Chapter One – Kaos Rules:
Walter Foxx wakes up to some serious pain in his right hand and reminisces about last night’s adventure. Foxx and his friends, collectively known as Kaos, were hanging out at Café Pistol at Happening Harbor and watching people walk to the nearby Dead Grunion nightclub for Pajama Night. The ladies looked good and the “pajama boys” were open for ribbing, so it was going to be a good night.
Unfortunately, “Donovan” is a pajama boy, 6’8”, over 300 pounds, an NFL lineman, and he and his two friends decide to take a seat at the table right next to Kaos. Their withering looks are enough to send the younger members of Kaos packing, but Foxx stays sipping his drink. That is, until he hears the call of “Kaos! Kaos!”
Foxx investigates to find six pajama boys and six members of Kaos squaring up. Since it’s an even fight, Foxx hangs back, just watching. Walter’s buddy Marcus is getting the better of his particular pajama boy, so the guy takes off for his car, so of course Marcus has to jump into the moving vehicle, followed by two other pajamas boy, but it’s all good, Marcus puts the driver in a chokehold and forces him to stop the car. That’s when a conscientious objector pajama boy fires a gun into the air and that kills most of the fight mood.
Just as things look like they might be dispersing, Donovan and his two buddies roll up, and Donovan has the “I’m a big guy, so I can intimidate everyone else” attitude that Foxx just hates. After a tense moment, Donovan heads to his car, but finds the fresh paint has been scratched by someone carelessly overturning a beer onto it. He insinuates Foxx is fat, and that doesn’t sit well with Walter. Donovan gets into his car and aims for Kaos, looking to get the crew to scatter. Walter’s friend Tim hucks a beer bottle and it shatters against the trunk of Donovan’s new BMW convertible.
Donovan gets out of his car and challenges the bottle-thrower to come forward and get murdered. Foxx pulls a Spartacus and steps up to the giant. Walter steps into Donovan’s sloppy hook and drops him with a right straight, a one-hit KO (Must be the four-rep 495 pounds Foxx has been bench pressing recently). With Donovan down, Walter climbs on top and starts unloading on his unconscious foe (Steve Mazzagatti must have been refereeing this bout), then he grabs Donovan by the hair and cracks his head into the pavement. With a possible corpse on his hands, Foxx jumps on Donovan’s belly twice before making his getaway.
Foxx waits for the cops and paramedics to show up and take Donovan away before he heads to a payphone to call his buddy Rolando for a ride home.
Fight Stats:
• Did Walter fight? Yes
• Walter’s opponent – Donovan, 6’8”, 300+ pounds (Had at least 70 pounds on Walter and eight inches thanks to the cowboy boots)
• Did Walter get hit? Nope
• Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 1 standing arm strike (KO), 3+ ground arm strikes, 1 head slam
• Similar MMA fight – vs. John Matua, UFC 6
Key lines: “I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on.”
Holy crap, that is an amazing line, I have to find situations to use it in my life.
Be sure to visit With Leather again soon for Part 2, featuring chapters 2-4.


yay!
YAY LOBSTER!
Thanks, Alex*! Yay!
+readingisFUNdaMENTAL!
also, YAY!
I am so happy for this entry this morning. So, so very happy.
I’m as happy as Don Frye was grounding out Amauri Bittetti at UFC 9.
This is great.
seconded
That clip against Matua pretty much says it all for Tank Abbot.
Please tell me there is a chapter where Walter dances and wears a shirt with nipple cut outs in CWC.
Not sure yet! Besides, I’m not going to spoil anything (That would be dialing the right combination to Brandon’s throw-down vault, and I don’t want to do that).
I don’t even have a throw-down vault. I keep my throw down in an unsealed envelope with a rubber band around it, so that it may be accessed easily.
Awesome job, LM!
“…Kaos, were hanging out at Café Pistol at Happening Harbor and watching people walk to the nearby Dead Grunion nightclub for Pajama Night.”
WOAH…that’s a pretty wild combination of words there. Are we sure this book isn’t the end result of the longest Mad Libs ever?
Thanks, Ricky!
Don’t forget, Tank was drunk each time he sat down to write.
and the Nobel Prize for literature goes to…TORNK ORBUT
VODKA BLIZZARDS!? Man, Tank Abbott sure likes to DQSomething Different!
All the awards to Lobster Mobster! A gripping grappling review!
Thanks! There are so many more chapters to cover, so many more fights to compare to the time Tank mocked a guy’s unconscious seizure.
That was so great. You are the Leigh Butler of Uproxx.
Thanks, even though I don’t know who that is!
If you read The Wheel of Time or A Song of Ice and Fire, she’s been writing a recap of each book on tor.com Really good stuff.
I don’t, but I’ve considered starting Ice and Fire. Maybe after the Tank Abbott Experience is over.
Nice Job Lob Mob!
I wonder who the real-life inspiration for Donovan was… I bet Siragusa wears PJs.
Thanks, 85!
Dang Goose, ruining things!
“Surprisingly, there are some characteristics that Tank shares with his self-insert protagonist, like LIVING LIFE FULL THROTTLE AND NOT CARING WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT HIM!”
Holy Moly do I like this.
Thanks, Bear!
I gotta admit, “sipping on a siren” is Leonard Cohen-esque. Is Tank/Walter going to drink the moon next?
Great job, Lob Mob!
Thanks! Semi-spoiler: Walter is going to drink everything
Nice job Ms Mobster!
Thank you!
+1, ALL THE BESTS, AWWW YEEEEAHH LOBBY!!!
YEAAAH! THANKS!
OK, why did nobody tell me Fat Aziz Ansari was in Tank’s entourage?
I’ve never watched a MMA fight before and having now seen our protaganist in action I’m surprised he knows what a “straight right” is.
Keep up the good work LobMob!
Thanks!
This is wonderful. Excellent work!
Thank you, internet friend!
The Queen’s Necklace is the name for a section of the coastline you can see from where he was sitting. Siren is presumably a drink, but IDK.
this book is obviously way over your head.your just a dumb little girl that does not know what real men do in the U.S.A. Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas. you should try writing a book! much less living one! tell walter that the brazlian boys in pj’s to knock on Tanks door! get over hating what your not!
‘sup tank
I appreciate the comments! Would you do me a favor and read the entries I’ve written and let me know your thoughts on them? I would really appreciate it!