Back in 2010, five Ohio State Buckeyes football players were exposed for their roles in a horrifying murder-for-hire operation that included then-standout quarterback Terrelle Pryor, who was wanted by both the FBI and Interpol for his role in hundreds of global leader assassinations as far back as the 1830s. Wait, no. Sorry. I meant that five Ohio State players exchanged autographs for tattoos, cash and rental cars, among other things. And the whole world looked on in shock and terror, because never could we believe that people would take advantage of teenage athletes by dangling money in front of their faces.

Ultimately, the scandal revealed that as many as 28 players were involved and it led to former coach Jim Tressel’s resignation after it was revealed that he was well aware of his players’ side deals, and he had also been using ineligible players in 2010. Tressel was found to have violated an NCAA bylaw and he was accused of lying to the NCAA when he was questioned about these improper benefits. But with credit to THE university’s leadership, OSU officials did show some balls for forcing the Jim to “retire” and voluntarily forfeiting all wins from the 2010 season. Too bad the NCAA ain’t care, and the Buckeyes were slapped with a postseason ban for this season.

A funny thing happens, though, when a team is 11-0 with no prospect of playing in the Big 10 championship game or even the BCS Championship Game – fans get super pissed off. So much so that they create crazy petitions demanding that President Barack Obama “pardon” their football team.

WE PETITION THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO:

Pardon The Ohio State Buckeyes from unjust NCAA sanctions preventing their rightful access to a BCS bowl game.

The Ohio State University football team is one win away from an undefeated season. However, due to imposed sanctions, they are not allowed to participate in their conference’s championship game or the following bowl season. While a punishment for past indiscretions is to be expected, a bowl season ban is too harsh for a few young men trading memorabilia for tattoos and some change. The offending players and coach who covered it up are no longer part of the program. Please exercise your executive power to pardon the NCAA’s excessive sanctions placed on The Ohio State Buckeyes to enable a rightful, satisfying culmination to the college football season for the American people.

First of all, I cackled with delight when I read the “Issues” that this petition was associated with – Civil Rights and Liberties, Human Rights, Regulatory Reform. Because when I think human rights violations, I think 3) Gay marriage, 2) Tibet and 1) Ohio State.

Second – shut up. Just suck it up and take your hits like the rest of us. Your coach cheated and he was busted. Again, credit to the school for making it look like it was handled properly, but the almighty eye of the NCAA does not fall for that. Sure, Ohio State in the BCS title game would make those greedy bastards a ton of money, but laws are laws.

Third and probably most importantly – this petition is about three weeks late. I’m pretty sure that if someone had brought this up during the election debates, Obama and Mitt Romney would have been happy to debate it instead of reminding us how the economy is doomed. SPROTS > Financial crisis.

(H/T to Jimmy Traina.)