Best: Big Show Is The Best At Purposeful Guest Commentary

Sincerity and the ability to show ass (figuratively) are two things I love in a pro wrestler. I like a guy who sounds like he means what he says, and I like a guy who isn’t afraid to look like a jerk or get the shit beaten out of him from time to time.

Right now, Big Show is the best exemplification of those things. Listen to him on commentary during the Sheamus/Miz match. He’s confident, sure. He knocked out Sheamus and won the World Heavyweight Championship. But listen to what else he’s saying — he’s complimenting Sheamus for having a jaw like stone or whatever and gets really bent out of shape STILL when he thinks somebody’s about to bring up his 45 second title run. He says that he’d love to see Sheamus lose to Miz because he’d be “destroyed,” but clams up when Sheamus starts to roll, and gets visibly upset when Miz doesn’t pull it off. He’s a successful champion who won clean but still doubts himself. That’s AWESOME. That’s a human emotion. He can’t shake the challenge of this pissed off kicking Irish guy who almost knocked him out. He knows he can beat him, because hell, he just did, but he doesn’t know if he can do it again. This is the heel. Sheamus isn’t saying or doing anything stupid, he’s just kicking off people’s heads and getting ready for another fight, because sure, he lost, but he’s not going to lose again. That’s the best.

In a related note, I really want Miz and Sheamus to form a tag team just so I can call them “Sheamiz”.

Worst: CM Punk’s Wah-Wah Delivery Of Everything

The opposite of Vickie Guerrero’s wacky delivery was Punk’s. I don’t know what was going on with Punk backstage. Clearly he didn’t want to do it, and it’s not a shock to think he’d be the guy most against Listening To People On The Internet, but his exaggerated fist-bite when he found out Team Punk had become Team Ziggler was terrible. Equally terrible is the idea that the guy who told Vince McMahon that he didn’t know or care what his audience wanted to his FACE, just last year, would be too nervous to walk into an office and confront him. What’s the worst that could happen? He puts you in another math with John Cena? Already there.

If I was put in charge of WWE (and I will be at some point during the next three weeks, I can only imagine), the first thing I’d do is establish a consistency in cowardice. A guy can’t be a situational coward unless it makes sense. If Punk isn’t afraid to stand up to Vince when the stakes are super high (i.e. winning the WWE Championship on your last day in the company), he shouldn’t be afraid to stand up to Vince when they’re at their lowest (i.e. “Vince doesn’t want you to be a part of a week-old challenge from a retired legend you don’t respect or want to face, and you were facing Ryback in one form or another already anyway”). Actually, the first thing I’d do is shit-can Kofi Kingston, but the cowardice consistency thing would be second.

Worst: Kofi Kingston’s Rana

This match contained three things I hate:

1. Alberto Del Rio losing.

2. That wretched thing where somebody’s music plays and a guy in the ring gets distracted long enough for his opponent to roll him up and pin him. These usually happen in pairs.

3. Kof Kingston

And more specifically 3a. Kofi Kingston’s hurricanrana, where he jumps and sits on a guy’s shoulders and just falls backwards, not making any effort to close his legs whatsoever, relying on his opponent’s hand placement on his legs to create enough momentum to make the guy flip over like he’d been rana’d.

Seriously, if you are a pro wrestler and you do a hurricanrana, close the goddamned window. It’s just like a chinlock. If you hold a chinlock and the bend of your arm is a foot below the guy’s chin, nobody’s going to buy that you’re hurting him. If you’re a jumpy guy and you do ranas, remember that the idea behind a rana is that you’re grabbing the guy’s head with your legs and using the downswing of your body weight to flip him over. If you aren’t GRABBING HIS HEAD WITH YOUR LEGS, what do you think is taking him over? Your ruthless aggression? A controlled frenzy?

This isn’t just a Kofi problem, everybody does it. Sin Cara just jumps and swings. He should know better. Kelly Kelly used to headscissors people by pressing the side of her leg into their head and jamming another into their armpit. Rana seminars, everybody.

Best: Rosa Mendes (Presumably) Throwing In With Alberto Del Rio

Alberto Del Rio and Rosa Mendes interacting was like watching pedestrians have a conversation in ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas,’ but Del Rio has needed a foxy lady in his posse to substantiate the plantation millionaire thing for a while. Rosa needs it, too, because “Hispanic Miss Elizabeth” is a way better gig than “doing something entertaining for a few seconds before a Primo wrestles”. Plus, you get the adorable side story of Ricardo Rodriguez being jealous of her getting too much attention, yet being bound by his service duties to wait on her hand and foot.

Best: Aksana Trying So Hard To Ruin An Okay Divas Match

The Divas match wasn’t bad. How do I know? Because Destiny turned to me after it was over and said, “That wasn’t bad. I don’t say that a lot about Divas matches!” Keep in mind that Destiny has seen more Sara Del Rey matches in her life than 75% of the people you know, so it’s relative.

But yeah, it wasn’t bad. There were a lot of things I loved about it. I liked Kaitlyn doing the Scorpion Death Drop better than Sting. I liked Layla giving a flag to the guy with the FEED ME TO LAYLA sign because she saw a sign that said “Layla” on it and didn’t read on to see whether or not he was trying to get her to blow him. I liked Eve wearing lipstick that matched her gear. I liked the Booty Poppin’ Moonsault being countered by a kick to the ass and I liked Layla just doing convoluted roll-ups to as fast as she could so she could get through them without Aksana reacting and f**king it up. I also liked whoever that was on Twitter who said Aksana was dressed as a “sexy carpet”.

Oh, and Aksana’s TitanTron video/logo being the Wolverine font. That never stops being funny to me. Aksana has a job on TV as a professional wrestler and Jessicka Havok doesn’t. Just saying.