Tank Abbott Bar Brawler novel trilogyIf I told you that former UFC fighter Tank Abbott had taken a break from fighting to the death at cookouts to write a trilogy of old-adult novels about a legendary bar brawler who totally never fought someone at a cookout and is instead a college student and also a WANDERING VIGILANTE who hates “posers” and “bullies,” what would you say? What would you expect him to include in the narrative?

If your answers were “hahah what,” and “dogs named after Adolph Hitler” respectively, BOY, ARE YOU IN FOR A TREAT. Welcome to the wonderful, wonderful world of Before There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel. At least, I think that’s the formal title. He should’ve written “A BOOK” and “BY ME” under A Novel, just to make sure.

Here are the opening lines. PREPARE YOUR ASSES.

“Gunslinger of the bars, where a duel was a fist-fight without weapons or you backed down by calling the bouncers. It was just kicking ass or getting your ass kicked. The gunslinger didn’t care if he won or lost, but only about his personal integrity and being satisfied when he woke up in the morning that he had delivered justice to a deserving cockroach.”

There’s no way this is real. The guys at Progressive Boink are just f**king with me. This is a Story Of Intrigue, right? God, I hope the original draft of that paragraph read: “My name is Tank Abortt, I’m am a MNA Fighter, one thing I know is that your a pussy and if we got into a fight I would win because I aren’t a pussy. I’m Tonk Abbott, most legendary of all the bars. Come phase me so I can put the BOMB on you!!” I also hope Bob Sapp is the only person who got to read that draft.

The book description from the book’s — ahem, novel’s — Amazon page is below. Read every word of it. You cannot understand how wonderful this is. His dog is named after Hitler.

Walter Foxx, Happening Beach, California’s most feared bar brawler, works at Sea Lion Beach Liquor at night, attends Wong Beach State College in the day, and dishes out street justice in his spare time to the scumbags, posers, wannabes, and bullies of the world who violate his personal code of honor. Driving a 1987 Chevy Sprint with his faithful pit bull Adolf riding shotgun, Walter and his twisted crew of Poppa Chulo, Rolando, Big Cal, and Gonzo hold court at the Dead Grunion bar where they take on all comers. When Walter sees a man beating his girlfriend one night and steps in to assist her, he gets punched for his trouble and makes the perp pay. The man has friends in high places, though, and Walter soon finds himself facing felony assault charges that his 600 pound bench-press-fueled fighting skills alone can’t beat. As he battles liars on the stand and his own hapless attorney John Wittless in a desperate bid to clear his name and avoid prison, Walter struggles to understand what his life means and what his future holds.

Author David “Tank” Abbott, the “Huntington Beach Bad Boy” and the world’s most famous brawler, had over 200 street fights before bursting onto the MMA scene in 1995 when he shocked the world by defeating larger opponents with crushing ferocity inside the cage to become a household name. He later went on to star in the most watched “Friends” episode of all time before becoming a fixture at Ted Turner’s World Championship Wrestling where he quickly became one of its most recognizable and popular personalities. He later returned to the cage with his trademark intensity, leaving an indelible and enduring legacy. This seminal three-novel work chronicles the adventures of fictional character Walter Foxx, who is at the crossroads of his life and who navigates the harsh worlds of bar brawling and street fighting with the goal of living his dream and following his passion and someday becoming a no-holds-barred fighter. Written from the ultimate insider’s perspective, Tank Abbott takes readers from the parking lot to the cage with a realism and honesty about mixed martial arts never before told or exposed − until now!

Quick observations:

1. He has a lawyer friend, but his lawyer friend is STUPID, and also named WITTLESS.
2. HITLER DOG
3. I love that Tank couldn’t just write himself as a tough fighter, he had to specifically mention the most he ever benched. Like, if you don’t read the novel, at least read the description so you can know how STRONG I AM.
4. The names of his “crew” are amazing, and I hope “Gonzo” is just Gonzo from The Muppets.
5. If this gets made into a film, I know just the song for the end credits:

[h/t to Cage Potato]