Worst: The “Where’s Your Boyfriend” chant

Maybe one day after I win the lottery and become a world-renowned philanthropist/lady who writes about wrestling, I will turn my charitable heart to the Impact Zone audience. The plan would be to stake out a decent spot at Universal Studios and hand out pamphlets featuring Tazz and Matt Hardy as helpful guides to what life decisions not to make. Need an insult? Don’t make a gay joke! Need to do anything else? Don’t do what Matt Hardy does!

Alright. So now that we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, and you now know that one of my favourite things in pro wrestling is the posedown, I’ll give you another inside track to the deepest loves of the wrestling part of my heart: There is not a single thing I love more than wrestlers impersonating other wrestlers. Like I said, simple girl, simple tastes. So imagine my delight at the entirety of the Kazarian/Christopher Daniels segment. If you imagined me laughing until I couldn’t breathe properly, you can take a novelty prize of your choice from the giant treasure chest of dollar store crap. Last week I let their segment speak for itself, but I feel like this could really use a Lightning Round. Ready, set, ACCENT.

Best: Christopher Daniels referring to the crowd as Ham Sandwiches.

Best: Christopher Daniels is a Ring General, and he’s got the custom medals to prove it. He truly is a national treasure.

Best: Calling out AJ Styles and getting Kazarian completely tops him puppeting AJ Styles entrance with a babydoll at a fake in-ring baby shower, otherwise known as the best thing to happen in TNA all year.

Best: Me thinking that in no way could Kazarian get better than he did last week, and turning me into the biggest, flamingest-pantsed liar in the history of liars. The accent, the confusion over what to do with his hands, it’s all brilliant and I want to live in this moment forever.

Worst: CHAVO GET AWAY FROM THE RING NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE

Best: Kazarian still selling his confusion as to how AJ Styles’ gloves work as Chavo tries to ruin everything I love.

The tag match was whatever, but for a few brief moments I was in comedy wrestling segment heaven, and it didn’t even involve Jervis Cottonbelly or an in-ring game of Duck Duck Goose. This is the most serious of bests I could ever give, and I’m going to just go ahead and worship them……NOW…instead of thinking about how it’s going to be downhill from here in 2013.

Worst: Speaking of rapid declines, here’s Aces & Eights … everything

I was going to pepper these throughout the report as they happened chronologically, but these backstage segments were so horrible and made me so genuinely uncomfortable inside I’m just going to get it all out at once.

I had to work through Impact and watch the replay at 11:00pm, and when I got wind via Twitter that Anderson returned, I was more than excited at the idea of writing him into this report. I have a love-hate relationship with Ken Anderson. I hate the asshole gimmick (#buttstuff), but I love legit comedy Anderson (see: stellar impersonation of Sting). I hated him for not being willing to sell a single goddamn move and just rolling out of the way of every swanton Jeff Hardy could set up, but then Victory Road happened and I realized hey, he probably just didn’t want to get hurt because Jeff Hardy was high as f*ck. He’s got a dumb gimmick and mediocre in-ring skills at best, but he was super adorable with a bunch of kids at Lockdown and way nicer to my boyfriend than he ever had to be, so like I said – love/hate.

Instead of any of the things I could have handed out a Best or Worst for in the past, we get stuck with the squicky idea that a) D.O.C. has just had a threesome with the club’s rhythmically challenged strippers (ew), and b) the only thing that can bring Ken Anderson back to the TNA fold is sloppy seconds (double ew). I don’t want to get all Danny Davis on this, but guys, this is really, really stupid. And ladies, here’s your pamphlet.