Ed. note – Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s epic review of Tank Abbott’s literary debut, Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel, is almost over. Today is the penultimate update, and here’s what you should’ve read already:
Today’s installment is a big one, as Bar Brawler becomes 50 Shades Of Tank with a Walter Foxx sex scene. ENJOY.
Chapter Twenty – Behind the Eight Ball:
Walter immediately calls up Wittless about his appeal being denied. Wittless thinks that since a year has passed, Walt probably won’t have to serve the six months. Walt is still mad, though, so that means Walt is drinking (He’s conscious, so that means Walt is drinking). Poppa Chulo joins Walt and they drink for a while, but then Walter’s all alone again (Well, other than Dog Fuhrer).
Walt wakes up and heads to the boxing gym, but there’s nobody to spar with, so he just beats the mess out of a heavy bag. Then Walter heads to Wong Beach State to check on his diploma status, with Adolf in the truck with him. Hitler Dog gets in the way of Walt’s mirrors, and Walter almost hits a car when he tries to merge onto the freeway on ramp. Walt tries to apologize, but both driver and passenger flip him off relentlessly. Walt’s had enough of this, so he pulls over, as does the other car. The passenger gets out, while his lady-driver friend remains inside the vehicle. The guy charges Walt, but gets punched in the face a bunch (Less than full power, Walt doesn’t want to seriously hurt the guy). The dude keeps charging, and Walt turns into future Chuck Liddell, sprawling and brawling until the guy is a bloody mess. Walt throws him down a few times, but the guy keeps getting back up despite getting trounced and his lady friend screaming at him to get back in the car. After an extended beating, the guy finally just lays down, giving Walter time to get back in his truck and drive off.
Walt finally reaches his destination of Wong Beach State college and finds out he’s got enough credits to graduate, but still needs to take a math class. Walt heads home, grills up a cheeseburger and after dinner, gets a visit from Poppa Chulo and Rolando. They start drinking and after a few games of foosball, Walt decides that Jerome La Mentiroso needs to get beaten up for his lies.
Rolando parks away from any street lights about 20 yards from La Mentiroso’s house at 2:00 AM, and he and Poppa Chulo walk to Jerome’s house while Walter stays near the car as the getaway driver. Rolando and Chulo knock on the door and then drag Jerome inside once the door is open. Walt hears the screams of pain and wishes it could be him doling out the beating. Things go quiet for a moment, but then Walt hears Amy, Jerome’s girlfriend, scream out, only to be silenced a second later. Rolando and Poppa Chulo jog back to the car and Walt drives out of danger. Rolando and Poppa Chulo regale Walt with the tale of how two guys totally gave an unsuspecting dude and his girlfriend what for, and everyone has a good laugh about it (Everyone that’s a horrible shithead, that is). Walt drives back to his place and gives his minions some cash and instructions to lay low in Tijuana for a few weeks.
• Did Walter fight? Yes!
• Walter’s opponent – 5’8” 200 pounds
• Did Walter get hit? No (3 takedowns attempted)
• Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 12+ standing arm strikes, 2 takedowns, 2+ ground arm strikes
Key lines: “It isn’t enough that the carpet has been pulled out from underneath me, it has to shock me too.”
Yes, Walt, because a minor static electricity zap is really concerning when a six month assault charge is looming.
“No more Mr. Good Guy bullshit.”
Yes, now is the time to start being a jerk.
“I spin around to meet his charge and blast this short scumbag with full phasers and a spread of photon torpedoes.”
Wow, this is quite a revelation. I wonder what iteration of Star Trek Walter likes the most.
“The lions of the coliseum have come to eat you and GUESS WHO SENT THEM?”
It was me, Austin, it was me all along!
“I drive out of town to the last stoplight in Sea Lion Beach, take a right, and make the long familiar drive through the Navel Weapons Yard.”
Nothing noteworthy about this line, I just wanted to laugh at another of Tank’s typographical errors in what I assume was a meticulously edited novel.
“Poppa Chulo mounted him and started jacking him while I kicked him in the ribs.”
I’ll admit that I’m immature enough to laugh at the ‘he started jacking him’ line. SCREW YOU, WALTER FOXX, I’M STILL NICER THAN YOU!