Best: WE KNOW WHO THAT IS, TAZ
… and here’s where the show gets good.
The motherf**king NATURE BOY Ric Flair returned to the company that has publicly humiliated him the least (believe it or not) to present the award for Superstar Of The Year, and even though it looks like he’s just coloring the top of his head with a highlighter now, he’s still the best American pro wrestler of all time and I’m going to be happy about it.
Of course, it’s also pretty hard to stop making Impact jokes whenever he appears now, because I spent a couple of years watching him stuff his bones into a man-sized scrotum filled with exploding blood in matches against Mick Foley or Hulk Hogan or whoever, and that’s not something I can just pretend didn’t happen. My favorite jokes so far are the declaration that Flair is here to cast the deciding vote in tonight’s Gut Check (© Chris Sims) and my subconscious fantasy booking where Fortune is about to run out and attack CM Punk.
There is a reason I did not let myself write The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling, and it involves me not being able to stop laughing out loud at their 6,000 different company-controlling heel stables.
Best: CM Punk Is Awesome When He’s Right
THIS is the CM Punk I love.
The guy who is pissed off about something, really pissed off for real, deep down in his core, and can tell you about it. Most importantly, the guy who is RIGHT. When the Summer Of Punk hit, we didn’t start liking him because he was a cool personality and had awesome catchphrases and sweet T-shirts, it was because he was saying shit nobody else would say about the show, and he was RIGHT. It wasn’t an “each and every one of you” moment, it was “this company is run by people who don’t care about the audience, and it won’t get any better until Vince is dead and we stop circle-jerking Cena and Rock and Austin and anybody who made us money before right now.” When he yelled in Vince’s face, he was right. When he was running down Alberto Del Rio for being Mexican, feuding with Chris Jericho over whether or not he walked into a building that serves alcohol or calling John Laurinaitis names, he wasn’t right, he was going along with the same shit he rallied against in the summer.
So here, in a moment that absolutely does not make sense and needs everyone involved having I HATE YOU yelled in their faces (the WWE Universe naming John Cena Superstar Of The Year after the kayfabe worst year of his career, then Cena saying something about hustle, loyalty and respect before giving the award to Ric Flair for no reason and bailing), here’s Punk to do it for us. He’s totally right. It’s ridiculous on multiple levels. Cena didn’t deserve the award (or to even be nominated … Show had a much better year than him, for example), Flair hasn’t been around, nobody’s respecting his run as champion and not everybody idolizes Ric Flair now because he’s kind of a f**k-up. He didn’t sarcastically quip “pipe bommmmmb” after it, but it blew Flair and Cena the hell up.
Be this Punk, Punk. This is right.
Best: Punk Versus Flair Was The Best Match On The Show
I really wish the rest of the show could’ve been this good.
This whole segment was great, and totally justified — in addition to Punk being totally right, Flair was justified in making it physical, because Punk started poking him in the chest like an asshole. Flair didn’t cheapshot him on the stage … he brought him to the ring, to do it like wrestlers. When they were in the ring, Flair (the good guy) didn’t take the easy road out and kick Punk in the nuts or whatever, he challenged him to a fight … and PUNK was the one to cheapshot FLAIR. Because good guys and bad guys. Flair came back just enough to look viable without “knocking Punk out” (with a thumb to the eye, unlike Bret Hart KO’ing Punk with one punch without taking any shots himself and barely moving). Heyman had a reason to get beaten up, too … unlike the Triple H or John Cena moments, Heyman wasn’t just “being annoying,” he distracted Flair so Punk could get in the cheap shot. So sure, he deserves to get it. See how f**king easy this is? Say what you want about grey areas and the old school shit not playing anymore, but good guys being good guys and bad guys being bad guys works.
Best: The Shield
Speaking of bad guys, how effective are The Shield right now? When their music hit, and we caught a sight of them walking down through the crowd and went to commercial, I was legitimately excited to see where we’d be when we came back. And when we came back, it wasn’t just “everybody wait until the cameras are back on” … Daniel Bryan and Kane were out to help Flair fight these guys off. WHY CAN THE REST OF THE SHOW NOT BE THIS GOOD. It should’ve just been this whole segment, then a Krusty The Klown Show-style fast-moving credits list of everyone who won Slammys.
I don’t know if The Shield is going to be able to keep up their momentum (them teaming up together to make a run at the Royal Rumble will/would be nice), but man, I hope they keep it up. They got a huge rub from that TLC victory on Sunday, and they kept it going on Raw. It helps that they’re showing up to brutalize people and attack Ric Flair instead of being forced to do faux awards show comedy alongside Santino.
Worst: Ryback’s Non-Stop Hero Entrances
The only downside to the moment was Ryback, who deserves to be out here taking it to The Shield, and all, but God, how many times is his music going to hit in the middle of a fight to announce his arrival? Why can’t he just run out with Daniel Bryan and Kane and fight off The Shield if he hates them so much? Why wait until all of your friends are hurt? I know you’re doing it for DRAMA~, but the pop’s going to happen when he starts running down the ramp, we don’t need to hear 10 seconds of his music first.
Rollins bouncing off the announce table was pretty great, though. Be careful, guys, or you’ll have another Jeff Hardy on your hands. I mean that both the good and bad ways.
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Thanks Big E. Stroud.
I really hope WWE tapes in Hartford soon so when Big E shows up people get confused about why there’s a state fair themed wrestler.
(cracks open door to Crap-Storm Shelter)
Is the episode over? Is it safe to come out?
loooool XD
Brodus Clay exists so that he can go RAWR on Saturday Morning Slam. It’s meaningless to you and me, but to the kids they’re looking to indoctrinate? Yeah, it means something.
We love you too B. Wrestling Bros 4 lyfe! And thanks, as always.
“This is a worse idea than having AJ be the Harley Quinn to Dean Ambrose’s Mista J.”
Everything is a worse idea than this. This statement totes gave me a semi.
My suggestion that AJ and Ziggler become a new Team Rocket still stands.
I may like papermint’s suggestion more than mine. No, actually, I’m sure I do.
only if AJ dyes her hair red.
I like it because of her follow-up comment of Meowth being “fursuit Jack Swagger”.
I’ve been dreaming of a tag team tournament, with a “million dollar prize” that’s ultimately won in a ladder match by the team of Big Show and Mark Henry after all the ladders break so Mark picks up Show on his shoulders piggyback style to reach the briefcase.
I thought it was odd that Kaitlyn did the post-match pose for maybe two seconds. Either she thought it was dumb, and didn’t commit, or someone at ringside was telling her to GTFO because it was time for another Slammy.
Well, it was all valuable time they could have spent plugging their mobile app.
Next Halloween, I can see Butters staring into a mirror, saying “Big E. Langston. Big E. Langston. Big E. Langston.”
Big E. Langston would only appear after Butters said his name twice more.
Someone on the live thread last night misheard Big E’s name and thought Cole said “Biggie Kingston” and I want that to be his name so, so much now.
pictures of Cena kissing are awful.
poor, sweet natty :’(
I know ;-;
Ditto. I love Nat
Can you photoshop your life with better decisions, Nattie?
I really am impressed by Brandon’s lack of yelling on this. I was pulling my hair out all night ready to drop a diatribe.
Yes, if I wasn’t Christmas drunk and basking in the afterglow of a really great TLC PPV, I would’ve probably turned it off. It might have been the worst Raw of the year.
Sweet makeout moves, D-Bates.
Just want to clarify that when I said “Happy Brandon Report” it was not a slight against your other reports. Just that when the show is good, the reports are more fun to read.
This show did not deserve a Happy Brandon Report.
The most impressive thing WWE has done is make me roll my eyes at Ziggler running in to cash the briefcase, as in “Oh how is he not going to be allowed to cash in this time?” The fact that it was sour grapes Cena made me depressed more than anything. I feel like I shouldn’t be cynical about something like that, but you know, way to go Cena.
back in the top comments! YES! YES! YES!
props to Alex on the assist!
It’s like we did a comment alley-oop! :D
Please don’t think I’m picking a fight here, but I don’t understand why Antonio doing the smart thing and just leaving doesn’t fall squarely into the “this is what faces do/this is what heels do” dynamic. Wasn’t losing by count-out the way Money Inc kept their titles for so long? …I mean, I don’t *like* the “cowardly heel” thing, because it’s done too much. But… I don’t know. This seemed more ‘smart’ than ‘cowardly.’
It’s not what heels who are bigger and stronger and better than their opponents usually do. If it was Cody Rhodes wrestling Ryback, then yeah, sure.
Just running away doesn’t fit with Cesaro’s MO either. An easy fix here would have had him lose via a count out that looks suspiciously like Cesaro sand-bagging it.
OK, yeah, that makes sense.
When I saw the match was happening, I (and I think a lot of us here) were afraid WWE would do the stupidest thing possible, and have Ryback dominate him. So at least that didn’t happen.
I said it last night, but I’ll say it again here: Ryback beating Cesaro for the US title is a good thing for both of them. Ryback needs some kind of belt to legitimize his “monster” push, and Cesaro will then be free to become the main event heel that he should be.
If Cesaro cut a promo about how he didn’t want to spend any more time around your American corn fed meathead than he had to, I feel like that would make it okay.
True, that outcome was like #3 on my worst fears for the result of that match.
He should just go the full monty and compare Ryback to other “great” american sports heroes like Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong.
‘EY FELLA, YOU PICKIN’ A FOIT?!?
Though I think Cesaro should get a minor best for strapping the title over his shoulder like it was a backpack. Made me laugh anyway.
You guys will love the Smackdown outcome then…
Flair knows a genuine Panaphonics when he sees one
Hi. I don’t post here often but here’s my opinion on John Cena’s motivation behind attacking Ziggler. I know WWE isn’t known for being ambiguous with their character development, but I’d like to think that this is how the reasoning went down. Cena’s supposed to be a superhero, a super face and a really good guy, when in reality he’s obsessed with winning and he probably goes against human instinct and his natural greed every time he tries to be a nice guy. He isn’t a face, he’s just being a face because he has to be. So attacking Ziggler was a moment where he let emotion get the better of him, and as best as Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole and a hapless JBL could they sort of conveyed that by not really trying to justify it especially after Sheamus’ actions were justified just a second earlier.
So Cena attacking Ziggler wasn’t justified or a face move, it was just something he did because he was frustrated with everything that had happened to him, capped by winning Superstar of the Year in a year where he didn’t even deserve to be kayfabe nominated. He lost to Ziggler and felt he deserved the case so he attacked him, and I think it’s as simple as that. I think it probably would have been better if he was a little more despondent in his acceptance speech and simply came out and said he didn’t deserve it or whatever, but I don’t think it’s a huge deal that he did that, it’s not like Ziggler doesn’t have the case anymore.
It makes more sense seen that way, but this theory can only be validated by Cena himself: he rarely acknowledges that “emotion got the better of him”, since he “never quits”.
But if we get a John Cena with human emotions, as you described, I’m all for it
I watched this entire show last night, live as it happened, and have literally ZERO recollection of there even being a Funkasaurus/JTG match. How is that possible?
You blinked at the wrong time.
I hope they didn’t push Fandango to debut at the Royal Rumble, where he’ll be forgotten because of (name) returning.
But what if he and Brodus are in the ring together, and they pause the match to dance? How awesome would that be? And then Rikishi shows up again?
…And then Cesaro comes out and kills all of them.
Yes! All of that please.
Also, I’ll remain skeptical of this ADR face turn. Maybe I expected too much out of Miz’s turn and he broke my heart by calling Sandow and Rhodes gayboys. So when ADR calls Paul Heyman a walrus, I will not feel as sad as I could have been.
Eh. It wouldn’t be any worse than the 10,000 times he called Rey a chihuahua to zero reaction.
I like The Shield theme music with the crackling radio and the use of the NATO Phonetic Alphabet to spell out “Shield”, then that awesome riff.
Agreed, Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta, to be specific. Phonetic Alphabet ftw
I could never figure out what goofy loooking bastard Ryback reminded me of. Brandon, you nailed it. “WE ARE THE GENERALS! YOU ARE THE ENEMY!”
LOL out loud at “Miz Amigos”
I’m mad that I didn’t come up with it first!
I’m mad you didn’t, too!
I do love that the ADR/Miz/Well-known local guy trio seems to be a running thing.
mostly because it’s not Miz holding a microphone while being an unlikable dweeb.
As long as ADR has Ricardo, he’ll be an effective face. I mean, look at RR, the guy vomits lovability. Every week for a while he can get beaten up by Primo or whoever, and ADR will run out and save him. Until Del Rio gets tired of saving him so decides to train him to take care of himself, resulting in at least 9 hilarious and heartwarming video packages showing their development. Del Rio will become more lovable, and Ricardo will become an awesome wrestler. And then they come and live with me. The end.
All of this needs to happen and be documented extensively.
CAN I MOVE IN WITH YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you need a next door neighbor? I’m a quiet guy, who snowblows neighbors driveways and sidewalks unprompted.
I like this idea.
I’m totally for this idea if it results in an ADR/Ricardo training montage that ends with them hugging it out on a beach a la Apollo Creed/Rocky from Rocky 3.
Tres Compañía!
So…am I the only one who just re-read the Best and Word of No Way Out 2007? Man, I’m glad I wasn’t watching wrestling at that time…
I was watching and thanks for putting last night in perspective for me.
My interaction with wrestling at the time only consisted in playing Smackdown Versus Raw with a friend. Maybe it was for the best.
I was watching… I’ve seen some things man and some stuff… I wouldn’t recommend it.
Yeah but THIS BUSINESS
Sheamus vs Bryan at Extreme Rules, best WWE match of the year? Fair. I still prefer Punk vs Bryan at OTL but it was really an awesome match taking place during a great PPV.
Other than these two, since it’s the awards season, which matches stood out? I’d say last Sunday’s 6-man TLC match and maybe a CM Punk vs Cena.
I’d really get behind AJ being the one that let The Shield in to begin with, and now she’s just bringing in NXT guys to ruin fuck up everyone’s good day.
AJ was never viewed as anything more than “The Girl” to these guys. She was sexualized, and made in to something she never wanted to be. She wanted to wrestle, and she was never given that chance. She was only allowed to be a valet, and skip and say “YES”, and hold a belt.
Then she was offered a position of power, as a GM. Still not wrestling. Still not what she wanted to do. So she took the job, toed the line, did their song and dance, all while quietly bringing in guys that she knew would respect her, because they had the same dream she did: To wrestle.
So she assembles The Shield, she brings in Big E., and then fuck it tonight, she can bring in Cassius Ohno to knock Sheamus the fuck out or whatever. All the while, she was quietly scouting Dolph, because Dolph was ALSO never respected.
Super-sensitive mouse pad decided I was done typing, and posted. Whoops.
Just to tie it up, I would love that faction, and it would be way more interesting that just The Shield beating up whoever it is they want us to cheer this week.
AJ in mystical command of the NXT roster would be pretty outstanding.
I would also love that. It’s canon that she’s the one who hired Brad Maddox too, don’t forget Beef Mode.
/reads JSoM
SO MANY PUNS
The whole A.J. storyline is going to be a failure, no matter what direction it goes, because there’s no respected kayfabe place for a woman in the WWE.
What could possibly be her ultimate goal? Divas champion? (Don’t make me laugh.) Managing GM Supervisor-type person? (To be overruled at Vince’s whim, plus we’ve been down that road before.) Even if it’s as simple as getting revenge on the men she feels used and wronged her, well… WWE is a never-ending story, so at what point is victory, and what happens after?
Wrestling is always going to have a denouement problem, but at least for the wrestlers there’s the promise of new matches and feuds. For A.J., the only possible result is for her to end up as much less important than she is right now, and that makes me sad.
Ideally, the storyline would create more respected positions for women in WWE, or at the very least create a Divas division with interesting people and characters in it instead of “pointer” and “bitch.”
No, her ultimate goal should be to be the puppetmaster behind various anarchic elements throughout WWE TV.
She’s the Joker dressed like Harley Quinn.
She should never wrestle until they’ve built her up so much that the only one who can take her down is someone like Kharma (ideally it would be Chyna, but it’d be hard to take her seriously as a ‘returning hero’ at this point)
Vince’s thoughts (justifications) for the freak trio:
Khali: Giant with no knees who somehow “dances”
Hornswaggle: Leprechaun
Natalya: Woman who wrestles as well as a man (this one shocks him most of all)
I’m surprised. No Worst, not even a mention of the terrible Santino/Tensai segment where we basically watched Tensai’s WWE career fade away as if he were never there? I felt legit bad for the dude during that bit.
Also: i was so worried that Ryback was going to beat Ceasaro last night, i almost didn’t watch the match. I *guess* leaving is a better option than losing to stupid Ryback, but that whole thing just made no damn sense. Pull goddamn Yoshi Tatsu out of mothballs for Ceasaro to beat or something.
I’m really bummed about the rollercoaster WWE has put me on the past couple of days. TLC was awesome, and i was hyped for pretty much everything on that ppv. Then…RAW, and a single island of great in an ocean of terrible bullshit. I’ve never seen Big E Langston before last night, but the vacant look in his eyes and lack of expression on his face makes me think he’s just Bobby Lashley 2k12.
I’m gonna keep saying it until people listen to me: Cesaro will lose the title and it will be good for him. He’s going straight to the top, and you can tell because of the way the announcers have started verbally fellating him despite him being the heel.
He’ll lose to Ryback, but look like a boss in the process, and then get the big Royal Rumble run, or something like that, as part of his ascent to main event heel.
I hear what you’re saying, but i really don’t think it will shake out that way. If he gets a meteoric rise to the upper card, he’ll only be fed to Cena or Ryback and fall back down the ranks until fucking Fandango or whatever other terrible character is pinning him in under 3 minutes. WWE is great at a few things, but one of them (lately) hasn’t been star-making. This is why they keep going back to the well of Lesnars and Rocks and Cena is always never giving in on title matches or whatever.
He will lose to Ryback, look like a boss to us, and another midcard name to the WWE.
Plus, with as hard as Ryback is getting shoved down everyone’s throats, he doesn’t NEED the US title to get noticed. It’s better on Ceasaro right now, because it makes people stand out and take notice of him. Plus, he’s doing awesome at the “you Americans can’t even beat me to get your US title back, haw haw” thing. All while sneakily being the absolute best wrestler on the roster, bar none.
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Right back into the road trip to hell aka the build to the Royal Rumble AKA the match that means nothing since just about everyone involved is going to Wrestlemania these days. TLC is how they hook you back in, sitting in the backseat as your idiot friends sing whatever lame music they picked up five seconds ago, and the driver’s asshole cousin won’t stop farting. There will be interesting stops, but you always sit there in that backseat, seething with untold loathing for yourself and your horrible taste in friends.
Indy wrestling, if you get a good one, is being the driver of said road trip. Nothing sucks because you are God and the poor fools stuck depending on you for a ride back home is all the succor you will ever need.
ah that Repo Men line was sweet.
This report was more enjoyable than the entire show. I was glad to see Sheamus finally BE A STAR and act like the “next Cena” they want him to be. And I will always be glad to get another chapter of JSoM.
Thank you, Brandon, for a great year of reports and live threads! Can’t wait to see what the next year brings us. YAY WRESTLING!
Poor X-Pac he was my second favorite wrestler…not just in DX but ever….but once I stopped watching wrestling I guess his G.Q. rating went under.
He is the worst. A solid #2 on my list of least favorite wrestlers.
I’ll chalk it up to age difference since I was 13-15 for the DX run so all of that was tailor made for me at the time.
Kaitlyn can do Eve’s pose ALL DAMN DAY for all I care.
If she’d done it and gotten the picture taken, I might’ve handled it better.
“She is World Wrestling Entertainment’s Jerry Gergich, and I will never understand it.”
Holy cow, do I hear that.
(Also awesome column as always.)
Loved this column, as well as the TLC report. This was a disappointment after a surprisingly good TLC.
I got super excited when Big E murdered Cena. He’s a Ryback that I actually care about. That said, I haven’t seen anything on NXT or FCW to suggest he’s ready for a main event feud.
See How It Goes(TM)?
I’m hoping for the best for him. It will be a challenge for me to take him seriously as a monster though, as he has the face of sullen child.
I hope they promote Big E Langston as the son of Ice Train
God bless you brandon for drawing the comparisons between raw and glee. Its been over a year that ive been trying to tell people that glee and wrestling are pretty much the same product. Writers do the same thing, just swap songs and matches. Same product.
I’m not sure if Santino acknowleding that Tensai = Albert could help the big guy out. It could take some of the “fun” out of the stupid chanting, and give him more to play on personality-wise. Shouting “I came back from Japan for this sh*t?” and murdering Brodus Clay springs to mind.
Have Big E Langston be AJ’s “Zombie and/or lethal lap-dog” Ziggler doesn’t need her to progress his storyline.
As for Kaitlyn posing, I got the feeling she more or less ad-libed it, that’s why it was so short…
Yeah that was a weird one. It read to me like they were just giving up on the Tensai thing. Maybe he’ll go away and come back as Albert, or promo away the old gimmick.
Just another weird stomping-on-their-own-kayfabe segment from the WWE!
Loved the idea of ADR training Ricardo. But I would rather have Ricardo plead with him to get help to train, so he can defend himself from all the psychos (Shield, Randy Orton, Santino Marella), and have ADR be a hard taskmaster…
Nattie has been dancing awkwardly since attempting the Funkasaurus dance last Friday:
[youtu.be]
I keep hoping that ADR and Miz’s partner will end up being EL LOCAL.
And I can’t believe that Tensai went full Shockmaster.
You NEVER go full Shockmaster.
Who do you guys think is a better wrestler, Ziggler or Cesaro? They just have two completely different styles its hard for me to choose. Ziggler’s more Shawn Michaels and Cesaro is more William Regal…
The best. Always the best.
Has anyone actually called his mother? Maybe if one of us follows through, he can start a new gimmick.
Yeah but without his gimmick he’s just another big guy that’s kind of there. He doesn’t have any personality that we know of and half his offense his stopping to dance randomly.
Great write up as always, Bro-Stro. I’m so glad that I didn’t watch Raw on Monday.
I’d like to add another worst that people don’t normally mention. Worst: WWE’s website and the subtle racism they put in their match summaries.