Jack Swagger Of Mars
Chapter 29
Jack Swagger jumped to his feet, grabbing his duffel bag and sprinting for the door, renewed, refocused, ready to save the beautiful, lost citizens of Hellas.
“Thankth, Jim,” he said, stopping in the doorway to look back and smile, his tongue pressed firmly against the back of his front teeth.
“Yer welcome, kid,” said Jim.
“When I get BACK to EARTH, I’mma make SHORE the Dob-dob-e Universe rememberth your legathy. I can’t thank you enough, ghost of Jim Ross.”
“I ain’t a ghost, kid,” said Jim. “Yer usin’ an iPhone!”
Jack hit “end call” on the screen and smiled as he slipped the phone down the front of his singlet and took off for the Swagger Soaring Eagle.
—–
“He’s not coming back for us,” said Sachie, his lanky arms folded across bent knees.
“You don’t know him like I do,” said Kaa’orri. “We’ve been through so much together … he’s got great workrate. He wouldn’t just leave us to die!”
Sachie’s eye folds lowered. He wanted to be as optimistic as Kaa’orri, but his heart wouldn’t, couldn’t let it happen. He’d seen so many bad things in his life … sat through so many long, boring shows like this, he couldn’t look at the Descent Shaft’s monitors and expect to see something good. He was used to disappointment. As the night-vision footage of the desolate Martian valley went to commercial (for Twix), he mumbled something about waiting and seeing where it goes, then crawled back into the shadows of the room’s safer shadows.
“But … what do we do … what do we do if he doesn’t come back?” Kaa’orri asked.
Silence.
“Sachie?”
“See that button on the control panel?”
Kaa’orri looked up to see a comically-large button on the center of the control station.
“That button fires the self-destruct mechanism. It blows The Forge completely and buries the entrance to the shaft. Us with it. The carrier dies, nobody can get up or down. We save Hellas.”
“By BURYING IT??” Kaa’orri shouted. “At the center of the planet? You’ll kill EVERYONE. You’ll kill US! Yourself!” Her words came quicker now, sharper, as if pushed out of her body from somewhere deep within.
“It keeps them from riding down the shaft and killing everyone themselves. At least this way they’ve got a chance.”
“A chance at WHAT?”
Sachie couldn’t answer. As his mouth hung open, a solitary radar blip resounded and echoed through the control room.
“The hell is that,” Sachie mumbled, climbing to his feet.
Kaa’orri’s eyes lit up. “It’s JACK SWAGGER!”
—–
The Swagger Soaring Eagle hummed as it sped across the planet’s surface. Jack pushed the engines as hard as they’d go. Were his friends still safe? Was he out of time? By the calculations on the Swagger Soaring Eagle’s on-board navigation system (his iPhone), Jack knew that the final descent shaft was only 40 miles north. He could be there any minute. God help him and what he would find.
Swagger turned sharply, kicking up sand and shooting his vessel north. In the dust lay a long-abandoned package of astronaut ice cream, shifting just enough to spill a dozen baby serpents from its plastic insides. By the time those grubs saw starlight, Jack was miles away.
—–
General Mason Ryan’s eyes opened as he heard a radar blip on his command center’s massive communication screen. “sat then.”
“Sir!” yelped one of the general’s subordinates. “It’s the Swagger Soaring Eagle!”
Ceraunius Tholus lit up with chatter. The one thing that could theoretically stop them from overpowering the descent shaft’s security, bursting through the control center and lowering the entire United Nations World Army into Hellas to claim the lives and goods of the wretched Martians within was speeding toward them, its eyes thinning, its arms ready to point, push-up and cause fireworks.
“Ready to receive orders, General.”
General Ryan thought about it for as long as he could, which was like four seconds because his brain was the size of a walnut. His eyes darted toward his chief artillery specialist.
“dwit.”
“Sir, are you sure?”
“dwit eh sed.”
The artillery chief knew his orders. Within minutes, the Batista Bomb was loaded and ready to be fired. General Ryan rose to a vista point at the top of Ceraunius Tholus as the soldiers huddled below, hoping to catch a glimpse of the great explosion. With thoughts of his wife and children in his mind, the chief pretended to fire a big machine gun, then pretended to throw a grenade, bringing his hand down on the “fire” button. The bomb shot through the air.
—–
“Siri, how far am I from the great thitty of Hellath on Marth?” said Jack, kinda holding his phone out in front of his face.
“I can’t quite get that. Would you like me to do a web search for ‘am I from the great thirty of health on Mars’?” replied Siri.
“Uh, HULLO?” said Jack, tossing the phone over his shoulder. He’d find out himself in a moment.
As the phone landed, so did the Batista Bomb, twenty feet behind the Swagger Soaring Eagle. The explosion could be seen across the valley, and heard throughout the world.
Worst: Pretty Cool Of Kid Rock To Finally Record A Patriotic Anthem
No pussy, no dope. This ain’t Saigon!
But keep your heads up for roadside bombs.
Good advice. And man, I’m glad this song was finally released. I’ve been waiting since 1997 for Kid Rock to release a song explaining where he stands on the issue of “America”.
USA Guy, we may have found your entrance theme.
Best: Ricardo Rodriguez Being Adorable On Commentary
I’m so unbelievably happy that most of Ricardo Rodriguez’s color commentary made the match video. There may not be a character whose well-being I care about more than Ricardo, and listening to him nervously speak Spanish before translating it to something incredibly simple (“he’s STRETCHING him!”), go “comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon” to will Del Rio to his feet before Kingston’s moves and his hilarious, totally accurate burn on Kofi’s offense (“it’s just about the setup, he’s gonna be fine!”) were all outstanding. Also, props to JR for using an actual Spanish word when talking to Ricardo instead of just going “bomb-o drop-o” like apparently-just-out-of-middle-school Michael Cole.
Also great: Ricardo’s insistence that Kofi was cheating because he was using the ropes (which is technically accurate … you aren’t supposed to use the ropes, that’s why the referee counts to five when you climb to the top) and that ADR had “three people” against him — Kofi, R-Truth (who was doing literally nothing) and Little Jimmy (who does not exist). Del Rio wins, and Ricardo is instantly happy again, bragging about how he did it against the odds and launching right into his victory announcement. I love you, Ricardo Rodriguez.
And while I’m writing about it, one of the things I like the most about Ricardo is the beautiful way in which he says “Alberto Del Rio”. Not the big ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOO one, the casual one, where he says “Alberto Del Rio” like a native speaker of the language would, as one quick word. It’s something I wish I could do. My friend Ari of the DESPERATELY IN NEED OF UPDATING Feminist Pro Wrestling Tumblr says it the same way. My southern ass is all AL-BIRDO DULL ROW.
Best: The Way Del Rio Locked In The Armbreaker
Instead of spinning around gracefully into the hold like he was probably supposed to, Del Rio flipped awkwardly and ended up snapping Kofi’s arm back at the shoulder. It looked absolutely killer that way, and man, if Kofi had pecs they would’ve gotten ripped in half.
Best: REAL MEN Stay At Home And Are Not On Raw
John Cena wasn’t on Raw. Did you miss him at all? It felt like we had a cool substitute teacher who let us move our desks into a circle instead of following the lesson plan, which I’m guessing was
OBJECTIVES
a. tell crowd you are aware that some of them hate you and some of them don’t and how that’s okay
b. challenge someone to a fight RIGHT HERE TONIGHT
c. get put into a tag team match
d. win tag team match easily
e. challenge someone to a match later, be frat guy emo about it
f. gay joke
g. gay joke
h. record PSA about how gays are people too
i. market “gay people are terrible” headbands for children
…with “DO THIS LESSON EVERY CLASS FOREVER” at the bottom in pink Sharpie.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/1245/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/wwe-raw-app-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/kevin-jonas-wwe-raw-180x180.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Sad-Blackhawks-Fans-180x180.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/bateman-gif-180x180.gif)
Still Team AJ!
Most of us are on Team AJ, Bro. What we will never be on is Team Creative (also known as Team Vince’s Beef Wrap Farts).
I was referring to Brandon’s tweet:
Brandon Stroud @MrBrandonStroud
Best And Worst Of #WWE #Raw 10/1, with a banner image that finally settles the AJ vs. Kaitlyn debate [bit.ly]
Damn did this just get put up? There’s only one other comment. And Brandon, a gripe I have, because I know I’m the mostest cleverest commenter in the WLBWoRuniverse: does anyone from the west coast ever make it to the best comments?
I have, in the long long ago…..
Dish Network plays the east coast feed of USA so even though I’m a west coaster I’m able to not make the top 10 every week on my own lack of merit.
Yeah, Comcast used to have the EST feed but they stopped it awhile back.
The 4-time West Coast top 10 Comments Champ IS HERE!
Man, that trios report needs to happen! You already write about the embarrassing part of wrestling fandom. Why not write about the things, that if people saw, would make them go “you know, that’s not as stupid as I thought wrestling was.”?
+1 for truth.
Brandon, you have been a beacon in the wilds of Writing About Wrestling On The Internet, and the reason why I haven’t given up on reading that sort of thing entirely.
I would love for you to write this as well. I’m not able to go to stuff like that and since I’m a stay at home mom who only gets the occasional handout, I’m not able to buy any DVDs so I have to live thru cool people like you.
Seconded. Or Fourth-ed. As someone who only has internet-column exposure to the indie scene, it would be really great to read about KoT. You’re doing the good work, Brandon. The true savior of the masses.
No more Kofi bashing without King of Trios lauding!
That’s it. WE RIOT!!!!!!!!!!
*Throws self out through window*
A riot is an ungly thingk… undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.
drew mac headbanging
The post-Aksana era of Antonio Cesaro’s career is off to a fantastic start.
Also: excellent column as always.
Yeah, Brodus getting squashed like that was borderline shocking. I know he lost to Sandow a while back but this really seemed to come out of nowhere. Good for Cesaro though. Can’t wait to see where he goes next.
We are in a golden age for Swiss wrestlers.
Brandon, I said this last night in the open thread and I was curious to your thoughts on the matter.
“This is probably entirely crazy, but I feel that the running GM of both shows has been the weakest point of it. All plots revolve around the GM and it takes the focus from the wrestlers and onto whoever that may be. It’s detrimental to the show and we’ve been running like this for at least a decade now. I think a unique idea would be to have a hands off GM. Someone who isn’t there on a week to week basis and only steps in when needed. I know we’ve been down these roads, but a Foley or a Regal type would fit great in that role. An appearance every so often, rather than the central figure that runs the plots. It would put the focus of the feuds and the driving forces back on the wrestlers and away from the GM.”
I’ve championed shitcanning the GMs since they became a thing. Vince worked as an anti-wrestler authority figure. Everyone else is just wasting time. Wrestlers should always be the most important people on the wrestling show.
I’m glad I’m not alone in this line of thought then.
The GM should come out like once a year when two guys feet touch the floor simultaneously upon leaving the cage or when Zack Ryder upper decks Vicki Guerrero’s toilet. It’s not like David Stern comes out at half time of every lakers game and decided Kobe has to shoot left handed in the 3rd period.
+9, devil
Way effing late on this, but right on. Vince pulled this off because Vince played the role pre-Rock-Paper-Scissors-organizational-flow-chart-of-WWE-authority. He was the owner, no one could touch him, and then occasionally Commissoner HBK would show up in a cowboy hat and hypershort shorts to put him in his place when convenient. There’s been zero reason to care who’s “in charge” in a decade, minimum.
Cute little column ya got there, Brandon.
No, seriously, that was good.
Did you hear Michael Cole really briefly mention something about Heath Slater sending out a tweet last week mentioning something about “Encorre”? I swear, WWE is shoot plagiarizing from Brandon and the comments section.
Thank you for posting. Now to go on with my life. Yeah, AJ. After three booty pops I was like I need some psychology thank you very much.
Fuuuuck might have to buy an I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS shirt…
“I AM NOT PRICE ALBERT!” should be the new “I AM NOT A NUGGET!”
seriously Brandon, for us international fans that don’t know much if anything about CHIKARA other than the hype it gets from comments, a B&B (that’s best and best because that’s how you people hype it, goddamit! *Vince voice*) would do wonders to attract new eyes to it and that’s a win for everyone
I must say I had youtubed Chikara before but since you announce the meet up and any mention since, I have youtubed the shit out of Chikara and I’m really glad I did and I thank you (and every WithLeather-ite that has hyped it)
I’m not Brandon, but I checked out King of Trios based completely on the hype of this column, and I’m really glad I did. It’s genuinely funny, great action, and a generally great overarching attitude of fun that I really enjoy, If you haven’t yet, you should take the plunge and get it.
Top 10 again! That Jack Swagger poster is just the greatest thing ever.
I went to the show last night (my first ever, for any promotion!) and wanted to chime in with a brief live report in the comments:
1. The JR Appreciation Night actually happened after the show. Vince McMahon and Triple H came out — while I can’t say I’m a huge fan of either as current characters, it was definitely a cool moment, if only to see them in a non-televised state. There were also a few Oklahoma legends on-hand. I am not from OK or the Midwest, so I already forget who they were.
2. I was glad they did this because I was sort of annoyed by JR Appreciation Night on the televised Raw. It was not only predictable, but a little tasteless in light of what happened to Lawler. Granted, they didn’t get physical, and that was good, but as Brandon has touched on since the incident, it’s sometimes distressing how quickly WWE dives back into story mode and forgets any humanity it could have from time to time.
3. Weird thing about the Sandow-Sheamus match: I was loving, but the crowd wasn’t. I think it was because Sheamus hardly sold any pinfalls: he was sometimes kicking out before the ref even counted to one. And so while the match was a long and competitive one, everyone in the crowd was restless. The dudes in my section said things like:
– “C’mon, where’s that Brogue Kick?”
– “This guy’s a fucking nobody, what’s wrong with Sheamus?”
– “THIS IS BORING COME ON SHEAMUS”
So while Sheamus is good at taking offense, he certainly needs to sell these falls a bit more. It was really weird to watch live. He wasn’t rallying the crowd to thinking he might actually lose. It’s a shame, because it was the best match of the night and deserved a reaction recognizing it as such.
4. This was my first event, and I still knew about the whole “you’re not going to be on camera if you’re sitting on the camera side.” Why do others struggle with this?
5. Again, it’s my first live event, so maybe this is a newbie thing to say, but what’s the point of the post-Raw dark match? It was depressing. Since it was Sheamus/Punk and announced beforehand, followed by ads for the new ion show, I thought we’d actually see it filmed. But it was just a quickie match: Punk is a coward for a bit, then hits Sheamus with belt for DQ, then gets Brogue Kick’d so everyone goes home happy … even though they hadn’t yet finished JR Appreciation Night, which ruined the whole “go home on a wrestling finisher high” thing. So weird.
6. Oh, maybe the funniest thing that happened all night: before the show, Justin Roberts is doing all of his announcer business — getting us riled up, getting the signs up, etc. etc. But awkwardly inserts, as quickly and quietly as possible: “Since John Cena won’t be here tonight, you have until the second match to claim your refund.”
I am torn if I’ll ever go back again. I had a lot of fun for the first hour, just because it was so weird to see this televised thing live, but the people are insane. And I sort of get why: the show is so built for the television audience that the crowd just decides, “Oh, OK, let’s just be as obnoxious as possible to try to get our voices and faces on TV.”
Zinc Saucier, I enjoy your brand of embedded journalism!
Good live report. I do request an addendum to part 6 though; did you notice much of the crowd leaving between the beginning and second match when it was announced that Cena would be missing?
The dark match is precisely for sending everyone home happy.
I was there too. I was clapping and yelling for Sandow with all my little heart. But yeah, the crowd was dead for that, it was really disappointing.
Slider: No, I did not notice any sort of walkout after the Cena announcement. But it was done so quietly and hastily (and before Superstars had even begun, if I recall correctly) that I wonder how many people even noticed. In fact, I think the way it was worded might have even suggested that Cena would not be “performing,” which certainly could have been interpreted as “not wrestling but still appearing.”
Hermano: I figured as much. Maybe this one was weird because they tried to cram it in between the end of the show and the JR tribute. Also might have been a bit of “no Cena” compensation.
I went to a taping earlier this year, and while it was fun, I think it would be better to go witth friends with similar tastes in wrestling (and by that, I mean people that read With Leather). I felt bad at times for cheering for the heels and booing the faces because some of the people around me seemed so earnest in their love of Santino (who I did clap for, but against Ricardo, there’s no way I wasn’t going to root for the heels). Also, I was the ONLY person in the arena to shout for joy when Otunga showed up, so yeah. Would have been nice to have a buddy with me on it.
It made me feel like I was watching WWE “the wrong way” which isn’t something I like experiencing.
You know, as a kid, my family bought tickets to a show before Wrestlemania VI, and shortly after that, they put Hogan “out” for a while when Earthquake attacked him. Vince didn’t offer us refunds for HOGAN not being there, but they’ll do it for Jern Cena?
What kind of Polaroids does Cena have? This is ridiculous.
Thank you Brandon for writing a great column yet again. But I have to say that your BaW stuff being good has been bad for me. Let me count the ways.
1) I started watching PPVs again (about a year ago)
2) I have begun watching RAW again (not every episode, but most of the 3 hour ones!)
3) I feel slighted when I don’t get to read what you thought about I show I watched (*ahem* Night of Champions?) because…
4) I agree with mostly everything you write and I feel validated.
5) I of course can’t discuss this stuff with any person I know, because no one I interact with regularly even knows that wrestling exists.
But I am grateful to you for writing this stuff. Anyway I loved the Tag Team Tournament (though it’s a little predictable. The final will be Rey/Cara losing to Millions of Dollas because almost every match has to be good guys vs. bad guys), Rhodes Scholars, Heath Ledger and “The Band”…
Rhodes Scholar was your idea!!
I can’t believe they haven’t massed produced an “I am the Tag Team Champions” t-shirt, only to follow it up with “We are the tag team champions” t-shirt in December or January when Kane and D Bry finally become BFF’s. I’d buy both.
ALso, if Big Show would have yelled “That’s raycess!” to Sheamus and then beat the holy hell out of Sheamus, I would have bought his shitty t-shirt after I died of laughter from the irony of Big Show calling someone a racist.
“Poor Brodus”
I disagree. He doesn’t bring me much joy and isn’t exactly very good inside the ring. I’d like him to get shipped down to NXT and develop.
“Think about it, Punk. All you’ve done is win the ECW Championship, the tag team championships, the Intercontinental Championship, two Money In The Bank ladder matches, three World Heavyweight Championships, last year’s Slammy Award for Superstar Of The Year and two WWE Championships, including one that changed the direction of WWE and another that you’ve held for almost an entire year. You’ve got to EARN the title of Best In The World, like John Cena did when he lost to a retired actor at WrestleMania and wore a pink shirt because “cancer”.”
BRAVO!
They have made a “I Am The Tag Team Champions” shirt!
[shop.wwe.com]
Missed the boat on that one, didn’t they? They could’ve had two versions, one for Bryan and one for Kane, and then used this version for the “We are the tag team champions” one. Rare missed opportunity to milk extra money out of their fanbase that doesn’t usually happen with the ‘E.
This was a pretty good internet, Brandon! I’m a fan of Tensai’s body getting dugonged.
To be honest, prior to last night, I had forgotten all about Antonio Cesaro, but I shan’t forget again.
Not sure why “thankth” made me laugh so hard for so long, but it did. Great report Brandon. Last night just cemented my new dream match of Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro, and I’m prepared to do the hardest basement rioting anyone’s ever seen to get it.
Guys, I’m still pretty shaken by USA cancelling the Friday films 2/3rd of the way through the series. In my mind this is a way bigger deal than any Trios column.
Don’t worry, Christmas is around the corner, I’m sure they’ll show it soon.
Fuck, I totally forgot that FAN was a Christmas movie, I’ll start my letter writing campaign to AMC to get it included on the 12 days of Christmas marathon.
Only read the preface page, but I wanted to say in advance, real sports are still real to me damn it!!!
Biggest laughs (some may have been derisive) of the night for me, in no particular order:
–Ryback failing to lift Tensai twice.
–Brodus Clay losing like a bitch.
–The comments section here being all “OMG, Cody is trolling Brandon specifically. Our man Brandon came up with that name, the writers must all read B&W!!!!!11111!!!”
–Big Show’s podium falling apart, and Show’s attempt to make a joke to play it off.
I share most of that dersivism(?).
Show actually handled that really well, I thought.
I again enjoyed this column, and reading JSoM out loud with a lisp is like a special treat to me.
I wish Brandon would Tout a few passages in character for us.
Please do something on King of Trios. A lot of us weren’t able to go and would like a first-person account that isn’t awful and this is a pretty big platform for people who otherwise wouldn’t check out a CHIKARA show.
The LOOK Sandow when he looks over at Sheamus after the first kickout in that video is priceless. If he isn’t a main event heel in the next 2 years, I will burn everything to the ground.
Will you take everything you want (HEY), eat everything in sight (HEY)?
Whoever made that shirt thought Kane should be a bear. That person is superior to all of us.
still trying to wrap my head around the whole Kane Bear thing…still want shirt.
“FEED! ME! MORE!”
“I’LL THINK ABOUT IT!”
Another great column as always.
In other news I was just watching the Best of Nitro on Netflix, and it made me realize, nothing is super exciting anymore. I remembered the feelings I used to have and how I never have those anymore. The last time was at MITB 11 and ….I dunno, I’ve gone off on a tangent.
But the column is awesome, and I really would love to see Kaitlyn lay out AJ.
Is Best of Nitro a documentary or just a collection of matches? I watched the Rise & Fall of WCW recently which was fun but really biased. They mentioned Sting like twice.
Oh my God Moulin Rouge! reference on page 4 everybody
I know I’m not nearly as good a writer as B, but if you want Chikara writing check it –
TWB Chikara Tag
Great column Brandon. You better believe Swagger is going to land in the Soaring Eagle and feud with Mason Ryan. It’s what saturday morning slam is made for!
omg Brandon you had to remind me of how much I’ve slacked on that Tumblr. ;_; Now I gotta be all responsible and shit. (but really, I appreciate your enthusiasm. Thank you. <3)
Ricardo on commentary was the highlight of my RAW-watching evening (as usual I miss the first 90 minutes thanks to work), and I totally agree that the way he naturally says 'Alberto' is awesome, but I also love his extended Albertoooooooo since it reminds me of old soccer play-by-play commentators, which is what I imagine he's going for when he does that.
Or, you know, he’s just a Mexican Michael Buffer.
So now all I can imagine is Ricardo going “Del Rio rolls into an armbreaker, back to armbar, back to armbreaker, Del Rio holds it! Holds it! HOLDS IT!
Haha! That’s where my nostalgia brain goes, too.
Nice column. I am 100% in agreement with you about the CM Punk storyline (“You can’t call yourself the best in the world, now watch us call John Cena the best in the world.”) and the AJ Lee character. The sad thing about her is she came outta nowhere and they killing all the momentum she created for herself. She broke the Zack Ryder rule: Thou shalt not put thyself over.
AJ has above average acting chops and they are making her into a hybrid of Stephanie McMahon and Teddy Long as GMs. Instead of evolving her character, all they are doing is repeated the same thing. She mentally unstable, she makes things personal, she unoriginal. Same shit; different person.
All the Stephadore McLong experiment is doing is making me sad about the wasted potential in AJ. I guess we can all look forward to the upcoming AJ Mendez-Mickie James feud for the TNA Knockout Championship.
(See, WWE. AJ is making me consider watching TNA after you release her. Don’t you ignore me! I know you read this stuff! You have an attactive woman who can talk and not sound like a MacInTalk cutting a promo. USE HER!)
While I agree with you on most of these points, I will say it’s been pretty awesome seeing AJ slap entitled white dudes across the face.
First, I wanna say I generally enjoy your column (article? Review? Whatever). You’re a funny guy, and you’re a good writer.
That being said, you need to get over yourself with the whole “Rhodes Scholar” thing. The night they first appeared to be aligned, I could probably count 20 other people that came up with the exact same name almost immediately. It doesn’t take a creative genius to think up. As a matter of fact, it’s extremely obvious.
So get over it, because you’re making yourself look like a tool. And I like what you do here, so I’d like to keep reading.
have you considered for a moment that I may not be deadly serious in my column full of jokes on a comedy sports blog
DontcareDONTCARE, how about you REFRAIN FROM CARING!!
You’re NOT? I mean I don’t even….can we PLEASE just start breaking down quarter-hour ratings? I need my comedy in serious font.
Get your trolling out of our troll free utopia.
Wait…so you’re not totally serious about everything that appears in B&W? So Jack Swagger ISN’T currently on Mars acting out some “Total Recall”/King of Trios mashup?
Son, I am disillusion.
I still hope you do King of Trios. It’ll get way, way more Bests than your typical Raw, and I imagine it would encourage more people to watch Chikara then send you inflammatory tweets.
Glad to see Brandon write positively about Sheamus’s in-ring skills. He’s been killing it this year in his matches and it’s such a shame they’re trying to turn him into a Cena clone with all the kiddie humor and casual racism and super-heroics. If he had just kept his old angry, fightin’ Irish character, I think he’d be even more popular than he is now.
Brandon, loved the article as always. I can totally understand the Trios stuff too and am saddened but totally cool with whatever you decide.
My only request is that when I email or message you six months from now, you tell me the three things in Trios 2012 that made you cry. I’d ask now, but I’m only up to Trios 2011 right now and don’t want anything spoiled.
Sheamus wrestles matches in which his opponents utterly wail on him. Sheamus acts like a five-year old. WWE should just link them and suggest that Sheamus’ urge to fight has caused him to suffer severe brain trauma and that’s why he acts li…er, maybe too close to home with Christ Voldemort. Disregard. Too bad, because that would also work with Jern.
Chris* Voldemort. Funny typo, though.
Kaitlyn.
Sweet Jesus.
To Tensais credit, when they botched the first try, they did a new where he clearly and obviously blocked the attempt to lift him. It works with his weird “counter to moves everyone else seems vulnerable to” thing he had in the matches with Orton and last Smackdown against Ryback. So it was not so jarringly obviously a botch to the casual viewer, especially with JRs commenting.
And yes: Ricardo commentary was the greatest thing all night after Kaitlyn and AJ-in-referee-bikini
Good job doing good work, guy. Also, USAGUY.
The only sure fire way of knowing if the WWE reads these B&W columns is if Eve Torres name drops me <3
Hey B I’m composing a treatise on the merits of Rob Van Dam. Where should I send it to?
As I said on the open thread raw is getting better. However I did see that Vince was pissed at creative and was complaining backstage
not that it NEEDS validation or anything, but how is one of the best Bests of the year slighted when daniel bryan, kane, cm punk, and dolph ziggler are all in the ring at the very same time shouting about their accolades while vikki paul heyman and aj are also present?
i may never say this again, good sir, but i am disappoint.
“Big Show’s point of view. Sheamus can’t kick that high, and he should probably be able to brute force Sheamus to the ground and murder him with something because his finisher is a goddamn punch, and how hard is that to land? Just keep trying until one connects. Boom, instant Dead Sheamus.”
Couldn’t agree more. Ever since Big Show made that his finisher I pretty much spend his matches going, “Uhp – coulda punched him then…coulda punched him then…” If you made it a drinking game you’d be unconscious within five minutes.
Also: “I SMELL FANTASTIC!” should be on a T-shirt. That rescued the segment for me.
Anybody else read the second lyric for the Kid Rock song as “trained to kill BABIES, that’s what we do…”? I had to do a triple take to make sure that wasn’t it. A very unfortunately placed ‘baby’.
Also, I swear I’m not an anti-military nutball. SURPORT OUR TROOPZ!
I think the next step in Kane and Daniel’s relationship should be double pinning Zack Ryder.
Kane: “I’m the Internet Champion!”
Bryan: “No I’m the Internet Champion!”
Punk: “I’m the WWE Champion!”
Hell No: “SHUT UP PUNK! YOU DIDN’T EARN IT!”
Cena: “Let’s Fight!”
Big Show: “SMELL ME!”
Sheamus: “Mexicans suck my GREAT WHITE DICK!”
AJ: “STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Bryan: “Hammer Time?”
AJ: “Tag Match”
Ryder: “Am I not supposed to be part of this segment?”
AJ: “Who are you?”
Kane: “DANIEL! GET THE WHEELCHAIRS!!!!!!!!!”
And that is how Hell No became the Dudley Boyz.
Goodnight.
Great write up, Brandon.
Didn’t have time to comment earlier. I enjoyed this as per usual, B-Stro. Also, it was fun participating in the WL-RAW-ODT last night. (Been a few months for me.)
I did like Claudio Castignoli, and that springboard uppercut was money.
Love that I can miss an episode and come here just to feel like I never missed a moment. Thanks. Cesaro is a beast of a man.
Also, I think AJ should just run around in referee outfit permanently.
Swagger should show up on Saturday Morning Slam to teach kids why Curiosity is important and awesome.
I legit LOVE LOVE LOVE that poster, and whoever made it should be given all the +Rhodes ever.
I only caught part of the show so I don’t have too much to add, but…
“General Mason Ryan” made me die.
yeah, I got nothing to add…I just keep coming here to see that Kaitlyn pic
So I suppose Brodus could join Rhodes Scholars, if he switched back to the whole “I AM THE FALL OF HUMANITY” shtick. Though I would want that space reserved for Ezekiel Jackson.
It’s settled. I will be reading the adventures of “Jack Swagger of Mars” to my son when he’s born…only about 2 months to go.
Also, I have 3 Mr. Washingtons who think you should still make the B&W of King of Trios, they’ll be happy to jump into your wallet and make it their new home, Mr. Stroud. Think about it.
When do we kidnap Brandon and break his foot with a sledgehammer until he writes the B/W we want him to write?
Soon, we must see if he takes the $. If he refuses, you come from behind with the giant net. I’ll bring the sledgehammer, stare at it for a bit, then take out all of our anger on,,this watermelon that happened to be next to Brandon. Then he’ll agree to write the report, and we all celebrate by eating smashed watermelon.
Anyone else see Ryback 100% blaming Tensai for that botch? Yelling STUPID at him afterwards, a la Orton to Kofi way back when. Given that Ryback did struggle a bit on Smackdown to get him up, I am gonna say it’s not all on Tensai.
Brandon the start of Raw was badass, yeah the tag team thing was lame but still.
Anyone remember when John Cena wrestled Kevin Federline? I’m so happy I wasn’t watching at that time though I was such a mark in 08 that I actually wanted to know who Vince McMahon’s son was.
Dr Geek’s comment was just great.
I’m late but good job Brandon.
I’m here for the mention of Rescue: The Embassy Mission. That game was so hardcore, back in the day.