U-S-A?

Chances are that before yesterday, unless you were a huge fan of the Summer Olympics in the 1990s, you had no clue who Suzy Favor Hamilton was, and that’s fine because you have a lot on your mind. Some people may remember her as the 1500m runner who intentionally fell during the women’s final at the 2000 Sydney Olympics because she was losing and she was a poor sport. Or maybe you remember her from this controversial Nike ad that was yanked during those same Olympics because people didn’t have a sense of humor back then either.

However, as you’ve probably seen in between stockpiling rations and digging a last-second bunker in your front yard, you could have gotten to know her very well this year for roughly $600 an hour. It turns out that the married mother was leading a double life as an escort in Las Vegas since last December, and of course I couldn’t wait three more days to write my Best Sports Moments of 2012 feature.

The Smoking Gun revealed this incredible story yesterday after a reporter had uncovered Hamilton’s unbelievable secret and confronted her with it.

“I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I’m not the victim and I’m not going that route,” Favor Hamilton said. “I’m owning up to what I did. I would not blame anybody except myself.” She added, “Everybody in this world makes mistakes. I made a huge mistake. Huge.”

HUGE! Like, while she was saying this, she should have been holding her arms as far apart as she possibly could or maybe just have been holding a sign that read: “HUGE!” in really huge letters. I mean, good golly, lady. A secret double life as a high end Vegas escort? If you’re that bored or depressed, get a puppy.

But I won’t pretend to play shrink to Hamilton’s chaotic brain, and I don’t have to because she ran off a series of Tweets yesterday explaining why she did this.

Obviously, in a fair and just world, this would be something that is between her and her husband, who was apparently well aware of her other career, but this is the Internet era, baby, so it’s everybody’s business. But I think that YouTube commenter “liontiigerbear” summed this entire ordeal up best on that linked Nike ad when he poignantly stated: “Funny lol I’d pay for it.” So well said.

On the next page, you can check out Hamilton’s full profile from the escort service, and TSG has a ton of blurry pics, too. Forbes also has an interesting piece on the plight of Olympic athletes who aren’t Usain Bolt famous and rich. While you read that, I’m going to scour every Las Vegas escort site on the web to see if any girls look like Alex Morgan. Uh, for research, naturally.