Worst: Hey WWE, I Legitimately Love Kaitlyn And Even I Don’t Give A Shit Who Attacked Her
I don’t usually remember it when I’m writing about contract signings or in-ring weddings or whatever and compile a list of the worst tropes in wrestling history, but the newest and worst spot on that list goes to “getting ahold of security footage from backstage on the night of whenever whatever happened”. It’s the worst. I refuse to believe that Kaitlyn “got ahold of” any footage, or that she could ZOOM AND ENHANCE enough to get information about her attacker without knowing who her attacker was. Pretty sure I could watch five seconds of any Diva walking around or fighting in a mask and tell you who it was. If she fell down twice during the attack, it was Aksana. If she walks like Jack Skellington, it was Alicia Fox.
I also don’t buy that Kaitlyn could work for a billion-dollar, world-traveling pro wrestling company and not get IMMEDIATE access to the security footage, or that she had to f**king spelunk for it for two weeks. Why not ask WWE security? WWE has two security guys standing at the end of every row of fans and like 85 wrestlers backstage at any given time, I’m pretty sure one of them (or the cameraman who follows people around while they stretch or walk) would know something. Additionally, WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THIS, SERIOUSLY, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR GUESS WHO? GAME. SO THE ATTACKER WAS BLONDE, IS BETH PHOENIX SUDDENLY WWE’S SIGNATURE BLONDE
If Kaitlyn got into a match by accident and got shuffled out of it at the last minute, let’s call that a recovered fumble and move on with our lives.
Worst: Beth Phoenix Isn’t Even Good Enough To GET To Mars
Beth should just hang it up, or invest in a tracksuit and a pair of dancing girls and learn how to do the Everybody Walk The Dinosaur dance. Watching the “toughest Diva in WWE history” get Critical’d by an Eve Torres boot to the “stomach” and a neckbreaker that simulates how people get into bed is sad.
Somewhere Natalya is standing beside a television, looking over her shoulder at it and laughing because sure, she had to fart on television, but not like THAT.
Worst: John Cena Is Sad About All The Time He’s Gonna Miss, Doesn’t Know Where His Career Will Take Him, Will Be Here Next Week, Will Main Event Next Pay-Per-View
Everybody who thinks John Cena will miss even one hour of one Raw because of elbow surgery, raise your hand.
Now, everybody who is worried about Cena’s chances at Hell In A Cell, regardless of whether or not you think he’ll lose, raise your hand.
Finally, everybody who enjoys hearing Cena sing-song his way through another in an endless string of “some of you like me some of you don’t, that’s okay, I come out here each and every night to perform for you the fans and I am coming to fight at X pay-per-view and I will leave the WWE Champion” things, raise your hand.
Unless we’re reading this column aloud in the Make-A-Wish wing of John Cena Hospital, nobody should’ve raised their hands. You are going to be here next week, John. You are fine. You will either win or lose at Hell In A Cell and it will have nothing to do with you, because you’re not a wrestler anymore, you’re a thing that happens. The build to Survivor Series will probably involve you being unsure of yourself but knowing you’re COMING TO FIGHT or whatever and you’ll get at least 5 more title shots before WrestleMania. It’s fine. Just stop pretend-cursing.
Worst: Comedy Cursing
I shouldn’t have been surprised that the guy who used to have a RUCK FULES t-shirt would think comedy cursing is funny. I can’t imagine anyone in the world enjoyed that. Even when Cena was halfway through his “I tried to keep it PG!” dipshit chaser you could hear the agony of a bit steamrolled through in his voice.
Please stop fridging talking on my gallblame wrestling show, you hobby-lobbied divorced motherflanker.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Alex *, with an assist from Lobster Mobster
TEAM FRIENDSHIP A GO
Jerry Lawler tells his story? “Uhh, my arm started to hurt, I couldn’t breathe, then I woke up in the hospital. I’m lucky to be alive and I just want to thank…/brogue kicked by Sheamus.
Would everyone start screaming in horror if popcorn started floating up and then disappearing?
Gerald, just give me all the steamed vegetables you have. Wait, wait. I’m worried what you just heard was, “Give me a lot of steamed vegetables.” What I said was, “Give me all the steamed vegetables you have”. Do you understand?
Stone Cold Jane Austen
STORYLINE IDEA: THE COBRA TURNS HEEL AND SANTINO FEUDS WITH HIS OWN ARM. “I HAVEN’T MASTURBATED IN 2 MONTHS” HE TELLS AN AGHAST JOSH MATHEWS.
Punk: “HEY MICK…… I’LL THINK ABOUT IT!”
“Hey Triple H, this might work better if Cena showed a little bit of vulnerability.”
“Nah, let’s just talk about respect some more.”
Ricardo: All right, let’s do this. RIIICARDOOOOO!!!! ROODRIGUEZZZZ!!!!
Otunga: Oh, God! He just ran in!
Del Rio: The plan! The plan! Stick to the plan!!
Lawler has the support of the people, but let’s put it in context. Nobody wants King Brian Christopher.
REALLY surprised WWE isn’t calling this trio “Law & Border”