It’s NBA season, and I desperately need to stop dicking around and pick a team to follow.
Here’s a brief history of my basketball fandom. When I was a kid growing up in southern Virginia, I loved the Charlotte Hornets. They were the closest team to me, purple and teal were in because The 1990s and Larry Johnson was helping Eddie Winslow win basketball games on ‘Family Matters’. For whatever reason (Alonzo Mourning in big, flashing letters) I drifted away from the Hornets and had a brief love for the Golden State Warriors before moving on and going to college and not caring about sports for a few years.
Eventually I moved to Cleveland, and you know how that story goes. OH WOW, THE CAVALIERS! LEBRON JAMES IS GREAT HE WILL BE WITH US FOR shit, my heart. I was prepared to give up basketball forever, but now I’m the editor-in-chief of a comedy sports blog, so I can’t. I loved basketball before, and I can love it again.
Right now I’m living in central Texas. That means I’ve got three NBA teams within a reasonable driving distance, four if you count New Orleans, and actually seeing the team play occasionally is important to me. This is where you come in. After the jump I’ve provided a handy poll, and I’d like for you to choose a team for me to love, drop down into the comments section and explain why you chose them. Next Friday I will consult the results of the poll and the comments section arguments and reveal which team I’ve chosen to love, then cover them incessantly for the rest of the season. Sound good? Good.
Choose wisely!
Before you ask, the Miami Heat do not count as an NBA team.
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I chose the Rockets, because the Mavericks are the popular choice, the Spurs are the boring choice, and the Hornets haven’t changed their name and logo yet, so you need to wait to see if it’s something cool. The Rockets have Harden and Lin. They’re a Tebow short of perfect marketing.
I agree with Burnsy, with the exception of calling the Spurs just boring. They somehow have become my mortal enemy and I hate them.
I only call them boring because it gets a fun reaction sometimes.
I hate the Spurs with the burning passion of a thousand suns. Translation: F those guys!
How dare you, Burnsy! Did you see that game last night against the Thunder? THAT’S PURE SPURS EXCITEMENT!
/fun reaction
How could you, Burnsy? Tim Duncan is MR. EXCITEMENT!
I can’t explain why but it’s really easy to dislike the Spurs. I’d recommend the Thunder, for my money the only good thing that’s ever come out of Oklahoma.
San Antonio, unless you don’t watch ESPN and don’t have absurd expectations that won’t be matched about James Harden.
Go back to the Cavs simply for Uncle Drew. And Luke Harangody is quite LULZ.
Other – Minnesota Timberwolves, because they have the most splendidly goofy roster in the league. Also, white guys playing basketball = sports comedy.
That is a very good choice. Oh, Kevin Love.
Co-Sign on the T-Wolves. Kevin Love is a double-double machine, Brandon Roy is impossible to root against, and Ricky Rubio is an absolute DELIGHT to watch play. Even though I’m a Bucks fan first, I find it impossible to watch a Minnesota game without a goofy grin plastered on my face.
I think it’s a little harder to pick the Wolves with Rubio and Love both out for at least the first 6 weeks, but I think they’re a great pick if you’re planning on picking a team and sticking with it for the foreseeable future. We got AK-47 this offseason, who looks like the Russian in Rocky 4 and has a hot wife (Masha Lopatova) who lets him sleep with one woman a year outside of their marriage. They’ve been putting out entertaining, ridiculous commercials featuring their players. As said above, it can’t be ignored that white guys playing basketball = sports comedy. Plus, if things go bad at any time, Kahn always makes for a good scapegoat.
There is nothing to not love about Omer Asik, who looks like Judge Reinhold and was nicknamed “Cheese Toast” by Joakim Noah (because ont he road he would eat cheese toast [?]). The Rockets are an obvious choice, even without Harden.
Oh wow also his middle name is “Faruk” so maybe there is a Faruk/Farooq Acolytes thing to be happening there
Go with the Rockets. They overpaid for Harden but they’ve got a lot of assets. Royce White will be fun to watch while he’s around.
In a year or so Morrey will move some guys to acquire one more top 20 player, and then you could have a contender.
The Houston Rockets, because of James Harden and his magnificent Mr. T-esque hair & beard Perfect for pitying fools on the court.
Rockets ’cause “Fear the Beard”!
if you go back to Cleveland, I will find and mail you a Bob Sura jersey.
Raptors, because DIFFERENT.
haha I’m not sure I knew the Raptors still existed, I just assumed they moved to Kansas City or something and became the Kansas City ZAZZ
Are the Kansas Zazz the evil counterparts of the Utah Jazz?
I chose the Spurs because Tim Duncan is one of the easiest players in the league to like. Also you won’t have to worry about hearing any bulls**t media stories about them during the season. Then when the playoffs start and the talking heads finally give the Sours some credit, you will feel good yelling at the TV about how they have been good all season. And this repeats itself every year. One last thing: it’s delightful to watch Pop make sideline reporters uncomfortable.
Sours is the best typo. Just a team full of grumpy curmudgeons.
“Tim Duncan is one of the easiest players in the league to like.” is a hilarious sentence. I can’t touch that sentence comedy-wise. Mostly because then it would glare at the refs every time until they called a foul.
The Grumpiest Basketballing Squadron in the league >:(
Congraved, perfectly said.
Even Duncan’s glare is likable. Glare isn’t even the right word for such a gentle look. Sours does describe Pop pretty well, though.
There is no way that Duncan, Ginobli, and Parker will all stay healthy the entire season.
I voted Spurs of the choices. But the Rockets should be fun if you’re not opposed to name based puns.
San Antonio because Greg Popovich is awesome and manages to make Stephen Jackson and Boris Diaw be useful, and because Tony Parker is a MVP-type player no one will include in the MVP race.
Other – Sacramento Kings. Because you apparently haven’t had enough heartbreak as a basketball fan. Also, DeMarcus Cousins is hilarious.
Minnesota Timberwolves (skip first 6 weeks until Rubio and Love come back)
Oklahoma City. Fun, uptempo team. Kevin Durant is incredible, Russell Westbrook is a freak athlete that will occasionally make you question your devotion. Serge Ibaka blocks shots into the third row.
Durant’s not even fair. He’s a likeable LeBron. As an Angeleno, I hate that.
Everyone’s gonna be riding high on the Rockets because of James Harden’s debut and Jeremy Lin. But Harden just got paid and given the care he puts into his facial hair there is a fair-to-middlin chance he will get Funkasaurus fat next summer.
I think Cuban is the most entertaining personality involved in the Texas-area NBA teams, so even though Dirk is old that’s probably where I’d test the waters.
Dallas Mavericks. Because Mark Cuban reminds of John Laurinaitis.
Jump on boar with the celtics. Not only did the team get a whole lot better in the offseason, but it would be a whole new vehicle for your Lebron hate!
Plus I’m sick of everyone outside of New England hating our teams “because Boston”. We’re considered spoiled cry babies… But the truth is that for all the success that we’ve had in Boston in the last ~decade, there’s been even more vicious heart break. It’s truly a spectacular thing to be a part of.
Although, being in Texas, you don’t quite get the absurd luxury of listening to tommy heinsons homer ass on commentary.
This is why so many people hate NE fans:
“But the truth is that for all the success that we’ve had in Boston in the last ~decade, there’s been even more vicious heart break.”
No there fcking hasn’t!
What Hiroux says. Just because you made it to the finals and only won SOME of the time doesn’t mean that you’ve had more vicious heart breaks.
Blow it out your asses you two. ” Waaa waaa you guys are racist and you aren’t real fans.” Save that shit for the Pats and Red Sox. Brandon, at least consider the Celtics. Great team history, great fans, ownership that cares etc. Plus watching Kevin Garnett almost go insane every night is always fun.
03 alcs
08 alcs
06 afc championship
07 superbowl
Week 1 08
11 superbowl
08 finals
10 eastern conf finals
11 eastern conf finals
Why’d you go and list that Leary? Are you trying to make me sad?
My hometown soccer team just burst into flames, going from the 1st division to the 5th in 2-years time, and you guys are “heartbroken” because you lost in the finals? Of course it’s disappointing, but come on.
Assuming your in Austin (where else in Central TX would you be? Waco?) its gotta be the Spurs, SA is only an hour away whereas Houston is 3.5 (Dallas is only an option when they are playing the Lakers/cHeat). SA is a well run organization and doesn’t make incredulous attempts to land players like Dwight Howard. The Beard/Linsanity are ok, but Kawhi Leonard is a player!
Leonard is so cute!
Ugh, I feel awful at myself for that pun.
Fair play to SA because they do run a very good organization, I just fear for their future since apparently senior citizen entitlements will likely be cut under the next President so Duncan, Parker and Ginobili are in trouble
Agreed on San Antonio, exactly because of proximity. Living in Austin, it’d be really easy to choose some weeknight game, drive down there, pick up a ticket outside the AT&T Center, and still be home before midnight. Driving to Dallas or Houston would require much more planning and time commitment. 3.5 hours doesn’t seem like a lot until you’re faced with the prospect of driving home at the end of the night.
Agreed. It’s very easy to go to a Spurs game if you live in Austin.
Hey Waco isn’t that bad we have…….. a Great Women’s Basketball team and………our zoo is pretty cool.
Mavs. Cuban shells out buttloads of money to make them at least competitive every year. The arena is awesome and right on the interstate. It takes like 6 minutes to get out after a game.
And how can you not love Dirk? He’s a humble 7 ft freak of nature superstar who’s goofy looking as shit and speaks with a comical German accent.
I’m jumping on the Hornets bandwagon myself, so I say New Orleans. A real young team that you don’t have to expect that much from. Anthony Davis will be fun to watch. Doesn’t the bearded wonder that is Chris Trew rep New Orleans? Seems like good hairy company.
The Warriors, because LOL
Texas teams – Spurs because remember the Alamo, 2nd choice Rockets because remember San Jacinto.
Other – Orlando Magic so you and Burnsy can bitch about them at the same time.
Rockets – good enough that you can ride the “potential” train, not enough pieces so that you can justify the hope that will sustain you through the long season and the inevitable first-round exit and keep you hanging on into next season.
If you’re in the Hill Country, celebrate your selection of the Rox by finding a great ‘cue place (easy to do around there) and eating yourself into a food coma. Best of luck!
He’s a vegan, and I think “vegan Texas barbecue” is a concept that just collapses in on itself (or violently explodes outward).
He should be in luck as he is in the nexus that is in the Austin area (lots of veggie options) and the Hill Country, which is BBQ mecca. Options to be had there
Thunder, because when you wear your road jersey, you’ll find that there’s no word Texans love to see on a shirt more than Oklahoma.
I think you should follow the Lakers because something special is going to happen: they’re either going to win a championship or Kobe is going to kill multiple people, possibly live in HD on TV.
The season is two games old and Kobe is already calling fans stupid. I can see Jack Nicholson slipping him a shiv, and Kobe stabbing Dwight Howard to death for committing his fourth foul in the first quarter against Jeremy Lin in the backcourt.
As a person who has watched wrestling for 20 years, once had season tickets to independent league baseball, is a Cleveland Indians fan, was a Hornets fan, became a Nets fan, then moved to San Antonio and became a Spurs fan because we all knew the worst thing ever (New York) was taking the Nets in a year or two I can tell you the easy decision is the Spurs. I think I’m pretty qualified to make the decision for 3MrBrandonstroud.
Also, you loved WCW with good technical wrestling and fun young people (Spurs) and didn’t like the WWE with its one star and way too involved owner (Mavs).
Just when you come to the AT&T center forget about the stupid concession lady that refused to give you the rest of the bottled water you paid for.
As a Houstonian, it is against every fiber in my being to not hate every Dallas team.
The Spurs are old and an after thought.
After a few years in the cellar, its time to be excited again as a Rockets fan. With this small core of young talent we are only going to get better over the next few years and that is very intriguing and should entice new fans.
NO doesn’t count.
So let me know when you’re coming to Toyota Center, B-Stro…we’ll (vegan without alcohol) party.
Ain’t no party like a (vegan without alcohol) party. What do you do, sit around and discuss the fart-producing qualities of different bean curds?
Oh, right. But when you’re baked and a vegan, where do you go? Taco Bell and Dunkin’ are out, right?
Jack in the Box tacos are soy, bam, vegan stoner paradise.
Rockets. Smart GM who’s saving up tradeable assets for a star player, and a solid core of very young, but talented players that you might get to see develop into a playoff contender after a couple years, a la OKC. Nothing could be more fun. Other teams are holding on to boring veteran squads. No brainer IMO.
+1
I love that Other is currently beating Dallas and NO combined. lol
You’ve got to go with New Orleans for the irony.
First, nothing says “New Orleans” like hornets.
Second, it’s obvious that NO won’t be celebrating a lot of football victories this year, so the basketball team will be the focus of the city’s love.
Third, if you’re going to go to a game, New Orleans is a better destination than your other choices (except San Antonio–I like that town)
Fourth, What better way to give the finger to Texas than supporting an out-of-state team?
You should cheer for the CHARLOTTE BOBCATS. There’s no where to go but up, and there’s a 99% chance they get the Hornets name back which will be great because nostalgia. Plus, we got Cho for our GM so look at OKC to see what we’ll be in a few years.
Brendan, please don’t saddle yourself with one of those four teams, choose Oklahoma. They’re exciting. They’re ascending as a power team in the NBA. They have the best 2 young players in the league. Oklahoma is sorta not too far for a road trip, kinda.
You need a winner. You are an Indians fan, right? C’mon, that’s enough loserville for any sports fan. Unless, of course, you’re a sado-masochist.In which case, go right ahead and pick one of those four teams and torture yourself for the rest of you life. Just, please, remember, you did it to yourself.
The Los Angeles Clippers of Los Angeles.
Why: Blake Griffin brings the lols, dunks, and terrible 20 ft jumpers. DeAndre Jordan might either be the next Dikembe (defensive genius) or JaVale McGee. Chris Paul brings the actual game and the “don’t pat me on the head, Pao!” angry small guy vibe that Muggsy Bogues had.
In short: MVP/All Star level stars (CP3 & Griffin) + champion level veterans (Billups, Odom, Butler, Hill) + good young backups (Jordan, Bledsoe) + horrible ownership (DAMMIT, STERLING)
Chicago Bulls, because why not?
Spurs tickets are cheap throughout the regular and post-season.
You should pick the Cavs or the Raptors. The Cavs are probably 2 years away from being really, really good. Like, possibly beating the Heat good. The Raptors look like they finally got their shit together and are 3-4 years away from being a very good team.
I like your articles so I am going to help you out and push you in the right direction and suggest you share in my love of the Rockets, and if you haven’t joined the Texans fan club, then I don’t know what you’re waiting on
I chose ‘other’, Golden State Warrirors. That’s because once they get their new stadium right next door to the Giants ballpark, they’ll say ‘Where’d both our fans go? Oh hey, let’s give courtside seats to this bloggy thingy guy”.
You can’t lose, even if they can’t win.
I vote you become a Knicks fan because you can just learn the name of some guy off the bench and talk about him next year and most of the so-called Knicks fans will think you’re a diehard.
Also because of my whole Knicks fans/Battered wives analogy that after writing down seemed a little in poor taste.
Houston, because even a German DJ living in LA seemed inspired by the BeardSanity backcourt: [youtu.be]
Seriously though, you want to jump on this Houston bandwagon now. The Rockets have the cap space to add another max contract player, but aren’t dumb enough to blow their wad on Josh Smith. They might trade for a disgruntled star or pull another Hardenesque trade for a player who still has a year left going into next season.
Sixers, great coach, best center in the east, young team with upside and owners trying to return the team to being contenders. And they play good defence.
The Rockets. Why? SImple; REVENGE [www.theatlantic.com]
As a Fan Of The Timberwolves, I vote for The Timberwolves.
Timberwolves.
(Plus, if they can survive until mid-December, they could make a little noise. Not too much, but a little.)
Wolves up 10 in the 2nd QTR, AK47 still looks like a malnourished ghoul. Plenty of time to hop on board.
As a New Jersey native, I’m kind of jealous that you’ve got four teams to pick from. Right now the closest teams I can go for are the Nets, which I gave up on when they announced they were moving to Brooklyn, the Knicks, which I can’t, because I viewed them as rivals of the Nets, and Celtics/76s are out because I don’t like the idea of rooting for a Boston/Philly basketball team.
Rockets. Harden is currently averaging 41 a game.
Rockets. Being a Houston sports fan gives you just enough hope that the inevitable disappointment stings that much more. What else could you ask for from sports?
I choose Team Hell No, although they’re going to have to find 3 partners for this 10-man tag thing you’re talking about.
Or the Clippers.
The Hornets because reason to hit to NO all winter/spring. “I can’t hit that party Thursday. I have to drink sazeracs and eat etouffee. Probably going to hit a Hornets game too.”
Spurs. Because rooting for teams that win (SA) is more fun than rooting for teams that lose (Houston, NO). And F Dallas.
Of the Texas teams, I’d have to go with Houston because they seem to be the most fun to watch… at least for a guy like me who doesn’t really understand/care about the more technical aspects of basketball.
I voted other, though, because you can’t abandon the Cavs. Kyrie is fantastic, Varejao is still hanging around doing Varejao things, and they’re poised to be a routine contender within the next two or three years. Plus, vegan things: [veganincleveland.blogspot.com]
Larry Johnson did not help Eddie Winslow win basketball games. He helped Steve Urkel beat Eddie Winslow and Kenny “The Spider” Jackson in a 2-on-2 basketball tournament.
the spurs are old but they will make playoffs, the mavs have dirk and it’s hard to not to love him. the rockets have the memories of their 94-95 championship, a lot of heart and a lot to prove. the aac is cooler than the toyota center, but I am a rockets fan for life. they are going to have an interesting year for sure.
LA Clippers. Underrated, but have to potential to be a powerhouse team.
The Celtics … but only if you’re able to get access to the local Boston broadcast and listen to Tommy Heinsohn’s commentary. Sheer gold for a comedy sports site, believe you me!
Obviously, I’m a Lakers fan (that’s right… fuck all of you), but if I weren’t I’d probably root for the Blazers. They’re young, and are they’re fairly well set up at every position:
PG – Damian Lillard
SG – Wesley Matthews
SF – Nicolas Batum
PF – LaMarcus Aldridge
C – Meyers Leonard
If they can keep that team together, they’re going to be the team to beat in a few years.
With that being said, I really like the Hornets’ future prospects as well. Mark my words, Al-Farouq Aminu is going to be a stud… an Andre Iguodala-type player. And obviously, Anthony Davis is the man. Greivis Vasquez is going to be a solid point guard as well, and Austin Rivers is a solid prospect. So, if you were a Hornets fan before, might as well stick with them.
Nets, so then you can be like “Oh, I used to live in Brooklyn” or “I have a family member from Brooklyn” and then look like you’re a diehard with blood ties to the team and nobody will think you’re a dbag for rooting just this year.
SIXERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Andrew Bynum is goona take us back 2 Da “Promise Land”!
ginobili!!!!!!!!!
My “other” vote is also for the Timberwolves. They just scored outscored the Nets 32-10 in the final quarter to erase a 22-point deficit. And everyone’s European for some reason. And “Alexey Shved” is fun to say.
I think you’d like following San Antonio or Houston. The Spurs are a great organization with lots of loyal players, a consistently good team, and Tim Duncan is just a cool, quiet dude. They’re always going to go a couple rounds in the playoffs, so if being in sight of a championship is important to you, this is the team. Think of them as Tyson Kidd. Really gifted, but no gimmick or personality.
The Houston Rockets are a wild card but they will be exciting as hell to watch. A rebounding savant giant, an efficent unleashed bearded scorer, and a point guard that loves to drive into dude’s faces. There’s also a good narrative to their team. They’re all young and new to the team, their top two stars were burned by their old team that supposedly loved them, and all eyes are on them to see if they wreck. I will peg them as pre-debut Sin Cara. No one knows if they’re good or not, but everyone’s watching to see, and in the mean time they’ve got some cool moves.