I don’t ask for much in this life, other than an ageless super model girlfriend who poops million dollar bills, but if Houston Texans RB Arian Foster could grab me about 160 yards and 4 touchdowns against the Jets’ horrible run defense tonight, that would be groovy like a disco movie.

Monday Night Football: Houston Texans at New York Jets – 8:30 PM ET on ESPN

Tonight marks the 666th edition of Monday Night Football, and of course it involves the New York Jets and Tim Tebow. I’m almost excited to hear how many horrible jokes Chris Berman makes about it in the hours leading up to kickoff. The over under is 12 bad jokes… wait, 12? Like the number of apostles? The end is here! I cast a biblical plague upon your houses!

MLB NLDS: Washington Nationals at St. Louis Cardinals – 4:37 PM ET on TBS

I understand how frustrated Atlanta Braves fans are right now, and I feel bad because I like the Braves and I hate that it’s been my team that has benefitted from their mistakes the past two seasons. But damn, some BARVES fans were just being big ol’ meanie faces to me on Twitter on Friday after that highly questionable (but correct) infield fly call. I guess I should try harder to grow telepathic powers to change umpires’ minds. It’s the least I could do in the name of fairness.

MLB ALDS: New York Yankees at Baltimore Orioles – 8:07 PM ET on TBS

There’s a growing trend that I’m keeping my eye on for research purposes, and I can’t call it new because I don’t know if it’s been happening since the Nationals moved to Washington D.C. This trend that I speak of is baseball fans in the nation’s capital, apparently believing that it is okay for them to claim allegiances to both the Nats and the Baltimore Orioles. Of course, if this is true, I am highly opposed to this. I’ll even go as far as to call it hooey, utter hooey.