Chances are that as you read this you’re either setting your fantasy football lineup for your league’s championship game, or you’re curled up in the fetal position in a puddle of your own filth, wondering how it all went wrong. Out of five leagues, I’m prepping for two championship matches, so I ask not for any sympathy today, but instead, as always, offer my broad, hulking shoulders as a temple for which you can lean on. After all, I might be one of the few human beings on this planet who enjoys listening to people talk about their fantasy teams.

As far as the MVPs and LVPs this week, there were plenty of pleasant surprises, as well as dependable performances from those players that we depend on the most. Oh, and there were plenty of guys who let us down as well, including Eli Manning, who may have two Super Bowl rings, but after the season he’s having, I wouldn’t be surprised if Archie and Peyton make him sit at the kids’ table for Christmas this year.

So what the hell have the rest of you done for us lately, professional athlete millionaires?

QBs Who Did What We Expected Them To: Drew Brees (37), Aaron Rodgers (30), Matt Ryan (28), Tom Brady (26), Ben Roethlisberger (23), Cam Newton (21)

Not much of a surprise happening with this group. Chances are if you have one of these guys then you’re sitting pretty. Or maybe not. This season’s been a real bastard with surprises. I blame Roger Goodell.

RBs Who Did What We Expected Them To: Adrian Peterson (27), Alfred Morris (20), Marshawn Lynch (18), Chris Johnson (18), CJ Spiller (16), Arian Foster (16)

If the Minnesota Vikings make the playoffs, then Peterson is the league’s MVP. This shouldn’t even be up for debate. The NFL doesn’t make an award meaningful enough for what he has accomplished this season.

Also, as Chris Johnson probably won quite a few people their matchups with his performance last night, which included a 94-yard touchdown run that was the longest in the NFL over the past six seasons, he also did it with the names of every Sandy Hook victim on his shoes and that was a nice gesture. I’m not as good with words as many other Internet writer peoples, but I gained a ton of respect for CJ2K last night.

WRs Who Did What We Expected Them To: Andre Johnson (21), Julio Jones (20), Eric Decker (19)

Chances are that if you lost this week, it’s because your top receivers let you down. Sure, the Top 3 WRs in fantasy scoring – Calvin Johnson, Brandon Marshall and AJ Green – each topped the 10-point mark (depending on your league’s scoring), but we’re depending on those guys to carry us right now. 10 or 11 points may not cut it.

QBs Who Let Us Down: Josh Freeman (1), Eli Manning (2), Matt Stafford (3), Philip Rivers (6), Carson Palmer (7), Peyton Manning (11)

This was a very fitting end to the massive letdown given to us by Stafford this season. But hey, he may pass for 5,000 yards again to become the first QB in league history to pass for 5,000 yards in consecutive seasons. DOOOOOOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAAAAAARE. I hope Drew Brees finishes with 5,000 yards and Stafford only ends up with 4,999 yards. Big ol’ jerk.

RBs Who Let Us Down: Stevan Ridley (0), Ryan Matthews (2), Doug Martin (2), Ray Rice (3), Bryce Brown (4), David Wilson (6)

The moral of this story is to never, ever, never ever ever ever put your faith in a young RB or an elite RB that may have been completely ruined by Cam Cameron’s horrible offense. And if you do put your faith in a rookie RB, make sure he’s as wonderful as Alfred Morris.

WRs Who Let Us Down: Danario Alexander (0), Kenny Britt (0), Demaryius Thomas (1), Reggie Wayne (1), Victor Cruz (1), Roddy White (1), Torrey Smith (1), Larry Fitzgerald (2), Hakeem Nicks (4)

I started Alexander in my four playoff matchups, and amazingly I won two despite his disappearing act. Back to the bench with you, you awful, wretched swine. (Side note: Thanks for the past four weeks, Danario.) Additionally…

QBs Who Were Pleasant Surprises: Russell Wilson (41), Sam Bradford (33), Colin Kaepernick (32), Ryan Tannehill (25), Kirk Cousins (23)

I really want to keep Wilson in the QBs that we expected to succeed category, but last week’s performance against Arizona makes me wary of trusting him. Also, if you somehow started Cousins in a fantasy playoff matchup, you need to drive to Bristol, Connecticut right now and just go sit at Matthew Berry’s desk and start doing his job.

RBs Who Were Pleasant Surprises: Beanie Wells (24), Danny Woodhead (20), DeAngelo Williams (18), Mike Tolbert (18)

This is like the Who’s Who of Week 11 waiver pickups. I’ll bet they all looked great sitting on a 4-10 team’s bench.

WRs Who Were Pleasant Surprises: James Jones (24), Michael Crabtree (22), Brandon Lloyd (19), Leonard Hankerson (17)

Congratulations to Jones for finding the end zone again after being covered in cob webs on my bench for the last seven weeks. (Side note: Thank you for the first six weeks of the season, Mr. Jones.)

As always, share your wins or losses in the comments and I will be preparing milk and cookies in the corner.