Best: Hulk Hogan may ruin Impact, but he just made that person’s life
I’ve seen firsthand how the smarkiest, coolest wrestling fans can turn into giddy fanboys around Hulk Hogan. He may not know how to involve himself effectively in a television broadcast anymore, but the fact remains that he was the face of not one but two companies for a very long time, and always a perennial fan favourite. I may not agree with his role on Impact pretty much ever, but this is a man who genuinely knows how to treat fans, and the fact that he is still so well loved remains a testament to how legends to a little kid get to stay legends when those kids grow up.
Worst: Hogan has been around forever, might be suffering from dementia
Hogan claims that he’s been around to see the company grow from teeny tiny to FULL FLEDGED MONSTER, BROTHER.
2012 gave us Aces & Eights, forgotten storylines, terrible ratings and buy-rates, and Brooke Hogan. Not everything that happened this year was bad, but Hogan is delusional if he thinks the company is in some kind of golden age that tops everything else it’s ever done. It’s lost some of its best wrestlers, replaced them with people who probably shouldn’t be wrestling in the worst indie company you can think of, and regressed to glorifying the most socially unacceptable of opinions. I’m sorry, brother, but no. Just…no.
Worst: Six hulking dudes are chased off by one angry dude
So you’re telling me that big bad Aces & Eights, guys fueled by anger, an unshakeable gang mentality, and the cast-off wardrobe of Sons of Anarchy seasons 1 through 4 are afraid of a guy who runs like John Cena with a boner? Bully Ray is arguably in the best shape of his life, and I wouldn’t want to tussle with him, but you are six guys with a bat, a hammer, and a combined wrestling experience of at least 30+ years who have a deal saying Impact security can’t interfere with you being there. I’m gonna pull my best Howard the Duck face and say really? Really? There’s no way you can overpower Bully Ray and a man pushing 60 who can barely drag himself into the ring? Reallllly?
Worst: Hey Bully, maybe you should reconsider those blade jobs
Just because Ric Flair is gone and you’re about 75 pints of blood short of your Blood on TV quotient doesn’t mean Bully should keep blading himself. I’m personally not a fan of blading in the first place, but jeez. Is there anyone who thinks this looks okay?
Worst: Who ya talkin’ to, Jeff?
I hope Jeff Hardy pins up glamour shots of his opponents, talks to them to get himself ready for his matches, then takes them home to put into a Martha Stewart-inspired scrapbook he keeps in his hope chest, alongside a memory quilt Terri Runnels made from her old tube tops, and empty manic panic containers from 2001.
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For Page Three.
It shouldn’t have to have been said, but it was said wonderfully, Danielle.
Agreed!
I’m with the bear and the lobster
A lobster, a bear, and a dinosaur. I’m a lucky gal!
Bear, Lobster and Dinosaur have my vote next King of Trios champs.
A MILLION TIMES YES.
I appreciate the sentiment, but we would get MOIDERED by either Ants, or the Envoy, or JOSHIS OF TERROR AND DOOM. At least I would.
Lobster, go for the knees and use your pincers. In Chikara those badboys are legal. Maybe Devil Dinosaur can be Dragon Dragons cousin or something.
I can’t even get anyone in a headlock with these tiny arms
On “TOE TO JOE, AMIRITE?”, I went from quiet laughing to loud laughing to kicking over chair laughing.
A well placed pun followed by an AMIRITE will never not be the funniest joke in the world.
This makes me want to watch impact or at least gives me a reason to smile when I do.
you had me at “tanning mom costume”
and then you had to bring in pantone numbers…
What can I say? I am my father’s daughter, and my father is a graphic artist.
PMS #’s dominated my nightmares when I was a screenprinter. Thanks for bringing it all back right before Christmas.
#Gremlins
It’s the least I can do!
I don’t think Samoa Joe is always phoning it in, because he’s the only guy on the roster who can get a good match out of Rob van Dam, and RVD suuuuuuuuuuuucks.
Sigh, RVD. There’s a reason I talked about everyone in that tag match except for him.
Slow clap-clap-clapclapclap to you for Page 3.
Who in particular should I be telegraphing over at UPROXX, Ben Uproxx?
I only know them as Bosses of Brandon.
Also…
El Gigante – all limbs and no skill.
THANK YOU for describing Matt Morgan in a way that I totally feel about him in words better than I could use!
I hate Taz so much. I’m glad i’m not the only one
“…it is almost 20 goddamn 13. If we can speak out about racism, sexism, and anti-LGBTQ sentiments in anything else in life, why do we have to give wrestling a pass because some guys just want to see boobs, and Taz thinks boys who like boys are gross, and that’s the way it’s always been?”
This, this, a MILLION times this!! Please keep saying this as frequently as possible (you too, Brandon). If “Creative” occasionally trolls WL for creative tag-team names, there’s always the tiniest possibility that somebody will finally figure out that the entire wrestling audience is not made up of the lowest common denominator.
Did I skim past a reference in the page 3 rant that explains the “STING HAS 5 HOUR ENERGY FLAVORED LADYPARTS” headline on the last page?
Check out last week’s B&W of Impact.
It’s a Lana Del Ray reference. She claims that her (lady parts) taste like Pepsi cola.
Thanks for cluing me in Danielle. Just seemed like odd to me that you’d turn into a WWE face so soon after talking about that very same theme in wrasslin’.
I made a joke in the Raw open thread about CM Punk being really into Lana Del Rey all of a sudden when that song came out but no one got it :(
“This kid is infectious, and not in the way you’d suspect from someone on the Impact roster.”
I LOL’d heartily. And then a lil further down page three GOT REAL. Serious Crowning Moment of Awesome stuff right there.
TNA being into the butt stuff doesn’t surprise me though. They’ve always had their kinks and fetishes. Back in my recapping days people were always getting handcuffed to the ring ropes and beaten on. Like it was a bizarrely frequent occurrence for awhile.
Also, I’ve never had a problem with Matt Morgan’s wrestling. Unless he’s degraded terribly since episode 12 of Ring Ka King, it’s not that he’s bad, he just doesn’t wrestle like a typical giant.
Last thing, I always used to prefer the harder edge to the violence TNA offers back when I recapped & for the short time after when I still cared enough watch it. I dunno if this still holds true though. It’s been a long time since I tuned in, and right now doesn’t sound like an inviting time to start back up.
Thanks!
If anything, just watch the Kazarian/Daniels segment. Even when James Storm is trying to destroy Christmas, they’ve still got enough witty comments to get you through. Even Santa gets some good quips in there.
I’ve seen Brandn rant about it, and you took it to the next level, Danielle. Both of you nailed it. For me, the conveyance of ‘it shouldn’t have to be said, but…’ really is the icing on the cake. Maybe I’ve become immune to rolling my eyes so often when watching wrasslin’, but in my opinion, it’s just weak. It’s a cheap way out, and stale to boot.I get that they’re trying to put over their machismo in character, but I always catch myself asking why they can’t think of anything more creative than making it so blatant. Not that a subtle “LOLOLOLOL GAY” would be any better, but it’s obvious that discretion is never even attempted.
Still, great read, kiddo.
It absolutely is the cheap way out. These guys could shoot destroy a person with the strength they have, but instead we have to judge how manly they are by how shitty they act towards other people. Unfortunately in Taz’s case, it’s not even to do that. He’s just being a douche for no reason.
I wouldn’t single taz out for the douchiness, as it’s shared by all. He’s just the glaring example on TNA. On WWE, he definitely has some competition.
Well, I had never listened to Lana Del Rey before this. So now that’s an obsession I’m going to have to overcome because goodlordisthatsonggorgeous. So thanks for page 3, and thanks for that.
omg me too !!!
Doing a B&W of TNA seems like such an act of of masochism that it should be its own standalone chapter in 50 shades of grey. I tried to stick with TNA even when it was downright horrible but now its just gotten so boring I occasionally tune in and then remember Parks&Rec reruns are on at the same time. Nice work as always Fembot!
Nice writeup! I have the same Marvel shirt Daniels has!! They’re just like us!
Me too! Daniels actually had a letter published in Amazing Spider-Man a few months ago. It was pretty cool
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I want to see this animated gif of Danielle running into wall.
If I possessed the storied gif making skills of THESTINGER, you would probably have one. Maybe in the new year!
Good job! :D
Thanks, bearded friend!
What better way to spend a 2 hour layover than this? Drinking and reading this? Okay, if you insist.
For real, slow claps are due for the casual incorporation of Landslide lyrics in that Samoa Joe paragraph.
I would understand the whole “You’re husband is hurt you need to be home as much as possible” thing if they ever left Florida for more than 3 days a month.
Truth! Also, his foot is injured, he’s not in a coma.
I was deadset convinced that Santa was gonna be AJ Styles by the way. To the point where I just kept saying “Please no” over and over in my head.
“Including belated ones to all of our Hanukkah-inclined readers.”
Hey! That’s Me! Merry Christmas to you, Danielle. I’ve never been sadder that my annual X-Mas trip to Canada became an X-mas trip to Idaho.
So you put a promo of a GM hyping the show in the wrong..Tsk Tsk. I guess if he said something along the lines of “TNA had a pretty bad year brother, we lost alot of talent, but we can be ok in the future!” you’d mark. Granted, the promo was a bit out of place, but you being flabbergasted about it makes me think you dont know how this business works. I also find the rating argument ludicrous, as it hasnt changed much for better or worse in all of TNA’s existence(When it was highest during the Main Event Mafia angle, people were bitching nonstop about how much the show sucks and demanded Russo to quit).
Also, you wrote:”It’s lost some of its best wrestlers, replaced them with people who probably shouldn’t be wrestling in the worst indie company you can think of” – Would that be Kenny King or Joey Ryan whose praises you sang on page 2? Or Daniels, Kazz, Roode, Styles, Aries, Magnus, etc etc..Talent wise, TNA is in a very good place, so i 100% disagree with your generalization.
One last thing – a few homophobic remarks by Tazz(obviously tongue in cheek, but admittingly tactless) made you come out of the soapbox – I dont know if you follow the WWE product, but 5 years of John Cena promos(among others) should have done that earlier..
Oh and did you forget to even mention this weeks main event? Granted, the highlight was your rant but still..
Overall, though i disagree with you on certain points, i enjoyed reading the report. Btw, heres another Butt reference to you(sort of) – when Mickie jumped over Jesse, he sort of felt her ass which is why i think she slapped him..:)
OMFG YOU SAID EVERYTHING I WANTED TO SAY EXACTLY !!!
I just LOVE~ reading this report ! it’s one of the most awesome new things in my life! but I disagree with it a lot and I don’t want to sound like a TNA mark by saying so ! but you said it for me and I totally agree with you !
TNA has now been in one of its best forms ever ! and people ignore that and just look for the bad ! but it’s still ok …
Having missed Impact to go to the movies, it’s good to see that there’s a review of it.
I agree with the bests and worsts, because watching Impact, it’s obvious what’s great and what sucks. I just wish we had gotten another excerpt from Kurt Angle’s fanfiction, but I’ll take this weeks review as is.
Also, a Chikabermetrics reference? I think I’m in love.
You mention Brazil. If I wasn’t already happily married, you and I would be happily married right now.
That last picture made me smile so hard. Merry Christmas!
I very much liked this episode of Impact. Frankie (Francois?) Kazarian doing a fist bump explosion with Santa alone made this an episode worth watching. But we also got good ring action out of Tara (my second favorite former Diva ever), quality greasiness out of Joey Ryan, and the awesome moment of Kenny King throwing up the peace sign then bailing on RVD.
I was going to comment, and thank you for your soap box speech (and I still do) but I am glad to see that dozens of people already have. I was at a show in Deer Park last night, and met many of the people you were speaking about, forcing me to feel ashamed I had brought my girlfriend to a wrestling show. But then Tony Neese did an amazing suplex, and the crowd (idiots and all) stopped being homophobic, or “ironic” and just cheered and enjoyed wrestling.
I saw a lot of this at Tommy Dreamer’s House Of Hardcore. There were MANY people there, who, first and foremost, enjoyed wrestling. It is about time that some of the more tired stereotypes were left behind.
Please never stop doing this, and please never stop calling out Taz, TNA and wrestling in general for its bullshit. Thank you. : )
Yes…please continue these. TNA has been rough to watch lately and this at least makes me feel like my habitual viewing habits are a little less sad. Thanks!
but slap an FBI badge on me and call me Mulder, because I want to believe.
and
erotic friend fiction
Your references alone make me want to read this every week. Great job.
I know I’m way late to the party, but Page 3 was all kinds of great. Being a fan of wrestling since I can remember sometime in the mid-to-late 80′s, it annoys the piss out of me when it’s automatically assumed that the average wrestling fan is still the Jerry Springer audience from the Attitude Era. I feel like the wrestling audience is always evolving and changing with the times and product. If you cater your show to ignorant fucktards, you will attract said fucktards. Everyone complains about WWE being PG (I certainly have at times), but that isn’t my biggest problem with it. Like you said, it seems to be their desire to be family friendly but still wax poetically about an era that was borderline rated R. If your show is entertaining and people beat the fuck out of each other with awesome wrestling moves, you don’t have to put in sexist, racist, or homophobic content in your show: Those fucktards will show up to watch dudes and ladies mess each other up. Only now you’re broadening your potential audience by including people who are off-put by the intolerant crap.
Anyway, I think the point I’m trying to make is, I doubt TNA would lose any viewers if a heel character went “Hehe, that’s gay” and a face came over and basically said “Who gives a shit?” before power bombing them.
that would be f*cking awesome !
So I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m one of those people that gets annoyed when I can’t figure out who a person is. Anyone know who played Santa? I know for a fact I recognized that person’s eyes but can’t for the life of me figure out who it was and its driving me nuts. Help me please! I’ll give you a cookie.
I was able to see Joey Ryan a few times with NWA Hollywood and really got a kick out of him, but dude is flat out 2 seconds away from full on masturbation. I’m not even sure he’ll be able to stop himself.
/loveconquersall (gotta love any Brazil reference)
As someone who has seen Joey Ryan wrestle in PWG for a while, he can be sleazier.
Perhaps the best PWG moment was him, Davey Richards and Kyle O’Reilley as “Team Statutory”. And every one of us in the crowd loved it.
I want to like Impact, and I generally have an easier time enjoying it than Raw, but when I have to stop and think about it, it’s pretty awful. Nice write up.
lol the same here XD
same
I actually had to go back and rewatch those segments to know exactly what the page 3 diatribe was about. I’ve gotten to the point where I just automatically tune Taz out during the shows. I can stomach Tenay, and Keneley is serviceable when Taz isn’t making TEH JOKEZ and he’s actually given a chance to do the play by play. I would never wish another Hurricane Sandy on anyone, but it was pretty sweet for those few weeks when, due to that storm, Taz wasn’t there.
lol I’m just the same !
Nice work, again. This show is usually a long string of goofball, so it’s fun to see it recapped.
“There’s blood, literal T ‘n’ A, death threats, and an angrier tone to the fake violence. These aren’t the things that attract me to TNA, and while a good portion of their fanbase might dig it, TNA has proven itself to be the most successful when they leave that behind and showcase the best possible wrestling they can from both their male and female roster.”
you hit the nail right on the head with that one !
great work danielle !! I honestly love B&W from impact more than raw’s one, because of how ridicioulis tna is at most of the time but still how great it is at the rest of the time that it’s not horrible in !!! and because of your awesome work too ofcourse ;D
but why the hell do you always forget to write about the main event in TNA ?! either it being a promo segment or a great match please don’t just skip writing about it or at least giving it a small little tiny best as it deserves !
You’re not funny, at all. Please stop ruining Brandon’s style, your cheap and sub par imitation takes away from the entire site. Until it can be done properly (hopefully by someone that understands wrestling), the TNA Best/Worst should be discontinued. TNA has enough problems keeping followers as is, they don’t need your help to drive more away.
Maybe the problem is that you’re looking for “Brandon’s style.” I didn’t ask Danielle to write the column because she could duplicate what I’d do, I asked her because I love her perspective on the show, and that’s present in the reports. So if you’re gonna hate, hate on me.
Best Christmas message ever.
And an additional “$@% &%#” to all the sad neck beards praising you cause you’re a female
I am sure you mentioned her being female for absolutely no reason!
Thank you so much for doing these. Outstanding entertainment!!