Best: AJ Lee, WWE Diva

It cost her her last name, but at least AJ is wrestling again. That’s a good decision. Now if we can just let her patch things up with Kaitlyn, get into a pro graps vs. MMA thing with Eve over the Divas Championship and get the goddamn f**king bastard hell away from John Cena romance storylines, we’ll be where we need to be.

Also included in this Best:

Worst: So Long, Beth Phoenix, And Thanks For Having A Dope Entrance Theme

Look at that acting. Look at it.

I’m not happy that Beth Phoenix is gone, because she’s a powerful woman with a great look who at least represented some vague idea of “actual wrestling” in the Divas Division. As many readers know, I’m not the world’s biggest Beth Phoenix fan. I think she’s insanely overrated by wrestling fans who don’t know or see the fantastic professional wrestling being performed by woman around the world on a weekly basis and think “not doing stinkfaces” means “good female wrestler”. Doing stinkfaces and allowing stinkfaces to be done to you are similar kinds of bad. She’s not the worst wrestler ever, but she’s certainly not the best.

The good news is that if she loves wrestling, maybe she’ll show up on the independent circuit to wrestle her ass off with Jazz, or show up at a SHIMMER taping somewhere to Glamorously Slam Veda Scott or get her head kicked off by Ayako Hamada. Regardless, she’s now officially a draw for women’s wrestling, and I hope she uses that to further herself, her passion and her sport. I also hope she doesn’t try to take me for 20 bucks when I ask her for a mark photo.

Best: More Sheamus Versus Big Show (Yes Please)

One great thing that came from Hell In A Cell was the transformation of Big Show versus Sheamus from “fat, kinda sad and mad guy wants the smarmy racist guy’s belt” to “A GIANT IS GOING TO KILL YOU AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN STOP HIM IS THIS ONE SUPER TOUGH GUY WHO LOVES FIGHTING”. That’s a Chyna-to-Stephanie level upgrade.

I still don’t love it when Sheamus talks and think he should be repackaged as a guy who loses his voice box in a war, goes colorblind and gets amnesia and forgets what Ireland is, but if he’s saying things about how he loves to fight and wants to keep kicking at Big Show until he’s dead, I’m all for it. WWE needs more wrestlers who are concerned with being the best at fighting. How weird is that to say? They’ve got like 80 people on the roster, and I can name maybe 5 who have clearly said that they are in WWE because they like to fight or wrestle and want to be the best at it. Dolph Ziggler’s all, “I LIKE TO SHOW OFF!” You could do that with YouTube and a Razor scooter. Alberto Del Rio is super rich and runs a plantation in Mexico. WHY IS WRESTLING YOUR JOB? WHY DON’T YOU DO YOUR OTHER JOB, WHICH YOU ARE CLEARLY REALLY GREAT AT? People like Kofi Kingston are here to “entertain you, the fans”.

CM Punk says he’s trying to prove he’s the best RESSALLER in WWE, Sheamus likes to fight people and the Prime Time Players know that wins = money. Is that it?

Best: Big Show Holding On For Dear Life In White Noise

A few of you mentioned it during Hell In A Cell, but one of my favorite things from the last few days is how easily Sheamus can lift Big Show up for the White Noise and how CLEARLY TERRIFIED Show is taking it. There is a good chance he’s going to fall on his head and get paralyzed again (Kevin Nash powerbomb, I’m looking in YOUR direction) so he’s just bear-hugging the shit out of Sheamus, trying to hang on. Somebody should photoshop Show in White Noise with HANG IN THERE at the bottom.

At some point, Show should turn that into his White Noise counter. Just squeeze Sheamus from that position until his torso bursts. Or hell, just roll backwards and try to pin him. You weight 500 pounds, if you move your free leg slightly he’s going to topple the hell over.

Best: Mick Foley Explaining Video Games To Kaitlyn

This is honestly a worst, but one of my favorite moments from Raw was the backstage shill of WWE 13. Poor old Mick Foley’s standing there gesturing emptily at a TV screen playing prerecorded clips of character he used to be 10 years ago, telling 26-year old fitness model Kaitlyn about how cool video games are. It was like that scene in The Wrestler where Randy The Ram thinks the neighbor kid wants to play “Call It Duty”.

And there’s Kaitlyn, looking at the back of the box like a young person who might buy a video game, not getting all bent out of shape about it (like a young person who might buy a video game), trying to get basic information about when it comes out. She’s not in it, so I’ll let that slide. Foley’s all, “THREE FACES OF FOLEY, YOU CAN BE ALL THREE FACES OF FOLEY, THE FACES OF FOLEY KAITLYN, BEAT UP PUNK WITH MY FACES OF FOLEY,” doing the Mick Foley bent-up hand point until someone interrupts. Notice how when they finally are interrupted, Kaitlyn BOLTS. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?

Jack Swagger Of Mars PS3 WWE 13

Jack Swagger Of Mars
Chapter 27

Hale Crate stood in flames. General Ryan stood atop his mighty warship (brought to you by WWE ’13, available now) and bellowed into the night.

“Jack Swagger … OF MARS!”

Below, lost in some shadowed crater on the planet’s surface, Jack Swagger clutched Kaa’orri close to him and listened, for it was a message sent across the hate and stars for him.

“Coman face meh!”

Ryan dropped the microphone and raised his arms into the air as his entrance theme blared from the ship’s speakers. The light from the burning surface village flickered high into the sky, and General Ryan could smell the smoke against the back of his eyes.

“What are we going to do, Jack?” Kaa’orri’s voice showed fear to Jack for the first time. It hit him like a Brodus Clay splash. He had brought this to them, to her, and he alone was the reason Hale Crate burned. They were dead because of him. He’d left the blue planet for shame, and had brought it with him to the red. He could never escape it.

“Jack, he’s up there, and-”

“Justh lemme thank,” he interrupted. His eyes darted. He pulled away from Kaa’orri and ran his hands through his hair, imagining every scenario he could. He could fly the Soaring Eagle to the wreckage of the Rhadamanthus and use the parts to … no, that wouldn’t work, the Rhadamanthus was beyond repair, and even if the Soaring Eagle could escape unharmed, there’s no way he could get across the planet unscathed. He thought about flying, flapping his arms until they rose him into the sky to meet his destiny. Both plans stood the same chance.

“Lemme thank…” His voice lost all hope, and drifted off into the shadows.

“Sachie’s still up there on the catapult!” Kaa’orri gleamed with hope. “Maybe if I can get to him, we can use it to-”

“ENOUGH!” Jack’s voice echoed in their burial chamber. Kaa’orri’s hope drained from her face. The hero of Mars was giving up.

“You need ta get UP ta Sachie and get tha hail OUT of here! You hear me!!” Jack’s voice trembled as he shouted. “Heth gonna destroy EVERYthang with thosth bombs, an if he gets to Hellath next you’re ALL dead. THAVE YOURSELF!”

“What good is saving myself?” Kaa’orri asked.

“Whatta you wanna DIE??” Jack answered.

“What good is saving myself if my family burns? If my … if my brother dies on that catapult, waiting for us? If love dies. If hope dies. If … you die?”

Jack couldn’t believe what he heard. Well, what little he could hear over Jim Johnston’s anthem blaring through outer space.

“I don’t want you to die. We can do this.”

“No,” Jack answered. “I can’t.”

Kaa’orri closed her eyes and turned away.

“Get Sachie an get the hail outta here. I’ll dithract ‘um with the Soaring Eagle an fine a place ta hide. The thwamps, maybe. Thomewhere they don’t know about.”

“Jack,” she said. “Don’t.”

“I’m not main-event material, Kaa’orri. I’m just the bottom of the card. Thave Hellath.”

And with that, Jack Swagger Of Earth stomped out of the room and into the smoldering blaze of Hale Crate.

Time passed.

Jack Swagger piloted the Swagger Soaring Eagle through the collapsing city of fire and into the Martian wasteland. The great warship wasted a few rounds trying to stop him, but the small vessel carried him too quickly for lock-on. General Ryan called off the attack, telling his soldiers to let Swagger go. He did not need to die … he was already dead. They would salvage him when the planet’s core was obliterated and return him to Vince McMahon and whoever was in charge of booking when they got back on a silver platter.

Time passed.

Jack pulled the Eagle to a stop in the center of a terrible swamp. There, he found the old hut and collapsed to its floor, the smell of flesh still singed in his nose. He cried, there alone, where no one could see.

Time passed.

Kaa’orri and Sachie arrived at the Descent Shaft and lowered themselves into the darkness. They would hide here, because there is no other way. Kaa’orri stopped and looked back across the forest, hoping to see a red, white, blue and for some reason black singlet approaching from the distance. She looked a little too long, then closed the opening behind her. Darkness, and the inevitable wait.

Time passed.

Mason Ryan smiled as his ship landed at the top of Ceraunius Tholus. From here, he could look down upon a mighty Martian forest where the opening to the final Descent Shaft had to lie. He would burn it all to the ground. With the other shafts around their world destroyed, the citizens of Hellas had no escape. They could either rise up from the depths and face their doom, or wait as the General and his troops descended upon them, backing them against the very walls they called home and took their lives.

In the distance, Jack Swagger of Earth cried.