Worst: Objective – Perform The Attitude Adjustment To The Big Show
1. The (third) main event was fine and all, but reeked of that WWE video game storyline thing where you have to perform a certain task to trigger a cut scene. Cena wrestled the entire match with PERFORM THE ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT TO THE BIG SHOW in the top right corner of his screen, and when he pulled it off, the game cut to both men lying in the ring unable to move and OH NO HERE’S THE SHIELD! AND NOW HERE’S TEAM HELL NO! HERE’S SHEAMUS, BUT HE CAN’T PUNCH THE GUY HE’S DOWN HERE TO PUNCH, SO UH, HE’S PUNCHING ZIGGLER! And so on. I kinda just wanted to hit X and move on to the next match.
2. Dolph Ziggler should be careful about his “stealing the show every night!” talking point. It’s the only one he makes. Cole’s like “hey, why don’t you win important matches” and Lawler’s like “hey, why didn’t you cash in the Money In The Bank briefcase when Big Show had been hit 30+ times with a chair,” and Ziggler’s response is I’M GOOD I GO OUT THERE EVERY NIGHT AND STEAL THE SHOW. So uh, in the kayfabe world of WWE, do you get paid based on “how good” your matches are? In theory, a good match is one that goes back and forth and lasts a while and doesn’t have a super obvious conclusion. Is your goal at work seriously to let the other guy almost beat you for the entire match so it’ll be “good?” How does that make sense? The point should be “I’m great at wrestling, and even when I don’t win, people still can see that I’m the best wrestler.” Or something. Not the “I have the best matches a lot!” That’s an extremely Davey Richards thing of you to say. DO NOT BE DAVEY RICHARDS.
Worst: LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT
Michael Cole screaming LOOK OUT LOOK OUTTT to end the show was the phoniest thing ever, make even worse by the fact that everybody involved in the fight was in the ring, and he was like 20 feet away behind a table looking at a monitor. It wasn’t like Roman Reigns was powerbombing somebody onto his lap. I know he’s got to sell the “anything can happen, whoaaa” vibe, but come on, some pretty normal stuff was happening.
Anyway, the entire final segment was just this:
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Hopefully Sheamus can get revenge on Dolph for pushing Dolph off that ladder.
Damien Sandow needs to name his next move “Micheal Cole Is A Douche” in Latin, just so it has to be explained every week.
Rhodes. Where we’re going, we will need Rhodes.
Whole Lotta Denim
Rhodes Scholar would only be “The Pink & The Stink” if their record was 2-1
No one would see it because it’s old, but to add to the haiku recaps we did earlier:
F**k you, Miz, f**k you.
F**k you, Miz, f**k you. F**k you.
No really, f**k you.
Ryback is like Beetlejuice except you have to say his name three thousand times
They should’ve played a Tony Schiavone Nitro signoff.
NO STOP. BRING OUT HANDSOME MEN TO PRAISE VICKIE NOT HORRIBLE MEAN GRANDPAS TO TEAR HER DOWN.
Alica Foxx is on her way to her part time job as a ride attendant in Tomorrowland, apparently.
And finally, a different open letter to The Miz (because it is great, and I didn’t see it until I’d written mine) from CM Funk
Dear The Miz,
I really wanted your whole good guy thing to be fun and cool. But I already, 2 weeks later, have to completely take it back.
Cody and Damien are best friends. Cody grows a mustache and you make a gay joke. Damien responds in a socially acceptable way more or less, and you just talk over him in the most sophomoric way possible.
I’m glad Cody is trouncing you verbally. I hope someone trounces you later. Perhaps the hair of Damien Sandow’s beard didn’t rub off on Cody Rhodes when you allege they were kissing. Perhaps when The Rock attacked you at Survivor Series last year, his homophobia rubbed off on you. Could have been Cena too, I don’t know. Right now Cena is too busy being condescending to women, but that doesn’t mean you should be picking up his slack.
Also, preemptive “f**k you” to anyone who thinks I’m taking things too seriously. I’m tired of nonsense like this, especially from people I want to like or have liked in the past.
Also, hey, some people have penises and also like the color pink. Get the f**k over it, every good guy wrestler. I mean, except for John Cena when it’s in the name of cancer in conjunction with a awful charity for jerks.
-a queer wrestling fan.
Bonus: To End The Column On A Happier Note