"You're the best at being the worst!"
Doug Martin had 8 carries for 31 yards heading into halftime of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ 42-32 win over the Oakland Raiders. In the second half, the rookie out of Boise State carried the ball 17 times for 220 yards and 4 touchdowns, in what is one of the most ridiculous non-QB fantasy football performances of all-time. I bring this up not to celebrate the rookie of the year frontrunner, but to bitch about him instead. Welcome to my new Monday feature – the With Leather Fantasy Football Support Group.
Years ago, when MySpace was a thing and not a Justin Timberlake paycheck, I used to have a group for my friends in which we would ask each other advice about trades, bye week pick-ups, whose mom had the hottest cans, etc. and I always meant to bring that here, I just forgot because I’m an idiot. But that ends today, because each Monday I’m going to reach out to people who have been scorned and destroyed by the biggest fantasy football performances of the week. It starts with Doug Martin, because I traded him two weeks ago and yesterday that bro’s team tore my balls off and used them as a hackey sack.
So here’s how this should work – I’m going to share my “Cool story, bro” and some responses from Twitter. Then, I encourage everyone to also share their stories in the comments. THEN, I will pick the absolute worst defeat of the week – with proof, of course – and award that bro or broette a brand new, third edition With Leather t-shirt that will look something like this, but will have a funny picture and better font:
I’ve been meaning to make that shirt for a few weeks now, ever since my best friend and the WWE’s next big star, Derrick Bateman, blamed his terrible fantasy team on my preseason rankings*. That said, here’s my Doug Martin story:
Two weeks ago, I couldn’t believe my luck. A guy offered me Chris Johnson and Julio Jones for Doug Martin and Antonio Brown. I still believe I got the better end of that deal, because it’s a keeper league and I got Martin in the third round so I wouldn’t have kept him anyway and Brown has been a dud. But I also have Matt Ryan, so pairing him with Jones was a godsend. I played the guy I made that deal with this week, and heading into that halftime, I was steamrolling, thanks to Johnson’s garbage TD, the Bears’ incredible first half, and Brandon Marshall’s 3 TDs. After the second half? I’ve already lost, 177.38-158.58. That knocks me out of first place and drops me to 5-4. And I lose my points lead.
But that’s like Mitt Romney bitching about losing five bucks, so come on – give me your fantasy football war stories from this week and let’s see if we can make you feel better. Here is this week’s leading contender because I enjoy the imagery. But feel free to beat it.
I’m pretty sure he meant “like”, but after the Indianapolis Colts beat the Miami Dolphins yesterday, I don’t mind.
*Not that you asked, but I’m in 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 3rd in four leagues and we won’t talk about my horrendous auction league team because my rankings weren’t made for that. My point is that my rankings worked fine for me, so don’t blame my science, dammit.
(Banner image via Shutterstock.)
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I’m in 1st place in my work league, facing an opponent who is 0-8, and hasn’t been changing her lineup most weeks. 45 minutes before the late games kick off, she swaps players into 3 open/bye spots, including Golden Tate, a guy she had just picked up off the waiver wire. 15 points from Tate later, I’m looking at an 8 point loss.
You misspelled him and he.
And his.
@Burnsy – :( but like, a mad expression.
Not that I’m playing fantastical footballs this year, but I am pretty awful in a UFC pick’em game!
it’s ok man… i lost to both the girls in our league
Man, I wish I could contribute but I actually won (am winning) this week. As long as Vick doesn’t go bananas tonight.
Get ready for a sob story: Despite putting up a respectable day, I ran into the perfect storm of fantasy football. Brandon Marshall, Doug Martin, Mikel Leshoure, the Bears D, Brian Hartline’s return to relevance, and the guy still has Vick and Shady tonight going against the Saints tire fire of a defense. I am beating every other team in my league this week and it doesn’t matter. The planets aligned for my opponent this week and I couldn’t get out of the way.
I feel your pain.
I was feeling good after starting SD d/st Thursady night and even Rivers. Still feeling good after Owen Daniels, AJ Green and Ray Rice at 1pm even though my buddy had Megatron. Then Martin went off and I’m now down 29 points. Any chance Pierre Thomas tonight matches Martin’s performance?
Also, I would have beaten 10 other teams in my league this week other than the one I played with Martin on the roster. Fantasy football is the worst.
I forgot to add I had Carson Palmer on my bench.
my running back situation has been a nightmare this year. started with kevin smith being my number 2, and has become laughable with MJD being my number 1.
being in a 14 team league, my only chance on a weekly basis is to scour the waiver wire for anyone who can get me maybe 2 points. two weeks ago, i picked up isaac redman, figuring i would just hold on to him until he was healthy again. but with all of the reports going into this week saying he wasn’t likely to play, i went ahead and dropped him. for montario hardesty.*
it wasn’t until late in the game that i realized, oh man, redman is having a day. and i dropped him. only to realize at that very moment, he was started AGAINST me. i was watching at a friend’s house, and upon seeing the despair in my eyes, he knew he couldn’t hold back anymore. and showed me the message he sent to my opponent reading, “hey, you should really pick up isaac redman”.
so in the end, i started hardesty and dexter mccluster for a whopping zero combined points, while facing the 18 point performance that i dropped.
*i don’t even remember doing this. i’ve been hittin’ the sauce pretty good lately, and drunken lineup changes are the only logical explanation.
Because of Martin I’ll end up winning, unless Brees completely shits the bed tonight, however I also lost McFadden, Sproles, and Harvin indefinitely. A bittersweet (potential) victory.
I own Matt Ryan (twice) and Matt Stafford in three leagues. Combined for 630 yards and 0 touchdowns. Meanwhile every receiver I played against (Marshall, Decker twice, Cobb, Vincent Jackson) scored at least a TD. Awesome stuff.
I’m currently number 1 in the league standings, but I’m hitting the schnide. My team only had to be 59 points last week and I lost. This week I felt the wrath of Brandom Marshal and Eric Decker, so unless Breesus puts up 40 pts, I’m in a 3 way tie for 1st.
RB situation is fuckin awful in any league over 10 people.
14 team league here. My RBs….Martin, Rice and Ridley. Bring the hate.
For some reason no one in my fantasy leagues takes me seriously……
I love this comment too much.
My opposing line-up this week included Eric Decker, Doug Martin, Adrian Peterson and Brandon Marshall. The bitch of it, he benched Decker and Martin…and is still beating me by 35 with Colston left to play. Its like he tied his hands behind his back and kicked me in the face.
Want that t-shirt, but no chance of getting it this week b/c I went 4-0. I figure I might as well get my chance to brag in before it all comes crashing down. I have Doug Martin in two leagues. I have the Chicago Defense in the other two. Chris Johnson has miraculously turned his season around after having less than 5 points in 3 of the first 5 weeks. I get to choose between RG3 and Matt Ryan at QB in one of my leagues. Like I say, I know it’s all bound to turn to dust at some point. But I live to fight another week.
I am pretty sure Upstate Underdog’s mom has the nicest cans.
I won this week, but my team has 4 loses (in a very competitive league; I’m still a game behind the #1 team), and 3 of those loses would have been victories if I started the right guys. For example, I benched Reggie Wayne for Torrey Smith the day he tore up the Packers, and lost by less than 20 points. I hate being my own worst enemy.
In my main league I’ve got Doug Martin & Mikel Leshoure but I’m still going to lose. Why? Well, I’m up against a guy that has Palmer & Marshall, not to mention really good weeks from Forte, Decker & Matt Bryant. Meanwile, I got just 5 points from Jamaal Charles, 0 from TE (my Rudolph/Finley combo has been KILLING ME the past month). Oh, and I started Tony Romo instead of Andrew Luck at QB. FUCK.
Winning 148-144 right now but he’s still got Colston, Pierre Thomas & Brent Celek to play tonight. 3-6, here I come!
To anyone else in FantasyLand that started Eli Manning this week: I feel your pain
this week? his last 4 weeks, he’s combined for 33 points.
the 3 studs i drafted, MJD, andre johnson, and eli manning have all been underperforming jokes this year. 3-7.
I’m managing my wife’s office FF team, and it’s my first FF venture. If Brees does anything meaningful tonite, I’ll IMPROVE to 3-6 and no longer be in last place. How have I accomplished such lofty performance in my rookie season? By following the pick suggestions RIGHT HERE and instituting a new strict “Screw Tony Romo even if it is November” policy. If Breesus gets hurt, I’m starting myself over that dog Romo.
I’ll suffer my first loss of the year, and I’m laying the blame on Jamaal Charles (and DeMarco Murray’s injury). I even did the smart thing by benching Matt Ryan against Dallas for Jay Cutler against Tennessee (a move which worked brilliantly, by the way). But nobody besides Cutler and Mikel Leshoure scored double digits.
Let me approach this from a different angle: I lost to a team that started both James Casey and Dennis Pitta.
Yes, started BOTH. Casey as an RB2, no less.
When Brandon Marshall and the Chargers D combine for 59.5 points (.5 PPR, adjusted defense scoring), that’s the kind of thing that can happen. Oh, and when the RG3/Morris combo disappoint and Hakeem Nicks decides to catch one pass.
My silver lining? If Maclin can somehow score 28 points more than Ingram and Hartley combined tonight, I eek it out!
I got Run DMC :(
I was scrambling up to the last minute trying to figure which 2 to fill my flexes out of CJ vs. Chi, Maclin @ NO, Antonio Brown @ NYG, Rice vs. Min, and Titus Young @ Jac.
…and then BOOM, first team to break 200 points this year. I wish every week was like this.
Thought Jamaal Charles was going to be my stinker after Thursday’s pitiful performance. Turns out he was my highest producing RB after Morris and McFadden did even worse… also kept Leshore on my bench and lost my match up by 17 points. My team is a factory of sadness.
My opponent had Brady, Welker (flex somehow), and the Pats DST on bye (guess who this guy roots for). He subs in Carson Palmer and Mikel Leshoure, and even gets a TD from the Broncos DST. I get blown out of the water thanks to Stafford not throwing a single TD and Harvin finally proving he’s not a dynamic football robot.