Best: Rhodes Scholar With The Great WCW Saturday Night Heel Tag Team Victory
It’s not particularly fun for a young WWE fan to watch a heel tag team dissect a less talented face (I guess?) team en route to a decisive victory, but it’s necessary. If we don’t have matches like Rhodes Scholar vs. PERM where one team is just clearly better than the other and beats them with clean, actual wrestling and wrestling moves (which we don’t, really), it negates the drama of said team picking apart, dissecting and controlling a much more popular team.
For example, if Rhodes Scholar has Rey Mysterio down in their corner and are beating him up, you and I know that they’re gonna beat him up for a couple of minutes and then he’ll make the hot tag to Sin Cara, and they’ll do the finish or whatever. However, if we’ve seen several examples of Rhodes Scholar doing that isolate/maim thing to other tag teams, there’s a chance they’ll just do it to Rey, and the hot tags and standard tag team stuff we’re used to might not happen. The illusion of danger.
That’s what wrestling’s about, isn’t it? Sometimes you can’t have it a certain way and make everyone care without doing all the necessary shit that builds the foundation for it to BE that way and for everyone to care. Give the heels true credibility — don’t just SAY they’re credible and hope we believe you — and they can give face teams who wrestle them credibility by proxy. That’s how it works. Now when the USA Guy shows up to take back the United States Championship from the dreaded Antonio Cesaro, it’ll really mean something. YES, THAT IS A THING THAT SHOULD HAPPEN. I KNOW YOU’RE READING ME, WWE.
So this was my favorite match on the show. Two wrestlers I love defeating their opponents because they’re great at wrestling, and not because they’re cowards, or whatever.
Worst: Rey Mysterio’s Wellness Violation
Hey, being sick with the flu is a wellness violation. It violates your wellness. Shut up.
By the way, funny people follow me on Twitter, and one of them came up with a much better name for Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio.
Perfect.
Best: The Miz Pretends To Be Brandon
For everyone who asked, yes, I wrote The Miz’s dialogue for Miz TV. They changed a lot of it, though, and cut out a big paragraph from the middle. Insert this into the part where Miz is telling Kofi all he’s ever done is say three sentences, play second fiddle in a string of forgettable tag teams and do nothing of note greater than palling around with Larry King:
“I tell people that you’re terrible all the time, and they’re always like, ‘oh, what do you mean, Kofi’s really good!’ And I have to explain to them that you do cruiser offense, and that wrestling fans on the Internet have become conditioned to think that only ‘hoss’ wrestlers are bad. They don’t really have a perspective for bad cruiserweight wrestling other than ‘botches,’ so they don’t notice that all your chops make Shawn Michaels look like Kenta Kobashi, you move away from your opponent as you’re striking so it makes it look like it hurts even less, you barely touch them most of the time, your finishes and signature moves take forever to set up and feature you dancing and yelling things more than fighting people, or that all you do is jump, and you don’t even jump WELL, you just jump high. Remember the last five WrestleManias where you were the ‘jumping’ guy in ladder matches, or you spent all weekend beating Ashley Massaro or whoever at video games because the most important thing on your plate was ‘battle royale w/ everybody’? Remember when you were supposed to be Jamaican, and suddenly you were from Africa, and the joke was that you were too shitty to remember your fake accent and someone backstage noticed, but nobody cared BECAUSE YOU’RE KOFI KINGSTON? Remember how you were only Jamaican in the first place because you’re black and have dreadlocks and our bosses don’t know how races work? Remember when your logo was a SMILING BLACK FACE, ALSO because our bosses don’t know how races work? Have you noticed that your entrance them is still faux-reggae, even though you’ve been African for like 2 1/2 years? Actually, forget this, where’s John Morrison? Somebody bring John Morrison onto MizTV. I would legitimately rather talk to John Goddamn Morrison than you, Kofi. YOU ARE TERRIBLE, GOODBYE FOREVER”
and then I wrote “THEN MIZ SKULL-CRUSHINGLY FINALES HIM ONTO A BED OF NAILS AND KOFI IS CARRIED AWAY BY HORNSWOGGLE AND NEVER SEEN AGAIN. HIS SKELETOR TRUNKS ARE GIVEN TO EVAN BOURNE”. It was pretty good. Also, Maryse shows up at the end for some reason.
Worst: So, Uh, Hey Kofi, About That “Main Event”
After Jim Ross spends a few minutes finding every polite way possible to say “Kofi hasn’t really tried hard, and he’s managed to screw up everything,” Kofi does this:
Pretty excited to see Kofi Kingston as a part of Aces & Eights*!
*I’m kidding if you couldn’t tell, but “WWE wrestler goes to TNA and gets a funny ‘almost name’, like Bubba Ray Dudley becoming Brother Ray Deadly” is outdated, so “WWE wrestler goes to TNA and is revealed as a part of Aces & Eights because TNA values WWE garbage over homegrown talent” is still timely and hilarious. Congratulations to new tag team champion Chavo Guerrero!
Jack Swagger Of Mars
Chapter 28
From inside the cool, adobe hut, Jack Swagger could hear the crystalline chirping of the marsfrog. He stretched out on the makeshift cot, feet crossed, arms behind his head, and thought about how he’d finally found the solitude he’d been searching for when he landed the U.S.S. Rhadamanthus on the surface of this Godforsaken planet so long ago. “Why didn’t they come up with a better name for a frog on Mars than ‘marsfrog’,” he also thought.
The stars had shifted when Jack finally pulled himself up and gazed out through the window. The valley’s lonesome winds and whistles echoed. He thought about the first time he’d seen the red sands. His first big, Frankenstein-stye steps and push-ups on the planetary crust. The first time he thought he was going to die. The first time he saw Kaa’orri. The descent into the great city, and again, Kaa’orri.
“Give ME a BRAYKE,” he bemoaned, turning gruffly and dropping to his butt against the wall of his new home, his new lonely, lonely home, so far from everything he’d known. He ran his hands through his perfectly manicured 1950s hair-do and sighed. He wasn’t going to think about her again. This is what he’d chosen for himself. She chose to stay with them. She didn’t believe in him. Why should she? He didn’t still believe in him.
Silence. For so long. Yes, this is what he’d wanted all along. Time to think.
“Son.”
A familiar voice broke through the void.
“Y’there?”
Jack Swagger looked up from his pitiful position to see the face of WWE Hall Of Fame announcer Jim Ross, taking the form of a tiny, backlit square on the bed across the room.
“JEE-um ROTH?” Jack ask-yelled.
“How y’been, son?”
Jack climbed to his feet and dusted off his singlet. He didn’t want the man who’d discovered him at the University of Oklahoma to see him moping about all the stuff that’d happened to him on Mars.
“Oh-wahm fine, Jim,” Jack lied. “Juth PEACHY. Doin’ GRATE.”
“I was worried about ya. Heard creative didn’t have anything for ya and y’ran off like a scalded dog.”
“Yea-uh, wellll…” Jack trailed off.
“Heard they were lookin’ for ya. Sent some scouts out lookin’ for ya, scouts like the late Jack Brisco. Said they couldn’t FIND ya. Mr. McMahon heard you were on damn Mars.”
“I TOLD A.J. Lee that I wath taking an exthended time off from dub-dub-e,” he answered. “I didn’t exaggly ‘run off’.”
“Jack, you know A.J. is just a television character, right? She’s not yer actual boss.”
Jack’s eyes blinked.
“oh for the LOVE OF GOD,” Good ol’ J.R. continued. “Somebody stop the damn call!”
“Jim I’ve seeen things, things on Marth, people and things.” He started to cut a promo about Mars, but realized it would be f**king terrible. “I juth don’t want to go back. People don’t want me there.” He paused, then looked away. “People don’t want me anywhere.”
“Are you KIDDIN’ me,” Jim exclaimed. “You’ve been a BLUE CHIPPER since I met you back in Oklahoma Boomer Sooner! Since when are you not worth nothin’? YER A DUBYA DUBYA E SUPERSTAR!”
“That doethen’t MEAN anything, JIM,” Jack screamed. “NOT ON MARTH.”
“Son, listen.” Jim removed his 10-gallon hat. “Remember all the good times we had? Remember travelin’ the world with dubya-dubya-E?”
Jack nodded. He did remember it. Those long trips were what prepared him for his journey to Mars. Had he not traveled to every destination on the globe, perhaps he would’ve chosen Siberia instead of Mars. Or the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Or worse, TNA Impact Wrestling.
“Remember all the special people y’met?”
Jack smiled. He remembered meeting Miss Piggy, and how he’d made her feel badly. He remembered meeting the third lead from Hot Tub Time Machine, the one with the glasses. He remembered the sick children he’d met at Make-A-Wish who’d frowned at him, then buried their faces in their mothers’ stomachs, asking where John Cena was. He remembered Kaa’orri. No, she wasn’t there.
“Remember all the GOOD TIMES y’had?”
Jack began to laugh. He remembered when Tommy Dreamer stopped him from attacking Chase Stevens, and how unimportant that seemed. He remembered cashing in the Money In The Bank briefcase on Chris Jericho, winning the World Heavyweight Championship, then getting himself intentionally disqualified to retain that title against The Big Show on a pay-per-view somebody paid 50 bucks to watch and had long forgotten about. He laughed hard, and remembered the picnic he’d shared under the Martian fireflies with Kaa’orri. No, not her.
“It’s all gotta be worth somethin’, right? Otherwise yer a long tailed cat in a room fulla rockin’ chairs, or a government mule workin’ in the OBAMA administration.” Jim took a moment to write that down, because people at work would love it. “Remember when ya had dreams? Yer livin’ ‘em, right now!”
Jack closed his eyes. When he opened them, he was back in the WWE locker room, standing with his shoulder to a television monitor, watching Dolph Ziggler wrestle. He looked over his shoulder to see Vickie Guerrero standing there with her hand on his shoulder. He looked forward and saw Santino Marella trying to drink a milkshake with his snake hand. NO HE DIDN’T, HE DIDN’T SEE ANYT OF THAT, JACK SWAGGER IS ON F**KING MARS.
“MARTH!” he shouted, suddenly.
“You awright, son? I was just about t’tell ya about business, and the ways y’could pick it up…”
Jack Swagger closed his eyes again, and saw Mars for the first time. Jim Ross was right. He was living his dreams. He couldn’t let himself imagine Kaa’orri because he didn’t have to … she was here, on Mars, living a life alongside his, and she needed his help.
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I read the first page. I already know this is Alex *’s favourite B/W ever.
!
“- We’ve got an exclusive interview with EVE TORRES going up tomorrow on With Leather (no joke), so if you read this column, make sure you check back for it on Wednesday. It’s going to be real.”
*DIES!*
yep!
Please send her my love.
turn this into a live chat and, well I don’t want to imagine what will happen..
you’re gonna name your kid EVE/EVO, right?
Alexander ’cause boy. But if we were having a girl…
that’s why I said EVO *
Also, let her know that if she ever needs to practice her triangle choke, I volunteer. I only want her to be the best and most technically sound wrestler she can be. I’d be doing it all for her.
Upon further review, Evo * sounds like the coolest name ever.
and upon further further review, Evo Alexander * * (or is it Evo* Alexander* ?) sounds even more cooler
In all seriousness, a combination of extreme boredom during my commute and a Tumblr app, has led to the creation of a Detective Agency on the Bus page. In no way is this designed to be a competitor to JSoM, I just don’t draw so good.
busdetectives (dot) tumblr (dot) com.
EVERYONE SHOULD READ THESE AND DO ALL SORTS OF TUMBLER THINGS TO GET THIS POPULAR, IT IS GREAT.
GAH!
*DIES AGAIN*
She looked like trouble and said she needed help, but she didn’t have exact change, so the driver said she couldn’t get on the bus. THE DAME WITHOUT A DIME
A bunch of smelly hobos knocked Detectives John and Alex down before they could get on the bus. Now they’ve only got two stops to figure out who’s really behind THE BUMS RUSH
She lit up a cigarette and started to tell the Detectives how scared for her life she was, and how much she needed their protection. Then the driver saw and yelled that there’s no smoking and made her get off. WHERE THERE’S SMOKE, YOU’RE GETTING KICKED OFF THE BUS
That schlub just two rows ahead keeps loudly singing along to the music he’s got on his iPod. Can Detectives John and Alex get THE PALOOKA WHO LIKES POLKA to keep it down for the remainder of the ride? Seriously, there’s a lady with a sleeping baby, ya jerk.
(This is way fun, I will have to contribute more, even though mine are the worst!)
↑Awesomesauce!
An unruly passenger keeps getting on the bus, screaming, then running off. Can Bus Detectives John and Alex figure out who’s behind the yelling attacks in SHOUT-BOUND TRAFFIC before everyone gets really bad hearing damage?
On a rare day off, Bus Detectives Alex and John are planning on spending the day at an amusement park, but feel compelled to pay for an elderly grandmother’s way onto the bus to do her grocery shopping. Unfortunately, that leaves them with NO FARE FOR THE FAIR.
Bus Detective John gets captured by goons and stuffed in the trunk of a car with a distinctive exhaust. Now Bus Detective Alex has to hope he’s got enough money to switch from bus to bus in order to keep up with the TELL-TALE TAIL PIPE.
It’s Halloween and Bus Detectives John and Alex are on the case of a man who keeps jumping out at people as they try to get on the bus, taking their money, and running. Who is behind the henious FARE SCARES?
A group of hooligan kids have been terrorizing the bus, ruining the cushions and springs. Now Bus Detectives Alex and John have to rush to save their spots to avoid a lumpy ride in THIS SEAT CAN’T BE BEAT.
Some foul person has been maeking poopiesz at the back of the bus. Bus Detectives Alex and John are off the case, because that is way gross, y’all. THE PUBLIC TRANSPO’ NO-NO.
(these really are the must fun thing to come up with, thanks Alex and John for being BUS DETECTIVES!)
I wanted to go to the fair SO BAD, you guys. :(
maybe next time you won’t have to be a gentleman for a nice old grandma and she’ll have her own dang money (how was she supposed to buy groceries, anyway? Food stamps? Oh, yeah, makes sense).
I like to imagine the DAotB only uses bus stop bench ads, and they basically have something like “If you need the Bus Detectives, just sit right here and help will arrive shortly” (but much more clever). I guess they could also list in the bus schedule/routes which bus they’ll be ridiing on a given day.
All these bus puns warmed my heart after a day of soul crushing logistical meetings. Im honna post them all. Also, today’s study hall activity for the 5th graders who dont have homework is, “draw a bus with a detective on it.”
John – Yay, glad you liked them! Way cool about the study hall activity, too!
Wait… have they started selling tickets for Wrestlemania yet? Because I’ve been like a hawk and have not seen them mentioning a for sale date on any television commercial yet?
They said last night they’d announce the date for sale next week.
Somehow there’s already some tickets listed on StubHub. But I’m almost certain they’re in the sections behind the stage.
Thanks so much.
One of the New York-based ‘John Cena was at the Jets game’ stories I read said WM tickets go on sale November 10.
I haven’t finished reading the report but I’d like to point out that the 3MB gif syncs perfectly with AMERICA FUCK YEAH from the Team America soundtrack.
I think Seth Mates summed up the last segment best when he basically said “Wait, is Cena saying Ryback kicks more ass than he (Cena) does?”
Brandon, wouldn’t the another alternative for HIAC be Punk/Ryback/Cena triple threat, where Ryback looks unbeatable, but Punk sneaks a win out over Cena?
It would, but they just did that with Big Show at SummerSlam.
Ryback eats the entire cage and the match gets called off.
Every question in the Eve interview will be “What kind of f*#$ing moonsault was that?”
SILENCE! LOL
This is our chance guys. We have to brainstorm good ideas for the divas division and pass them on to Eve. We can all help to make this better.
Item one: Bring back People Power, and put AJ in matches again.
Item two: have Alex* be Eve’s manager :)
This is what I get for missing the first half of Raw (or watching whenever Irish Cream’s comment came up)–
He stole Patton Oswalt’s bit! [www.youtube.com]
Also, thanks for posting the podcast links, B!
Oh, well I guess I’ll have to give back all that money I made off that comment.
Seriously, I make almost a billion jokes (approximately) that originally came from the Simpsons every week, and THIS is the one you take issue with?
“JEE-um ROTH?”
LOVE IT
Please tell me a collected JSoM will be available in audiobook (and that the interview with Eve was a precursor to her narrating, with Thwagger voicing his own dialogue).
I want an actual book, with all of the fan-art contributions, but Swaggs voicing himself would be great.
Well, of COURSE it would be a book book before it’s an audiobook.
There also needs to be a companion coffee table book.
I will have 1 coffee table book as soon as possible please.
*Inserts money through computer’s cd/dvd player*
Ron Swanson with a 3 pointer at the buzzer.
IT’S GOOD!
Nothing was wrong with the Eve-Lalya finish. The point of it (and last week’s finish) is Eve is a bad guy without being overt atm. She held on a sub too long, but felt bad. She kicked Layla’s leg of the rope (AFTER the 3), but maybe she never saw the foot. Is she bad or just doing things wrong by accident? STORYLINE
Yeah, I don’t really have a problem with it either.
It’s a near given that Brock is going to laser murder Ryback at Hell in the Cell to have Punk steal a win. This is what is going to happen.
Embrace the Eve! As I said a few weeks back, Eve should ditch her dated (and oddly unflattering) outfit and really embrace the BJJ gimmick. I think she should wrestle in a Gi, or wear something that a female MMA fighter would wear. And her music should be sung by a guy, so we know she’s sooper serious. A best should also go out to JR for mentioning the Gracie academy. Next week, hopefully they’ll explain to the audience what the Gracie Academy is and why that is really important to Eve now murdering people. Speaking of Eve murdering people, it’d be awesome if they built her up to being able to make local male jobbers tap out to a submission hold within seconds.
Huge Best for Aj’s attire. Not because she looked great in it, but it’s the second or third week in a row where she wore something that seems more AJ and not Stephanie McMahon. I’m hoping this means we’re going to eventually see AJ’s real personality show in her GM role sooner rather than later.
You missed an easy worst during the Cessaro match: The crowd was chanting U-S-A to motivate the face South African wrestler.
” This kid figures out a way to beat Ryback, gets into a match with him, rolls him up and PINS HIM. Ryback’s reign of terror ends, and the kid who beat him is NEVER SEEN AGAIN.”
Oh my God! B-Stro just used a story eerily similar to Muhammad al-Mahdi! Terrorist! Brandon is a terrorist!
Also heard a “You can’t wrestle chant” directed at Cesaro. Idiots.
Man, if Eve decided to Keep It Real and have a Gracie Train entrance, I’d be all DANG! The thing is, I think the current “Facies of Gracie”, Ryron and Rener are cool dudes, but the older generations had more of a slightly cocky jerk edge to them (GRACIE JIU JITSU IS THE BEST FIGHTING SYSTEM IN THE WORLD WE WILL PROVE IT TO YOU), which would be more fitting with heel Eve.
If Eve wore a gi, I would be so happy to make pajama jokes about it!
A quick Wikipedia check of al-Mahdi now makes me realize how woefully insignificant the studies required to get my Religious Studies minor were.
@Lobster: Remember the Gracie/Hughes ’06 fight? If the WWE used the Gracie family vingette to promote that fight (which kind of made me dislike Gracie) followed by interviewing Rener Gracie training Eve, we’d see how important and “legitimate” Eve is as a fighter. Either way, it’s freaking awesome and nice for a change to have a woman doing cool stuff and not getting by on her looks.
@Dennis: I did not hear those chants. That’s a shame. His fighting style is a little unorthodox, which I guess could turn some people off. But still, it’s a stupid chant.
@JKoebs: Don’t feel bad. Once, I verbally neutered a Religious Studies Major in a discussion about Islam. Not only did he not know the difference between the 4 schools of law, the idiot didn’t even know that Islam had different sects.
Well, The crowd chants USA to piss of Antonio since he makes fun of the US all the time, not to help Justin rally…
Well Christ, that’s basic comparative religions stuff with the different sects. Dude must have been focusing on Eastern Religions or something.
I spread myself pretty thin trying to study everything, but focused on Islam more than any others (because it’s gonna be durned important) when picking classes, and I feel bad about not immediately recognizing the final savior of mankind from Twelvers theology is super disappointing. *goes home, rereads “No god but God and Orientalism”*
See that’s the thing Polar. Didn’t Antonio’s last two vignettes on Raw establish that he’s a different kind of anti-American? Didn’t he say he’s proud to be the US champion because he’s bringing prestige to a country that has lost tons? So the crowd chanting U-S-A isn’t really going to get under his skin.
Not a “You can’t wrestle” chant. It was a “Huge Ass Nipples” chant, because John Cena is the personification of cancer itself and pointed out Antonio’s nipples in a terrible promo last week.
Can anyone honestly say that they would not take part in a “Huge Ass Nipples” chant at a wrestling event? That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard, haha.
How long before the “Huge Ass Nipples” chant pops up (perks up? pops out?) during a Divas match and WWE has to censor that shit?
He just showed up acting confident a la George Costanza and nobody could call him on it.
Only more fuel added to the fire on my “WWE is Seinfeld” theory.
Calling the WWE a show about nothing DOES seem weirdly appropriate.
Oh god, the very thought of Rybactus with Silver Slater and Stardrew (best I could do…) just fills me with chills of joy.
No way, man. You’re looking for Jindrrax the Tamer and Slaterlord. Also, it would be awesome if Justin Gabriel was hired on as a herald, cause he could just be Gabriel the Air-Walker, no cleverness needed.
I totally had a vision of the Secret Wars mini-series where all the heroes teamed up to fight Galactus while he was kind of weal, but then he devoured his own homeworld so he was totally jacked up and they didn’t have a chance.
I am going to guess that with their renewed love of “what the kids are doing is cool” we will see a returning Jack Swagger renamed Jack Swag and he will have douchey hair.
He already had douche hair his entire run. The republican hair was a fairly recent addition.
I wonder if the two assholes that over-reacted to a joke about how the real Layla human stuff made me feel bad for the fake character Layla stuff will flip out on Brandon for having the exact same thought….
Chill. Whatever disagreements you had yesterday over the “appropriateness” of a joke remain the same whether Brandon agrees with you. He writes a funny column (and good sports blog), but is as fallible as anyone in his opinion (just last week some people had a problem with some seemingly derogatory stuff written about Larry King’s wife in the column) and you don’t get to co-opt his to hold yours up. Leave that stuff behind.
Jesus some of you people must be insufferable in person.
Relax pal. I’m not concerned with holding up my opinion. I’m pointing out the Righteousness Police working on Monday nights.
Gentlemen, might I suggest ending this dispute with pistols at dawn? After all, the comments section is SRS BZNSS.
Winner gets a banana-chocolate milkshake aka the best milkshake.
I’m totally fine with that (shit, I used to post at FilmDrunk (and I don’t anymore because I thought I wasn’t funny enough to keep up)). Honestly, comedy’s an open forum as far as I’m concerned. I just think it weakens your argument if whether someone wants to go against what Brandon says versus what you say, like that matters. Post what you want, let them disagree (or have their “moral” objection or whatever).
You still don’t get it. I am not interested in doing what you think I am doing.
Don’t care.
Let’s all have a banana-chocolate shake.
Banana Cream is a delicious filling.
Is this about my sack joke?
Burger: I agree about the morality police. And as I recall, your joke wasn’t even the worst. That being said, this place generally claims to be a more civilized place to discuss wrestling. And the Layla jokes (again, not just yours, to be clear) were a bummer. I thought *this* group of wrestling fans was better than that.
….. /looks around after awkward moment…. ♫♪♫LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!♫♪…
*grabs counter-top microphone*
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
You’re cool.
And…fuck you. I’m out!
Look, I realize not many of you will see this comment at this point, but I hate letting this sit out there like I made a joke about Layla’s mom dying of cancer. I wouldn’t and I didn’t.
I made a joke about how the WWE very unusually blended real life shit with their alternate-reality WWE universe and it produced this weird watching experience/reaction.
If you thought I worded it poorly or it came across the wrong way, fine. Call me out, say it sucked, but don’t say I did something I didn’t. I do find the hyper-morality police around here annoying. Yeah, this place is better than “BOOBZ!” and stupid, ignorant , but some people are on a hair-trigger and they are annoying.
They can call me out, that is all well and good. But I can do the same.
I only brought up my comment here because Brandon made the exact same fucking observation about the weird reaction of blending real-life tragedy with fake-world sports. Where were the morality police then?
Nowhere. So I called bullshit. If my joke was so heinous where are they now?
Now, just because Brandon says something that I said doesn’t make either of us right. Obviously. I was calling out the inconsistencies of the Moral Councilors.
Okay. So to re-cap. Me: not making jokes about moms dying of cancer.
You: Tired of this and annoyed with me.
Okay, now let us all go back to calling Sheamus a racist.
I saw it that comment, burgermike!
Not sure if I was one of the assholes you refer to in your first post. I went back and looked at the Open Thread just now and I didn’t reply to your Layla joke, but I did reply to another. This is the one I replied to, which was the first thing I saw when I refreshed the thread after Layla’s heartbreaking cancer video was done:
Michelanvalo
“Aw Layla, don’t cry. You want me to drag my sack across your face?”
Not to call Michelanvalo out several days after the fact, but that was just awful. Just awful. And then a few other posters made jokes which, looking at them now, are not mean-spirited at all, but on Monday night just added to my sad feelings, so then I posted:
Lester
“People are making jokes about Layla as she cries and talks about her mum dying and my warm open thread feelings are in danger”
Because they were! I kind of dropped out of the thread after that, and then went to bed halfway through Raw and watched the rest the next day. Anyway, later on during Layla’s match you made your post:
burgermike
“Now I’m gonna feel all bad for Layla when she loses cause she let her mom down during breast cancer awareness month.”
After your posts in this thread, I can now tell you weren’t making a mean-spirited joke, but honestly, at the time, it read kinda mean! I think the difference between your comment and what Brandon said (which was more of a paragraph and can’t really be mistaken for a joke) is that after more than a year of 8-9 page columns every week, we all have a much better idea of who Brandon is as a person than we do most Open Thread participants. If Brandon had posted what you said, word for word, our knowledge of Brandon would have told us that he wasn’t being a jerk about a sensitive subject for LOLs.
Sorry to go so in-depth on this, but you seem genuinely upset about it so I thought I’d make the effort to explain things if possible. Hope it helped somewhat.
Secondly, regarding the “morality-police” you mentioned: I kind of see where you’re coming from, but since there is nowhere else on the internet that is like the WL Open Threads to talk about wrestling, and so many places that aren’t, people get protective of it. We don’t have moderators and I don’t remember anybody being warned for trolling, so maybe that’s a good thing!
No worst for the kid that was on TV twice that had a CM Punk shirt on, but holding up a Ryback sign? Something about that makes me think this is what is wrong with wrestling today. I mean i get that Punk was “face” a couple of months ago, but I dont know. It just seems weird. I would never have had an HBK shirt with a Bret Hart sign back in the day.
On a side note. IM OLD AND DONT LIKE CHANGE!!!
I dunno. I get the point that they’re rivals, but if a kid likes both of them, the match will be a win-win for him if it’s good. (Or maybe I’m just trying to explain how I was cheering for both wrestlers during a Punk/Bryan match I saw live).
GO BACK TO DOING DRUGS AND SNORTIN WIMMEN, CHRISTOOTH
just made an account to inform beej that the blacktoothgrin on here is not the true blacktoothgrin. he is an imposter. do not trust the blacktoothgrin of withleather.
…holy
how are there TWO of you???
BeeJ – I guess a lot of people like that drink? Or, at least two people do.
Okay, so about today’s column, Brandon I met Heath Slater a month and a half ago and after saying he’d been great with the Legends stuff I told him how much I appreciated the bumps he took, especially during Nexus. I said how awesome his 10 feet over the top rope into a table thing was.
He said that was awesome to hear and that he really appreciated people noting that stuff.
Couldn’t agree more on the “forget the big moments, I remember this one thing that happened one time.”
I hear you on giving wrestlers that can really sell their opponent’s offense the respect they deserve. Having been a wrestling since I was a kid, I can honestly say that I never really gave that aspect of pro-wrestling the consideration it’s due until I started reading Brandon’s stuff and seeing how he pointed out the ability of Slater and Ziggler (among others) to really help put their opponents in-ring abilities over. It’s a rare skill, to be sure. And super valuable if the WWE knows what they’re doing with guys like that.
Woohoo Top Ten! Great write up as usual, B-Stro. JSoM should really be the next WWE Film, if not an actual movie.
My first career Brandon-issued Top Ten comment!! BRB, updating my resume.
Also, B/W of Smackdown would be super duper rad.
“One of the most important things I hope you take away from however long you spend reading my goofy wrestling columns is that to be a good wrestling fan, you have to be able to watch the stuff you don’t expect to like, and not be afraid to change your mind.”
Great insight. Same goes for non-wrestling-loving people who wank and throw condescendingly at good wrestling.
As the only Cena fan on this site, I was glad to see Cena last night, even if he didn’t really contribute anything. I hope they don’t make him special guest referee for Hell in a Cell.
I think Ryback is gonna put CM Punk over so that he and Cena can have the we-really-mean-it-this-time rematch of all rematches. Hopefully WWE won’t do with Ryback what they did with Sheamus way back when and put the belt on him to soon, so that everyone hates him.
It’s nice that the “Goldberg” chants are dying out.
AJ is bad as GM and needs to be replaced. The bit has run its course, and as cute as she is, she’s not cute enough to prolong this tedious angle indefinitely.
Sandow is my favourite performer in WWE right now. I look forward to him moving up to main event status eventually.
I was disappointed that Heath Slater did not get beaten within an inch of his life yet again. Don’t like him, probably never will, unless he cuts that Pantene hair, gets a new gimmick, a new voice, a new face, and is more entertaining to watch.
@White: I am a fan of Cena. I even own his wrestling DVD (which is really good).
“I even own his wrestling DVD (which is really good).”
The first part is totally possible. The second part is totally impossible. Together they annihilate each other like matter and anti-matter. Bang. Gone.
Personally I think Eve does a great job of portraiting a heel who tries to come over as a face. (A bit like CM Punk when he turned face really) She does all the things a face “should do” smiles a lot, compliments her opponents, looks concern if she hurts them, and tries to get the fans on her side… Great gimmick
Isn’t Eve just playing a malicious John Laurinitis?
That is not a complaint. That is awesome.
She learned from the best. Mr. Excitement would be proud.
“They changed a lot of it, though, and cut out a big paragraph from the middle.”
You know, I would love for Kofi to read a modified version of that paragraph and have him turn heel and join the Prime Time Players. Not because they’re black, but because it’d be a group of guys who are teaming up to win matches so they can get millions of dollars, millions of dollars, millions and billions and millions of dollars.
PS: All you mother Canuckers out there, Rene Pacquette has left The Score and has joined the WWE. I am going to miss her and her role in WWE aftermath. Does anyone know what her role is going to be in the WWE?
Likely a Sharmell or Kung Fu Naki-esque backstage correspondent.
The next Maryse?
Yeah! Renee Paquette! I’m not a Canadian but I’ve been watching Aftermath since around Wrestlemania and really like her a lot. She tends to get excited about a lot of the same stuff people on WL do. Also, purty.
Not sure what her role in WWE will be, other than “a host”. Best guess is a backstage interviewer of some sort.
She’ll get all the Kane interviews so Striker and Matthews don’t get owies anymore.
Has anyone mentioned Aftermath before? How did I miss this show? It’s a couple bad puns away from being video of a gathering of the RAW Open Discussion Thread. I wish I knew about it before Renee Paquette left it (I’m watching the most recent one and I’m sold on it and her from the first line).
I’ve mentioned Renee a bunch and Arda Ocal’s name comes up in the Open Thread from time to time. Not sure if I’ve seen any specific mentions of Aftermath. It’s easy to miss though, unless you’re Canadian. I only stumbled across it on a random youtube search.
I haven’t watched Aftermath before, but I’m going to check out an episode on your recommendations.
Really? That’s awesome. Renee is a total sweetheart, and if she can put up with the raging cockbag that is Arda Ocal she’ll do great in WWE.
But seriously, Arda Ocal is the fucking worst.
This was the first Raw I’ve missed in forever, choosing instead to introduce my kids to The Goonies and watching the CM Punk DVD. Reading the Open Thread & Best and Worst it looks like I made the right choice here. Anything in particular y’all think I should search out?
Only what you’d expect. The Cesaro match, everything with Dragon Fire, and Rhodes Scholar v. PERM
Team Hell No doing anything, Cesaro’s match, Team Rhodes Scholars being swank
Another great Best and Worst, these make my Tuesdays.
I’m with ya on option 2 of handling Ryback/Punk. Totally expect a panicked Punk to persuade Heyman into bringing out Lesnar to confront Ryback, setting up a big showdown between the two at the Rumble or Survivor Series or w/e
Holy shit. You posted my tweet in your column. This is the best day ever.
It was a good one. Credit where credit is due!
In outlining the Ryback 10-Year Plan, you left out my favourite part: After Ryback is defeated, the wunderkind looks down at Ryback’s beaten body, says ‘YOU’RE FULL,’ slams the mic down and disappears, never to be seen again.
It’s the ‘You’re full’ that makes it!
Haha argh I forgot that part
Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned it. That way when it happens it’s proof positive they had that hotel room wired. Then you can have your Columbo/Jessica Fletcher moment of ‘And one more thing…I never mentioned that he was *full.* DUM DUM DUUUM.’
That, and if the Prime Time Players break up because of a heated debate on whether or not Mickey’s death was murder or manslaughter.
Totally trying to pick up extra work and grinding out points with the Mrs. to be able to go to WM…. would love to be a part of the “cool kids”!!!!!!!111!!
RE: “WWE should put a John Cena Applause-O-Meter on the TitanTron throughout the show, and say that if audiences aren’t loud and fired up for the first two hours, the meter won’t fill up and John Cena’s music won’t start.”
I know (hope?) you’re being facetious with this idea. I loathe the idea of cheap pops, a fact that was exacerbated when I took my wife to a TNA house show where they did a “crazy fan rewards system”… It was announced that at the end of the show the craziest fans were going to get to go backstage and meet the wrestlers. I went apeshit. My wife even got into it. But alas, it ended up being a swerve and at the end of the show they announced that instead of backstage access, EVERYONE would get to come in the ring and take a picture/get an autograph from Kurt Angle (for a $40 fee). I’ve loathed TNA ever since and only youtube their Knockouts matches. I refuse to contribute to any ratings points.
/hashtag keepyourTNAoutofmyWWE
I loved the part about the little moments that matter. We have a local indy show in my town and they have matinees a couple weekends a month. If it’s a good day, twenty people show up.
During one of these matinee shows, it was a tag team match that featured possibly the greatest in-person wrestling moment of my life. Average sized guy goes for a diamond cutter/RKO, but his opponent (a 6′ 6″ behemoth) catches him in mid-air, throws him over his shoulder, and then drives him into the mat. Somehow, this was not the finisher (lots of chaos was happening in the ring), but it’s still the one moment I bring up when I talk to folks about amazing moments in pro-wrestling.
My “amazing moment in pro-wrestling” is from back in the day when “heel heat” meant people legitimately hated you and wanted to try to fight you on the street because they actually thought you were your asshole character. Anyhow, yeah, I’m at Maple Leaf Wrestling (a regular show WWF did at Maple Leaf Gardens during the ’80s) and the arena used to have this massive wood ramp that went all the way from the boards of the rink to the ring and the entire ramp was at the same height as the mat of the ring – so it was closer to a fashion-style runway than a ramp, I guess**. The cool thing was that it made wrestler entrances really, really awesome because you could see them even if you were on the wrong side of the ring. So, yeah, Kamala comes out for his match, and some hardcore fan threw tacks on the ramp. Kamala stepped on them and let out a wicked loud yelp and then ran back into the locker room area. He came out a few minutes later with his feet taped.
**Also, speak of the ramp, I saw Hulk Hogan and Andrea The Giant vs. King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd at another Maple Leaf Wrestling show where Hogan and Andre lifted up the end of the ramp closest to the ring and flipped it over so that Bundy and Studd couldn’t run away. I know, I know, that’s it’s own “amazing moment in pro-wrestling”. Seeing those guys, in their prime, from like, five rows back at ringside and all. Anyhow…one of these days I’ll tell the story of how me and a couple of the guys I played hockey with made the Iron Sheik break character at a Maple Leaf Wrestling show. And this is when we were, like, 11 or 12 and honest-to-god thought this was all totally legit and real.
Goddamn lack of an edit function. I see I typed Andrea The Giant instead of Andrea. I’m totally going to get haunted by his ghost now. Fuck.
Also, I feel terrible that I hadn’t had a chance to listen to those podcasts because of work. But now that I’m unemployed and my life is nothing but baking cookies and mainlining Murder She Wrote on Netflix, I’m listening to the TH podcast now. I hate to be the person who keeps being up Trios but it was so magical and your shoutout made me feel so warm and fuzzy and I love your face.
Thanks for reposting them!
(And thanks for TH for being awesome)
Hey, this is the former Guitarzan here. I may be going to Wrestlemania (haven’t decided yet/have to see what tickets cost), but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be welcome to hang with you guys anyway.
I can’t post under my old account, so I created a new one. I asked Brandon, and he said he didn’t ban me, so I guess I have to take him at his word. Odd, however, that I could post everywhere on Uproxx *except* articles posted by Brandon.
…Anyway, I enjoy posting here and being part of the community. So I *will* re-register as many times as I have to, should this login also mysteriously stop working. That being said, I’m going to try to be less argumentative, so I don’t get “not banned” again.
Starting now.
Why wouldn’t people want to hang out with you? Don’t be so down on yourself man, we’re all buds here. I wouldn’t worry too much about the commenting thing either. I have trouble every now and then as well, but it could just be that there are so many of us now on the thread. Anyways, welcome back!
Oh, I’ve been told flat-out that I’m seriously unliked. Just because I’m a contrarian, and am often snarky about it. That’s fine. Some people are offended by the slightest criticism; and the Internet basically inspires everyone to be the worst version of themselves anyway.
Just as an example (sorry in advance for getting personal), I don’t know if I could spend any time around “THESTINGER” without arguing the entire time. But I have no idea if “Casey” (the real-life guy) would be any different. The Internet allows us all to be terrible.
As for the commenting troubles, I have no idea. I logged off and back on, tried it on multiple computers, at different times of day (not just during the show). Nothing. It increased the post count, but my comments never showed up. But it still worked fine on Burnsy’s articles, or on Smoking Section, etc.
…Anyway, who knows. Just a weird glitch, I guess. I’d better stop talking about it.
I’d like to say that I’m sorry if I’ve come off as unpleasant in the past. Sometimes I forget that having a differing opinion on professional wrestling is pretty much the most minor and insignificant thing to form the basis of a disagreement on. I appreciate a contrary view, it’s needed for actual discussion. I’ll try to remember to not get too worked up about things here in the future.
Pro Tip: THESTINGER likes to argue about pro graps and feels the need to enforce a certain level of intelligence, honesty, and respect that you sometimes don’t meet. It’s possible to disagree without being disagreeable, and I hope you figure that out.
Pro Tip: Casey would fucking loathe you if you couldn’t get off your cross.
But, seriously, I tend to focus on the shit I like (WRESTLING BROS AND WRESTLING AND KAIJU BIG BATTEL AND CHIKARA) during events to really be bothered too much by nerds. Well, that’s not true but I’ll try. So, come hang out. We’re a big tent and there’s enough WRESTLING BRO high fives to go around.
I sincerely do not have the power/know how to ban someone from only posting on posts by me. I don’t think that’s even a thing you can do.
If it was Brandon would have gotten rid of my pedantic, self righteous, unbearable asshole self by now.
Wrestling Mania better include an awkward internet peoples hug.
HUG IT OUT! HUG IT OUT! HUG IT OUT! HUG IT OUT!
…If Brandon had the power to ban someone, he probably would have used it on me a long time ago for breaking his comment boxes on several occasions…sorry, I get a little too excited sometimes :)
BAH GAWD! I named my first tag team acronym!
Lol…this – [i.imgur.com]
How else would a rock star enter a ring? Man has to have style.
Right now Evan Bourne is doing the not-impressed face
That wasn’t just any bar, that was Honky Tonk Central, the biggest mega-bar on the Nashville strip. 3MB are as incredible as they are terrible. Legitimately one of the only things I”m stoked on.
I like the idea of 3MB but Jinder Mahal needs to lose the turban now. I mean, he obviously never wrestled wearing it. It was only a prop to support is hey-everyone-I’m-from-India gimmick. So it’s time to put that on the shelf in the closet and never speak of it again. Get Mahal a bandana and a backwards trucker hat or something.
I think he should *keep* wearing it, if only because it highlights what a stupid idea the whole thing is.
“Hey, here’s three guys who aren’t doing anything, two of which the company barely cares enough about to put on TV ever. Let’s put them together for some reason.”
The more visually incongruous 3MB are, the better. Make it some kind of meta joke about pro wrestling stables.
I hope they start ending Raw with Swagger hitchhiking on Mars like Bruce Banner on The Incredible Hulk
I’m listening to one of the podcasts you linked for KOT. And I just want you to know that hating on The Colony makes you a terrible human being. Fire Ant is a top 10 wrestler in America. Seriously. His match with Eddie Kingston during the 12 Large Summit was the best match of the tournament.
Hating 123 Kid is also pretty bad even if he was terrible that weekend.
I’m inclined to agree with the first part of what you said, because my heart is made of Ants, however Sean Waltman is terrible, personally and professionally, and has been terrible forever.
He also owes me $10. So screw that guy.
I don’t hate the Ants, I just don’t think they’re as huge a deal as most Chikara fans do.
I love The Colony. I got nothing more to say than that.
123 Kid is terrible, but there were also MILLIONS OF OTHER GREAT THINGS about Trios that I tend to not even think about it. I’d rather think about Kaori Yoneyama and Dasher Hatfield playing baseball.
Great column per usual. And screw whoever hates the Swagger fanfic, it’s a solid best on my “The Best/Worst Of ‘The Best And Worst of WWE RAW’” fantasy column.
Kofi Kingston absolutely nailed the shit out of Trouble In Paradise against The Miz, though. Damn. I seriously think he might have given Miz a concussion with that one.
Now it’s the Miz that’ll have trouble stringing together three sentence.
I’m honestly surprised guys like him and Orton don’t have Sin Cara-esque mood lighting, which would just be dim as fuck so they don’t get headaches after the numerous concussions those guys have had.
But it’s only supposed to *look* like it’ll make you bleed from the forehead and give you a concussion, not actually do those things! Bad, Kofi! Bad!
OK: Lobster Monster’s joke legit just made me LOL at work. Apparently the answer to ‘Why are you laughing?’ is not ‘…you see, Cancer.’
LM, gettin peeps fired since forever!
Hurricane mention. I’m happy. Bye.
Good read.
Enjoyable column as usual, except for Kofi, as usual. Anyway, listening to the podcasts. Still can’t get over how deep Brandon’s voice is.