The new Ernest Hemingway.

Ed. note - Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s read-through of Tank Abbott’s Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel continues. Here’s your prerequisite reading, if you haven’t been following along:

Part 1 – Foreword, Prologue, Chapter 1
Part 2 – Chapters 2-4
Part 3 – Chapters 5-7
Part 4 – Chapters 8-10

… and if you haven’t been following along, what’s wrong with you? Today’s installment: Chapters 11-13.

Tank Abbott WCW Mike Tenay

Chapter Eleven – Liar, Liar:

Walt heads to the courthouse to meet up with his lawyer, Barry Repel. Walter and Barry try to figure out why the cops are looking for him, since Walt says he’s been good for a while (Or, rather, hasn’t been caught recently). After getting his file from the lazy government employees, Walter discovers that the quarterback-type he beat up for slapping his girlfriend in chapter two is accusing Walt of assault.

According to one Jerome La Mentiroso, Walter and his hippie friend were pissing on the side of a church when Jerome was all “That’s not cool” but Walter was all “I’ll show you cool” and beat him up. Further hindering Walter’s situation is that Jerome’s dad is a detective for the Sea Lion Beach police department, and he’s been pushing the DA to build a case against Walter. This sets Walt off and he starts screaming that Jerome, his dad, and the DA are liars, so Walter will lie as well.

Because they were in a courthouse full of witnesses, Barry explains that he can’t represent Walter, but will put him in touch with other lawyers. Unfortunately the other lawyers cost way too much for Walter (Barry has some sort of frequent defendant discount card), so he decides to go with John Wittless, a guy his friends have used in the past. Walter gets put on edge because he encounters some Mexicans on his way to Wittless’s office, and as we all know, Walter Foxx doesn’t handle being in the presence of other ethnicities very well. Walt thinks he should have just murdered Jerome outright, as it would have saved him from dealing with all the lies. Walter talks with Wittless and arranges to meet him at the courthouse the next day with $2500.

Walter goes in to work, puts in his two-week notice at the liquor store and passes time by watching Jeopardy and soundly beating the contestants. He heads home, watches Letterman with Adolf, and then it’s off to class in the morning and the courthouse in the afternoon. Walt meets up with Wittless and his judge (Who is a lady, gross!) has dealt with him before, so that’s another detriment to his chances. The deputy district attorney, Abe Contrary (Probably because everything he says is contrary to the truth) tells Wittless that Walter is a convicted felon and crystal meth dealer in Happening Beach (Contrary to the truth!). Since Walter turned himself in, there’s no bail and pretrial is in four weeks.
With the warrant out on him gone, Walter is in the clear until pretrial, when he needs to bring another $2500 to Wittless. Walt heads home, harnesses up Adolf, and heads to his parents’ house where he whines to his mom about all the liars.

Fight Stats:

• Did Walter fight? No.

Key lines: “Like all typical government employees they are walking around like zombies with nothing to do.”

Walter Foxx thinks this whole system is bullshit, man.

“He’s wearing a gray, pinstriped Armani suit with a red silk tie that really pops.”

If there’s one thing Walter Foxx loves more than fighting, it is fashion.

“I’m in the middle of downtown Santa Ana and border brothers are everywhere, wearing cowboy hats, pushing food carts, and selling ice cream and churros.”

Walter, please stop being a racist dick.

“Now that I think about it I should have just killed him. That way his lies wouldn’t have put me here.”

Yes, because if you murder him, he wouldn’t have been able to accuse you of anything, so you’d be safe from all legal ramifications.

“There’s no Barry, I have a woman judge who has heard about me, Abe Contrary is a geek, and John Witless is my attorney.”

That’s a mighty big pickle ol’ Walt’s got himself into now. Oh, and that’s Tank’s typo in Wittless’s name.