3MB Behind The Music

Best: 3MB Is The Greatest Thing

For whatever reason, WWE’s YouTube channel didn’t upload an embeddable version of 3MB: Behind The Music, so if you haven’t seen it yet, go to WWE.com and watch it immediately. I’m hoping the trolls who were around six months ago telling me I was a hipster for loving Heath Slater so much can finally come around to accepting that not a hipster, but in fact the g.d. Lawnmower Man of Internet pro wrestling opinion.

Highlights include:

1. The way Heath Slater says 3MB so it sounds like “thromby”. Can we call them Thromby?
2. Jinder Mahal channeling The Rutles and being entertaining for the first time ever.
3. A f**king three-man finger taunt that spells out their stable name.
4. “Hey Mike, are you finished with that naked statue about now?”
5. Bono not being able to do deadlifts if his life depended on it.

And everything else.

Lowlights include:

1. Slater not explaining that his hit single “I’m The One Man Band, Baby” was a demo track for 3MB, meaning he’s already performed to an international cable television audience.
2. Slater winning 3MB’s tag match against Team Jesus Christ I Hate Zack Ryder with the “Overdrive,” which is one Roll Of The Dice away from being the most overused and least impressive or logical wrestling move performed without pad removal or hip-hop dancing.

Best: Give Me A 15-Minute Rhodes Scholar Tag Every Week

While the 3MB tag match wasn’t anything special, the Rhodes Scholar/Car Stereo match was predictably off both the hook and chain. If you can get to Hulu (or your DVR), watch this entire match. The two-minute clip doesn’t do it justice. The only complaints I have are that Michael Cole really needs to accept that we do not require a translation of Damien Sandow’s Latin signature moves (and that if he wanted them explained every time he would’ve called it “he calls this move the Elbow of Disdain, but in Latin”) and that Rey Mysterio’s Halloween mask made me wish Halloween the luchador was still around. And Damien 666!

One thing that bothers me is how slow Sin Cara has to go to keep it together. The guy keeps hurting himself and others, but he can GO, anybody who watched him as Mistico can vouch for that. He’s extremely quick and nimble to the point of disbelief, and here he is on Raw moving veeeery veeeeery slowly between moves to make sure he doesn’t fart out of his mouth and speak out of his ass. He tags in Rey Mysterio, which just exacerbates things, because the 37-year old chunky little guy with zero working knees is about a billion times faster.

But yeah, Rhodes Scholar is the best thing to happen to WWE in a long, long time. Two charismatic wrestlers who also happen to be good at wrestling, but aren’t wacky freaks so they don’t automatically get thrust into the main-event and ruined? TAKE MY MONEY.

Randy Orton Breast Cancer

Best: Randy Orton Staying In Character For The Breast Cancer Awareness Thing

He’ll go to the pap smear if he has to.

Worst: Vickie Guerrero Should’ve Revealed That John Cena Was Having An Affair With Susan G. Komen

Wait, did they CGI pants onto Orton? I swear to God when I watched it last night he wasn’t wearing pants. Sheamus is wearing a diaper, they couldn’t have CGI’d some pants onto him, too?

Anyway, it’s great that WWE has done so much for breast cancer awareness and that they raised exactly $1,000,000 with no remainder to give to a research organization, but there are a lot of terrible, shifty things that go on with charities (especially charities donated to by the husbands of people running for party-specific senate) that you don’t need to read about in a comedy wrestling column. The Komen organization isn’t as great to women as they’d like you to believe, maybe 15% of that million dollars will go to actually funding cancer research, WWE kinda-sorta treats women like expendable garbage on the regular and this (and the entire PG era of WWE) has been a stop-and-go attempt to make a pro wrestling organization not look so much like a pro wrestling organization until the coast was clear. I don’t know.

I think it can be summed up in one phrase: Hornswoggle in a Hornswoggle t-shirt. HORNSWOGGLE IS WEARING A HORNSWOGGLE T-SHIRT TO THE BREAST CANCER APPRECIATION THING. We have seen your leprechaun costume, dude, it is basically a suit, wear that. Just don’t rub dirt on your face.

Best: Justin Gabriel Is Main-Eventing Raw!

Raw’s main-event (!!) combined two things I love about any show: Alberto Del Rio skunking people and appearances from The Nexus.

I like that Justin Gabriel impressed people enough with his Antonio Cesaro matches to get a pay-per-view payday and a continued presence as the Better Evan Bourne on Raw. Hopefully the WWE crowd will forget about his haircut and warm up to him soon, so we can continue giving jobs to people who are competent pro wrestlers. Also, I hope Alberto Del Rio can string together enough wins to win on a pay-per-view one day. Also, I hope monkeys fly out of my butt.

While I’m thinking about it, you know what I miss? The Nexus, yeah, but specifically the relationship between Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater. They were the TRUEST POSSIBLE BROS for a while, to the point that they bonded over not wanting to hit CM Punk with kendo sticks and Corre’d it up together. If I was the type of wrestling fan who shipped wrestlers (and as a PSA reminder, I am not), I would’ve shipped them. Slabriel! If I’m ever put in charge of WWE Creative (and I should not be), one of my first objectives would be to establish lasting, personality-based interpersonal relationships between mid-carders. Gabriel and Slater should still be bros, even if one cheats now and the other doesn’t. They can be WWE’s El Generico and Kevin Steen, only physically fit, able to speak into a microphone without verbally wanking all over themselves and handsome enough to be on television.

Haha, oh man, did I just throw shade at independent wrestling? I didn’t mean to. It’s my favorite thing in the world, but sometimes that shit is true.