Seriously, Shaun White. You’ve ruined the Little Mermaid for millions of perverts.

Now here’s the weekend’s best sports action, as I get ready to go prepare for the Orlando Magic opener in the only acceptable manner – drowning myself in bourbon.

Tonight

NBA: Miami Heat at New York Knicks – 8 PM ET on ESPN

I’m not too fond of this whole dickhead Dwyane Wade thing. He must have realized that he’s dating a 40-year old.

NBA: L.A. Clippers at L.A. Lakers – 10:30 PM ET on ESPN

If you’re enjoying the Lakers’ 0-2 start, go read this. Or, if you’d like something less asinine and painful, slam your penis in a car door.

NCAA Football: Washington Huskies at California Golden Bears – 9 PM ET on ESPN 2

Fun fact: It took me 4 minutes to remember Cal’s mascot. But by gosh, I didn’t look it up and I stuck to my guns until I remembered it. It’s important that we note that I’m stupid.

Saturday

NCAA Football: No. 16 Texas A&M at No. 17 Miss. State – Noon on ESPN

The most exciting game of the season that will be played at noon on ESPN on Nov. 3 this year.

NCAA Football: Pittsburgh at No. 3 Notre Dame – 3:30 PM ET on NBC

I’m calling this as the upset of the season. I’m wrong, but I just wanted to seem really cool by saying it.

NCAA Football: No. 1 Alabama at No. 5 LSU – 8 PM ET on CBS

Oh boy, I hope it’s as exciting as the two times they played last year!

NCAA Football: No. 24 Arizona at No. 25 UCLA – 10:30 PM ET on Pac-12 Network

Let’s face it, half of us will be asleep by this game, thanks to the ‘Bama/LSU game.

Sunday

Every NFL game. They’re all equally important, especially since the Chiefs already played.