,” I mused
F*cking Taz.
Also, HD is not Brooke’s friend.
That still shot cannot fully convey how awful Tod Kennely’s jacket looked.
I’m already dreading the day that SRDH (Second Rope Dry Humper) takes the belt off my girl Tara at Lockdown
/cringes
If there was any justice in the world then she would lose said belt to Gail Kim on the very next episode of Impact and Gail would keep the belt until she retires, however many years that is.
On a side note, I was disappointed that referee Taryn Terrell switched back to booty shorts from the hilariously tiny zebra skirt she wore at Genesis.
Any wedding with Christy Hemme as a bridesmaid gets a best.
Pathosmania. All the laughs.
The Gahdaffi gag was gold.
Thank you.
I concur. I don’t know why I have such a humorous soft spot for Gadaffi, but it’s there, and my heart was suitably warmed.
The Real American video is my kryptonite. I have to watch it right now, just because we’re talking about it.
You know, i have grown to enjoy your reviews, even if i end up disagreeing with some of your views.. A female perspective of the wrestling business is rare, and an articulate one even more so..Kudos. Btw, nice observation on the Tazz turn, i forgot about Snow’s disappearance from gutcheck weeks ago.
If it is Jarrett, not even Danielle can keep me watching. Thanks Danielle, you turn an awful show into something truly unique. I can’t agree however that Aries deserves a best this week. It brought out Chavo and ruined my day.