The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact 12/27/12: The Styles Kaz

I don’t watch much of the show, but I will say that glittery ring gear is indeed the best thing ever.

Another dynamite B&W! (Full Disclosure: I’ll go nuts for any Forever Comfy references that come my way.)

Only on page 2 and I love about twenty things already.

This B&W is effing fabulous

did you forget to write about aries’s promo to open the show (after being opened by brooke and bully’s love affair shitty story) or did you just ignore it because it wasn’t so much special (even though EVERYTHING aries does is ALWAYS special) ?!
nevermind … just talk about it here please !

I’m not even done reading the report but I have to say how awesome I love the B&Ws of Impact, and I say this while I have the Warrior/Rude super posedown airing in the background.

Also @Lobster Mobster, that reaction .GIF is phenomenal.

[intentionally ignores your actual meaning] You want to see less unemployed Taz in 2013? Why!!!??? [\intentionally ignores your actual meaning]

another special .. but much more special “I totally agree with you on that”: shawn-christopher-daniels-micheals-the-ring-general and aj-kaz-freakin-arian-styles promo is my promo of the year in TNA too !!!

Fantastic write up as usual. The Bro-Off was absolutely fantastic. I had a big goofy grin on my face the whole time. The whole Daniels/Kaz segment, as usual, was solid gold. From Kaz’s hilariously spot-on AJ impression, to him still trying to do AJ’s moves during the match, the Daniels’ amazing **** eating grin. Also, I desperately need a gif of Daniels strutting down the ramp toward the ring. Lastly, I think I’m going to start writing Jebediah Park fan fiction. It needs to be done.

Jebediah’s Breakfast Visitor

It was a cold, lonely morning in East Squirrelville, West Virginia. Jebediah Park was busy preparing his traditional breakfast consisting of a dozen eggs, scrambled, a pound and a half of fatback, and a tall, cool glass of heavy cream flavored with tree sap. The air was still and time almost seemed to stand still, only broken up by the crackling of pork fat in a heated cast iron skillet.

Suddenly a loud crash could be heard from outside the walls of Jebediah’s self made log cabin. Moments later a loud snort followed. Jebediah calmly removed the skillet from over the flames and set it aside. He scratched his rear end through his deer hide long johns and let out a sigh before walking barefoot to the door of his cabin.

Moments after opening the heavy double wide door a large Kodiak Bear, a thousand pounds heavy, if not more, lunged at him and took him to the ground with a thunderous crash. The beast roared loudly as it pinned Jebediah to the ground. It bent down, seemingly to bite at the large bellied man with its powerful jaws. Jebediah’s head move with lightning quickness as he headbutted the beast so forcefully that the shockwave knocked a carved wooden Blue Jay figurine off a nearby shelf. The bear was momentarily stunned by the massive concussive force of the strike and this gave Jebediah the instant he needed to free his arms, shift his weight, and roll the beast over, winding up in a mount position. The bear recovered its senses but by that time the man had placed his thick forearm across its neck, “Mom” tattoo side down. The bear struggled to get free but couldn’t buck the large man off its torso. The struggle continued for what seemed like minutes, but try as it might, the bear could not get Jebediah’s forearm off its throat. Finally as the beast gasped for oxygen it tapped its paw three times on the wooden floor of the cabin.

Jebediah took the weight off his arm and let the beast breathe, then got up off its torso. “Dag nabbit, Lucinda. Couldn’t you have waited until after I finished breakfast?”

“Snort” replied Lucinda the Bear.

“Yeah, alright.” Jebediah answered. “I got up a bit late today after last night’s shindig. I must be gettin’ old, I tells ya. That half a barrel of white lightnin’ really did me in. We’ll go fishin’ after I eat my eggs and pork.”

If this column didn’t exist, I would have had no idea that Kazarian had somehow worked his way from the wrestling equivalent of a stale crumpet to fantastically hilarious wrestling talent over the course of the last … what, year? Two months? I don’t even know, but he’s done it, and thank you for calling my attention to it.