Best: Let’s Start Every Raw With A Boss Tag Team Match, Please
Rey Mysterio returned from a near-fatal bout of T-shirts Disease to open the show as part of the tag team number one contenders tournament finals, and now I’m going to react to the next six months of show-opening CM Punk promos with COME ON JERKS WHY SPEND THIS 20 MINUTES HAVING A GREAT TAG TEAM MATCH, GAWD etc.
It was simple, effective storytelling. WWE’s been pushing the importance of tag teams recently, so it makes sense that the team who stayed healthy and got a non-tournament win last week to stay warm would take it. Think about it — Rey getting sick cost his team momentum. They didn’t even wear the matching gear they’d been rocking for the first 3/4 of the tournament. Sandow and Rhodes didn’t have to pull any dirty tricks to get the win, they simply stuck to their isolate-and-destroy gameplan, didn’t take any unnecessary risks and trusted each other. Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow need to be tag team partners forever, because Christ, how hard must it be to find a physical and intellectual peer in WWE? Cody Rhodes used to team with Bob f**king Holly. His next partner pretended to be rich, but loved wearing camouflage and “goin’ muddin’”. He needs to sit in the tag division with Sandow and wait for Godot whether the dude ever shows up or not.
I know everyone is into the idea of a Rey Mysterio versus Sin Cara match at WrestleMania so they can break the masks record or whatever (I’m bringing my Saturyne mask just in case), but I hope they allow Car Stereo to regroup after this loss and team a little more before they split. One of the cool parts of this match is that either team winning would give us something great for Hell In A Cell. If Rhodes Scholar won, we get the obvious cool heels versus wacky babyfaces thing. If Car Stereo won it’d be just as good, because Kane and Mysterio work together well, Kane vs. Sin Cara would be hilarious on several levels and Daniel Bryan is good enough at wrestling to make Sin Cara look like Mistico. Plus, Daniel Bryan versus Rey Mysterio is a thing I need in my life.
Best: The Crowd Chanting A Rhodes Scholar Pinfall
No, seriously, watch that video. Cody Rhodes drops Mysterio with +Rhodes and covers, and the crowd chants ONE, TWO, THREE~ along with the ref. For the smarmy bad guys. This happened for three reasons:
1. It was the first match of Raw, so the crowd still loved being live for pro wrestling and hadn’t yet been beaten down with 2 hours and 45 minutes of in-ring promos and commercial breaks.
2. It was really good, and sometimes by the end of a good match you don’t care so much about who wins, you’re just happy to have seen a really good wrestling match.
3. Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow are cool. Think about it. Who’s on top of WWE right now? An aging dorky guy in jorts and Breast Cancer Awareness clothes. A stressful, abrasive guy in a hoodie with no pants with a below average man’s physique. A guy so white they call him GREAT WHITE who plays with toys on Raw and can’t speak without sounding like the type who’d crack up at your forwarded list of lawyer jokes. Look at the undercard. A guy with a funny accent who wears a snake puppet on his arm. A guy with a YouTube show who calls himself the Internet Champion. A guy who talks to an invisible child. Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow are smart, physically fit pro wrestlers who win matches with violence and cunning instead of cowardice and shortcuts and don’t give a f**k what the trogs in the WWE Universe think about them. Out of all of those people, who would you most like to be?
Best: A Sneak Preview Of My Halloween Costume
I don’t want to reveal too much until the costumes are finished, but there are only so many people in the world who’d get excited about this, so here’s a sneak preview of my Halloween costume.
Yes, it’s a couples costume. Yes, Destiny’s dressing up like you think she is.
Worst: At Hell In A Cell This Sunday, CM Punk Will Be Compromised To A Permanent End
I need another John Cena promo like I need an asshole right here:
I love that even the WWE Fan Nation video labels it as “John Cena explains giving Ryback an opportunity to face CM Punk”. He doesn’t. No amount of explaining can logically justify Cena battling back from surgery and passionately demanding the match at Hell In A Cell only to stop when the contract’s in front of him on a clipboard on a table in the ring without retconning it completely or giving Cena a social depth he absolutely does not have. If Cena had said, “I think I’m going to be medically cleared next week, but if I go slamming into a cage a week after that I could be out for a lot longer, so I need to take it easy for a few months and just pin Miz or whatever so let me send the most dangerous dude I can find after this guy who pissed me off,” that would’ve been something. What he actually said was, “please buy Ryback brand hot dogs”. That’s it.
What does he even say? He says Punk tells the truth, but that everything Punk has said is false, because the only real avenue of change is putting the strap on the most muscular guy he can find. That’s not change, bro, that’s the status quo. Didn’t you wrestle Batista like 7,000 times? You should know this.
Ryback works (like Goldberg originally worked) because he doesn’t spend 20 minutes explaining himself at the top of every Raw, he just comes out and picks up two guys at once and kills them, says his catch phrase a bunch and bails. How funny is it that they’ve commandeered John Cena to be Ryback’s 20-minute promo? We don’t need Cena going RYBACK IS THE MORNING AND THE EVE-A-NING STAR and pointing a dramatic finger a la Cooper Anderson, we need Ryback showing up to repeatedly maim folks and properly pick up Tensai. That’s it.
Best, Briefly: Raw Is McGillicutty!
I’ll save the Kofi KingStans reading another expository paragraph they’ll skip and say that I enjoyed the what, 70-ish seconds Michael McGillicutty was on Raw. If you watched the post-Conor O’Brian, pre-Seth Rollins NXT Redemption you’ll know that Gilly has been working his ass off to get as good IN the ring as David Otunga is OUT of it. The crowd still doesn’t get who he is because he isn’t flipping a towel behind his back, but he’s precisely the hand you want in the ring to make your Intercontinental Champion look like he could beat somebody in a fight.
By the way, Trouble In Paradise is now officially just Starship Pain. Kofi either misses by a foot and kicks the air in front of them (like he did last night … in theory he should’ve been kicking hard enough to move McGillicutty’s hands backwards, hitting him in the face and allowing everything to look like its supposed to) or he kicks through their skull like he’s trying to connect a foot behind them. But yeah, no, Kofi Kingston’s awesome.