Best: Hey, I Have That Hoodie
If you were around for the Best And Worst Of WWE SummerSlam 2012 Live, the folks at THQ and WWE Games were kind enough to invite me out to Los Angeles for SummerSlam weekend. Part of that was being at Axxess for the roster reveal, part of that was attending the WWE ’13 panel and getting to shake hands with Paul Heyman, and part of that was a goodie bag with a John Cena Wrestling Buddy (“Time for a throwback!”) and a WWE ’13 hoodie. Lo and behold, fast forward two months and there’s CM Punk in the ring on Raw wearing my hoodie. If I’d gotten the Sheamus buddy instead of the Cena my entire goodie bag would’ve shown up on Raw by now.
In a related story, the Stone Cold version of WWE ’13 showed up at my front door like 40 minutes ago, and it is the MOST DIFFICULT THING IN THE WORLD to keep writing a wrestling column when I could stop, put a disc into my PS3 and start Ace Crushing folks with Big Johnny. THE MOST DIFFICULT THING.
Best/Worst: Team Hell In A Cell Matches Vs. Team Other Half Of Hell In A Cell Matches
Lucky for me, WWE didn’t do anything cool or inventive (“A REMINDER, I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT ONE REF THING, BYE AGAIN”) with their Survivor Series main and instead organized a big Raw-style “rivals only wrestle each other, no matter what” elimination match with Punk, Rhodes Scholar, Miz and Del Rio against Ryback, Team Hell No, Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton. It doesn’t matter that Punk’s feuded with everybody on his team except Sandow and should still hate them, or that Punk actually has storyline friends on the show and could’ve gotten THEM on his team. It also doesn’t matter that Randy Orton has done wretched things to most of his team and should be a way bigger enemy to them than the smarmy guy with the belt who thinks people don’t respect him enough.
The only thing that matters is how awesomely inappropriate the Survivor Series undercard is going to be if they’ve only got 3 weeks to prepare and everybody worth a shit from Hell In A Cell is in one match. Usos versus Stansky and Rosenberg, welcome to pay-per-view!
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Mr Snrub
That fat Power Ranger isn’t a child Antonio, that’s Rey Mysterio.
Brocky
They just need to have an episode of raw start hangover style. No one knows what happened on smack down, just a tiger and a postcard from mars for clues, and jr is missing.
Afternoon Delight
I thought Punk was gonna end that promo with “…..btw Triple H is pretty cool. Good guy. Where’s he been lately? Here’s a video looking back at his career highlights.”
SHough610
Thank God Ziggler showed up. I haven’t seen such wooden actors since my marionette play.
Richard Grinman
“Forget 640K, 3MB is all you’ll ever need.” – Bill Gates, 2012
jacobsmellton
Ms. Ryback’s baby boy.
Golden Girls Gone Wild
Heymans team is like leaving your Fantasy football team on autodraft
PhilBallins
Dolph Ziggler: “John Cena and AJ Lee are two of my favorite people in th-” *flying shoulder block*
burgermike
“What the f**k is breast cancer?”
—me, every November 1st
Redshirt
Come on AJ. Go into Pinkamena mode!
Best: Happy Halloween, Everybody
And remember … I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
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I did like that ADR and Punk had a nice stare down when he got in the ring. It was the only real bit of canon in the whole segment. God forbid they actually built a team of ‘Paul Heyman Guys.’ The one time it would actually make sense to bring in outside talent for ONE NIGHT ONLY.
The very mention of “outside guys” would have actually made the most sense. It would have been brilliant, actually. That’s Punk’s whole thing; that he’s an outsider who’s had to actually fight his way up from the indies while clownshoes like Cena were hand-picked by the powers-that-be. Using that angle would have given them the justification to put together a truly deadly team of “Heyman Guys” that could have forced the Foley team to have been more “WWE guys”. That way you have a neo-invasion angle without rehashing an actual invasion. And it would make SO much more sense from a story-telling / logic point-of-view then simply throwing Foley and Punk at each other as spontaneous enemies.
Hey Guys,
I just wanted to pop my head in and say after surviving a transformer explosion blocks from my house and a night in the dark, I am A-OK, sleeping in my aunt’s living room with power, hot water and food.
Glad if I had to miss a Raw it was one that didn’t seem like the craziest thing I could have missed.
- JJTB
Glad you’re safe and I hope you get your power back soon.
3MB is all the power you will ever need. Stay dry.
youtube(dot)com/watch?v=68pChI9HknE
Above mentioned transformer explosion.
Hooray for John John’s safety!
Happy to hear you are safe and sound, partner!
Alex*, the best news is Bus service is up and running again!!! Time to dust off the ol’ DAOTB shingle.
YES!
@John John-I saw the video of the explosion and was like “Alright Michael Bay, now is NOT the time.” Glad you’re ok, that shit is scary.
Glad you got through Sandy safe, John John. You didn’t miss much last night on Raw. If they did Raw in Battery Park last night, there wouldn’t have been much of a difference. It was really bleh.
“They give Ryback his Raven moment against Hogan” I’m not sure that’s what you meant to say, unless somewhere there’s awesome video of Raven stomping the shit out of the hulkster.
I think he means WWE mashed the Raven and Hogan stuff together from the Goldberg era and gave it to Ryback to burn through in two weeks.
Ha, no, yeah, what I mean is that Punk represented Hogan, and they gave him a Raven moment against a Hogan.
Got it, however I have now fantasy booked Raven vs Hogan for the Hammerstein Ballroom for March of ’97
I wish I could play it cool but I have no issue with admitting that I skipped ahead to see if I made top 10 comments. Thanks all and thanks Brandon. It has really made a shitty birthday a little better.
it was certainly worthy. go eat cake.
Happy birthday GGGW!
Happy birthday friend! Don’t get corrupted by the fame of being in the top 10 comments like I did!
Happy Birfday!
I present to you this cake on your special da…wait, Vickie Guerrero? Whatcha doing here…WUH-OH! She sat on the cake, THAT WAS UNEXPECTED!
Happy Birfday anyways!
Thanks folks. Mr Snrub, that was one of my fav lines in quite some time. Be proud.
I believe BS just tore down the 4th wall. With his tights.
Destiny has nice Kanes.
Seconded. Good score for you, Brandon.
@Brandon, unlike these pervs I’ll comment on your quality “No’s.” And by that I mean weiner.
↑ +1 to GGGW. Yes, I know we’re not on the Discussion Thread, I ain’t care.
“The only thing that matters is how awesomely inappropriate the Survivor Series undercard is going to be if they’ve only got 3 weeks to prepare and everybody worth a shit from Hell In A Cell is in one match.”
Current SS Card:
Team Punk vs Team Foley
Cena vs Ziggler
Show/Sheamus
We can probably add:
Antonio Cesaro vs Justin Gabriel
Eve vs Aj (probably in some sort of stipulation that sees AJ getting screwed)
3MB and PTP vs Cobro/ Carsterio/R Truth i in a traditional Survior Series match. Or have the 4 tag teams in a fatal 4 way to determine the #1 contender for the tag titles.
Not a bad SS card where each match can get a respectable amount of time.
If the stipulation that sees AJ getting screwed involves Eve wearing a strap-on would that be okay? Because it’s okay by me.
I thought AJ would be the upper in a hypothetical….I can’t believe I started to write that type of comment in a wrestling forum.
Yeah, I totally ruined the decorum with my comment. And I apologize. But I still wish it would happen.
I’m assuming that someone is going to get injured the week before/night of and then Brock Lesnar (Bork Lesters?) is going to step in and donkey punch Ryback.
I assume Bork is going to show up after a ref bump and murderdeathkill Ryback to give Punk the win, and take Ryback out of the title picture.
At least we’re in agreement that Brock is MDK Ryback so Cena can CONQUER THE WORLD AND GET THE CHAMPIONSHIP BACK only to lose it to the Rock at the Royal Rumble?
I was going to agree with you TFCC, but, the more I think about it, the more I think none of the 3 will hold the title while they do their wankfest feud. Their names are sell their match. They don’t need a title.
“HORNSWOGGLE IS WEARING A HORNSWOGGLE T-SHIRT TO THE BREAST CANCER APPRECIATION THING.” – I completely lost my shit at this point. I cracked up hard.
HEY! Do you think Hornswoggle is laying low and not really appearing on RAW because he fears that JBL might be there now?
Just wanted to say that while I’m currently trying not to freeze to death without power on the east coast, this column made my frustrating day (and what is sure to be a very frustrating next couple of days) just a little bit better. So thanks for that.
“I don’t know exactly what went on at that dinner, but I hope I started with John tipping the host and asking for a “nice table, preferably something near the fuse box”.”
oh god, tears from laughing too hard… Totally missed that the first time round.
Pretty sure that’s the same restaurant DBry/DBates & The Bellas went to for their date.
Brandon, it was definitely Cole who said “Darren O’Neil, Mr. Nose Day Off.” He also kicked off the match with “Darren Young will start things off against, uh, Darren Young.”
The explanation for the lame teams (no A-Ry, Punk!?) is that the people who picked them don’t watch Raw.
I know she has a body like *pow!* but damm did Rosa Mendes’ stylist do her best to make her look like the female gremlin from Gremlins 2. Or Theresa Guidice from Real Housewives of NJ, you know who this is if you’re married.
I blame domestic violence.
^ boo-urns
Good column, but, it was Cole who kept messing up during the PTP match and Kevin Steen is a good looking dude but that could be that he could be my hubby’s younger brother.
BStro, Orton was not wearing any pants last night. Nor was Sheamus. Punk should have recruited Orton (he hates everyone anyway), Sheamus (he just likes to fight), and sell them on the idea that although they don’t like eachother, they have one common enemy: Pants.
Thus would begin The League Against Men wearing Pants (LAMP for short).
Pair them with Rhodes Scholar, tag team and anti pants enthusiasts, and we’d have a REAL team with one unifying cause: Abolishing Pants.
Throw in a diva in a thong and you’ve got me sold on the idea.
I love LAMP
I second that Orton is not wearing pants in that picture.
I’m not saying I saved the picture to my computer and spent 10 minutes messing with all the image adjustment features just to be sure, but I will say I’m certain he wasn’t wearing pants.
Orton & Sheamus lost their invitation to the pants party.
John Cena wearing a John Cena shirt on a John Cena date is the most John Cena Cena John John Cena thing jern cena cena.
John Cena didn’t cena that cena will Fight! Fight! Fight! and then cena a flying shoulder cena out of nowhere.
John Cena doesn’t do what John Cena does for John Cena. John Cena does what John Cena does because John Cena is John Cena.
Heyman guys? More like Herman guys.
my Beth Phoenix of Venuth quote not making the top 10 is a bigger crime than Dean Ambrose being kept off the main roster
Just assume it made the Top 15. I’ve assumed I’ve made the Top 15 for the past 47 weeks.
Thanks for the Top 10 pick. I actually didn’t think I’d make the list this week. I guess I underestimated how much people missed AJ’s crazy character as it was one of the most original and entertaining parts of WWE that has surely been missing the past couple of years.
Either that or people really want to see sometime have a psychotic breakdown. That’s always fun to watch.
Ooh, I almost had a psychotic breakdown after the Vickie/Cena/AJ parts of the show last night! Does that count?
“I still don’t love it when Sheamus talks and think he should be repackaged as a guy who loses his voice box in a war”
Haha funny
“goes colorblind and gets amnesia”
Too true
“and forgets what Ireland is”
!!! LEAVE US ALONE!!!
I just got an invite to my Company’s Holiday Party.
As far as clothing goes, the invite says it’s going to be (THIS) Business Casual.
Good thing Cena showed me a new way to rock a (THIS) Business Casual look.
Don’t forget to get a naked fat guy there to rub baby oil on himself. That’s a requirement in Company Holiday Parties.
I assume the hardcover version of JSoM will be available by Christmas? I really want it prominently displayed on my bookshelf when friends and family come over. So, so good.
Thanks for the weekly, entertaining reading material.
Does the NO! shirt have it’s NO!’s personally taped over and written on? That’s glorious.
Loved it. Somehow, playing Mason Ryan’s theme over the rest of the chapter really heightened Swagger’s despair and the true depths of his failure.
Brodus Clay is going to be in that Scooby Wrestlemania movie, I assume to take on shaggy in a pizza eating contest to solve one of life’s greatest mysteries- Who can eat more, a stoner or a fat man?
Also, lol @ wwe poll asking “Should brad maddox be disciplined?” Wow, geez, idk.
Somehow I’d have to imagine if, say, Ed Hocchuli crotch-uppercutted a kicker during his attempt to win a game in overtime, there would be some sort of consequence.
I didn’t see much of Raw (Yay 49ers!), but this column is always Super Best.
One thing the cancer awareness brought to my attention is how frequently J.R. describes wrestling moves as “carcinogenic.” Getting punched in the face by Show might reduce your brain to a frothy milkshake, but its unlikely to cause cancer.
Great costumes. I’m going as Virgil and will shill signed photos for candy. Two pieces if candy, one’s for Ted – he was just here and will be right back…honest!
Since everyone is getting all Lawler grade pervy in the comments, might as well take this opportunity to get your position on this, Brandon (for some reason, I started typing your initials, noticed they were B.S. and changed gears) – Stephanie/Macho rumors: (a) highly unlikely; or (b) possible but not probable; or (c) frighteningly probable?
Highly unlikely. The more likely story is that Macho acted shitty when he jumped to WCW and McMahon got his feelings hurt, and McMahon with his feelings hurt = terrible rumors.
The costumes are spot on, but where’s your anger management class with Harold, Brandon?
Does JTG want to be Stang (Black Sting) as well?
Thank you for putting that amazing 3MB video right after the JSoM chapter. And by that I mean WRESTLING BROS DON’T MAKE OTHER WRESTLING BROS FEEL THEIR OWN FEELS, BRANDON.
Jack Swagger needs to be released as a novel. Or at least a cheap Syfy (ugh) movie starring Adrien Brody, Bruce Greenwood, and Melissa Joan Hart.
Also: holy shit to that Kane mask.
LOVEEE ITTT!!! :?f@F
Figures that the only reason I would make the top ten for the first time making the top ten is on a night where half of the active viewers didn’t have power, and the fact that raw was pretty boring sure didn’t help. Makes my planned celebration, a full on Daniel bryan yes yes yes at my desk seem innapropriate now.
Aww what the hell, YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! I finally made the top ten after months of trying.
Regarding Beth, the major thing is that we don’t KNOW how good she really is, because it’s been a very long time since anyone’s seen her in 20 minute matches like we have with Sara Del Rey, Rachel Summerlyn, Manami Toyota, KANA, Veda, et al. But the fact that she’s come across as a good wrestler in matches that are 7 minutes, including intros and outros, at maximum is actually pretty impressive in and of itself.
Brilliant. Probably my favorite chapter of JSOM to date. Which leads to a conundrum – do I find the fact that you’ve done an infinitely better job of developing the Jack Swagger character in 6-7 serialized chapters on a sports comedy blog than “creative” has in 4 years of weekly television depressing or REALLY depressing?
Cena should reshow the footage of Vickie having an affair with Big Show when she was with Edge.
I know that sounds kind of marky but I think it would’ve been funny to reference something that happened that no one remembers what so ever.
This thread is dead but s/o to Brandon for the column and burgermike for his Top 10 comment. Still laughing.