Update: Part 2 is now up. Check it out!
Back in September, we shared A Golden Treasury Of Cheesy Late-80s/Early-90s WWF Promo Photos, a collection of the best photos from pro wrestler 8x10s. If you missed that ... yeah, you should click the link.
Anyway, I was never a WWF kid when I was growing up. I was born in southern Virginia and was raised on the National Wrestling Alliance -- if you're a WWF lifer, that means we had Ric Flair when you had Hulk Hogan -- and eventually what the NWA became, World Championship Wrestling. You may remember WCW from its sudden, crazy popularity in the late 1990s when Hulk Hogan became a bad guy, Sting became The Crow and WWF put as many curse words and dick jokes on television as they could to combat it. Spoiler: the dick jokes won.
That said, WCW is still my favorite thing, and if I'm going to share the worst of WWF's promo photos, I might as well dip into the endless well of embarrassment that is the WCW library. What follows is only part one of a series, because holy shit you will not believe some of these pictures.
Enjoy, and show this to everyone you've ever known.
Alex Wright, circa 1995. Fun fact: In German, "Das Wunderkind" means "how do I put on this jacket."
Also, never forget:
Poor Alex Wright, five years later. Luckily, he's not the only wrestler with a misspelled location as their name on this list.
Woman was great, but I included this picture for two reasons:
1. It looks like she's trying to pull something out of her ass, and
2. How hilarious it must be to non-wrestling fans that a wrestling promotion named a woman "Woman."
These are the American Males. Their entrance theme was called "American Males." This is that. Make sure you listen long enough to hear the lyrics.
Not Chyna, please don't sue!
Actually, gonna go ahead and say Asya's having a way better life than Chyna right now.
This promo photo is pensive and emotional, and or it's supposed to be Goldberg hiding in your closet. And, uh, your closet is in the Matrix.
Barry Darsow should receive a lifetime achievement award in the field of Making Clothes Look Uncomfortable. Between this and his Demolition bondage underpants, he's a f**king clothes scientist.
If you don't remember The Booty Girl, Diamond Dallas Page's wife/valet Kimberly briefly left him for Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, and they decided to be vaguely booty-themed. She never wore a bra, and every single one of her appearances involved me trying to see her nipples for as long as possible before either of my parents brought it up.
I'm glad it says BRAD ARMSTRONG across the bottom, because for a while I thought this was a picture of my Aunt.
"Hey guys, how do we make Buff Bagwell's skin look more horrifying than usual?"
"Cover him with oil, put him in front of a red background and shine every light we've got on him."
I had completely forgotten about Chip Minton. I love WCW's thought process. "WWF just brought in Mark Henry, Olympic weight-lifter. Who can we get?" "This guy was on the bobsled team." "PERFECT, GIVE HIM A SPLASH."
Yes, WCW put a black woman in a bright yellow dress and called her "Chiquita." Also, who's posing these women, Rob Liefeld?
God, I hope Dave Sullivan is the Teddy from 'Bob's Burgers' of Hogan's Beach.
"Sorry about that #1 Hulkamaniac gimmick, Dave. We've got an Of Mice And Men character for you. We hate you, goodbye forever."
A reminder that Stacy Keibler is the most legitimately beautiful woman in the history of pro wrestling, and that David Flair once f**ked a girl waaaaaaaaaayyyy out of his league.
"Sorry, this is the only photo we had."
Man, the impresario of camouflage really had WCW on his nuts for a while, didn't he?
Yes, WCW once took the most vocally-American person in history and made him a Canadian. Oh well, it's better than the time they made him a janitor and he won a retired championship by finding it in the garbage.
If you don't watch wrestling and have been flipping through this for the jokes, this is where you stop, because seriously.
This guy was called THE RAPMASTER but he was too stupid to write raps and too fat to walk to the ring and still have enough breath to perform them, so he just mumbled until he could say YO BABY YO BABY YO. P.N. News is my spirit animal.
WCW's thought process: "We can't market Rey Mysterio as a masked guy who defeats crazy, masked villains from around the world. Let's take off his mask, put him in a bucket hat and make him as sad as possible."
Brutus Beefcake gimmick appearance #3. Zodiac was way ahead of Daniel Bryan with the "YES! NO!" gimmick.