Worst: Objective – Perform The Attitude Adjustment To The Big Show
Two things:
1. The (third) main event was fine and all, but reeked of that WWE video game storyline thing where you have to perform a certain task to trigger a cut scene. Cena wrestled the entire match with PERFORM THE ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT TO THE BIG SHOW in the top right corner of his screen, and when he pulled it off, the game cut to both men lying in the ring unable to move and OH NO HERE’S THE SHIELD! AND NOW HERE’S TEAM HELL NO! HERE’S SHEAMUS, BUT HE CAN’T PUNCH THE GUY HE’S DOWN HERE TO PUNCH, SO UH, HE’S PUNCHING ZIGGLER! And so on. I kinda just wanted to hit X and move on to the next match.
2. Dolph Ziggler should be careful about his “stealing the show every night!” talking point. It’s the only one he makes. Cole’s like “hey, why don’t you win important matches” and Lawler’s like “hey, why didn’t you cash in the Money In The Bank briefcase when Big Show had been hit 30+ times with a chair,” and Ziggler’s response is I’M GOOD I GO OUT THERE EVERY NIGHT AND STEAL THE SHOW. So uh, in the kayfabe world of WWE, do you get paid based on “how good” your matches are? In theory, a good match is one that goes back and forth and lasts a while and doesn’t have a super obvious conclusion. Is your goal at work seriously to let the other guy almost beat you for the entire match so it’ll be “good?” How does that make sense? The point should be “I’m great at wrestling, and even when I don’t win, people still can see that I’m the best wrestler.” Or something. Not the “I have the best matches a lot!” That’s an extremely Davey Richards thing of you to say. DO NOT BE DAVEY RICHARDS.
Worst: LOOK OUT, LOOK OUT
Michael Cole screaming LOOK OUT LOOK OUTTT to end the show was the phoniest thing ever, make even worse by the fact that everybody involved in the fight was in the ring, and he was like 20 feet away behind a table looking at a monitor. It wasn’t like Roman Reigns was powerbombing somebody onto his lap. I know he’s got to sell the “anything can happen, whoaaa” vibe, but come on, some pretty normal stuff was happening.
Anyway, the entire final segment was just this:
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
KingTommenBaratheon
Hopefully Sheamus can get revenge on Dolph for pushing Dolph off that ladder.
MDVEGA
Damien Sandow needs to name his next move “Micheal Cole Is A Douche” in Latin, just so it has to be explained every week.
Jo3yHuds
Rhodes. Where we’re going, we will need Rhodes.
Whole Lotta Denim
Rhodes Scholar would only be “The Pink & The Stink” if their record was 2-1
shabbydude
No one would see it because it’s old, but to add to the haiku recaps we did earlier:
F**k you, Miz, f**k you.
F**k you, Miz, f**k you. F**k you.
No really, f**k you.
GenuineFiber
Ryback is like Beetlejuice except you have to say his name three thousand times
85
They should’ve played a Tony Schiavone Nitro signoff.
papermint
NO STOP. BRING OUT HANDSOME MEN TO PRAISE VICKIE NOT HORRIBLE MEAN GRANDPAS TO TEAR HER DOWN.
BookSavvy
Alica Foxx is on her way to her part time job as a ride attendant in Tomorrowland, apparently.
And finally, a different open letter to The Miz (because it is great, and I didn’t see it until I’d written mine) from CM Funk
Dear The Miz,
I really wanted your whole good guy thing to be fun and cool. But I already, 2 weeks later, have to completely take it back.
Cody and Damien are best friends. Cody grows a mustache and you make a gay joke. Damien responds in a socially acceptable way more or less, and you just talk over him in the most sophomoric way possible.
I’m glad Cody is trouncing you verbally. I hope someone trounces you later. Perhaps the hair of Damien Sandow’s beard didn’t rub off on Cody Rhodes when you allege they were kissing. Perhaps when The Rock attacked you at Survivor Series last year, his homophobia rubbed off on you. Could have been Cena too, I don’t know. Right now Cena is too busy being condescending to women, but that doesn’t mean you should be picking up his slack.
Also, preemptive “f**k you” to anyone who thinks I’m taking things too seriously. I’m tired of nonsense like this, especially from people I want to like or have liked in the past.
Also, hey, some people have penises and also like the color pink. Get the f**k over it, every good guy wrestler. I mean, except for John Cena when it’s in the name of cancer in conjunction with a awful charity for jerks.
Love,
-a queer wrestling fan.
Bonus: To End The Column On A Happier Note
Via @RocketN9:
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/kevin-jonas-wwe-raw-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Sad-Blackhawks-Fans-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/bateman-gif-180x180.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wrestling-glamour-shots-31-180x180.png)
The thing I like happened! Party time! Thanks for these Brandon, you’re good at writering.
Thanks, I’m guessering
Hoping Cena didn’t hold his shirt in front of AJ just to shield her from Gabriel’s “finishing move”.
Multiple great letters to The Miz this week!
I would mail it to him if I could.
Not sure if this will work, but this was the closest I could get:
Superstar Name
C/O WWE
1241 East Main Street
Stamford, CT 06902
thanks!
It’s not like that would go straight to him. Hit him up on Twitter.
I am the conductor of the Eve Torres Train. Welcome aboard, Brandon.
choo chooooo
Topic for next week’s Eve is awesome discussion: What does she need to change first to save WWE women’s wrestling: Her theme song or her wardrobe?
GREAT! Looking forward to it!
…Aang and Mark Brandanowicz?
For fuck’s sake, Brandon.
For. Fuck’s. Sake.
If you mention MegaMan X and Justified next week, we’ve got problems, yo.
/Great letter to Miz, btw.
I can make a contextual Avatar joke about almost any wrestling situation, seriously. It’s a disease.
Thank you once again for another great Best and Worst.
Glad to be of service.
I’ll never understand why the WWE can’t have a major face like Sheamus or Cena lose cleanly once in a while on Raw or Smackdown. I’m not even saying it has to happen often, like once a month at most. It at least gives off the feeling that something CAN happen or that those guys maybe made a miscalculation during the match.
Oh, and Cesaro should challenge Kofi to a champion vs. champion match, win, and become the US Continental Champion.
Remember on Smackdown a few months ago when Orton tapped out clean to the cross armbreaker? That was genuinely one of the most surprising thing I’ve seen in wwe this year.
I cheered as all get out when Orton tapped. It made their later match at HIAC more exciting since a locked Cross Armbreaker would seem like a sure loss for Orton rather than just an excuse for him to make pain faces for 10 seconds. I wish ADR (and other heels) got more out of their submissions like that night (against guys who matter).
Daniel Bryan loses cleanly all the time….
Chilly, he said MAJOR face…
/hiding from Brandon
Yeah, Orton tapping is just another sign that WWE really only plans on using him to wrestle top tier guys, but pushing him isn’t really on their agenda.
And Chilly, jmendozaedd is correct in that I meant only Cena and Sheamus appear to get this treatment. Any other face can and will lose cleanly. See: Kofi vs. Cesaro. The last time I can remember Cena losing cleanly one-on-one without any type of outside shenanigans was when he lost to the Rock at Wrestlemania, but Rock isn’t a heel (technically).
Well Orton keeps failing the Wellness test. He leaves them no option but to elevate other guys.
I don’t get why they don’t have these guys lose from time to time.If you call yourself “Sports Entertainment” then act like sports. The New England Patriots destroyed an 11-1 Houston Texans team on the same field that they lost to the Arizona Cardinals. The same Cardinals team that lost 58-0 Sunday,
I think WWE brass really believes their fans can’t put wins/losses in context. Doesn’t have to happen all the time, but a competitive bout wouldn’t hurt.
that is the greatest title for B/W ever. kudos sir, you are both a gentleman and a scholar.
*Rhodes Scholar.
You were right about Backstage fallout Brandon, it’s great. Why is it hosted by Zordon though?
That would be amazing.
“ALPHA, GET ME FIVE WRESTLERS WITH ATTITUDE.”
“But they ALL have attitude! Ay yi yi!”
Before I read this, I want to nominate Rhodes Scholars in a Crosby/Hope “Road to”-esque adventure series for your next WL fanfiction. Thank you and good day.
I think Beth Phoenix Of The Jungle is the next pulp story I have to write, but I don’t know how many jokes I can make about “you can’t really wrestle as well as people think/you’re swinging on vines.”
I pictured Beth Phoenix of the Jungle standing triumphantly on top of a log, but she slips and ends up getting rolled up by said log for the pin.
So the reason we haven’t seen Ezekial Jackson in a while is because he’s been busy shaving his nuts?
Fantastic as usual, Brandon. It’s extremely hard to disagree with your opinions when they’re so damn watertight. Even though I’m watching raw less and less these days, partly due to wwe Apple Pipining all the ways to see it online, but I don’t see myself ever not reading this column.
Also, I’m seeing how many times I can watch Man Getting Hit By Ring Announcer and not laugh. I’ll be a while.
If you’re Big Zeke, I’m not even sure why you’d bother with that at this point.
Any wrestling bros in the Tampa Bay area? Just got an internship with the Rays starting early next month, thinking I may try and hit up an NXT show or something if I get a free day or two.
CONGRATS MY FRIEND!
Thanks buddy!
Fun! I live in Miami but I may go to Tampa next year for CHIKARA.
AH just checked the Chikara schedule against the Spring Training sched, Rays play the Phillies at 1 that day. Doing in everything in my power to me at that Chikara show now.
I’m going to do everything in my power to ALSO do that.
My parents live in Melbourne, which is about an hour from where they tape NXT. I was gonna go to the last show, but everyone who was supposed to go with me backed out at the last second. I COULD’VE SEEN KEVIN NASH MAEK POOPIES!
Yay wrestling bros! And I’m only going to be like 90 minutes from Full Sail in Tampa, so I’m hoping NXT trips happen a couple times for me, since THAT’S GOOD WRASSLIN. Plus, I need to see Bray Wyatt in person and then buy all of his merch.
I can’t tell you how mad I am that I no longer live in Orlando. I legit lived 20 minutes away from Full Sail. I used to pass by there all the time to go to A Comic Shop. :(
I live in Gainesville
LETS DO A TAMPA MEET UP YOU GUYS
Another great report, Brandon.
The really weird part about Miz throwing shade on Sandow for wearing pink is that, as a fashion forward dude, Miz probably wears more pink than anyone. In fact, during the MizTV lie detector segment, the inside of his jacket is CLEARLY pink.
The disposable paper suits he wore when Alex Riley was beating him up every week were pink, if I recall.
You’re right that Zigs is basically breaking Kayfabe but it goes to your Go To See Wrestlers Rather Than Wrestling point–I guess people go to see Cena but then one ass roll later they are mesmerized by Zigs.
I think I understand where you’re coming from, but can you explain why exactly a promo that seems “e-fed-like” is a bad thing? Or are you just saying it sounds scripted and forced?
Sort of. Scripted and forced, filmed in a ridiculous location with no explanation or reason, guys always introducing themselves, crummy punchlines like “welcome to the shield of justice.” Just really amateur, and seemingly written on the fly without the improv magic that comes from actually DOING them on the fly
I’m pretty sure when I did the e-fed thing in middle school I wrote a promo where someone was sitting on top of a ladder, because, ladders.
Also, anything that reminds you of Raven.
85 is exactly right.
When did people turn on Raven? I thought Raven was awesome. …Well, ECW Raven. I don’t count WCW or WWE Raven, because he didn’t really do anything. Did he get really bad wherever he went after WWE?
The reason I ask is cause I’ve read plenty of E-Fed stuff that is actually fun to read and tells a good story/builds a good character. There’s plenty of E-Fed stuff that’s certifiable dogshit, but I think you’d be getting to the point a little better by just saying “This Sucks.”
@85 or Davey Richards.
@Pencil-Necked Geek – It’s nothing against Raven I guess, it’s just that every e-fed/backyard shit ever had the guy sitting behind the furnace in the dark doing ECW Raven promos. Sincerest, most tired form of flattery.
Oh, yeah. OK, that reference makes sense now.
Reminded me of this:
[www.youtube.com]
What about me? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN? What about me…
@Gregory: Yeah, me too. I assumed that would be one of the things Brandon wouldn’t like about it.
I think is also has a lot to do with the inability to build appropriate “atmosphere” with text, so one tires to give chills with just words and efed promos are always disjointed from everything else. It’s why the mood of RAW last week worked, because there is a whole range of stimuli available that words in a vacuum can’t hope to match.
The Uso paragraph just made me laugh out loud in the train station and now everyone must think that I’m the psycho they’re riding with today.
Hint: They’re all right
This is always great, but this week’s was especially great. I thought you were going to (and would have understood if you did) use the “monkey pissing in its mouth” clip instead of writing about Miz, but I’m glad you did this instead. Well said on Dolph too, although in his defense there’s only so much you can say about how great you are when you’re never allowed to win. Flair ’84 would have sounded different if he had the Mulkeys’ W-L record.
John Cena boner police.
The reason for Cena holding up his shirt in front of AJ, I figured, was because Justin Gabriel was all like “Hey look I’m doing the 450 Spalsh!” was just just swinging his dick in a circle.
Maybe John Cena actually ran in on AJ and Dolph a few weeks ago because he was worried she’d see 3MB “tuning their guitars”.
I couldn’t make it past the first hour last night, once I saw Vince my interest completely death farted. Glad the video of MizTV was included here, heard it was a car wreck and had to see it.
“You’re uncool like the rest of us, which is why you wore suits for two years without tailoring them. You didn’t even think to. You are you.”
That’s hilarious and made me legit lol. I’m glad I can still enjoy these columns even when I can’t bear to watch the best 3 hour infomercial on television.
Another thing that kind of bothered me about the AJ in the men’s locker room thing: It’s not a real reaction. Do we really think a professional wrestler, who goes out there in a speedo to wrestle, is going to get all uppity if some hot chick sees him in a really long towel? Probably not. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’d say a ton of dirty stuff to said female.
Well and my thing is if Cena’s covering her so the other dudes don’t see her is it seriously because he thinks they’re more likely to get boners because its the locker room? SHE WAS IN HER RING GEAR THAT SHE LATER WORE ON A NATIONALLY TELEVISED SHOW. It’s not like she was parading around in a g-string and pasties covered in lube and preparing to get into her absurd “work clothes,” she was already as decent as she was gonna get in public for those three hours.
New possible theories:
1) John Cena has never watched women wrestle and thinks they wrestle in Burqa’s. Thus, when he saw AJ, he thought she wasn’t ‘decent.’ This also is based on the fact he has hit his head so many times, he thinks he’s living in Saudi Arabia.
2) John Cena is really 6 years old.
I think theory one is really plausible.
Theory two is just as possible if you remember the “Sheamus is a Bigged-5-year-old” theory and that he and Cena are locker room buddies.
@Johnny: That could make sense, as perhaps WWE films is just setting us up for their version of Step-Brothers. Perhaps it’ll be called Rommies or something stupid like that.
Great column and I loved the letter to the Miz. The whole “You’re gay because you wear pink” thing drives me up a wall. Mostly because I take it in a weirdly personal way because I think Jimmy Jacobs is flaming sex on a plate and he’s at times way more girlier than I am.
Brandon continuing to use the Miz = Howard the Duck comparison makes me happier than any appearance in the top 10 comments section, but makes me sad at the thought of the principal from Ferris Bueller being in the movie :-(
When Miz made his comments, it was like diving headfirst into a wall. I was on such a high with Rhodes Scholars (they’re best friends! they’re rising above childish insults! omg!), and then he had to go and fuck it up. I’ve honestly tried not to think about it because I have too many feels. Brandon and CM Funk’s letters are much appreciated.
thank you!
Damien Sandow’s outrage face when Miz busted out the gay jokes was fucking glorious. So much so, I just created my uproxx account in order to tell you, then used a new piece of software on my computer to capture it off of a youtube clip and upload it as my avatar. Also, a couple of other things:
1. Rhodestache
2. Can they please stop saying TEAM Rhodes Scholars, and just call the THE Rhodes Scholars. It’s infuriating.
3. THE Rhodes Scholars are already my favorite tag team since Edge and Christian. If all is right with the world they will be defending their tag titles in a blow-off match against Hell No (not TEAM Hell No) at Wrestlemania. Please HHH, keep this tag division renaissance going.
Great column as always, Brandon. But I was surprised you didn’t write anything about Punk’s promo with Heyman, even though nothing much happened…
I had absolutely nothing to say about it, and somebody in the comments last night said he had Stridex pads on his knee, and that was my only joke.
Is it just me, or is the ‘F’ word the new ‘N’ word of the 21st Century?
This column made me chuckle as usual, but was also filled with the social awareness that Brandon is a master of weaving into his column that makes me look inward at my self and my social upbringing to help me grow as a human being.
Was that too deep?
A lot of people like to say that gay is the new black, but really it’s not at all the same thing. Also, intersectionality.
I think it’s always problematic to use the “new/old” thing in these situations. I hear people say a lot that “x is the new civil rights movement” even when the current civil rights movement isn’t over. Intersections exist, but oppression are only equal in their validity.
I’m glad people can see wrestling as a vehicle for growth.
Great Job as usual, Brandon! I one handedly applaud you.
Also, with the Slammy Awards coming up, will you, (and the With Leather Celebrity Panel!), be doing your own version of the Slammys? Because YOU KNOW the actual Slammy Awards will go out to the wrong people.
Would they be called the “With Leatherys”?
Fantastic idea.
I nominate AJ Lee for the “Muhammad Hassan With Leathery” for Best Original Gimmick with Great Potential that Got Epically Derailed and Crashed into the Train Station Killing Hundreds and Releasing a Toxic Chemical into the Air that Threatens the Lives of Everyone within a Ten Mile Radius.
hornswaggle as the mystery GM as the worst retcon.
I think we should have our own awards that we vote on, called the “Daddies”. I’m just saying.
In honor of the column’s greatest contribution to Raw, what about The Rhodies? The Schollies?
Since we’re bringing attention to moments that are both good and bad, I propose that the awards are called +1 and -1.
THE +1 AWARDS
Who will take home the Plussies? :)
Alex, you beautiful, brilliant so-and-so! Great idea.
Gee thanks! I guess I am those things aren’t I?
I take it back. Cats on Treadmills isn’t why we’re friends, it’s that letter to the Miz.
(Also your arguments about cell signal strength on Mars)
(I will also accept more Cats on Treadmills should the Miz continue in this direction)
Just by chance happened to hover over the banner pic for this installment. I absolutely LOVE the hovertag.
It’s funny cuz it’s true!
If ever there was a time for Don Frye to resurface, it is now. He could be Rhodes Scholars’ kayfabe life coach.
YES TIMES A JILLION
Ahem. THE STARS AT NIGHT ARE BIG AND BRIGHT….
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!! DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAAS!
your take on the Miz is exactly why I keep coming back here to read this column every week. You are one of the good ones sir, thanks for saying what needs to be said.
I’m still saddened that Eve isn’t finishing her opponents off with a sick submission. But it’s pretty sweet to see her post match taunts.
Backstage fallout is incredible. I know Titus O’Neil can’t wrestle for shit (but neither can Ryback), but that dude needs to be pushed to the moon. He’s hilarious.
Also, I’m totally cool with every match having a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker thrown in. It just looks so deadly.
The taunt doesn’t make as much sense with a submission. The whole idea is that you tap out before you get hurt, so why would you lay there and let her pose on top of you? she sort of has to “knock her opponent out” for it to make any sense.
Not that I think anyone in the WWE has put that much thought into it.
Hmm, you have a point. Although, if it’s a leg submission, the opponent would be holding their knee/leg in pain, which would give Eve the time to pose over the carcass. It’s all how the opponent sells her injury.
true dat…
Just do the Nate Diaz “pose whilst performing submission” like he did against Kurt Pellegrino!
I hope Hope HOPE that we get a post match pic of “Super Happy Smiley” Eve Torres posing over Zack Ryder’s lifeless body ◉‿◉
My wife thinks Cena was actually trying to hid AJ from the other guys in the locker room. Based on the way he kisses she’s pretty sure he’s never seen a girl in her “underwear” before and was confused.
I hope we don’t get the Jersey Girl scene where John shows her his so she’ll show him hers.
For now on there has to be an Avatar joke in this column. Fuckin love that show
#WWEKiss #AJAll
Everytime I start to watch Raw, I get about 45 minutes and say, “screw it, Imma play WWE ’13 and just read B/W tomorrow”
What are your thought on WWE 13?I have yet to play it, mainly because it looks exactly like ’12, but with Attitude Era storylines.
I decided to name it as a Christmas gift, so I haven’t played it yet; but one thing I’m most looking forward to is downloading Antonio Cesaro and destroying everyone. ESPECIALLY all the Attitude Era stars. Eff ‘em.
I refuse to acknowledge The Usos as a legitimate contender for anything until SOMEONE removes the GAWDDAMN APOSTROPHE from their GAWDDAMN logo/title card/Titantron thingy.
“English (backstage/creative) MF’ers! Do you speak it?!?!”
It is really depressing that Backstage Fallout has more plot advancement than Raw and Smackdown combined.
You are amazing, Brandon. Your recaps are therapeutic. If your not on the WWE payroll, you should be.
Great column, loving reading it
Seriously Cessaro is the bees knees
And isn’t it weird that it’s hardly been a month since ‘all our big stars have to wear pink because CANCER’, and now we’re back to ‘you wear pink so your a gay’
Who’s writing this wwe shit
Finally finished reading the column after falling asleep at your mention of Mark Brendanawicz. God, was he ever boring!
Michael Cole’s “Look out, LOOK OUUUT!” needs to be downloadable content for commentary on WWE ’13. And I can choose when he says it, which would be every time something boring is happening.
That proud moment where someone makes the top ten because of a trend you started. I love the writeups on shows i’ve missed. Makes catching up that much more fun.
I wasn’t focusing on Raw (or the live discussion, sorry gang) much last night, since I had to read and recap dumb Tank Abbott. I think I made a wise decision, because B/W is always great.
And let’s all beat Miz with pipes!
“u use pipes ur gay lol!” What Miz would consider a witty retort.
If Cody Rhodes could grow a curly mustache to go along with Sandow wrestling would be in a new boom period.
Holy shit, I don’t know why that picture of Swagger is so funny but laughed for like five minutes.
This is why Tuesdays are made.
When kane ryback and daniel bryan team up at TLC will they be Team RyNo and if so would they also make it Team Hell Ryno…..a shield is not as cool as a hell rhino
Perhaps add Mark Henry to Team Hell Ryno to callback Mark Henry as Rambi from one of last year’s B&W.
…alternatively…
Have Zack Ryder strap a shelled Santino to his back and wield a T-shirt gun filled with prepped cobra socks called the RYNO IT.
““Halt!” announced the leader of the group.
“Ahm not MOVin’…” responded Jack, removing his phone’s earbuds.
“Yes, well …” the Martian soldier replied.”
What’s amazing about JACK SWAGGER OF MARS is that it’s simultaneously a really funny parody of sci-fi storytelling while also being totally readable in a genuine way, peppered liberally with both really amusing wrestling trope-busting as well as just subtly amusing generally, re: the quote I just ctrl-P’d
The rest of the Raw report is the reason I come here but it’s an achievement in itself how much better these “Jack Swagger of Mars” pieces are than they at all have to be.
Sorry, B, but Taylor Swift’s new song is “Brandon, the Chickbusters Are Never Getting Back Together”
Never! AJ-Kaitlyn-OTP!
>=(
Also, the screen grab on the YouTube video there on Ambrose looks like he’s giving Blue Steel SO HARD
hence the Zoolander reference in the paragraph above it
I think it could qualify for Magnum, but I’ll reserve that just in case there’s a more intense look to be revealed later…
Hi, it’s CM Funk. I changed my name because reasons.
I want to thank you Brandon for being a real ally. You affirm, a lot of people just tolerate. So thank you. I thought your open letter was pretty awesome too.
I also appreciate finding a wrestling community that also cares about this shit too. I’m too used to Tumblr picking and choosing their social justice stuff.
Thank you right back.
Wasn’t Lawler going on about how Rosa was ugly just last week? God I hate him.
Great review and thank you for writing about stuff like Miz. We can say that “It’s only wrestling or it’s only entertainment,” but that ignores the impact society has on our entertainment and vice-versa. You are the voice of progressive wrestling fans. Thank you.
I also would have accepted, “Dear Miz, you are being an asshole. Please stop being an asshole.”
The only problem with that is that the Miz is a face. And every WWE face is an asshole. Except Daniel Bryan. He’s a magnificent asshole.
You are not wrong about that being a problem, although I think WWE’s problem with basic storytelling is greater than the problem with the consensus’ collective logic.
Are there any decent human being faces? I came up with the Usos pretty quickly, then lots of ???????s.
@rites: Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd are both decent faces, as far as I know. Of course, they never talk or get used on TV. So that doesn’t really count.
Great write up for Raw.
Bonus Hidden Objective: Put Big Show through table.
I love that he just sat on it and it snapped in half. Next table match he’s in the table should just break when his pyro goes off.
He looked like he was enjoying a good nap sitting there.
Point 1. I love the nod to continuity in the way Maddox cost AJ her match, after she dressed him down vervbally in front of the cameras when he messed up his first televised main event-match. (Foot-on-the-rope incident wth Punk.)
Point 2. Eve is a great diva champ, Alicia Fox is ok in the ring when she gets a chance to show it.
Point 3. I’m pretty sure the Usos shout “U” (not “O”) to have the crow respond “SO”.
Point 4. With both Cesaro and Truth winning their matches (and Kofi and Barrett losing) WWE has thrown a curve ball to all “lose last match on TV, win on PPV” believers.
Point 5. Cena is obviously coming to the conclussion that AJ is not a smart move in the long run, and he tries to distance himself, without upsetting her. My guess, she costs him the match vs. Ziggler on TLC in some way…
“U” is pronounced “OOOOH”
Brandon’s column had heart, but “Announcer in the Groin” had an announcer In the groin.
Did Michael Cole specify that it was “Elbow of distain, with a T” this week or was it something I just imagined?? Somebody backstage has finally proofread the Latin?
he did, I thought it was weird considering we were discussing it here before the show
I was the one who posted the translation before the show and, yeah he did I felt like he was saying it right to me. But, he can say it’s “distain with a t” all he wants. Aequet still doesn’t mean that and cubito is still the wrong case.
So I left the TV room after Rhodes Scholar defended and wandered back in just in time to see the Miz insult the odor of Cody’s moustache (how would you know, Miz?) and call them “the pink and the stink,” emit a series of moans and cusses, and leave the room again. Great job WWE.
“Ugh, fart-butts, guuuuh, hell-damn, blugh, crap-ass-hell-damn”
I should say this far more often, but awesome recap as always. I look forward to this column more than anything else on the Internet.
The letter to Miz was just so damn on point, couldn’t agree more. Thanks Brandon.
If Jack Swagger of Marth doesn’t end with Cody “Howard Hughes” Rhodes building a wooden spaceship to travel to Mars and bring Jack home, I will be very disappointed.
Also, if it’s possible to work in a “Run Home, Jack” reference, I would be very happy.
I don’t see understand all the hate for Miz suits by the way. Moods of Norway is much cooler than Boss, Armani, Diesel or whatnot by default.(And hilariously expensive even here in Norway, unfortunately.)
Why did they let Eve steal Britani Knight’s wave when Paige is RIGHT THERE?
Also, I think Cody was specifically going for a Freddie Mercury look. After they win the match, he even sneaks out the fist in the air pose, and it’s great.
Greene knows EVERYthing about England!!
Just want to say I love the column, man. As a college student who plays rugby and has to work I have no time to watch wrestling much these days, but I look forward to this every week to keep me updated and also provide quite a few laughs. You have talent, man, keep up the good work!
[www.watchmencomicmovie.com]
:D
So they say “The Sword and the Shield.”
That’s definitely Lesnar and that big sword tattoo on his chest.
I wouldn’t mind that at all. …Of course, I find myself less excited about Lesnar returning since the common assumption is that Triple H has to get his win back from him at Wrestlemania.
Another great column. Thanks, Brandon.
Hooray, my first top ten!
Thanks for another awesome column, Brandon. +1 for e-fed references. Ah memories.
MAAARRRK
BRENNNDANAWICCCCCZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!
1st of all, great column as always. 2nd, Some sort of fanfiction about Mr. Excitement’s retirement to the farm to play with the other future endeavored would be good reading.
BTW – If anyone wants a special holiday card from ME sent to their email, click on the THIS BUSINESS CAT picture to your left, click the SEND MESSAGE button and send me your email address.
I’m still working on it, but once it’s ready I will start sending it out, I hope you enjoy it and are filled with warm feels when you receive it.
I still maintain that Cody Rhodes looks like the creepy art teacher who hits on students.
@muppetsstudios The audience is half asleep, and Randy Orton hears voices…
Cesaro is a beast. Give him a match a week and it will be great.
Finally able to catch-up on this weeks B&WoR. I copied “John Cena Boner Police” and accidentally pasted it into an Excel document. That could have been an interesting exchange. But once again, great write-up. Your letter to Miz is spot on and I couldn’t agree more. WWE needs to come to terms with the fact that some of their 20% hardcore fans are gay, women or even ::gasp!:: both. Let’s hope they think of all of us in the future. I won’t hold my breath…
Statistic from [twitter.com]
I actually didn’t finish Raw for the first time in forever. I was watching it and reading the B&W at the same time, got to the Miz being a homophobic asshole (which I had just sat through watching Smackdown) and said, nope. Not doing it. Brandon, thank you so much for that letter. And if Rhodes Scholars and Michael Cole making sure to say it’s “distain with a t” (still wrong by the way) are any indications, I’d say it’s a good bet Miz saw it too. Let’s hope it makes a difference.
Due to a series of poorly planned decisions, I only finshed watching RAW today. Therefore, I only just finished the article. Entertaining and educational as always Brandon. Thanks for this.
I just realized why I don’t like Cena so much. WWE is pushing him as Superman AND Everyman.
Looks like things are about to go from Brad to worse for AJ.
Brill.