Tank Abbott Bar Brawler book review

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Ed. note - Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s read-through of Tank Abbott’s weird, overtly-racist debut novel Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel continues. Here’s your prerequisite reading, which you should commit to memory and know by heart:

Part 1 – Foreword, Prologue, Chapter 1
Part 2 – Chapters 2-4
Part 3 – Chapters 5-7
Part 4 – Chapters 8-10‘
Part 5 – Chapters 11-13

Today: HIGH COURT ROOM DRAMA in chapters 14-16.

Chapter Fourteen – Railroad Job:

Walter wakes up and it is finally pre-trial day! In the past four weeks, he has graduated from college, sold garage doors, and worked out. He gets to the courthouse, and John Wittless (Or as he’s sometimes referred to in the book, John Witless) says Abe Contrary is offering a 99-day sentence, but Walt’s having none of that. They head to the court room, and Foxx’s stomach drops to discover some “old blueblood” lady is his judge! Walter whines about the judge not understanding what his life is all about, and then whines about the district attorneys screwing over the dumb criminals, but he’s too smart for some geek DA to get over on him. Wittless enters a plea of not guilty, and court is set in two weeks.

Walt heads home, shares breakfast with Adolf, then goes out on some garage door bids. He meets a lady that claims he’s destined for greater things in life. He finishes his bids, picks up Adolf, grabs some vodka and cranberry, and does some more drunk driving. Out for a twelve pack, but there’s nothing happening in Happening Beach, so it’s home to drink beers with Hitler-Dog. Walt wakes up, takes Adolf with him to boxing practice, and imagines Abe Contrary’s face on the heavy bag. Walt repeats the process of work, training, and mild partying until the two weeks are up and it’s officially Trial Time.

Wittless lets Walt know that the 99-day offer is still on the table, but Foxx refuses, so it’s time to select a jury (Probably not of Walt’s peers, but it’ll be close enough). The jury is chosen, and there’s not many sympathetic faces that Walt can spot (It’s a “hard-ass construction-looking guy”, a surfer, six middle-aged or older women, two white collar dudes, and three college-age girls. I don’t know if Walt/Tank is smart enough to put 13 down because of alternates, or he just lost count). Walter and Wittless go over the witness list and Walt points out some obvious flaws in the victim’s story that Wittless missed. Walter spots a familiar name on the witness list and excuses himself so he can call Mikey to make sure that Bo Bradley doesn’t testify if he knows what’s good for him (So lying is out, but witness intimidation is fine? WHATEVER, WALT!). Walter returns to the court room and it is time to call the first witness.

Fight Stats:

• Did Walter fight? Nope.

Key lines: “I can tell she’s an intellectual with no concept of the street rules of behavior or of personal combat.”

Well, Walt, when it comes to judges, they mostly deal with the legal rules of behavior and don’t give a shit about what goes on in THE STREETS.

“She’s the type of person who’s read a thousand books but never lived a page.”

Is that the purpose of this novel? To let the stuffy types experience one iota of Tank Abbott’s life? Because if so, Tank’s life seems pretty crappy, just getting drunk and punching dudes that are, at worst, slightly annoying.

“Wittless looks as stupid as his name today.”

Bullshit, Tank! You can’t give a character a stupid name and then have your dumb, asshole protagonist call him out on that dumb name.

“I’ll put your face in my ghostly memory and come back and haunt your ass, you bastard.”

Walter Foxx is going to be racist FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

“I can’t help but think that a fence can also keep people in.”

Whoa, I never thought about the true duality of fences like that before, Walter! So you’re saying that when a man puts up a border to protect himself, he’s actually isolating himself from the rest of the world? Deep stuff, bro. (Where is the sarcasm button on my computer, is it broken again?)

“Abe Contrary starts his voir doir and evaluates the jurors.”

I think you mean “voir dire”, Walt.