If you don’t watch professional wrestling, there isn’t a lot wrestling fans can teach you.
It’s a short list — what different styles of crotch-chops mean, the names of wrestlers you don’t recognize (but only the popular ones), whether or not Sin Cara had a comic book based on his life in Mexico (spoiler: he did) — but as a wrestling fan and the editor-in-chief of a popular, mostly-non-wrestling comedy sports blog, I feel it is my duty to say stay the hell away from this Groupon.
$37 for a 60-minute sports massage from NuBodi Massage sounds great until you realize it’s being administered by Chris Benoit. Fans of WWE remember Benoit as the man who won the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a Triple Threat match at WrestleMania XX. Fans of Nancy Grace may remember him as the guy who choked his wife to death, choked his 7-year old son to death, helpfully put his dogs in the pool house and hung himself in his home gym. Okay, WWE fans remember him like that, too.
And sure, this probably isn’t the same Chris Benoit, but if years of watching wrestling (and reading Deadspin) have taught me anything, it’s that everything that happens in WWE should be followed by, “was that a work,” wrestling jargon for “was that real, or part of the show?” Which means ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, which means that maybe Chris Benoit faked his own death, put on a dreadlocks wig and got a job giving therapeutic massage up in Massachusetts. Do not use the Chris Benoit Groupon.
Just be safe, that’s all I’m asking. Wait for the next Groupon deal to come along. Hey, look! Only $80 for Invader #1 Shower Installation! That sounds like a great idea!
[h/t to @BJHiggins]
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But he gives the best neck massages!
as a massachusetts resident, i was actually pretty bummed when i got my daily groupon email halfway through reading this… and it was for car washes.
At least this wasn’t for Bowflex machines.
Can we list other awful, wrestling-inspired Groupons?
Nicholas Hogan’s driving instruction
Domestic counseling with Jimmy Snuka.
Glass table shopping with the Rock ‘n Roll Express.
2 cartons of smokes from Dino Bravo.
A session at the Von Erich Stress Management Clinic.
Financial planning session with Paul Heyman.
The Rockers’ Window Installation.
The opposite of awful would be any 2-for-1 deal involving Ryback. And buffets.
Car Cleaning and Detail Work by Sheamus
Jerry Lawler’s babysitting class
Big Bossman’s dog kennels.
So, you’re telling me I shouldn’t use this 2 for 1 tooth extraction with Isaac Yankem, D.D.S.?
Parasailing with Brutus Beefcake.
@Thatsamare The Bossman’s grief counseling course is amazing.
Ric Flair Financial. The diametric opposite of Wu-Tang Financial.
Owen Hart school of rapelling.
Thanks for making the first Owen joke, Kungjitsu. I was going to say Owen Hart’s ziplines earlier, but thought that might be too far, even for me.
The Secrets of Diversity Training with Michael Hayes
Messiah brand gloves.
Boating lessons in the Ozarks with Harley Race.
Ass-kicking classes with Zack Gowan.
Speech therapy with Jack Swagger
Jeff Hardy’s fire safety course.
Cocaine addiction and recovery with Gino Hernandez.
/that one felt gross
Women Who Love Too Much workshop with A.J. Lee
Brandon, can you dig up the Sin Cara comic and do a comicbookalliance style Best and Worst of it? Perhaps you can team with Chris Sims.
Scott Hall School of Life Management.