"And then I gave her an extra $1,000 to take a dump on my chest."

Last night, as I was initially excited to watch what felt like the first honest-to-Cthulhu good Thursday Night Football game of the season, word broke across the Twitters and some sports network that doesn’t like to source other reporters that the San Antonio Spurs would be playing without the team’s stars – Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker – against the Miami Heat. And I had to turn away from Kate Upton to do a spit take because I was like, “Well why in the H-E-Hockey-Lockout would Gregg Popovich do that?”

It turns out that he had a pretty darn good reason.

Meanwhile, the game was actually fantastic. I get a kick out of joking that San Antonio is the most boring team in sports, but they’re obviously not and they proved that by leading the Heat the majority of the game before ultimately falling to Miami, 105-100. So what’s the big deal then? Teams play and lose all the time, and teams certainly rest their starters. Well, David Stern ain’t having that nonsense.

It’s as clear as the shiny spot on Stern’s goblin forehead that the commish is pissed that Pop and the Spurs would deprive NBA fans of Duncan and Co. on a night when there are only two games. It’s also pretty clear that teams like the Spurs aren’t exactly the frosting on Stern’s big market cake. He favors teams that have big name stars and play in big cities for big TV markets, so when a team in a city like San Antonio bucks that trend for so long, Stern can only sit by, stroking his bed of skulls and mumbling, “You better play your f*cking stars.” Stern can shake his head and devilishly laugh off claims and accusations like this all he wants, but we all know it’s true.

Otherwise, why the hell would he make such a horsesh*t, asinine threat like this? What is he going to punish the Spurs for? For running their team the way they want to? Is Stern going to force the team to hire one of his buddies as an executive as he’s done with other teams over the years? It’s pure bullsh*t.

Alas, people disagree, and the pot is being stirred today by writers at ESPN, CBS and especially Fox Sports, where this stupid non-story has already been dubbed “Starter-gate”. Even ESPN’s mouth-breathing commenters are chiming in. Regardless, I’ll join in with Spurs fans in sending Stern this important message: