Best: Let’s Start Every Raw With A Boss Tag Team Match, Please
Rey Mysterio returned from a near-fatal bout of T-shirts Disease to open the show as part of the tag team number one contenders tournament finals, and now I’m going to react to the next six months of show-opening CM Punk promos with COME ON JERKS WHY SPEND THIS 20 MINUTES HAVING A GREAT TAG TEAM MATCH, GAWD etc.
It was simple, effective storytelling. WWE’s been pushing the importance of tag teams recently, so it makes sense that the team who stayed healthy and got a non-tournament win last week to stay warm would take it. Think about it — Rey getting sick cost his team momentum. They didn’t even wear the matching gear they’d been rocking for the first 3/4 of the tournament. Sandow and Rhodes didn’t have to pull any dirty tricks to get the win, they simply stuck to their isolate-and-destroy gameplan, didn’t take any unnecessary risks and trusted each other. Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow need to be tag team partners forever, because Christ, how hard must it be to find a physical and intellectual peer in WWE? Cody Rhodes used to team with Bob f**king Holly. His next partner pretended to be rich, but loved wearing camouflage and “goin’ muddin’”. He needs to sit in the tag division with Sandow and wait for Godot whether the dude ever shows up or not.
I know everyone is into the idea of a Rey Mysterio versus Sin Cara match at WrestleMania so they can break the masks record or whatever (I’m bringing my Saturyne mask just in case), but I hope they allow Car Stereo to regroup after this loss and team a little more before they split. One of the cool parts of this match is that either team winning would give us something great for Hell In A Cell. If Rhodes Scholar won, we get the obvious cool heels versus wacky babyfaces thing. If Car Stereo won it’d be just as good, because Kane and Mysterio work together well, Kane vs. Sin Cara would be hilarious on several levels and Daniel Bryan is good enough at wrestling to make Sin Cara look like Mistico. Plus, Daniel Bryan versus Rey Mysterio is a thing I need in my life.
Best: The Crowd Chanting A Rhodes Scholar Pinfall
No, seriously, watch that video. Cody Rhodes drops Mysterio with +Rhodes and covers, and the crowd chants ONE, TWO, THREE~ along with the ref. For the smarmy bad guys. This happened for three reasons:
1. It was the first match of Raw, so the crowd still loved being live for pro wrestling and hadn’t yet been beaten down with 2 hours and 45 minutes of in-ring promos and commercial breaks.
2. It was really good, and sometimes by the end of a good match you don’t care so much about who wins, you’re just happy to have seen a really good wrestling match.
3. Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow are cool. Think about it. Who’s on top of WWE right now? An aging dorky guy in jorts and Breast Cancer Awareness clothes. A stressful, abrasive guy in a hoodie with no pants with a below average man’s physique. A guy so white they call him GREAT WHITE who plays with toys on Raw and can’t speak without sounding like the type who’d crack up at your forwarded list of lawyer jokes. Look at the undercard. A guy with a funny accent who wears a snake puppet on his arm. A guy with a YouTube show who calls himself the Internet Champion. A guy who talks to an invisible child. Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow are smart, physically fit pro wrestlers who win matches with violence and cunning instead of cowardice and shortcuts and don’t give a f**k what the trogs in the WWE Universe think about them. Out of all of those people, who would you most like to be?
Best: A Sneak Preview Of My Halloween Costume
I don’t want to reveal too much until the costumes are finished, but there are only so many people in the world who’d get excited about this, so here’s a sneak preview of my Halloween costume.
Yes, it’s a couples costume. Yes, Destiny’s dressing up like you think she is.
Worst: At Hell In A Cell This Sunday, CM Punk Will Be Compromised To A Permanent End
I need another John Cena promo like I need an asshole right here:
I love that even the WWE Fan Nation video labels it as “John Cena explains giving Ryback an opportunity to face CM Punk”. He doesn’t. No amount of explaining can logically justify Cena battling back from surgery and passionately demanding the match at Hell In A Cell only to stop when the contract’s in front of him on a clipboard on a table in the ring without retconning it completely or giving Cena a social depth he absolutely does not have. If Cena had said, “I think I’m going to be medically cleared next week, but if I go slamming into a cage a week after that I could be out for a lot longer, so I need to take it easy for a few months and just pin Miz or whatever so let me send the most dangerous dude I can find after this guy who pissed me off,” that would’ve been something. What he actually said was, “please buy Ryback brand hot dogs”. That’s it.
What does he even say? He says Punk tells the truth, but that everything Punk has said is false, because the only real avenue of change is putting the strap on the most muscular guy he can find. That’s not change, bro, that’s the status quo. Didn’t you wrestle Batista like 7,000 times? You should know this.
Ryback works (like Goldberg originally worked) because he doesn’t spend 20 minutes explaining himself at the top of every Raw, he just comes out and picks up two guys at once and kills them, says his catch phrase a bunch and bails. How funny is it that they’ve commandeered John Cena to be Ryback’s 20-minute promo? We don’t need Cena going RYBACK IS THE MORNING AND THE EVE-A-NING STAR and pointing a dramatic finger a la Cooper Anderson, we need Ryback showing up to repeatedly maim folks and properly pick up Tensai. That’s it.
Best, Briefly: Raw Is McGillicutty!
I’ll save the Kofi KingStans reading another expository paragraph they’ll skip and say that I enjoyed the what, 70-ish seconds Michael McGillicutty was on Raw. If you watched the post-Conor O’Brian, pre-Seth Rollins NXT Redemption you’ll know that Gilly has been working his ass off to get as good IN the ring as David Otunga is OUT of it. The crowd still doesn’t get who he is because he isn’t flipping a towel behind his back, but he’s precisely the hand you want in the ring to make your Intercontinental Champion look like he could beat somebody in a fight.
By the way, Trouble In Paradise is now officially just Starship Pain. Kofi either misses by a foot and kicks the air in front of them (like he did last night … in theory he should’ve been kicking hard enough to move McGillicutty’s hands backwards, hitting him in the face and allowing everything to look like its supposed to) or he kicks through their skull like he’s trying to connect a foot behind them. But yeah, no, Kofi Kingston’s awesome.
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Fantastic stuff as always!
BEAR! Where were you last night, chum?
Thanks for staying away and letting me sneak into the top 10.
I was beginning to fear a sledding accident of some sort.
Ditto
Ethan Frome’d? I sure hope not!
I’m sorry everybody. My girlfriend was doing a comedy show last night. We’ve got a lot of Monday comedy shows coming up. These reports will be more vital to me than ever. And they’re already super duper vital!
(If anyone wants the moniker “Son of Tobogganing Bear II Jr.”, now’s the time to swoop in.)
T-Boggs Bear, I think the proper name would be Oscillating Muskrat, going by Mr. Perfect/Michael McGillicutty naming conventions.
The future Mrs. Bear books shows on Mondays on purpose.
The Northeast Scarface! Not letting that one die.
I’m going to try and weasel my way into watching Hell in a Cell. I need to yell at musclemen and shouting at people at GNC isn’t doing the trick.
/swooping in.
aaaaah!
GASP!
Destiny’s dressing up like you think she is
IT’S GOTTA BE KANE!!!!!!
Danity?
^ Making the Three-Man Band
The Mulkey Bros.
Lobster your post is Damaged.
Recycling the Chris Trew beard as a DB beard? Classic. And so environmentally conscious!!
Man I really wish you watched Smackdown, Gabriel and Kidd had a great little match with Rhodes Scholar
The weird thing about the lumberjack match and how it came off seeing it in person was how boring it was. Seriously, except for the last minute or two it seemed to drag on and on. There were some dudes cosplaying as Randy Savage and Hollywood Hogan in the upper deck that started clowning around that got louder cheers than the real dudes in the ring.
Also, did Vicki say anything of note when she was first announced as special assistant whatever? The booing for Vicki was so sustained and loud that even with a live mic and sound system, I couldn’t hear what she was saying most of the time. The boos were that loud. O_o
Also, overheard, a dad talking to his little son “Son, you like Shamus, right?” “NO way, he’s a big mean bully!”
There is hope for the future!
McGillicutty has been very good lately.
His matches on the new NXT have been awesome. I really enjoyed his match against Tensai last week on Superstars, (the crowd started to cheer for him!), and his theme song is one of my favorites.
A year ago, I would have never said this, but times change, people change, and I am now a McGillibuddy!
What I wouldn’t give to have Swagger return at HIAC, in full astronaut gear…because his home planet needs him.
I did not come for AJ, I came for your thoughts on that Daniel Bryan/Ziggler match. I was not disappointed.
And I remember that Raven/Goldberg match. It was one of those random awesome things I just happened to tune into at the right moment.
Maybe all this time Sheamus was just a developmentally disable person and we never knew it because of his accent.
We’re through the looking glass here people.
MR M?
He’s evolutionary Eugene with a temperament disorder.
OK gang, which athletes do you suspect are huge pro wrestling fans?
I bring this up because Aaron Rodgers, of BELT celebration fame, just spoke wistfully on his weekly radio show of watching DDP/Malone vs Hogan/Rodman at the 1998 Bash at the Beach, including knowing the finish off the top of his head.
Basically this is an excuse to tell everyone once again how awesome my quarterback is.
I think pretty much all offensive and most defensive linemen like wrestling.
There’s some MMA duders that like it or are involved in it from time to time, like Josh Barnett.
Josh Reddick of the A’s is a huge fan. Even came to the plate with Danielson’s “Valkryie” theme
Matt Holliday uses Big Show’s theme as his walkup music.
Shane Victorino came out to HHH’s theme…Dodgers need to get rid of this guy QUICK!
A secret favorite of mine was the fact that Kaitlyn’s unnecessary outfit change between discovering the pictures on Eve’s iPad and confronting her about the evidence found.
So can we just have three hours of that (German commentators included)
Man. Even now that Goldberg/Raven match had me pretty excited. I love Raven and I remember how stoked I was during this part of Goldberg frenzy. What I forgot was that he wasn’t as physically monstrous as my brain thought. He didn’t look like he came out of the game Ballz like Ryback does.
I know I wish he’d come back and feud with punk
I miss wrestling crowds like that :(
I like that after 70+ matches no one thought to weigh him or ask him where he was from.
He just snorted steam and walked away
steam punk Goldberg FTW!
That Team Johnny photo… :’)
They look so happy!
I want to photoshop myself into that picture.
Never Forget.
It’s not too late. I still have faith in Johnny Ace and his inevitable return.
I still remember marking out cheering the win and then spending the next five minutes explaining to my only-watch-WrestleMania friends why I’m cheering.
I still have faith in Johnny’s return, papermint. I also still have faith that AJ and Bryan were working together all that time for some as-yet-to-be-revealed purpose, though :/
I’m not with you on Punk’s top-rope skill level. Well, his moonsault looks like shit, yeah… but I dug the axe-handles and I think his flying elbow has improved a lot recently.
Also, thanks for posting that Raven vs. Goldberg match. It’s been a while since I remembered that Raven used to be really good.
I think they should do a Behind-the-Titantron clip that shows Punk training because “being the Best In The World!!” means he has to repeatedly do hundreds of Macho Man-style elbow drops onto one of the jobbers on the roster. Practice makes perfect and all that.
I had goosebumps immediately after Ziggler/Bryan ended. Not because of the story of the ending (dude gets distracted and pinned), but the second-rope Zig-Zag had a great impact, and all I could think for a few seconds was, “Holy shit, this is a match that just happened.” Outstanding, incredible performance.
I made the top 10! Thank you Michael McGillicutty!
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that…
You’d have about 15 cents?
You don’t even KNOW me!
LOL Reese
“LUMBERS JACK”!? Of course! Why didn’t I think of that? >:(
I said it last night! Well, I asked what are the chances Brandon calls them lumbers jack, like 95%? And Brandon replied 100%.
I must have missed it in the 2500+ comments :(
it happens.
Thanks for the nod Brandon!
Now I can share my fan experience from last night. The crowd seemed off all night, and especially distracted during the main event because in the crowd there were guys walking around cosplaying as Hollywood Hogan, Flair, Savage and who I think was the Ultimate Warrior. The most important/annoying thing from last night was that I was sitting next to a hipster couple from either Brooklyn or Hoboken. Hipster girl brought a sign that just said “paul heyman” and kept asking where Sheamus was. Hipster boy, with the biggest gauges in his ear I’ve ever seen, spent the night yelling one of three things: “paul gayman”, “D’Lo Brown”, and “CM Junk”. And every time he shouted one of these three zingers, he looked over at me to see if I was laughing at his so called funny. Needless to say, ol Ric Chair demonstrated a lot of self restraint not punching these two in the throat.
I should also mention that the Hogan cosplayer stumbled down the aisle as he tried to cup the ear, in true Hogan fashion. Aside from the Bryan/Ziggler match, that was the highlight of my night
I need to find these hipsters, any hipsters from NYC I try to talk to about pro-graps mostly say things like “You know that’s fake, right?” or “No, I don’t want my windshield washed right now.”
Yea honestly I don’t think their wrestling knowledge extends further than “what happened last week”. I spent the night yelling out things people from the With Leather crowd would recognize but the mom in front of me just kept giving me the ice grill.
I miss y’all so much at live events because nobody gets anything I ever yell :(
So what are the chances of a community pool of with leatherites going in together for wrestlemania tickets. I mean like 50 or 60 of us
Holy close encounters Batman, I was in that same row only the other side. I was really upset that of all the things to do, Security kicked Star Man out for paying for a ticket and taking his seat in the nosebleed section and yet that ass with the “Paul Geyman” sign got to keep his sign the whole night.
Where’s the smallest arena that has a live wwe event? Every With Leather daddy needs to meet there, it’s our best chance of getting a “LAURINAITIS *clap clap clapclapclap*” chant or something going.
my neighbor’s sister makes $62 each hour on the pc. She has been while not work for 6 months however last month her financial gain was $19341 simply engaged on the pc for a couple of hours. browse additional on this web site lap10][.com
It sounds so easy! What’s the catch??
I’ve heard about it! It makes big companies hate the easy tips from local moms!
Wait just a minute… if jinkaz’s sister was making $62 each hour, for her to have made $19,341 in a month, she would need to be “simply engaged on the pc” for 10 hours a day with no days off, and not the “couple of hours” that jinkaz has suggested!
I’m starting to think there’s more to this than meets the eye… ¬_¬
What I took away from this is that people still talk to their neighbors.
I have a bad CREDDIT HISTORY ISH. Is this a factor?
papermint
“What are the chances of Bork Laser driving into the arena in a Jimmy Johns truck during a Ryback match and spraying him down with sandwiches from a high-power sandwich hose, thereby feeding him too much?”
This comment touches me ever-so. I fear my tears might stain my petticoat. *cheers*
Thank you Alex*. I really wish they would have more character-appropriate truck spraydowns. Plus I wish I had a Jimmy Johns hose IRL, because I am lazy and love sandwiches.
I just pictured Brock spraying Vince with the Jimmy Johns hose, and Vince trying to swim in it.
Vince: “HELP DAMMIT! I CAN’T SWIM IN SANDWICHES AS FAR AS I KNOW!”
JR: BAH GAWD, KING IS THAT A GARGANTUAN?
MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
Holy macaroni B-Stro. Did you listen to gangsta rap for 24 hours prior to writing this column? I’m only on page four, but, I feel like I’m reading the opinion of a bullied, pimply faced 14 year old kid who has a lot of angst at the world. . .
Do you want a hug? You’re so violent and mad in this column. I missed Raw. It doesn’t sound so bad from what I’ve read so far.
do what now
As I learned during my five years in Texas.. bless your heart, thatsamare.
Thanks for posting that Goldberg Raven match, Raven is so awful now that I had forgotten how great he used to be. And how crazy the old WCW crowds were. And how much I loved the flock, especially Kidman and his “I have fleas, or possibly a heroin addiction” gimmick. It was a much better time to be a fan of wrestling, to say the least.
Raven from about 96 to 98 was my favorite wrestler ever, his DDT is still my favorite of all time(sorry jake).
And then WCW destroyed his character forever with that “LOL JK i have been a millionaire the whole time” angle. The only good thing about that was Sandman as Mr. Wilson
Old WCW crowds rivaled the ECW maniacs. I remember going to a Nitro at Nassau Coliseum around 96/97 and the place was a zoo. So many ejections, fights and people tossing trash in the ring. Then we went to one in Philly and it was 3x as worse. Not crapping on Philly just sayin old WCW crowds were insane.
Oh man, I forgot the “spoiled rich kid” angle, or whatever it was. Go figure– Nitro-era WCW ruining a character. I *did* enjoy his “What about me?! What about Raven?!” period. I quoted that a lot.
One of my fondest wrestling memories of the 90s was ECW-era Raven. One of the best characters ever.
Yeah, I think a lot of people forget how cool Raven was back in his day. As a brooding teen during that era, Raven and Crow Sting were by far my two favorite wrestlers. He just had no chance to go anywhere in the political clusterfuck that WCW at the time.
So apparently Chris Jericho did an interview recently (yesterday or today, I don’t know), and says he believes Ryback absolutely should take the belt from Punk. He presents a good argument, but I still totally disagree.
That said, I feel like that’s where we’re headed.
I saw that too. It’s a reasonable point. I mean… why shouldn’t Ryback end his streak?
Of course, this would dramatically make more sense if Cena had not been sticking his injured elbow into a feud for the last month.
Honestly, I’m starting to come around to the idea. We piss and moan all the time about how no one new gets built up, and here’s a guy who’s being built up like nobody in a decade. You can only beat him for the first time one time, and that might be more meaningful if he has the belt than if he doesn’t.
That said, it would put an M-F’er of a wrench in the whole “Rock vs. Champ” at Royal Rumble, and my guess is they’ve got that story somewhat in place already. Last year they came up with a pretty damn creative ending for this show, and if they come up with something good enough, maybe they can maintain momentum without putting the belt on Ryback. But if they pull the trigger? He’s a superstar on Monday.
Yeah, if Rock wasn’t waiting at the Rumble, I’d see no *real* reason not to put the belt on Ryback (besides, of course, the fact that he’s a rookie, can’t even cut a promo, and hasn’t “earned” a WWE Title run yet).
But if they actually went through with Ryback vs. Rock, the crowd would NOT be behind Ryback. If they want to make the guy a superstar, great. Just don’t put him in the ring with a legitimate Superstar (capital ‘S’) yet.
Also, the longer Ryback’s streak continues, the bigger a deal it becomes. I think the sooner he loses, the better. Then he can just go about his business being an ass-kicker. If the streak goes on too long, it becomes bigger than he is.
My only problem with Ryback winning is there is no real catharsis to the Punk story. For the last two years, the story they are telling from Punk’s point of view and the primary antagonist of Punk’s story has been Cena and the WWE establishment. Storytelling is about catharsis and the story should come to an end in some form because of an encounter with Cena. For better or worse…
A Ryback victory would feel so much more epic if Punk had conquered Cena and could now legitimately claim that he’s the best in the world so when this new monster challenges him for the title and BEATS him, it feels like the most important thing ever.
With the story told as is if they put over Ryback on Sunday, it’s essentially the death of CM Punk as a WWE character. He might as well join Jericho on tour with Fozzy.
I would rather see Ryback’s band than Fozzy.
If Ryback doesn’t have a band I will volunteer to play bass for him and start one.
In his band, is Ryback likes the muppet Animal and plays drums? Or does he sing lead vocals but only in short phrases, and it’s more like screaming?
OR is it like the Romantics where he’s the drummer and the lead singer?
I was at RAW last night, and let me tell you, people other than me cheering for Rhodes Scholars and holding up Jack Swagger of Marth signs is just the best. Furthermore: unusually loud ADR pop was followed by no less than a dozen people near me discussing how difficult it would be to steal his car, so there’s Jersey for you.
Can someone give me some insight as to what wrestlemania tickets cost?
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS AND MILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
I walked right into that
She’s not that far off, though. Unless you want to sit in the far corners of the stadium. The price range I saw was from $35 to $850. But the article I read didn’t offer a breakdown of the different price tiers.
Lobster Mobster once again proves why he’s one of the best.
I’ll have you know, that lobster is female!
yeah! d-bates ain’t gonna try and mate/date with a dude lobster, sheesh bo-beesh
snip-snap!
I still think a with leather community wrestlemania pool would work
I miss so much wrestling by being at work that I’m like 90% out the door when it comes to watching it on a regular basis. With how they’re handling AJ’s character, it doesn’t feel like I’m missing much.
As a side note, Justin Gabriel looks like someone who would guest star on Teen Wolf or Once Upon a Time, which I am 100% OK with.
Re: Top 10 Comments – the judges have ruled that Joelski is disqualified because MANswers is a show on Spike. Try again next week, chum.
*fartsplosion!*
Can we resubmit our +1 comments that didn’t make the top ten? Because I am kind of proud of my “AJ five knuckle shuffling Cena” comment.
Haha, that’s a good ‘un redshirt.
Still BELIEVING IN MY DREAMS.
Had a real Chief Wiggum moment here, trying to read the belts and wondering what the hell the “snoidwaho” belts belonged to.
I hope this GM angle keeps bringing us more ridiculous titles every week. If they don’t name Otunga assistant to the traveling secretary I’m going to be pissed.
Has Raw ever had a “groundskeeper”? I think they should have a “groundskeeper”.
MAKE ROOM FOR WILLIE!
Sigh… the Mexicools. They rode a tractor. Stupid racist wrestling.
If Vickie is now Managing Supervisor, does that make Dolph “ASSistant Managing Supervisor”?
Yes. Yes it does.
ASSistant to the Managing Supervisor, big diff
Is that a rolling position?
You better believe it, Lester!
Dolph Ziggler is horrified that AJ was fraternizing with WWE Superstars while GM.
The new GM (“Managing Supervisor,” big whoop – wanna fight about it?) is Vickie Guerrero, who fraternizes with Dolph Ziggler.
The next thing you know, Jern Cena, who has routinely joked that heels wearing pink are secret homosexuals will have pink merchand…
Guess Jericho was right – they really are all hypocrites. Well, except Ryback. He’s a Hungry, Hungry Hippocrite.
When John isn’t champion, he just interjects himself and takes over other people’s storylines/relationships. Soon as he loses the belt, he cuts into Zack Ryder’s storyline with Eve and basically runs that into the ground (hey, it really helped Zack’s career!).
Oh well…hey, is CM Punk feuding with John Laurinaitis? That looks like fun! Thanks Punk, but John will take it from here! Fuck it making any sense!
Alright, what’s next? Hey, Punk and Bryan got some pretty good momentum out of having an on-screen interaction/relationship with AJ. Only thing that could top that? You guessed it: Replacing CM Punk and Daniel Bryan with JEEEEEEEERN CENA!!!!
“Your time is up, my time is now. I got a non-title storyline and you’re cryin’ now!”
That, sir, was an aces “Kill Bill” allusion.
Also, it warms my cockles that Mason Ryan was in a “Best” paragraph.
I saw as one of the Lumbers, and it took me a minute to recognize him. Once I did, I was glad to see him on Raw looking as physically imposing as ever.
And moving with all the grace of an arthritic, priapetic Golem.
Thanks for the Top 10 nod, Brandon. Its nice to get the comment done early in the show so I don’t have to panic and start making “witty” hail mary comments in the last 30 minutes of the show.
Also, AJ is the saddest story of this year. As soon as they annouced her as GM and she came out as Steph 2.0, I knew this was going to end up like a car chase with Biff Tannen (crashing into a pile of shit). And it doesn’t look good now that she is going to play morality pet to John Cena. I blame Linda McMahon. She running for Senate and she doesn’t want someone to play a cute and psycho character on TV.
This is why the fandom can’t have nice things!
“Witty” hail mary comments is the only game I play…
Was it my imagination or during Cena’s ramblings did he refer to Hell in A Cell as Hell in THE Cell several times?
‘Twasn’t your imagination. Vince did it too!
So I don’t understand the Cesaro/Gabriel match. It’s a rematch from last week, but this time Gabriel wins cleanly. Are they building for a feud? Planning to put the belt on Gabriel? If so, why?
What don’t you understand? They had a match, then they had another. One guy won the first one, the other guy won the second one. Now they have a third match to decide who’s the better wrestler. That’s pretty straight-forward and easy to enjoy, isn’t it? Not everything needs to be kidnapping wives and destroying tour buses.
Just that Gabriel’s been jobbing a lot lately, seems weird he’d win over Cesaro. He’s one of those guys who would have been fed to Brodus not too long ago, and here he’s beating someone who beat Brodus pretty easily.
You’re right about the whole non-title thing though, maybe that’s why this feels so weird to me. Gabriel should be the U.S. Champ now.
I kinda like the whole best-two-out-of-three thing they do for championships now. I mean, if Creative is so afraid that the audience will think a babyface is a total loser if he can’t beat a heel at least once, then might as well use it for the storyline. It’s better than having one/two month reigns like Cena and Orton did for a while with each other.
Hey now that I think about it, did Tyson Kidd get 3 matches?
Also I guess I zoned out and missed the whole “2 out of 3″ thing in the first place -_-
Oh, there is no 2-out-of-3 rule officially. It’s just how I illogically refer to a champion losing a non-title match to his future contender. I like the concept because you should only be champion if can consistently beat your similarly able opponent/s, otherwise all that happens is pointlessly short and fluffed reigns.
Also, Tyson only had the one match with (U.S. Champion) Antonio on October 8th’s Raw. I’m sure he’ll get a shot someday.
Cole also did a decent job of playing up Cesaro’s injury. Sure it didn’t really figure into the match but he wasn’t at %100
LMAO’d at Jack Swagger’s awkward “Do YOU bite?”…
I loved that he Vader Bombed the fly.
I think when it comes down to the perfect couples costume, the logic behind Mr & Mrs BS; costumes is absolutley fanfuckingtastic. You know there’s gonna be some work put into these.
Always good stuff, brandon
If I may, 2 questions to for anyone gracious enough to answer-
First, this sunday im planning on ordering my first PPV (especially since im apparently not spending all that money on center ice) since around 2000/2001, but first, how long do these typically go? HIAC says it starts at 8 ET but I’d have to leave for work at 10 (yes, work.)
Second- yikes, 45 bucks
PPVs that start at 8 usually end just before 11. Also, I am not publicly advocating this but the Internet can be your friend re: not paying for PPV
Wow, I’m suddenly off sunday night.
And I have no qualms dropping the $45, linda’s going to be broke come 11/6 (can only imagine what its like watching tv in ohio right now) so I assume I can deduct it as a charitable donation, so everybody wins
Live in England. We get most of our PPV’s free. But I still watch them online. #FuckThePolice
JSoM just keeps getting better and better! Thanks Brandon.
And the rest of the crew for bringing the awesome. You guys are the reason I watch live instead of starting halfway through and DVRing the crap parts.
It’s been killing me that I haven’t been able to watch live the last few weeks. Everyone here is awesome.
*Kaitlyn holds Eve back, gets close to her face, and whispers into her left ear to “drop the little nice girl act”*
C’mon, I have to be one of several who blacked out from the hotness of that moment.
Right?
I really enjoyed how the main thread of the show flowed.
Raw starts with Rhodes Scholar becoming #1 contenders for the tag team titles > Hell No dissing them while still being dysfunctional > Hell No’s dysfunction costing DBry his awesome singles match > Kane’s match with World Heavyweight Championship #1 contender Big Show > Rhodes Scholar showing up for enough distraction to allow Show to Rocket Punch Kane into oblivion > Rhodes Scholar taking out DBry & standing tall over the champs, ending the tag team title intrigue for the night as the main event approaches > WHC Sheamus vs. WWE Champ CM Punk lumbersjack match > Big Show interfering allowing the WWE Champ to steal the win > #1 contender for the WWE Championship The Ryback showing up to Ryback the WWE Champ for the comeuppance/momentum to end the show.
Everything else was pretty okay-to-FUCK YOU WWE, as usual. But that was the first time I’ve really noticed a the story actually build from the beginning of the show to the end so effortlessly like that (or possibly at all), and I was very impressed. It didn’t hurt that it was almost entirely wrestling-focused and nearly all the wrestling was good-to-great, but yeah. Do more of that, WWE.
I was such an idiot in 1998. I hated that Raven Goldberg match because I hearted Raven because ECW and Workrate and hated Goldberg because he wasnt that. Man, Id like to go punch 1998 me in the pancreas. And all of 1998 me’s friends for that matter for taking down a dark path. Also, because those guys were mostly dicks.
How Kaitlyn got a snapshot of Eves Ipad was established on Smackdown, so if anything: Continuity!
And yay for “Look around you”-references…
Loved this week and last week’s reports, Brandon. I can’t wait to see that costume and I’m glad someone else is noticing how good McGillicutty has gotten. I teach near his hometown and have had one of his cousins in class. Good people.
Did you write about the Prime Time Players last week? I think someone needs to tell Titus O’Neil that a Rydeen Bomb naturally lands in a pin. On second thought, don’t because it is hilarious watching him take five seconds to crawl out of it into a pin.
I bet Lance Storm loves Titus O’Neil matches.
Serious question, if John Cena : Owl City :: ? : Postal Service …
Who did John Cena completely rip off to be famous?
♪ I’d like to make myself believe
That yooooouuuuuuu can’t seeee meeee♪
Blah blah hate Cena blah blah hate Sheamus blah blah hate Kofi blah blah Daniel Bryan is the best… this column is getting awfully tedious to read. But it’s still way better than most wrestling columns.
Damn it Brandon, stop pointing out the shitty parts of RAW. Next week 5 pages on Kaitlyn’s beautiful hair or we riot.
Not that I find the column tedious, but I’d say the reason some points get repeated is because the product itself gets rehashed weekly. If every time he’s out there, Sheamus is doing something repugnant, it stands to reason that Brandon would disclose his opinion on it. And unless he’s actually wrestling, Sheamus is probably doing something repugnant.
Er… I stopped saying this every week a while ago because it was getting redundant and there are only so many ways for one person to say “I loved the column!” but I loved the column, Brandon. Consistently funny and insightful and gosh darn it even thought-provoking. And you actually explain yourself so even when I don’t agree about something, I can still see where you’re coming from. You’re a good writer and you make me laugh every week and you reference things that are stored away in my brain and I rarely if ever get to use. So thank you and I think that White guy is nuts.
If it helps, the first year or so of the column was in defense of Cena, I’m always complimentary of what Sheamus does in the ring and Daniel Bryan IS the best, so
like, what do you want me to talk about? Chikara? Because I can do that.
Talk about Chikara! – us
okay – Brandon
More! – us
oh, and Lester is correct, white dudes are crazy.
I give this comment a **1/2 rating
Thank you for not outright just hating AJ. Thank you for understanding this story line has made no sense and seems to have done nothing but damage her in the eyes of… wrestling fans? This column? It’s been damaging. And thank you for not being overjoyed that her absence makes way for Vickie because this means that things will be better, like AJ was actually booking or some such. It’s been a bad situation because that shoe I was waiting for has finally dropped and we’re in Hoski Territory. I’m kind of hoping they just put her on the back burner for awhile, give her a “comic book death” and then let her come back in a few months with some new ideas and an Octopus finisher.
Also, thank you for introducing me to Shining Wizardo so now I have awesome music about wrestling! Their songs just about saved me during the AJ QUITS BECAUSE OF BOYS segment.
Octopus finisher! Hell yes!
People Power Never Forget Big Johnny…
I always feel like I’m too late to posting on these, but if anyone in the NY area is interested, I know of a pub in Manhattan (Jack Demsey’s) that hosts free PPV screenings (and has a meetup group that attends). If any of you want to go, I’d be up for hanging out with people that read with leather occasionally.
There’s also another bar where you can reserve tables, so if we really want to do a meetup, we can do it there (plus, Halloween costume contest for either $100 or possibly tickets to TLC).
Aren’t we all going to Bateman’s pad for HIAC? Page him for the deats.
I’m actually seriously considering going to TLC since I live pretty damn close to Barclays. However, I’ve read about Demsey’s and I’d like to go, but I have a sincere aversion to sports bars and the sort of clientele that attend. Let’s just say that the way I “look” is enough to send some of them into a feverish rage (despite my appearance being pretty damn mild in comparison to most ‘gentrificating*’ Brooklynites.
*Yeah, I know it’s not a word.
In dark times such as these, it is important to look back, so that we may once again look forward with our hope renewed:
youtu(dot)be/PF21NLkonrw
Okay so I’m sure one of you all probably posted this (it’s a few weeks old) but I TOTALLY MISSED IT and I stumbled on it by accident today and WHAT THE FLIP. It’s snoop dog singing about hot pockets and yes it is wrestling related but you have to watch almost the entire thing, which made me feel like I was hallucinating. [youtu(dot)be]
I’ll see that and raise you Mef rapping about Sour Patch Kids [www.youtube.com]
Imagine if during the Manifest Destiny Brock Lesnar run-in during the Hell In A Cell Match, Brock hits the F5 on Ryback and he just COMPLETELY no sells it and beats Punk anyway. That would go a huge way in making a new superstar too.
I’m intrigued about the “Manifest Destiny”. Was it an auto-complete attempt at “main event”, or is “manifest destiny” the new cool slang that I’m woefully behind on?
Yeah, but that would kill Brock’s heat. Vince won’t go for that.
@LobsterMobster It’s not “new” slang but I am implying that the likelihood of Lesnar interfering this match on Sunday is assured as if it were “Manifest Destiny”
@KrilDog Yeah, it won’t happen but you could look at this way. Who is more likely to be still here in five years? Brock or Ryback?
The “Who Attacked Kaitlyn” mystery/conspiracy would’ve been solved a lot sooner had they let Jesse Ventura investigate it from the start.
Also, it was thermite paint that attacked Kaitlyn.
Wait a minute, what’s happening at the Pre-Show?
From an interview with James Dean Bradfield of the Manic Street Preachers:
Have you seen WWE Wrestler Wade Barrett’s tattoo?
“I’ve heard about Wade Barrett, yes. He’s got a Culture, Alienation, Boredom And Despair tattoo hasn’t he?”
He certainly has. It’s a beautiful tattoo but so incongruous.
“Right well let’s just put this out there – if you’re listening Wade Barrett we will do your fucking theme tune – just get in touch. That would be the ultimate Situationist, bizarrist spectacle wouldn’t it? Us being played over the airwaves in some Enormodome in front of 20,000 mad Yanks in Colorado somewhere…”
o_o
He grew up near where they’re from in South Wales.
Awesome halloween costumes! I’m going wrestling theme too! Macho Man Randy Savage!
I really want to see Ryback win the championship. Not because I hate CM Punk (if anything, his pro-atheism on Twitter, even if a bit dickish at times, has revived my respect for him), but because it could lead to two possibly good story-lines that I’ve been mulling over.
The first would be: The next night on Raw, after Ryback defeats Punk at HIAC, Punk makes a hostile and vocal attempt to get a rematch. However, Vince comes out and squashes it. Says Punk has held it long enough (even though that’s no fucking reason to deny him a rematch, but trust me, it works with what’s going to happen), and tells him to get back in line. Punk puts up a fight and thus, Cena comes out. Cena tells Vince that he should make a #1 Contenders Match featuring him and Punk. McMahon does this, and even makes it No DQ. Thus, Cena defeats Punk (either dirty, like when he taped Batista’s feet to the ring-post, or clean, which would be predictable and boring but whatever).
Cena then puts on a show of good sportsmanship and tells Ryback that he’s honored to fight him (or whatever hackneyed, uncompelling line an uncompelling character like Cena would say) and they go through the motions to make the match happen. However, in a surprising turn of events, Ryback defeats Cena clean at a PPV and retains. This does not sit well with Cena.
The following night, both Cena and McMahon confront Ryback in the ring. McMahon makes the case that, even though he’s happy for him, Ryback should do the “what’s right for business.” In this case, what’s right is to forfeit his title to Cena. McMahon argues the fans want Cena to be champion, and his reign is essential for success. Cena, shockingly, concurs. He argues that Ryback wouldn’t be where he is without Cena shilling for him (like adopting his catchphrase), and that he deserves to be champion because it’s his title. He points out the belt was designed by him, and that Ryback wouldn’t be holding it if it weren’t for him.
This, of course, turns Cena slightly villainous. I say slightly because I’m sure many troglodytes in the audience would agree with him. McMahon then hands the mic over to Ryback who emphatically says no. This sends McMahon into a rage, who screams something like, “GIVE ME THAT DAMN BELT OR YOURRRR FIIIIRREEED.” Ryback refuses once again, leading Cena to attack him. This brings out Punk who aids Ryback, despite losing to him.
What this does is finally gives Cena some character depth. Sure, he’s doing good things for sick kids and gives pointers to up-and-comers (even though that has nothing to do with what goes on in that ring), but he’s in it for one thing: to be top dawg.* It opens the doors to what Brandon suggested, in that Vince McMahon is actually coddling Cena because he’s afraid he’ll lose everything if he doesn’t appease him.
CM Punk could return to his “Summer of Punk” roots because, even though he lost to Ryback after a much heated rivalry, the sort of chicanery going on with Cena and McMahon is more important to battle than Ryback holding a championship. And, of course, Ryback becomes the ultimate good guy. He kicks ass, he takes names, and he wins because of it. The crowd happens to love him, not because he panders, but because he has earned his spot. With Cena trying to maintain dynasty, it helps the crowd sympathize with Ryback more.
So, Cena can finally turn heel, and Ryback can go to face him in a strong rivalry that Ryback should win.
Now, if it all hypothetically goes to plan, and Ryback wins, in comes the next challenge. See, for Ryback to be taken seriously, his opponents need to be taken even more seriously. Cena is already a serious threat and contender, with his Corporation-esque backing firmly in place notwithstanding (although it doesn’t hurt). Defeating Cena would mean Ryback’s uber-powerful, but then who could challenge Ryback?
This leads to the second story arch… See, I don’t really want to see Lesnar fight Ryback. I think it’d be cool, and I think they do deserve to face-off at some point, but I think the impact would be bigger for wrestling fans if it were someone else. Say, a World’s Strongest Man?
Imagine it. Ryback finally defeats Cena, and he’s celebrating in-ring, when “WOAH! HEY! WOAH! HEY! WOAH! HEY! WOAH! HEY! SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET THEIR ASS KICKED!” blasts through the arena. Imagine the collective “OH SHIT” for like a second. That’d be so crazy. A very-game Mark Henry stands stoically at the top of the ramp, and makes his way to the ring. The two stand, face-to-face. Some refs and officials run to the ring and nervously try to separate the two. Henry starts screaming† insanely amped-up and angry things at Ryback, causing Ryback to disperse the refs, isolating two of them, and giving them a double Shell-Shock. This implores Henry to give the same refs a double World’s Strongest Slam. The PPV ends on them staring each other down.
Now, if all that sucks, and it’s really shitty, I’ll accept it. But, as someone who never writes out scenarios like that, I think it’d be a great route to take. It’s compelling because of the implied challenge involved. Ryback beats Cena, that’s a big deal. Henry comes to face Ryback, which already transforms Henry into an even larger deal, which he deservers.
Plus, I’m a total fucking mark and I’d just go crazy on all fronts.
What do y’all think?
* I imagine Cena actively says “dawg.”
† Mark Henry should always scream bloody rage-filled murder during his promos from now on. It’s one of the reasons why he sold me so much on his much missed championship reign of terror.
Terrific.