Worst: Finally, The 47% Comment
“RED RULES!”
We’ve been waiting all month for Vince McMahon’s blatant response to the 2012 Presidential Election, and there it is. Kane should’ve just said “RED RULES! POLLING DATA IS MEANINGLESS! TRADITIONAL AMERICA IS DEAD, I’M MITT ROMNEY, BLEARGHHHH” as he walked off screen.
Of course, the segment gets a sentimental best for Daniel Bryan having “empirical polling data,” having accurate Bryan vs. Kane likability stats for every nation on Earth (not to mention an infographic set-up hooked to the backstage monitor) and saying that Kane would’ve polled well IN HELL~. He’s right: Hell is the WWE Universe, and Kane is extremely popular there.
Although … something seems a little fishy …
Something tells me this “wrestling” thing isn’t on the level. (via WWEDanielBryan)
Best: Daniel Bryan Versus Rey Mysterio
I have been waiting a long time for this match to happen. I wrote about it a little when Team Hell No took on Car Stereo, but Daniel “Bryan Danielson” Bryan has been my favorite wrestler for the past decade, and Rey Mysterio is on my shortlist for the objective greatest pro wrestler of all time. They need to have as long as they want to wrestle on a stage grand enough to appreciate them, but not so grand that they aren’t the most important people on the show. I’m thinking a really packed PWG show. Also, it would have to be 1998 Mysterio against 2005 Danielson. Or, I don’t know, current Daniel Bryan against any version of Mysterio that doesn’t wrestle in a shirt and have Sheamus’ pubes on his chin.
I’m giving it a “Best” because reasons, and a secondary Best? for being Daniel Bryan versus Rey Mysterio, yet being like the third best match on the show. How does that happen?
Oh, this could have something to do with it.
Worst: DO NOT CUT TO COMMERCIAL DURING THIS ARGH I SWEAR TO GOD
The two problems I could find with this match (besides the obvious, third problem of Daniel Bryan losing cleanly to a momentum-free kick around the ring post and a splash from a 170 pound guy) are:
1. Daniel Bryan setting up to do the Romero Special, then I guess remembering that Mysterio’s knees are made out of cardboard and scotch tape and doing something else.
2. The gigantic commercial break, right in the middle.
Cutting away from matches, especially in the modern era, can be a good thing. Modern audiences don’t necessarily want to watch the heat, which, if we’re being honest, is mostly for the people in the live crowd. If you can cut away right when the “boring” stuff starts happening and gets the crowd stomping and clapping and cheering for something exciting to happen, you can cut back right when the exciting stuff STARTS happening, and it’s instant at-home heat. The crowd’s going and people are running around and you’re all, “oh, I should pay attention to this”. Right?
The problem is that the best part of a Daniel Bryan match is the boring stuff. It always has been. He’s great in finishing sprints or whatever, but he’s top shelf when he’s just working an armbar or a wristlock, meticulously destroying it, simultaneously enrapturing and pissing off a crowd. He’s the guy who can respond to boring chants with an abdominal stretch, turn an airplane spin or a small package into a marketable, must-see moves in a promotion full of head-dropping or build insane heat for a guy based on a worked cut on the hand. That’s a spectacular, rare talent for a current WWE Superstar, and if I want to see ANY part of a Daniel Bryan match, it’s that part.
I guess the easier point to make here is, “I guess you guys couldn’t have cut away for commercial when AJ and Vickie were yelling at each other about who can get what man, huh?”
Worst: Tensai Stiffing The Shit Out Of Kofi Kingston, Then Losing To A Jumping Lay-Down
Check out where that kick landed, by the way.
I liked parts of this — Tensai seemed to have a sense of urgency going and looked like he actually bothered to scout Kofi’s moves before the match started — but yeah, I think Wade Barrett’s ugly jeans were the best part of the match. You know you’re in a bad place when a guy’s transitional moves are beating you outside of elimination tags.
Jack Swagger Of Mars
Chapter 6
Hellas stretched out for miles beneath Jack Swagger’s feet. The arrival platform for the Descent Shaft transport appeared to be made of a thick, translucent, green glass. Jack could make out the shapes of spires and buildings below. Above him stretched the towering structure that had brought him him, coated in the same thick glass, branching out into a spider’s web of tunnels and structures. He took a step forward, and felt as though he were walking up a hill. Hellas was the most fantastic place he’d ever seen, and remember, he’s probably seen Melina’s bikini line.
“Stay close to me,” urged Kaa’orri, sliding a heavy bag up onto her shoulder for stability. “We make the delivery, we get supplies, we get back up. And keep your feet on the ground.”
“Ith that like a metaphoooor, or…”
Kaa’orri rolled her eyes and turned away, stomping across the reflective floor to some unknown destination. Thinking to himself, Jack Swagger shrugged and took a small leap … and became stuck. He slowly began to rise into the air. His eyes bugged out, his mouth opened, his heart began to race. Just as quickly as she’d turned away, Kaa’orri turned back, grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back to the surface. When Jack’s feet touched the glass, he felt gravity return to him.
“We’re in the center of the planet. Gravity works differently here. If you stay on the floor, you’ll stay on the floor. That’s just how it works. See those huts up there?” She pointed upward, and Jack arched his back to see what appeared to be a thousand little enclaves, built in all directions along the endless walls of the city. “The floor keeps us anchored, no matter which way the world turns.”
“Thath pretty weird, Kaa’ORRI.”
“You’re in the center of Mars,” she barked dismissively. “Get used to the weird stuff.”
As she walked away, Jack Swagger admired her, totally misinterpreting “the weird stuff”. “Ith that where you live,” Jack asked, hurrying along behind her.
“No, that’s where the … how would you put it … fortunate people live. The … the delegates,” she gestured. “The royal family. People of import.”
“Oh,” Jack said, only half listening. “You live down THERE?”
Kaa’orri stopped suddenly, causing Jack to bump into her. She turned and addressed him firmly.
“Do you really need me to explain how the city of Hellas works? Why do you need to know? You’re going to be here for two hours, tops. Rich people up, poor people down.” She turned away and groaned, continuing her purposeful stomp. “It’s like you’ve never seen science fiction before. Don’t you have … classes, on Earth? Castes?”
Jack thought to himself for a moment.
“Tho… up ith John Cena, an’ down ith … Lord Tenthai.”
“I don’t know what any of those words mean.”
“Wull where are YOU from?”
Kaa’orri stopped again, letting the heavy bag drop to the glass surface with an echoing thud.
“I don’t live here. I’m from a surface settlement called Hale Crate. It’s … not much, but it’s where we all live. My family. My brother. It’s a mining town. See this?” She tapped her toe to the great surface platform of Hellas. “It starts off as this.” Kaa’orri reached into her delivery bag and pulled out a handful of small, red beads.
“The process turns it green. I don’t know. We can only mine a bag full of this at a time, so when we fill one up, I bring it down. I’m delivering this one to the King’s engineer. He’ll do whatever with it,” she said, dropping the beads back into the bag. “I really don’t know how it works, but without these, Hellas couldn’t exist. We’ve been doing it for …” she drifted off in thought. “Ten thousand years?”
“Thounds about right. I have no idea EITHER!” Jack smiled. Kaa’orri stared at him for a moment, then once again rolled her eyes, scooped up her bag and moved forward.
The twosome walked quietly through what appeared to be empty streets until they reached the front gates of a magnificent glass palace. It reached as high up as Jack could see, lit from the inside by an unknown source, revealing the fuzzy shapes of a thousand bodies within.
“You stand right here,” Kaa’orri ordered. “And don’t get into any trouble.”
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Liking the Mr. Show Reference
THESTINGER and some of the WRESTLING BROS will be at the Chikara show this Sunday in Philly. Ron Swanson, of making lots of funny jokes on here and making you people laugh fame, will also be there.
You should come out and get the Official Wrestling Bros High Five (it’s the only way to become an actual Wrestling Bro) and enjoy some awesome pro graps.
Yes, you should all absolutely do this. I seriously considered trying to go myself.
I shall also be there. I’ll more than likely be wearing the LOST-themed Chuck Taylor t-shirt, a “Da Bryce Is Right” pin and have a terrible spot because I’ll be showing up just as soon as the show begins.
Im debating on going to this now. Ill try and get one of my wrestling bros to come with as a ride from CT to Philly is terrible.
See if Greene wants to go, he lives in CT and has gone to Philly for pro graps plenty of times.
I have now decided to make this a priority under 2 conditions. Pro-graps buddy comes and more importantly, are we allowed to start an “X-Pac sucks!” chant during his match?
I’d just boo him. We cheered Mr. Touchdown over him pretty handily, got a great disappointed look on his face and made him apologize post-match.
That sort of negativity doesn’t fly too well at Chikara.
What does work is to just cheer his opponent. Unfortunately he’s not facing Mr Touchdown again, who seemed genuinely excited and happy we were cheering for him when he squashed Waltman, but instead the Young Bucks. I like the Young Bucks, Trios really made me come around to them, but I don’t want to be ROH Guy chanting for the Young Bucks, either.
So, I don’t know. Farts.
He was excited. He gave me a fist bump for it at the merch table, and I’m a NERD.
AND HE’S COMING FOR YOU (not like that).
Odds that there will be a CASEY chant in our living room if/when we see you in the background: 100%.
HE’S COMING FOR YOU (and it’s exactly like that).
WISH I COULD GO :(
I WILL GET A HIGH FIVE THOON
BlackTooth – I will also be coming from CT. I am more than willing to give you a ride if you are interested. I will be staying in Stamford. If you want a ride, shoot me an email at mikegermanovt@gmail.com
With the exception of some minor unpleasantness in Chicago, everyone should cheer Mr. Touchdown all the time.
I’m just sad Danielle and Madam Lobster can’t be there as well :’(
But neither can TSUBASA KURAGAKI, so there we are.
YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE TSUBASA KURAGAKI WILL BE, THESTINGER, YOU DON’T KNOW!
/fake climbs steel cage, scurries around on the floor
YOU DON’T KNOW!
Also, I fully expect my WRESTLING BRO HIGH FIVE to be earth shatteringly splendiferous.
I cheered Mr Touchdown and then he killed Sapphire… is it my fault?!
Also can Lobster and I be honorary Bros until we get our High Fives(TM) because we’ll be sad bunnies otherwise.
Sorry, but no. WRESTLING BROS has sacred rules that can’t be broken.
ALL OF MY CREYS. Lobster, we are forever ALONE!!!
BLAST! Sunday is moving day for me. =(
Stuck in Iowa, No wrestling or High Fives for me. Forever Alone In Corn.
Hurry on down here to Vegas, THESTINGER! I will high five the crap out of you!
RonSwanson you got mail! Lets do this! Do we all wear name tags with our withleather names on them? How does this work?
*presses hand against screen*
I don’t know if you can be a real Wrestling Bro until you’ve experienced Casey/THESTINGER running. Because it is a glorious thing, and the true reward of being a Bro of Wrestling. Brandon tried to compete, and he met with SHAME and INJURY.
I demand a recap or dramatic reenactment of this meetup at some point in the future.
We had a mini-WithLeather meet-up (two of us) for Cibernetico Rises in NYC. I heartily endorse everyone doing this everywhere. If I could make it work fiscally I’d make my way down Philadelphia way.
Dang, I don’t think I high fived fellow With Leather Universe Member JKoebs when we met up two weeks ago.
*Sends JKoebs an air five*
*Air fives back*
We totally shook hands though, that’s gotta kind of count.
this sounds like an amazing time. sadly, i have relocated to Kansas of all places.
You guys sold me on it. I’ve ordered a ticket and am looking forward to meeting other With Leather Daddies and doing wrestling bro high fives (and also seeing some awesome wrestling).
*reads Hornswoggle portion, tries pushing a thank card directly into the computer screen*
AJ Lee = Cena’s new spinner
Brandon, will you do a series of Jon Bois-ian “WRESTLE GUYS” where you go more in-depth about the different kind of “WRESTLE GUYS” there are, like “Awkward Hoss” and “Jump Man” ?
I really should.
I’m in favor of it. I’m in favor of pretty much anything that can be termed Jon Bois-ian (except not finishing post-apocalyptic stories)
Babyface Run in Guy and CAW Guy
I would like a Roman Reigns Cool Jacket badge… :-(
Me too, me too…
Jesus Christ, Josh Markovitz, you are the worst kind of person ever. EVER.
More like Josh Mark-o- Something that RHYMES WITH VITZ(CH)
These always come out just in time for me to read instead of preparing for my regular Tuesday stand-up sets. The Open Mic audience of New York City has got another week of free-form rambling ahead of them.
I’m so hyped Don Flamenco quit boxing and is a pro wrestler now.
Also, he should have did a run-in during Shield’s beatdown and asked if he could cut in
I was a big kid and was super tall when I was like 8 or 9. Because of that I always ended up feeling super clumsy and always feel like I’m holding back because I don’t want to hurt anyone when I do anything. Maybe Titus has the same thing? Big dude who was big as a kid and just tried not hurting anyone, so he’s way too self conscious about it as an adult that he can’t just throw people around like we want?
Also, Moxley is rad but he got better in NXT. Same with Tyler Black (Seth Rollins) who was the very image of the sort of ROH guy I hate while in ROH, but really came into his own on NXT.
Moxley’s promos also have a sense of urgency and reality to them that Kingston simply lacks. I believe Ambrose came from a trailer park and is slightly insane from trying to escape from perpetual poverty, so he constantly feels the need to fight for it. He comes off as frayed and raw and it works really well. I totally buy it, at least, and don’t think it’s as easy to convey as @MrBrandonStroud thinks.
Is the Kingston you refer to here Eddie or Kofi?
Sal, Sal Kingston.
What I like about Kingston is that he’s settled into the reality of pro wrestling. It’s his job. He’s this tortured guy in his personal life, and it just leaks out into his job issues. Moxley creates a different reality where wrestling is real life, and I think King’s better at accepting OUR reality and working within it.
I agree that all of these guys got better in NXT, though. It even helped Claudio, who was fine already.
Maybe he maimed a dude while playing the ol’ footballs game at Florida and is afraid to UNLEASH HIS TRUE POTENTIAL!
I meant to say I was talking about Titus, there. I’m a dumb
I typed that comment before I got to page 3 of the article, I feel silly now.
Roman Reigns Cool Jacket badge please.
“I was going to call them ’24,’ but this is the less enjoyable, cable television equivalent.”
1. Fuck you.
2. The Shield was a Goddamned masterpiece and wasn’t remotely similiar to 24.
maybe the next stable we start can be called Nip/Tuck, and we can pretend it’s great too
The Shield meandered for a little bit in the middle seasons, but holy fuck it was great. I can’t name another show that landed its ending as strongly as The Shield did.
The Shield is a little bit like that Spartacus show, very very good but also really trashy so it’s easy to not realize you’re watching legitimately great television.
You’re talking out of your ass, Brandon. The Shield was never like 24 and is one of the most respected dramas in the history of the fucking medium (as any show that features Walton Goggins should be).
I don’t purposefully troll you guys a lot, but when I do, oh man
Agree with THESTINGER in that the Shield possibly had the best ending for any show of its kind. It was both unpredictable and completely made sense (at least, imo).
Stroudi-trolled!!!!
We need more TV show named Stables: “Here come the Workaholics to ring for their tag team match with Downton Abbey”
“Brandon Strolled”?
Shit got serious real quick. HUG IT OUT YOU GUYS!
The Shield was to the Wire as Sons of Anarchy was to Breaking Bad.
The Shield was good, but a masterpiece? I loved the ending and everything and it’s probably in the top ten dramas of the decade but let’s be real.
I thought of it more as The S.H.I.E.L.D. and soon they will have Titus with an eye patch and goatee as their manager.
I don’t really see what The Shield and The Wire have in common other than cops.
The Shield is more a Sopranos rip off than anything.
Same with Breaking Bad and Sons which aren’t alike at all.
I still want The Shield and 3MB to have Freebird matches every week until the end of the year. Then they can bring back Carlito to join his relatives and BOOM – mini Attitude-era factions, especially if Mark Henry joins Kofi and R-Truth.
The SHIELD vs 3MB should really be the main event of TLC.
I thought that guy’s sign in the front row said “Eve I wan’t The McRib Back”, I was wondering if he know something regarding Eve’s relationship with Johnny McDonalds that we didn’t.
Brandon, where are these references to Disney Junior shows coming from? Am I the weird one for not knowing what Handy Manny is? Why is this bothering me?
I have a 4 year old, so I’m always going to win the toddler-demographic pop culture reference wars.
Next time they’re on tv, I’m going to unleash a bevy of 3MB/The Fresh Beat Band zingers.
I have Handy Manny’s autograph hanging on my wall. No joke. Destiny loves it.
That is the most awesome thing ever.
I assumed a “Handy Manny” was something sexual. My bad.
/has no kids
// was going to Google image it
/// still might
Daniel “Bryan Danielson” Daniel
Helluva name
man, the Hulu version is so much more enjoyable. cuts out a lot of crap (and the occasional gem of a match) but this week’s edition kept the good stuff.
Also, I can’t reconcile my hate for Sheamus with the fact he’s having some kick-ass matches
I’m going to picture it as this: Sheamus, the character, is living out a wrestling version of the movie Big. He is a giant, ass-kicking Irishman with the soul of an 8 year old boy, which explains his sense of humor, poor sportsmanship, manners, hatred of pants, etc.
I look forward to Sheamus matches more than matches with anyone else (unless Bray Wyatt debuts!), so I just kind of tune out all the talking-Sheamus bullshit.
@shabbydude – that theory was expressed in a Best and Worst column a while back.
Stop having my good ideas before I do.
The best thing they could possibly do is switch Show and Sheamus. Show as the hard-working champion finally making his dreams come true, Sheamus as the silent monster. Kinda like a hoss Michaels/Hart.
That show illustrated as much as anything I can remember why the problem with WWE is not the wrestlers. Great matches that ultimately accomplished nothing else because the endings were hot garbage. Why Ziggler couldn’t cheat to win or get DQed in that spot will never, ever make sense to me.
Here’s the pattern:
1. Someone with a weird gimmick debuts. Brandon and many others immediately love him because, hey, weird gimmicks are fun.
2. The person with the weird gimmick wins a few matches. Brandon and many others are happy.
3. WWE Creative gets bored with the weird gimmick person, doesn’t feel like doing anything with it.
4. Person with weird gimmick stagnates. Brandon and many others start to turn on the staleness.
5. Person with weird gimmick jobs to Kofi Kingston.
6. New person with weird gimmick debuts.
Problem is #3. Creative is so lazy at this point that when “Somebody Call My Momma” plays for the first time, the character is as developed as it’s going to get because, hey, we need time to sell sock puppets.
Yeah, if we could skip #3, we wouldn’t have to keep going in circles with everybody.
The problem isn’t really that Creative gets bored– the problem starts earlier. It’s that Creative thinks wrestling– in 2012– needs dancing dinosaurs, wrestlers that moonlight as ballroom dancers, or what the fuck ever.
Somehow, Creative thinks Duke “The Dumpster” Drose (sp?) and the ‘American Blueblood’ version of Triple H were the most ‘over’ wrestlers ever, and that we need more wacky characters.
I think wrestling DOES need those things, it just also needs effort put into them on a consistent basis, and for writers to do more than create them and abandon them to the ether. Continuity and engaging stories by creative people who are trying hard can help even things like dancing dinosaurs work in a lasting way.
One of the most popular characters in the history of the company started out as a pretend zombie. He was later a vaguely non-zombie, then a biker, then a Booger Red, then a vague non-zombie again. He was pretty good the whole time. All of these characters a starting point, and it can most certainly develop from there if the effort is there.
Without a gimmick, it’s much harder to get invested in someone new. You’d end up with all the guys being the same, much like MMA fighters. How many athletic guys from blue-collar backgrounds trying to reach the top do you need? Especially since wrestling doesn’t have the fallback of real violence and competition to fall back on.
“The problem isn’t really that Creative gets bored– the problem starts earlier. It’s that Creative thinks wrestling– in 2012– needs dancing dinosaurs, wrestlers that moonlight as ballroom dancers, or what the fuck ever.”
That is not the problem. Chikara does crazier stuff, but they also realize that a wrestler doesn’t begin and end with their gimmick. The gimmick needs to be a hook to something more, not an end unto itself.
@Pencil-Necked Geek – I’m kind of with you, but I think there needs to be something to discern the various wrestle mans, otherwise you’ve got an e-fed full of Daveys Richard being TOUGH AND AWESOME AND RARGH I’M GONNA KICK YOU AND YOU’RE GONNA KICK ME AND WE’LL DO THAT FOREVER!
Obviously, I’m exaggerating, but I don’t see anything wrong with giving the wrestlers some extra flavor.
I accidentally so many words there.
Plus, Shabbydude is right: without fun gimmicks all you have is 2012 ROH and on one wants that. Or you might want that, farts.
aw, man, we all jumped on the former Guitarzan guy again :( SORRY BRO
Continued effort is certainly important, no matter what. I’m just of the opinion that for every Waylon Mercy (or Bray Wyatt), which had (has) potential to be awesome if done right, there’s six Max Moons that could never possibly go anywhere other than selling action figures to the kids.
…Which I realize is also important, but let’s keep those guys on Saturday Morning Slam.
It’s important to remember that Bray Wyatt’s gimmick makes just as much sense for a pro wrestler as Max Moon’s.
I admit I haven’t *seen* Wyatt in person or on TV, but unless he wears a jet pack and comes from outer space, I have to disagree.
Bray Wyatt and Dean Ambrose and other characters work really well because there’s an emotional core to them that resonates, but it still makes no fucking sense that they act and treat their wrestling world as the only world that exists and matters.
Like, I totally get that Ultramantis Black wants to conquer the world (and I’d welcome it!) but doing it through wrestling in Chikara is probably not the best way to go about doing that. But I don’t care, I like it that wrestling works as its own independent world that adheres to its own logic and history.
There’s a difference in what’s cool or stupid to adults and what does or doesn’t make sense for a pro wrestler. Almost no wrestling gimmicks make sense, because if you have an occupation or whatever, why are you also a wrestler? If you’ve got issues and objectives that doesn’t involve winning wrestling matches, why are you doing what you’re doing?
If you only have guys who make sense for wrestling, you get 2012 Ring Of Honor, which is not very entertaining. If you have too many cartoony guys, you get Chikara, which is CRAZY entertaining to people like me, but hard to get into for casual wrestling types. The trick (I think, and I can’t verify that I’m right) is a mixture of the two. If you get a bunch of crazy guys who work, that’s great. But for every Funkasaurus they’re making, they’re also making a Sandow or a Cesaro. That’s a good direction.
Actually, never mind whether either of them make sense. That’s not really the point. But crazy cult leader or whatever is *slightly* more believable than moon man. It’s up to Creative to explain why he became a wrestler. (Or not bother with it at all, I guess.)
And 85′s point about the Undertaker is a good one– a stupid character *can* succeed. But… I don’t know. This isn’t 1990, I guess is what I’m saying.
…Also, I need to type faster.
Since you mention Sandow and Cesaro, here’s the difference I see: it’s a *personality* vs. a *gimmick.* Sandow isn’t a professor, or a mutant who got super-smart due to exposure to radiation, or something. He’s just really smart, and he’s an asshole about. I’m all for having a bunch of characters with outlandish personalities. It’s a fine line, I know. And it’s not like it’s an easy task to come up with something for everyone.
The step you missed is “wrestler fails to take ‘weird gimmick’ and incorporate it into their personality so that wrestler becomes ‘person with compelling and distinctive character traits’ instead of ‘fake wrestler with weird gimmick’. The guys who have succeeded with a “weird gimmick” (Taker, Foley, Kane, to a lesser extent Bryan) have done it that way.
“Creative” certainly has a share in the blame – there’s absolutely no excuse for the fact that Brodus didn’t come out the week after Show roughed him up a few months ago and remind everybody that yeah, he’s a Funky Dancing Dinosaur, but he’s also a guy who used to beat people up professionally for Snoop Dogg and laid Show out. But the wrestlers play a part in this too. As much as I can’t stand their constant condescension and deep dedication to the lowest common denominator, not everything is “Creative”‘s fault.
I don’t even know that they need to explain why a character became a wrestler. I think it’s up to Creative to show that the dancing dinosaur isn’t a dancing dinosaur at the expense of wanting to succeed at wrestling. Like, if he’s perfectly cool with losing to a different guy each week, and comes out exactly the same the next week, never seeks revenge, never seems angry the next time, no one gives a shit. That’s what they’ve been doing over and over (Clay, Tensai, Ryder, Otunga, Swagger, etc.)
Also, I’m not conceding that a spaceman gimmick can’t work because, well, we’re kinda invested in that idea here these days.
You guys all know that Brodus Clay (the wrestler, in kayfabe) isn’t an actual dinosaur, right? Right?
I just thought he was a happy guy who liked to dance and beat up dudes, because he was huge and could get paid money to do it. That they never did anything with that was the problem, not the core character quirks.
By the way, this is what happened to me with Brodus Clay. It is also my prediction for what happens to Fandango.
Whether it’s Creative’s or a wrestler’s fault is beside the point. It’s a pattern that keeps happening.
I’ll repeat myself ad-infinitum about this, but:
I think the ‘E would be greatly served to lay down some rules, have some ‘seasons,’ and end each ‘season’ in a specialized tournament for belt. Everyone not in the tournament can be part of the TLC, Ladder Match, Survivor Serious business.
By having a strong structure to rely on, the individual characters can be the randomness. Having the rules be slapdash and non-sensical just hurts everybody. Having the structure gives the mid-card something to do, gives an automatic sense of drama (Holy shit, Cesaro has smoked progressively stronger people, he might just be able to take out CENA now?!), and makes rivalries happen without forcing it.
Sure, you still have room on the card for “grudge matches” (because there are multiple belts, you can be out of the hunt for the WWE/HWGT belt, but then be ready for the US/IC belt).
::sigh:: It’s just always going to be 100 minutes of talking and random shit, isn’t it?
@JSF: The big difference between Fandango and Funkasaurus, though, is that Johnny Curtis is being introduced to us through his words. We have a sense of the character he’s going to be, and if his ring work matches how he’s being introduced, then he’ll be totally fine. Brodus Clay, meanwhile, was hyped as the Existential Health Crisis, tweeted about it too early, and then appeared fully formed as a Dancing Dinosaur from Planet Funk. And while that was initially cool because it was completely unexpected, you can tell that even Brodus stopped believing it; he stopped asking if he should GET HEEEEEEM, his funk-claws look completely half-assed now, and I have a feeling we’re mere moments from a John Tenta/Dustin Rhodes style “THIS IS A STUPID FUCKING GIMMICK” promo.
So i missed out on the live thread last night. Sustainable sushi, cigars/scotch and then grass fed burgers were the afternoon and evening entertainment. Hopefully this thread will take some of that sting out.
Great write up as always.
If we’ve got “The Shield”, shouldn’t Fandango form a stable called “Glee”?
This column was better than that joke, by the way, nice work.
only if I’m allowed to book it
(Rosa Mendes is so talented but she’s got a weird nose, so the popular girls hate her! Who would ever want to kiss her?)
If Rosa is Santana in the “Glee” stable, I will gladly be her Brittany S Pearce. I will have all the best one-liners and I can make CHIKARA Homecoming have a dinosaur theme. “Sour Patch Kids are just Gummy Bears that turned to drugs.”
I’m very mad at myself for understanding every part of BookSavvy’s reference.
I got that Roman Reigns jacket at SR 47, still sticking to scout armor though
Dammit! I also understood this reference.
Sons Of Bossman……or, if you want to make a shoutout to the Tampa Bay Rays, Bossmen Junior
If the RED RULES was a tribute to Romney, I feel like Wade’s jeans were a tribute to Paul Ryan’s “No, really, I’m cool and hip! I listen to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and know what an iPod is CHECK OUT MY ABS.”
Because no, Wade. No.
I just Wade’s jeans were a tribute to all the ladies out there.
*just thought, bad at click clacking keyboarding.
So did Wade. Wade was wrong.
Very, very wrong.
I wish I had seen these jeans everyone speaks of. Is it as bad as 40-year-old rock stars still wearing chain wallets?
[i45.tinypic.com]
They’re a lot worse in motion, but you’d have to sit through a Tensai/Kofi match.
#wadejeans
Jeez, maybe Randy Orton was onto something.
Haha oh my god, it’s like he rolled around in dust and hasn’t gotten all of it off yet.
I know he can’t exactly come out in a suit, because BARE KNUCKS and such, but there had to be a better pair of jeans floating around.
I like to think they’re dusty because they pulled them out of a John Morrison discard box they found somewhere at WWE headquarters, along with Shelton Benjamin’s mom and Josh Matthew’s Tough Enough ball-chain necklace.
I thought Wade’s pants worked. I mean, my lady parts were tingling.
Oh shit, wait…I’m a guy!
@Danielle: I know he’s got a shirt to sell now, but would it be so bad for him to wear out the suit jacket with the rose in it like he used to? Would still fit with his “new” Bareknuckle Badass Wade.
Leave roddy out of this, dude is nowhere near as bad as tyler black.
unless you give both of them mics…
Roderick Strong, to me, is basically the worst possible wrestler. I know I’m in a minority on that, but oh man, I could write a book about it.
I can not remember a single thing Roderick Strong has said or wrestled, and I know I’ve seen him do both numerous times. So, yeah. Good > Bad > Forgettable
The only good thing he ever did was that series with Danielson that culminated in him tapping out in like minute 56 of a match everyone thought was going to a draw. And that was only 5% him.
For the record, I would read this anti-Roderick Strong book. Pretty much the only response I’ve ever had to Strong was “Eh…” I could never bring myself to give a shit about him one way or the other. I’d love to hear why he’s such a hated figure in your life though.
He is legit like my top 5 favorite wrestlers around.
I’ve never seen him have a bad match in PWG, except for that time amazing red sucked total ass and apologized to us in the crowd.
I saw ROH in Greensboro June 2011, where they had that 2 hour elimination tag match. About an hour of it ended up being Roderick Strong against El Generico and Eddy Edwards, but I thought it was pretty good. That was my first exposure to ROH though, so I don’t have much to base it on. I do remember Strong kicking Edwards in the head about 20 times in a row.
The worst part about the RAWactive thing is @WWEUniverse tweeting back to Bryan all, “We counted the votes again and it’s still 59% Kane!” I don’t know. That just really bothered me.
I missed almost all of RAW last night and the thread so I was sad but now I am happy because this B&WoR was full of awesome and JACK THWAGGER. I think we need to create a Fanfiction account to share this love… READ RATE REVIEW KAITHNX!
AGREED
Brandon, you mention that you expect Punk to drop the title to The Rock in January but I’m curious how you see that working. Not the specifics of the match, of course. Just, like, how the WWE could / would put the title on someone who won’t be around to make appearances, cut promos or defend the belt for the next three months or whatever. I wouldn’t put it past WWE to do that very thing, though.
Does Rock beating Punk leads to a Rock vs. ‘Taker match at Wreslemania?
I sort of daydreamed about Punk holding the belt until he faces Undertaker at Wrestlemania in a Title vs. Streak match where Punk and ‘Taker put on an epic match, Punk loses, Undertaker retires as the champ (the send-off he deserves) and the match is so amazing that Punk is according the respect that he deserves.
Either the Rock is going to do a 2.5 month stint as a regular, or we’ll get him losing to Punk via Shield, then being a surprise entrant in the Rumble and winning it.
Because in WWE terms, The Rock > anybody they have currently employed, he wants the title, and they’ll do anything they can to keep him showing up. I certainly don’t think it’s a good idea.
I hear you. In terms of merch sales, he probably does rank up there. I mean, he’s easily the biggest mainstream draw that’s ever come out of pro wrestling. But do you think he cares if he’s WWE champion now? I mean, it doesn’t seem like his being champion would have any impact on his ability to get movie scripts put in front of him. And, really, that’s where he’s making his money these days.
I totally see how WWE would want him showing up but…ugh…I don’t know…I guess I’m just trying to talk WWE out of by rambling here.
Who would Rock lose the title to though? The very obvious pick is Cena, but if Trips doesn’t end up getting his win back against Bork at WM (pfft) I think Lesnar would be a good shout. I feel like Brock’s more likely to get beaten by anyone as well.
Have the Rock lose to Daniel Bryan. Kane helps him out because he’s still bitter over what happened to him in the Corporation all of those years ago.
If Rock wins the Title, and I’m not %100 convinced that’s what will happen, watch him be allowed to retire as reigning champ on the following RAW or some bullshit. Then maybe we’ll get a new belt.
If the main event of Wrestlemania isn’t Rock as champ vs. Cena with Cena winning the title, I’ll eat my hat. Because, unless John Cena really is the most selfless, humble, yes-man that’s ever been the top guy, there is no way he lets a part-time guy beat him twice in a row.
And I’m confident that Cena-Rock II is going to be the main event because last year’s Mania was was the most profitable ever (or something) and so they’ll beat that horse dead this year for fun and profit.
Good point Mant, for whatever reason my mind blanks when I think of two straight months of Cena/Rock promos leading up to WM. Man that’s gonna be rough.
Only tangentially related: last night I went looking for NXT stuff to prep myself for Johnny Curtis/Fandango, and I ended up watching a bunch of season 4 shenanigans with Daniel Bryan/Derrick Bateman, and oh my God, NXT really is the best possible wrestling show.
NXT has been the best weekly wrestling show for like 3 years now.
I used to watch it some time after Wrestlemania, but I got lazy. I’ll have to make it a point to do it again.
I’ll watch it if I happened to catch it. There’s less boring promos being cut than RAW, that’s for sure. But there are more guys who aren’t really ready for prime-time, too. I know, I know, it’s developmental so that’s to be expected. I’m just sayin’.
NXT is the very best and I love that you’re back into it.
NXT gets all of the bests, but I have a soft spot for the NeverEnding Season. Whenever I’m in a crappy mood, I watch any “Striker is kidnapped!” segment and where Titus & Darren give Tamina a coconut tree or want to take her to Mcdonalds because it brings a smile to my face. In fact, I think I need to go watch some of that on my break today.
“The shorter point here is “f**k you, Hornswoggle”.”
Tee hee. Is it bad that that’s what stood out most from the Hornswoggle paragraph? I guess you make the point about misogyny so damn much that I start to gloss over it and focus on possibly unintentional midget jokes.
Not that you should ever not point it out, mind you. If it’s there, it needs to be brought up as a negative every time until it sinks it. I just wish you didn’t HAVE to do it every week. It’s a sadly regular worst right up there with “CM Punk not being up at his potential” and “Mason Ryan (period)”
“Before he debuts, I’d like to formally request that Fandango’s debut revolve around him trying to get a spot in Rhodes Scholar. Cody would love him (obviously), but Damien Sandow should NEVER EVER ACCEPT HIM, because he’s smart, sure, but his hobbies are balderdash.”
Sheamus will make his way to the ring, and then we cut to Damien Sandow waiting for his music to start. Right before it starts, Fandango taps Sandow on the shoulder. Sandow turns around looking really confused. Fandango says: “Mind if I…CUT IN!?”, then spins Damien Sandow out of the way, replaces Damien Sandow as Sheamus’ opponent, then proceeds to absolutely dominate Sheamus! Fandango pins Sheamus & Sandow looks on in disbelief. Cody yells out “PLUS RHODES TO THAT GUY!”
I’m sad now ’cause this won’t happen.
I imagine a Fandango/Rhodes dance would just be Fandango dancing around Rhodes, while Cody occasionally cocks his head to wherever Fandango is at the time.
Recently, Sheamus vs. Cesaro has been my legit dream match, and yesterday did nothing to extinguish my desire to see them hoss it up for half an hour. I so very much loved AC creating his own, better looking, versions of White Noise and the Dumb Punch in the Ropes that Should Earn a DQ, and anytime Sheamus does his sweet haul up into the top rope from a sitting position, the match gets 1.3 times better (1.5 times in Micheal Cole math)
I also just realized that like, 5 of my favourite 10 matches this year feature Sheamus. He would seriously be one of my favourites on the roster if he never talked.
Yep. Sheamus is the Kanye West of the WWE: I love their wrestlings / music making but hate everything else.
Roderick Strong’s thing is that RoH didn’t know what to do with him. Like at all. He was a cool moves guy who hit guys with 8 million backbreakers from 50 thousand positions and liked to throw Jack Evans at people. He just didn’t have a personality and then they tried to turn him heel despite the fact that he lacked personality.
And then they couldn’t stop booking him because he was literally too bland to be stolen.
In contrast, Tyler Back got the Indie John Cena push Davey Richards got: He was boring as fuck, couldn’t talk but he had an inexplicable standom that because destroyed the title picture that probably will never recover. Moxley is basically getting hyped because he can talk kinda but not really because almost no one on the indies can do good promos. And he always looks like he just got out of the shower.
But yeah, Rod Strong kinda sucks.
How does Tamina’s crazy misogynist reasons for attacking AJ not get a worst
Because she’s a heel? If she was talking about women empowerment she’d probably get cheered?
Excellent report, and I’m glad I was able to troll the live thread last night even though I was at work while all the east coasters were watching the show. Random thoughts as I was watching the delayed version (AKA PST broadcast), interspersed with my reaction to the B/W.
So I’m not that familiar with South/Central American Spanish (I grew up in the most Irish white part of West Virginia and seriously don’t remember even seeing any sort of a minority until I was seven or so and went into the city to shop at Hills which is a story for a different time), but —via my wife— I DO know that there is a lot of crossover between Spanish and Tagalog. So I’m assuming that Rosa wouldn’t have even needed the “pequeno” in “pequeno duende” because duendes are, by definition, tiny. Can someone who legit speaks Spanish confirm/deny?
I’m holding out for AJ to get out of the “scandal” storyline and back into the ring. I wish WWE would catch up to Shimmer and similar outfits. Maybe have women’s wrestling be more than throwaway matches and give them legit length and high spots? I know, I know, I’m speaking blashphemy, but I prefer women’s wrestling over men’s wrestling (because I like strong women, not because I like TnA) and think Kaitlyn is the hottest thing in the ring (sorry, Alex*) and I want to see more of her IN THE RING. (though admittedly, I would gladly go out to dinner with her, should the opportunity arise).
“Sons of Bossman” would be pretty frickin’ sweet.
My wife saw footage of Cena kissing AJ and says, “He’s married?!?!?”
I replied “No, he just got divorced, apparently”
Her response: “Well I can see why.”
When I saw the promo for cheap shirts I was super excited about getting Ziggler’s new shirt… We rushed to our computers to see the INSANE DEALZ… but then we realized that “extreme savings” in the WWE universe means $5 off.
Proud Papa moment: Any time my son sees Daniel Bryan on the TV, he instantly yells “NO NO NO!” Also, if I say “No No No” he’ll say “yes yes yes” and vice versa. It’s a great party trick.
Not So Proud Papa Moment: My son loves the eff out of Sheamus. And screams like a two year old whenever Cena hits the ramp.
“pequeño duende” is basically saying “little elf” so…I don’t know, in my book it’s ok…though I should probably point out that my spanish is not all that much better than Rosa’s, should have watched less Sesame Street and more Plaza Sesamo.
I love that you felt the need to apologize for not labeling Eve as the hottest thing in the ring. I forgive you, for your wrong thoughts ;-)
I also hope to have Proud Papa moments in the not so distant future. I’m thinking of getting some flash cards of the current roster with either a YES or a NO in bold letters right under their pic. I think it will help get him on the right track as a pro-graps fan.
EX: John Cena, NO!
Daniel Bryan YES!
Eve Torres: YES! YES! YES!
Alex*, I’m going to have to disagree with you. When you hold up the picture of Eve Torres, little Alex* Jr is going to say MAMA! because dammit, you two crazy kids are destined for each other!
HAHAHA! You’re the best, chudley.
I think we can close the book on AJ. I realize that not many people like MLP:FiM so I will put this “Weekly letter of what I learned from this episode” in a format that everyone can understand.
Dear Damien Sandow,
Tonight I learned that sometimes people change even though you don’t want them to. Someone that was nice and awesome before can evolve into something you don’t like. While its sad when friendship dies, it doesn’t take away from the good times we had with this person. And even though the sight of this person makes me throw up in the mouth a little, I should still cherish what we had before she turned into a giant horseapple.
Your Faithful Student,
Redshirt Horowitz
Please do this every week! :D
I don’t know if someone’s already beat me to this but, CM Punk, Kane, Daniel Bryan, John Cena= PG era eskimo brothers?
I just discovered that Damien Sandow and I share the same first name. Should I include that in my resume or should I change it so I don’t bring down Sandow’s good name?
His first name is really redshirt?
Mind. Blown.
I think you’re correct regarding Ambrose’s hair pulling, pacing, delivery but, I’d say the verbal content of his promos is above average, imagination-wise, and that’s what people repsond to. Imagination.
Rosa Mendes is going to be El Generico’s manager when he is hired next week and immediately brought to RAW. Right? Right? RIGHT?!?!?!
And he’ll lose every match because they won’t be able to understand anything the other is saying?
Good to see love for Mysterio in the column – he’s been hurt or in tag matches for almost the entire time the column has been running.
I have to say, when Mysterio was in his prime and losing title matches to guys like Brock and Angle, I liked him even more than The Guy We Can’t Talk About Anymore. When he first came into the WWE, the 619 was no joke: he whipped through those ropes like he was shot out of a gun. He defines high-flier wrestling for me.
The high point of my Mysterio fandom was when he was beating Bam Bam Bigelow in WCW. I loved him back then.
wtf. the shield was freakin awesome
So awesome, any character vic mackey has done since then was ruined for me because he’s always going to be vic mackey
Like Peggy Bundy in all those other shows she was in the past 15 years
I mentioned last week after watching a few Ambrose promos that the pg era was gonna neuter him. He can’t pull off the full fleged feel of his persona otherwise.
I’d like to give a minor best to CM Punk for taking one look at Ryback and then hurdling the barricade like he was the Cowardly Lion running away from the Wizard of Oz. He might have phoned in his match but that part made me laugh.
Punk’s magical escape and D-Bry’s attempt to save his bff Kane from SHIELD totally warmed the cockles of my heart
Mine too
[www.lordsofpain.net]
The WWE Studios DVD/Blu-Ray film, “Leprechaun: Origins” starring Hornswoggle is currently scheduled for a March 2013 release.
Good to know :thumbup:
If Natalya’s DLC, does that mean they’re going to restore her to her glory? Because oh man, would I love to see a few extended Kaitlyn/Natty/Eve triple threats.
Ok wow…I’ve been open-minded to Kofi for awhile but missed that match last night. Mind closed. A strafe kick to the back of the head and then an abrupt Tensai loss? Omfgsmhfmlwtf.
I might be reading to much into it, but to me it seems like AJ is more infatuated with Cena than he is in her. Vickie might have a point: The smart ones get out before it’s to late (CM Punk, Kane). After all not only did she cost Daniel Bryan his WHC-title (sort of), she also caused him a mental breakdown. I would not be surprised if she costs Cena an important match in the not too distant future. A true storm crow, nigh on irresistable at first, but always bad news in the long run.
Why does everyone hate Tyler Black? I saw his last match on ROH and a couple of Matches in NXT and thought he was money in the ring.
I liked him. But I’m part ROH-bot, I also love Davey Richards (as an ROH wrestler, don’t think he’d make it in the WWE or TNA) but don’t care for Kevin Steen.
I like Kofi’s shirt. There. I said it.
Also, before Sheamus/Cesaro, I prayed that AC would just uppercut him into oblivion.
Thanks, God.
Bray Wyatt.. soon.
Roman Reigns will be the most pushed member of THE SHIELD .
Because
a) He’s big
b) He’s Samoan
Watch it. Ambrose and Rollins will be a tag team in a month or two time, and Reigns will be challenging people like Randy No-Pants and My Boy D Bry Right There
Legacy didn’t turn out that way though!
I wish the WWE would do more time-limit draws instead of DQs. I remember going to an ROH show in ’09 where Daniel Bryan Danielson wrestled Tyler Black to a fifteen minute draw and it got Black over huge with the crowd because it showed he could hang. It’s a great way to get an up-and-comer over without resorting to a stupid finish.
Yeah, but that means that Justin Roberts has to talk longer, leading to more hilarious JERRRRRN-isms.
BONESAWWWSS READY!
The Best of The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/26/12: Happy To Live In A Blue State: The Jack Swagger of Mars Royal Rumble Poster
I enjoyed this immensely.
Yo Brandon, we need a gif of the ridiculous uppercut claudio hit on zack ryder on “Main event”