6. KVanValkenburg

KVV is actually a respected writer so he’d come in handy when you’re trying to remember what happened and then all of a sudden stories of you humping a lighting fixture naked are in Vanity Fair.

7. Suss2hyphens

Suss is a funny dude and never takes himself too seriously, which will come in handy when you’re out of booze and a group of drifters makes you do awful stuff for a half-drunk 40.

8. RickMuscles

Muscles is more than one year sober so I won’t be able to trip balls with him, but he’ll be extra-Southern and help us lift stuff so he’s a good add to the team.

9. DanRubenstein

Rubenstein has enough issues moving from LA to New York so it’d be a lot of fun seeing how he tried to adapt to the desert. Even though he’d probably eat all of our sandwiches.

10. ClueHeywood

Clue does an excellent job of chronicling the madness in Arizona, which is similar to the madness at Burning Man except heavily armed.

11. DannyFordIsGod

Chili has been spending his post-collegiate years going to Burning Man-type parties in Thailand, which not only makes him ideal for this list but makes you wonder why you didn’t do the same. Seems like a better use of $100,000 than law school.

12. GourmetSpud

Spud has always been funnier than me and I’ve always hated him for it, so I’m taking him to Burning Man to give him some bad acid as a measure of revenge.

13. Ethan_Booker

Booker is a TV writer in LA so I expect him to have a major revelation at Burning Man like Roman did in the last episode of Party Down

14. Lt_Winslow

Winslow is a Jewish lawyer from Miami so he’d be like Sean Penn in Carlito’s Way and probably end up running a cartel after a week in the desert.

15. Nastinchka

Holly is the only woman I put on this list (sorry I’m a chauvinist!) but she doesn’t put up with any crap so we’d need her to keep all the dudebros in line.