Best: Mr. Anderson’s entrance … mostly
Live, Anderson has one of the legit coolest entrances I’ve ever seen. Once he gets to the ring and starts talking we’re reminded that hey, you’re not actually all that cool and you should probably have cut it off a full minute ago, but it was kinda nice to see it again. It also led me to simultaneously playing Sting and Anderson’s themes on YouYube at the same time, and Dale Oliver, you were not stretching yourself creatively with these at all, were you. Tsk.
Worst: Kurt Angle
I know I haven’t been writing these for long, so I should at this point explain that I am actually a fan of Kurt Angle. He was a great wrestler, looked smashing in a tiny hat, and had Sensational Sherri sing an Angle-themed parody of Shawn Michael’s entrance that I’ve filed forever under “Things that make me happy.” The nicest photo my boyfriend and I have together after being together for three years features a sweaty, post-match Angle posing in a TNA ring between the two of us. I’m not sure if that’s sad or awesome, but either way, I don’t hate Kurt Angle. That said, will you shut the hell up and stop calling dudes “bitch”? Or anyone, for that matter? Remember when you were awesome and funny and a sexy Kurt who’d make people’s ankle hurt? More of that, less of everything you’re doing, please.
Best: Garrett Bischoff running
Because lol, Garrett Bischoff.
Worst: You are real terrible at your fake job, EMTs
Hey, let’s not secure the neck that we’re speculating is injured or anything. If it’s a serious injury, I’m pretty sure the beefy hand of Samoa Joe isn’t going to prevent paralysis while you’re rolling him around willy nilly.
Worst: Aces & Eights, let’s get this show on the road
Do you realize that we have been slogging through this junk since June? Eight months of fluctuating membership numbers, confusing and meandering storylines, and weird Floridian ladies of the night? Only three members have been unmasked, we have no clear and present motivations for anything, let alone the significance of said masks, and we’re already getting a rehash of a storyline 2011.
Ideally, Brooke hired Aces & Eights to pretend to kidnap her so that Bully could save the day, thus ingratiating himself into Hogan’s good graces once more. It’s twisted and dangerous, and the kind of foolish thing someone would do when the person they love the most romantically isn’t approved of by the person they love the most in their family. It doesn’t solve any of the long-term issues, but I’m oddly intrigued by the tragedy that is the Hogan father-daughter relationship, and it would, for a short time, give some meaning to the actions of Aces & Eights.
I’m sure we’re going to see this drag on until at least March, because I can easily see them having a face team vs. Aces & Eights at Lockdown, but I’m getting real tired of waiting for some kind of progression other than “We have to wait for Sting to come back, so here are more ladies fresh from the stripper farm while we basically do nothing.”
On the plus side, however, we now have Easily Bent Rubber Hammer, my favourite unmasked member of Aces & Eights.
Worst: Oh no, what if …
I swear to god, if this is a long-form lead in to Jeff Jarrett returning I am rage-quitting TNA.
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Fun Fact: Danielle is as fun to hang out with in person as she is in print.
Additional Fun Fact: We met a guy on the bus that was very into TNA. (He looked a lot like Teddy from Bob’s Burgers.) The things he liked about Impact were: Aces & Eights and the Gut Check Challenge.
Additional Additional Fun Fact: This week’s edition is super awesome. The Aries logo/Supermarket Sweep revelation caused me to crack up so hard that I feared for my life.
Holy crap, he WAS Teddy! I can’t believe I didn’t realise it until now. He is the inflatable cheese wheel of the weekend!
And guys, T-Boggs is neither a bear, nor does he carry a toboggan (yet), but he’s craaaazy awesome.
He’s not a bear in real life? If Alex turns out to not be a cat wearing s tie I will be crushed.
i am totes gonna meets y’alls canadian wrassle bros one of these days.
Alex will always be a cat in a tie to me.
Come visit Canada! Home of the Eiffel Tower! (Wait, that’s not us? Fuck.)
what about home of a guy that’s seen the Eiffel Tower?
I used to live in Las Vegas, so I’ve seen the non-union American equivalent.
The more efficient Eiffel Tower!
Eiffel Tower! Sorry, had to interject an IT Crowd reference.
Shabbydude, you USED to lived in Vegas!?
You missed your chance at meeting a real life cat in a tie.
Hey, our Eiffel Tower may not be France’s Eiffel Tower, but, it can fire off American nukes that are pointed towards Russia. So there’s that. . . Even though real Canadians would never consider Toronto as part of Canada.
Also, hope you didn’t sit on Teddy’s hamster…
ponderosaaaaa pine
Wait, wait, wait! Here comes Lee Marvin! Thank God! He’s always drunk and violent!
TNA has really made me dislike Sting, which I thought was impossible.
Have you ever met Steve Borden? It is the worst and will make you sad inside.
ait, Tessenmonistat is a thing?!
I think I saw an ad for it on TNA shop, Joey Ryan was lubing himself up with it. Maybe I’m thinking of something else. The holidays have been a blur.
Wait, TNA sells things?
If TNA got the entire Dudley Clan for a wedding episode, I would drop watching WWE forever and switch sides to TNA.
+1
spike as the ringbearer or gtfo
I’m talking Bid Dick Dudley, Dances With Dudley, Dudley Dudley, Sign Guy Dudley! If we don’t get a wide shot of Stacy Kiebler wiping tears away with Clooney at her side, I’ll riot.
Big Dick is slightly dead.
Oh.. Well at least, I want Devon to acknolwedge him in memoriam during the best man’s speech.
What about Sleepy, Happy, and Grumpy Dudley?
With Joel Gertner presiding over the wedding.
Bashful Dudley likes to hide under the tables Devon sets up.
Get out of there little guy! Don’t be scared, we all want to be your friends!
Also, Bashful, a much bigger man is about to be 3D’D through there! We don’t want you to get smushed!
Part of the fun of watching this show (which, believe me with all the Hogans running around is in short supply for me), is in coming here to read the new names for Robbie T. So, thank you for that. Also, Tessmacher tries, damn it. SIGH, it’s forever my curse that the girls in pro graps I really like always end up getting shafted into being announcers, or dropped from their contracts. :(
It is one of my very favourite reasons to write about him!
I think the problem is that a) she doesn’t have to accomplish anything, so trying doesn’t mean much, and b) she’s stuck in the Diva-trained style of wrestling. Her lariats make me want to punch stuff.
So… Wedding prep montage, “Devon… Set the table!”.
I want to hug this comment.
ha ha ha XD
oh god that would be the best thing ever in the history of all time !
I would love to see devon at least in that wedding !!
omg, I could read Ohio Valley Wrestling Camp fan-fiction forever. I hope Abyss never comes back.
agreed a million percent
I’m hoping it becomes the Impact version of “Jack Swagger of Mars”. It was wonderful.
Thanks, guys! I dunno if I’ll have a reason to write about it again, but writing about Joseph Park made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I wanted to scrap the rest of the column and just write TH’HOGANS DO STUFF HERE’S MORE JOE PARK. Then seven pages of Joseph Park adventures.
“I swear to god, if this is a long-form lead in to Jeff Jarrett returning I am rage-quitting TNA.”
Look deep into your heart…you know this to be true.
Sorry, I’ve chosen to fill my heart with Joe Park and LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR OR READ YOU
I love that Mr. Anderson when introducing himself said he was a “chiseled 230″ or some nonsense like that and then proceeded to keep his shirt on. Nice work tubbs.
He’s wrestled with a shirt for so long, it kinda freaks me out when he’s not wearing one.
The Rite Of Passage, Part 1
Now it was customary among the Park clan than when a boy reached the age of 13 he had to go through a right of passage to be allowed into manhood. From what I’ve been told, this rite was always different, on account of it being a personal experience and all. Now I must admit that his next tale is hearsay, as it done been told to me by Jebediah himself, on account of him havin’ to do the rite by himself all personal like. Still, I have never known ol’ Jeb to be a man tell untruths or to exa… make up wild tales. What follows are the word of Jebediah Park, straight from his mouth:
Upon the day of my thirteenth birthday I wandered into the Wahacheetalle county woods for inspiration, as was customary of my clan. I walked five hours and five more, till the sun set and shadow passed onto the wood. During the night I made a fire and tossed pine combs and acorns into it. As the fire crackled and danced upon the shapes of the trees, I sat naked close to the flames, allowing them to caress my skin and fill my lungs full of smoke. As I sat there and meditated upon the teachings of my pappy and his pappy and his pappy before him, I fell into a trance and began having visions.
I saw a lake surrounded by trees on three sides, with rolling hills upon the fourth. I witnessed as birds flew onto the lake and dipped their bodies into the cool waters. Then my vision moved toward one end of the lake whereupon I caught sight of a small island. As my gaze fixated upon the small piece of land surrounded and nearly submerged by the water, three words kept repeating in my mind: Find the ring, find the ring, find the ring.
I awoke in the morning full of questions, but also full of hope and wonder. I knew now what I must do. Also, my nose was done packed full of soot and my eyebrows and most my hair were singed off, not to mention that a chipmunk had done begun to nibble on my toes.
I wandered back toward civilization, but not toward East Squirrelville, oh no, I knew exactly where I must go. I wandered toward Parts Unknown, West Virginia, the ancient home of my clan, where bad toothed bearded fellas, giant gangly types with skin sores, and masked men wearing stretchy fabrics roamed the streets. That is where I would begin my journey…
To be continued…
yes! yes! yes!
READ ME MORE! aah, this is great
These are wonderful. I must know what happens next!
Love this write-up so much! I might have to wear my new shirt AND my cape to fully express how much
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
hahaha
regarding Aces and Eights and that stupid rubber hammer. My wife wanted to know why a hammer to the back would knock you unconscious. I told her “because wrestling”. How about they start using a different signature weapon?
What weapons were in the Road Rash games? They should use those.
I vote rubber chickens.
Road Rash was all about the chain
yeah why would a biker gang have a ball pen hammer? Do they hang drywall during the day? Chains, tire irons and beer bottles make way more sense.
you have the hammer so you can smash a dude’s mirror as you drive past on your motor bike
those hooligans!
Or maybe not as many close ups on the CLEARLY NOT REAL hammer? The wide shot of it lying in the ring was amazing, though.
I want you to know, Danielle, (Or Brendan, as you like to be called.) (I’m going to get that over or die trying.) that I sat and watched most of Impact last night because your reports are so good.
TNA still feels like WCW with even less charisma to me, (Outside of Daniels and Kazarian, who are amazing) but I suppose I’m hooked now, in that “Can’t look away from this impending trainwreck” fashion.
Also, posted this and Monday’s RAW B&W on Reddit. Got many downvotes for the Raw one. As someone who reads reddit, I hate the people there. Although I guess exposure is good.
Stop making fun of Brennan’s name, you guy! ;)
Thanks! That’s the best compliment! I’m glad it was this week and not last week’s episode. That got dangerously bad. Welcome to the fold!
I hate everything about TNA. Why do I read this column?!
Because the write-up is just so darn tootin’ entertaining :-)
*gasp* You hate Joseph Park?
It’s cool, though. He’s a badass lawyer who would still be friends with you anyways.
I refuse to believe that ANYONE could hate Daniels & Kazarian and still have a soul.
kaz and daniels, joseph park, the robbies (when they’re just having fun and not wrestling) and now the newly found friendship between aries and roode are the best things everrr~ !
My favorite part of this show was Brooke Hogan trying to wriggle her way way from Aces and Eights for like 5 minutes. Her stone-face expression never changed. It was an an animated GIF come to life. I have been so annoyed that TNA has saddled one of its baddest motherfuckers with a romance angle involving an old piece of leather and his awful daughter. If the end result end up being Ray fucking them both over and breaking that spray-tanned-arguably-sentient definition of nepotism’s heart, I will consider it all a big win.
All speculations and jokes about those suntan lotion pictures aside, you probably shouldn’t have someone in a torrid romantic situation who looks at their dad the same way she looks at kidnappers, which is the same way she looks at the love of her life.
She is a student at the Joey Tribiani school of smell-the-fart acting.
Aces and Eights attack people collectively like goons attacking the hero in king-fu movies.
“I’ gonna go tack Hohogan now. ”
“OK, I wait til u done, then I take my turn.”
“Can I go next?”
“No, I next, then him, you be patient.”
“I sorry. You want bendy hammer?”
“OK, his friend got uh bat, how can we win now?”
“I dont know. Let’s go home.”
“Strippers!!!”
Wrestling has been using the movie ninjas gang attack scheme for decades now. Oddly enough, even when the movie ninjas gang attack scheme succeeds in taking out a target, it is easily countered by a single person running to the ring with a head of steam.
Sometimes it’s countered merely by playing entrance music.
Entrance music has been scientifically PROVEN to immobilize people for up to a minute or more. I don’t know why they don’t just play it outside of embassies when violent protests occur.
And yeah, I know its been around forever, this angle just seems to be using it as badly as I’ve ever seen. These guys had so much potential and every week they are made to look like the biggest bunch of bufoons/pussies(buffussies?) ever amassed. Who gives a shit anymore? Maybe its the fact that gang strategy is actually being used to affect on the other wrestling show, and that their new stable is being made to look dominant andd successful one a regular basis, but this angle has been terrible.
i want to hug Man of 1004 Holds’s dialogue
brb stealing “bufussies.”
Also, as just stupid as it is, I much prefer bendy hammer to aytch’s sledgehammer, with which he can never ACTUALLY hit someone with in the manner you’d actually hit a person with a sledgehammer.
Keith, clearly you’ve never been a steel-drivin man. When I worked the rails, that is absolutely how I slung my hammer. I’d put in the spike, then jab at it with the top of the sledge. It’s how JOHN HENRY did it.
And also Danielle I’d be honored.
Is the wedding going to be Bischoff’d by the TNA version of 3-Minute Warning? I nominate “Seven Minutes of Heaven”.
Speaking of, as we were in one comment chain, entrance music, TNA’s themes are nigh-universally horrible. Is Billy Corgan still involved with them? Because while I still enjoy Siamese Dream’s masturbatory ode to guitar overdubs, (And teenage me thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread) he hasn’t done anything worthwhile in at least a decade.
Maybe WWE just has better sound techs, or arenas have better acoustics than the Impact Zone, but WWE themes just sound bigger and better.
It’s pretty much all Dale Oliver. That’s why everything either has a weird country tinge, or a messed up rap, because it’s rap as interpreted by a back up country guitarist.
The hell you say? Oceania (and the free songs released before it) is freaking GREAT
Is Oceania the latest album they put out under the Pumpkins’ name? Because I didn’t bother listening to it. Reviews said it was decent, but that it was full of classic Pumpkins soundalikes, so why bother? And the Machina 2 free songs were a lot better than Machina the album I paid money for the day it came out, but that’s like comparing the Khmer Rouge to the Nazis. (Both groups are less assholish than Billy to boot.)
I was trying to think of a way to word a Spike Dudley joke last night. Good job on that end. As well as the rest of the column. (Thanks for the shout out!)
Dude, it was so great it made me make fan art of your tweet. Of course I’m gonna show some love!
Of all the things to love about “Welcome Home, Jospeh Park”, his thinking stump was my favorite. (His crush on Taeler Hendrix is probably my second.) I hope you’ll find a way to work it in to the report every week.
Me too! I love the idea of him sitting in the woods, just thinkin’ ’bout things and stuff. It makes me smile in the goofiest way.
I will see what I can do!
While I would never invest any time watching TNA (it’s a fight just to watch Raw these days), I do enjoy reading your reviews. Good work, Danielle!
PS: Prepare to rage quit TNA in 6 weeks.
Thanks! That’s shoot awesome to hear.
You should totally watch as much Joseph Park as you can. It’s like opening the curtains and letting the sun shine in on your heart.
Maybe watch some PWG, cause Brian Cage is a fucking machine.
Which one is he? Tomax or Xamot? Legit question.
I have no doubt that they’re untalented, just…maybe mix it up a little so I can remember which one is which other than “the one who has sideburns and a shiny bum?” Note: He is Xamot.
Brian Cage is Xamot. :)
That proposal segment at the end was the best kind of fuckery. It belongs in the Claire Lynch Hall of Fame.
I love when Hulk finally comes out after SAMCROMAGNON have basically threatened to pass arounf his daughter like a used sock and all he does is make the Mikayla-Maroney-is-not-impressed face. Huh? then instead of wanting to murder the group that kidnapped his daugter, he yells at her boyfriend for “getting he into this mess brother”. Just an abortion of a segment only redeemed by Bully’s evil grin and the hope that this gets blown up next week.
I was on hear reading comments and watching Smackdown so I figured I’d take this moment to give a best to CM Punks “You can never go home” promo. The man is a fucking genius.
I totally forgot to watch Smackdown. I’ve made a habit of not watching it for so long that I missed the first episode of it that I wanted to see in forever.
I have some random thoughts about this because I don’t watch Impact that much: The Hogans are kinda like the McMahons in TNA now, amirite? Brooke Hogan is quite weird looking. When did Sting become Hogan’s little buddy? Bully Ray is the least believable person to be talking about how in love he is. Spike Dudley in ANYTHING is AWESOME. That is all.
Cool beans! I get to witness my first TNA Wedding. It’s going to take a lot for it to dethrone this gem, [youtu.be] , as the best wrestling wedding in history. “THAT CAT’S GOT CLAWS!”
I can’t watch because Canada :(
Its the Johnny Curtis & Maxine Wedding from NXT, (featuring Derrick Bateman).
Holy smokes, Joseph park Ohio Valley Fan Fiction is one of the best things I’ve read in a long time. You’ve really outdone yourself, Danielle.
The
fake as ****completely real and metal Ball Peen Hammer of Maiming (+50% limb damage) is now on my list of favorite running gags in TNA, it’s fantastic. The power of the hammer is so great that it takes people out of action for weeks! Sometimes as much as a WHOLE MONTH! Fear the hammer and all its plasticky glory!My favorite part of the whole show was the Hulkster Super Sourpuss face which he managed to hold for like 15 minutes straight. That’s dedication!
I think TNA is at its best when they don’t try to be serious and just go full on campy. This is why the Team FBFF (Bad Influence) and Robbies segments are so much fun. I can’t wait until we get Eric Young back, he’s the freakin’ greatest. I can watch him elbow & collar tie up with referees and strip down to his skivvies anytime.
Side note: Favorite all-time TNA running gag: The pre-blooded towel.
One last thing: I’m happy to see that Bully Ray is a proud graduate of the John Cena school of kissing.
Almost all of my knowledge about TNA Impact comes from Chris Sims’ twitter feed, so the only worthwhile thing I have to add is
Was the redhead on tonight? Also, who’s this mysterious redhead everyone’s tweeting about?
She was not! She’s a regular, and been around for a long time. They put her in the front and scuttle the…less TV friendly…folk to the back or the sides, mostly.
Unless Jeff Hardy is wrestling, and then it’s facepaint and baggy bondage pants as far as the eye can see.
Sims is the best, so that’s not actually a bad thing!
Caught Impact last night on the DVR and figured that I should join in on the B&W commenting fun instead of lurking.
I’d like to give a Best to Earl Hebner for warning Kurt about his potty-mouth. What really made the moment was that Earl made sure to keep his lips from moving, but totally had zero awareness of how close he was to the mic. Kurt had a wondefully stunned look on his face and then completely ignored Hebner’s warning and just keep on going like an idiot. This moment summed up so much of TNA so gloriously that I watched it multiple times and kept laughing.
Regarding your Aces & Eights rage-quit scenario, here’s mine: Eric Bischoff. IIRC, he’s actually a biker-guy. I seem to remember some WCW stuff with him & his motorcycle. Eric creating his own (awful) bike gang heel stable to try to run rough-shot on TNA seems right up his alley of awful ideas.
If at first Immortal fails to succeed, try again?
Excellent! Commenting is always welcome, and, shockingly, encouraged! Welcome!
Eric Bischoff as a biker has about as much cred as the middle-aged dudes who watched Wild Hogs and went out and bought a motorcycle.
maybe you’ll give the gutcheck match a worst … but the fans of jay bradley and brian cage who were waiting for years to see them get a chance in the big leagues were the happiest people on earth when they both appeared in TNA and against each other !
I was waiting for this match since bradley announced on twitter that the best unsigned talent (that’s his old nickname … he’s signed now :) yay) is going for a bigger place !
that joseph park story was even much better than the jack swagger of mars by MUCH~
thanks for writing this danielle ! now I don’t have to imagine why davis changed his mind on park so quickly !!
when I finally noticed that the aries logo on his shirt is infact two A’s against each other like 2 months ago … I felt really dump just like you …
bully invited all the ECW guys to his marrige ! yeeeah~