Worst: Hey WWE, I Legitimately Love Kaitlyn And Even I Don’t Give A Shit Who Attacked Her
I don’t usually remember it when I’m writing about contract signings or in-ring weddings or whatever and compile a list of the worst tropes in wrestling history, but the newest and worst spot on that list goes to “getting ahold of security footage from backstage on the night of whenever whatever happened”. It’s the worst. I refuse to believe that Kaitlyn “got ahold of” any footage, or that she could ZOOM AND ENHANCE enough to get information about her attacker without knowing who her attacker was. Pretty sure I could watch five seconds of any Diva walking around or fighting in a mask and tell you who it was. If she fell down twice during the attack, it was Aksana. If she walks like Jack Skellington, it was Alicia Fox.
I also don’t buy that Kaitlyn could work for a billion-dollar, world-traveling pro wrestling company and not get IMMEDIATE access to the security footage, or that she had to f**king spelunk for it for two weeks. Why not ask WWE security? WWE has two security guys standing at the end of every row of fans and like 85 wrestlers backstage at any given time, I’m pretty sure one of them (or the cameraman who follows people around while they stretch or walk) would know something. Additionally, WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THIS, SERIOUSLY, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR GUESS WHO? GAME. SO THE ATTACKER WAS BLONDE, IS BETH PHOENIX SUDDENLY WWE’S SIGNATURE BLONDE
If Kaitlyn got into a match by accident and got shuffled out of it at the last minute, let’s call that a recovered fumble and move on with our lives.
Worst: Beth Phoenix Isn’t Even Good Enough To GET To Mars
Beth should just hang it up, or invest in a tracksuit and a pair of dancing girls and learn how to do the Everybody Walk The Dinosaur dance. Watching the “toughest Diva in WWE history” get Critical’d by an Eve Torres boot to the “stomach” and a neckbreaker that simulates how people get into bed is sad.
Somewhere Natalya is standing beside a television, looking over her shoulder at it and laughing because sure, she had to fart on television, but not like THAT.
Worst: John Cena Is Sad About All The Time He’s Gonna Miss, Doesn’t Know Where His Career Will Take Him, Will Be Here Next Week, Will Main Event Next Pay-Per-View
Everybody who thinks John Cena will miss even one hour of one Raw because of elbow surgery, raise your hand.
Now, everybody who is worried about Cena’s chances at Hell In A Cell, regardless of whether or not you think he’ll lose, raise your hand.
Finally, everybody who enjoys hearing Cena sing-song his way through another in an endless string of “some of you like me some of you don’t, that’s okay, I come out here each and every night to perform for you the fans and I am coming to fight at X pay-per-view and I will leave the WWE Champion” things, raise your hand.
Unless we’re reading this column aloud in the Make-A-Wish wing of John Cena Hospital, nobody should’ve raised their hands. You are going to be here next week, John. You are fine. You will either win or lose at Hell In A Cell and it will have nothing to do with you, because you’re not a wrestler anymore, you’re a thing that happens. The build to Survivor Series will probably involve you being unsure of yourself but knowing you’re COMING TO FIGHT or whatever and you’ll get at least 5 more title shots before WrestleMania. It’s fine. Just stop pretend-cursing.
Worst: Comedy Cursing
I shouldn’t have been surprised that the guy who used to have a RUCK FULES t-shirt would think comedy cursing is funny. I can’t imagine anyone in the world enjoyed that. Even when Cena was halfway through his “I tried to keep it PG!” dipshit chaser you could hear the agony of a bit steamrolled through in his voice.
Please stop fridging talking on my gallblame wrestling show, you hobby-lobbied divorced motherflanker.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Alex *, with an assist from Lobster Mobster
TEAM FRIENDSHIP A GO
Philo Beddoe
Jerry Lawler tells his story? “Uhh, my arm started to hurt, I couldn’t breathe, then I woke up in the hospital. I’m lucky to be alive and I just want to thank…/brogue kicked by Sheamus.
Michelanvalo
Would everyone start screaming in horror if popcorn started floating up and then disappearing?
ScooterMcGooch
Gerald, just give me all the steamed vegetables you have. Wait, wait. I’m worried what you just heard was, “Give me a lot of steamed vegetables.” What I said was, “Give me all the steamed vegetables you have”. Do you understand?
Stone Cold Jane Austen
STORYLINE IDEA: THE COBRA TURNS HEEL AND SANTINO FEUDS WITH HIS OWN ARM. “I HAVEN’T MASTURBATED IN 2 MONTHS” HE TELLS AN AGHAST JOSH MATHEWS.
CMDrunk
Punk: “HEY MICK…… I’LL THINK ABOUT IT!”
SHough610
“Hey Triple H, this might work better if Cena showed a little bit of vulnerability.”
“Nah, let’s just talk about respect some more.”
redshirt
Ricardo: All right, let’s do this. RIIICARDOOOOO!!!! ROODRIGUEZZZZ!!!!
Otunga: Oh, God! He just ran in!
Del Rio: The plan! The plan! Stick to the plan!!
DanY
Lawler has the support of the people, but let’s put it in context. Nobody wants King Brian Christopher.
MillionDollarDan
REALLY surprised WWE isn’t calling this trio “Law & Border”
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now let’s if I got my credit for team “Hell No”… :)
There’s been about 4 Stroudmouths all claiming credit for “Hell No”, myself included…
Yeah I had the feeling that I should have scrolled down a bit more when I read the column a day late…but in my world I’m gonna be in the next edition of the WWE Encyclopedia for this achievement it will BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES!
Anyone else worried that they might be way over-doing the Kane and Daniel Bryan skits, though? I mean, I love seeing them together (with the in-ring stuff – primarily the chair beatdown from last Friday – being truly awesome) but they’re getting so many segments on Raw AND Smackdown that they’ve sort of become the centre of the universe. Shoot, I know the WWE has no self-control when it comes to spamming their audience with stuff…but they are really going buck-wild with Team Hell No segments.
It wasn’t so much the over-saturation (which WWE won’t be able to stop themselves from doing so we might as well accept it) as it was that those were the first sketches that I thought we truly lame. They weren’t clever and felt like the typical WWE comedy garbage.
Basically, I’m imagining that the earlier sketches were probably written/created mostly by Bryan/Kane/and one or two creative guys but then, once they got super popular, now everyone in power has ideas and they got watered down and dumb. Just kinda how it felt to me.
YES! Thank you for distracting me from the omnipresent discussion of my favorite team getting screw jobbed last night.
Now where’s the Trios B&W? HELP GET ME THROUGH THE REST OF MY WORK DAY
read the pre-show notes, guy!
Did, still demanding it. I am a petulant child and have spent the day using MNF as an excuse for it. I don’t see any signs of it stopping.
You’ve got ’till Friday, Stroud. *Stares at brass knucks* :)
Damn right you’ve got til Friday. Me and Alex* are the With Leather Vegas Mob AND proud graduates of The William Regal School of Brass Knuckle Shenanigans.
I’ll be the Lodi of this particular Flock.
I loved the Ryback match too! Only I don’t like the beat-the-champion-a-minimum of-5-times-before-you-get-atitle-shot thing, ruins the excitement of when he’ll hoist the chip.
Right. He probably should’ve just had this match when it was time to win the Intercontinental Championship. Non-title losses for champions are the dumbest.
^^1000% true.
When I woke up this morning I had no idea that “Christy Hemme cumming > Daniel Bryan cumming” would greet me this afternoon.
Holy Moly!
(Excellent work as always, Brandon.)
well, it’s true (I’m assuming)
I clearly was wrong for missing out on the Wrestlemania goes Hollywood promo campaign. I imagine Randy Orton was on some Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom type shit. (Not literally, mind you.)
The Taxi Driver skit was one of my all time favorites.
Uh oh. Give me another couple days to finish watching Trios. Night 1 was easily the most enjoyable wrestling experience of my life. Are you aware you received a shout out during the commentary, Brandon?
yep, during the first match on Night 1.
Man, Team JWP totally made my night. OK, I’ll stop. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.
True Facts: Night 2 is better than Night 1 and Night 3 is even better.
THESTINGER speaks the truth, I loved Nights 1 and 2 but Night 3 was absurdly excellent.
Once you get to JWP/Throwbacks on Night 2, there’s no turning back.
I’m sad the DVDs don’t have subtitles, because I was totally going to pause it when Bryce said “A guy from Austin named Brandon Stroud”, and take an angled watching picture of it so I could be all “I know that guy (In the sense that I read his columns, never met the man before)!”. But nooo, Trios/Chikara hates the hard of hearing!
We really need to remedy that at some point (us hanging out in real life, not the subtitles thing).
I mean, we can subtitle the picture and then have Lobster watching it/the internet on TV, old WithLeather meme style
Just make sure she’s facing forward and looking sideways at the TV/monitor.
You mention Ring Ka King and reference The Backyard in the same write up? Most excellent.
Welp, Brandon hates the Beastie Boys. lol
I really thought I could handle the 3 hours and you (Brandon) were blowing this out of proportion, but man do I need to give you props. I was in and out and being on the west coast feed, i was interested in the Seattle Screwjob.
Anyway, Raw is becoming Saturday Night Live to me. They’re lampooning anything. The Sonnen/Punk swing and the miss kick, the Vicki and Eastwooding, and last night’s WWE must be using replacement referees. Which prompted the trending topics of XFL and Vince McMahon. Go Los Angeles Xtreme, Ruck the San Fran Demons. The Bryan/Kane skits were the SNL Digital Shorts, and the God awful always laughing in the skits Jimmy Fallon (Send for the man) a.k.a. A.J. who to me is too focus on not breaking character and just looks rucking stupid.
Am I wrong here?
Anyway, HHH is Lorene Michaels.
Thanks for the top 10 nod, but that finger painting was something Alex* sent to me to utilize my picture posting powers.
Awesome column again.
I really need to figure out how to give that to more people.
I AM THE TOP 10 COMMENTS!
Yes give me picture posting powers please! -please please Please Please PLEASE!
I’m not the top ten comments. . .
*sad face*
*joins Jack Swagger on Marth*
I’d use it solely on The USA Guy videos. And maybe bingo, if I ever gather the strength to do that again.
How do we cash in our WithLeather top 10 redemption points?
Ask again after episode 116, we might have it figured out by then
I think we can all agree T-Boggs Bear is Titus o’ Neil.
I’m pretty sure I would lost posting power very quickly. Nobody likes my wrestling centaur photoshops…
“Can you do pushups on Mars?” was literally the only thing I wanted to find out in the JSOM story. The rest is just gravy. Vegan, soy-based gravy.
And I don’t want to jinx this, but I think they somehow set up the tag team division almost perfectly. Everybody loves Kane and Bryan, so they get the belts to do the reluctant champions thing. You have Rhodes Scholar (!!!!!) as two guys that the fans almost universally dislike, and who obviously aren’t in this for the long haul, to feud with them for the time being. Not only that, but there’s a bunch of other teams feuding with each other just because it’s a good wrestling thing to have happen. So when those feuds all end, one of those other teams (PTP plz.) just got done winning a feud, have been around and doing stuff long enough for people to care about them, and can move into a feud with the champs. By God, that’s how you’re supposed to do it!
At the very absolute least, TLC could have an EPIC tag team title match.
I really hope Punk and Ryback will fight soon and Ryback loses. That way his character can evolve. Fun fact about Ryback’s “Feed Me More” song. . . It was stuck on loop in my head while I ran last night, and I beat my personal best of running 10K by over 3 minutes.
It’s really starting to bother me that only Jawn Cena gets to wear pink while wrestlers who have worn the colour before are forced to wear other colours. Perhaps it’s because Cena called Ziggler a homo like 3 weeks ago for wearing pink, but, last night declared ‘real men wear pink.’ Such bullshit. At this point, I expect the Rock to make an appearance wearing a pink shirt and call everyone not wearing pink trannie lovin’Butter Chicken dicks. Because he had indian food, you see.
After my jaw hitting the ground with Layla’s attire, I think I know what’s wrong with Eve. Her attire is outdated and kind of shitty. She needs something new, and not just the same outfit in a different colour.
“and if the stories of this being a Triple H orchestration are true, I am prime and ready to blow that man for his creative ideas on the reg,”
Stay tuned next week when Triple H burries the tag team division as he becomes the tag team champions.
Another great write up.
Ziggler and Sandow are real men.
True story, whenever I listen to Batista’s theme song, I immediately become a much more angry and violent person. I actually quite like the song, so I have no clue why it’s my black Spidey suit.
Hilarious B&W, even the top ten comments were especially good, and JSoM… crying with laughter. I’ve had a rough day but this totally cheered me up.
Also, I miss Christy Hemme. And the fact that her entrance music (and the theme song of her Diva Search) was called ‘Walk Idiot Walk’.
By Sweden’s own The Hives! Who gave fantastic interviews for those normal fluff pieces, including “when I buy a shirt I have to ask: ‘is this Hives or not Hives?’”
That was the most amusing thing about the First Diva search. .. That and the other contestants saying when it was down to the final 5 that they don’t care if they win, just don’t vote for Carmella because she’s a terrible person and is far from being fan friendly.
Oh right! I’d completely forgotten about Carmella. Yeah, they all seemed to legitimately hate her.
Your Kofi hate is incredibly tiresome. Rest was great, as usual.
I never just say I hate him and not provide reasons. If you want to make a counter argument as to why he’s great, I’d love to hear it. I’m not “right”, I’m just writing about how I feel.
also he’s fucking terrible and you’re blind
I was thinking about this in anticipation of your hate. Not only is Kidd also athletic but a lot of dudes are. I’m sure ADR is, Hunico could do that shit, but maybe Kofi looks like he should be athletic so he gets that spot.
But Kidd and Hunico are great in the ring. Especially together.
Yup. What I’m saying is that there’s only room for one jumping guy. It looked around MITB that Kidd might take that spot but alas. They don’t want to run real Hoss fights or high flying shit that doesn’t sell masks, just Randy Orton-type matches :(
I miss Kurt Angle, but I miss Christy more.
it’s true, it’s true
Brandon, I am calling bullpoop, (bull poop I say!) on your whole John Cena needs to show he’s vulnerable arguement. Dear sir, what do you think Cena has been doing since two weeks before Wrestlemania? He doubted his career when facing the Rock, he doubted he’d ever be the same man after being with Lesnar and he showed weakness last night with his elbow injury. What more is he supposed to do to show vulnerability?
An idea for Sheamus that’ll never happen: Orton feuds with Sheamus and messes Sheamus’ world up. Orton will be to Kane what Sheamus will be to Ryder. Sheamus takes some time off and returns as the ultra serious Celtic Warrior that we all love. And nobody will ever mention his racist 5 year old logic character ever again.
Pretending to be vulnerable and BEING vulnerable are two different things. Cena can say he’ll never be the same if he loses, but then he loses and is totally fine and exactly the same. He has elbow surgery and cries about how he’ll miss DOIN THIS FOR ALL YOU FANS, then never takes any time off and still main events the pay-per-view. It’s not true vulnerability, it’s a cover. I’d honestly prefer him stop pretending to be vulnerable and just be indestructible Superman if he’s not going to follow-through with anything.
I half agree with what you’re saying. The whole elbow surgery thing would be best if he did take time off, even if it is only until after Hell in a Cell. With that said, his rationale of shaking his losses off and acting like everything is going to be OK is exactly how a real fighter handles his vulnerability. Matt Hughes, Brock Lesner, Andrei Arlovsky, Chuck Lidell are just a few guys that come to mind that showed vulnerability in their losses like Cena. Like Cena said to Punk a few weeks back, a fighter cannot accept that another is the best in the world. There’s lots of truth in that, I’m sure. Perhaps there needs to be a GTV moment which catches Cena behind the scenes to show how hurt he really is and that he’s putting up a front for all his fans? Or maybe someone needs to call him out on it, uncovering Cena’s true feelings? I dunno.
The thing is, normally when they have a face chase a heel for a year, the heel puts obstacles between himself and the face. Cena’s little sidequests on this chase, meanwhile, are entirely self-inflicted. He went on that idiotic Kane plot because he wanted to rise above hate or something to show he could still be John Cena and win. He had to deal with the Rock because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut a year ago. I have no earthly clue why he even cared about Big Show. And then he remembered “Durr, I’m John Cena, I need my spinner belt toy back!”
When that would have all been fine if Punk had been using everyone else to keep Cena off of him, promising a rematch after he got through them only to pull it back. It would have felt like the Unfair Champ was stacking the odds against people’s champ Cena, and that would have been just excellent. And I know that Punk was red hot face over following Criss-Cross Applesauce and NoC, but still. Royal Rumble till now could have been a nice build. Instead of a steaming pile of “DURRR MAKE CENA AWESOME.”
And you could even build that up to Survivor Series- have Punk, forced to stall yet again, agree to kick off the show with an old-school SS match. Team Punk v. Team Cena (with the stip that if both men are in the ring, one has to tag out- keep the match teased for the main event), and if Team Cena wins, he gets his title shot in the main event. Of course Cena will win that one, and it won’t be a surprise, but how long will he be kept in the ring? Will Team Punk injure him? Will Punk take an injury himself during the match? And then, at the end of the night when Super Cena comes out to play, it’d blow the doors off of the arena.
I missed last nights show because my beloved Seahawks were stealing victories and my wife had the GD DVR clogged up with what seemed like 10 hours of singing and dancing shows.
Good recap, I hope Swagger and Beth have strong Martian babies
BOOOO! GOLDEN TATE < DAVID ARQUETTE'S WCW TITLE REIGN. ALSO, THOSE REFS <<<<<<<< VINCE RUSSO AND THE FINGERPOKE OF DOOM COMBINED.
Man, WCW really had some shitty things, huh?
to quote a friend of mine. If RAW ended w/ a Punk vs. Rock title match w/ Red Rooster stealing the belt it would’ve been more believable than Monday Night Football
@DevilDinosaur: I would gladly take that ending over Super Cereal Cena and the inanimate carbon rod.
Thanks for this write-up Brandon. A crap day was made infinitely better by everything in this report, not to mention JSoM. TEAM HUGGABUNCH
Not sure if my comment didn’t go through…or Brandon deleted it because he didn’t like it.
I think Uproxx is having issues today.
It did white screen on me for some raisin as I was trying to get on.
RhodesScholarWorldOrder 4LIFE
I know Brandon is denying us a KoT “Best of..” because we couldn’t make it there but damm am I developing a serious crush on the Sendai girls. Manami Toyota as well. She’s giving me a husband bulge.
Nice as always. I am always watching Raw now and trying to gauge how this column will go, so mad props yo for bringing wrestling back in my life.
Or I should curse you for bringing it back. I don’t know for sure. And Jack Swagger of Mars has a new follower!
In talking about the tag team division, you forgot to mention Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel and those sick $10 Champion neon-green shirts they’re wearing
Also I want to know…is the Sandow shirt for sale yet?? Do I have to strangle an idiot to get one? Tip the scales to the intellectual side?
Yes it is!
Facebook’d, Twitter’d, Tumblr’d
More gold. Thanks for all the hard work.
I THINK Cole mentioned “Shell Shock(ed)” being named by Ryback a few months back, but I believe you’re correct in this being the first mention of the aforementioned previously having been named finisher.
I’m stealing the Team Friendship and JSOM photos and making my own damn shirts.
I can’t be the only one who laughed at CM Punk calling Cena a “passive aggressive wienie”
Maybe this show is aimed at dopes like me.
@Brandon, I’m not sure if you were aware but Daniel Bryan had to break vegan-edge a few weeks ago due to a recently developed soy intolerance. He’s still vegetarian but no long vegan.
please consult last week’s column!
I’m at work and on limited time to read these, sorry for any missteps.
I think Wade Barrett’s Swing Dance Elbow finisher is kind of neat. Then again, I like goofy Johnny Saint-style chain wrestling stuff.
Wade is ready for when he appears on Dancing with the Stars with that move and the Black Hole Slam.
I always liked that mule-kick thing he would do. Not sure if Barrett v2.0 is keeping it but I hope so.
I don’t know what they’re going to do if they ever bring up Chris Hero’s stupid “KO” gimmick. Will be forced to sit through Wade Barrett/KO tough man competition style matches where they just “Davey Richards” themselves with elbows til we fall asleep?
Brandon, I love you but I am NOT reading that much Jack Swagger fan fiction.
seconded.
Your loss.
Your loth.
I wonder if CM Punk is suddenly really into Lana Del Rey.
Jack Swagger of Mars chapter two summary – Serpent crushed my ouse cweam!
cut. it. out, Lobster.
sheesh-bo-beesh, Alex, just tryin’ to provide some Cliff’s Notes, don’t see the harm in that, gosh
Another great B&W sir.
Terrific read, I am welcome.
Thanks Brandon, awesome write up as always. Even if RAW doesn’t bring the goods, you always manage to. I said this last night, but I would have liked D-Bry and Kane to go with the Asparabuddies. Leading to an Asparagus VS little Jimmy feud. Epic.
Did I mention I like how Sandow holds the microphone like he’s holding a cup of wine?
That totally bugs me, I work in the wine biz and no one holds a wine glass like that. You hold it by the stem so the heat in your hands doesn’t warm up the wine.
Not wine. Brandy snifter.
that makes total sense.
It’s 2012 and the main event of the flagship show was a Brodus Clay / Tensai no-contest. Then the Big Show came in and we had a solid ton of slow, boring, crap in the ring all at once. Big Show punches people and for the 27th time, the announcers have to pretend he’s a major threat instead of the lummox who loses every single PPV match he’s in.
Oh and there’s a tag match with two commercial breaks JUST DURING THE INTROS. And a throwaway Diva tag. And a Ryback squash. And to fill time, a bunch of recaps to things that just happened. Maybe the therapist character can get really angry and yell at Kane & Bryan, they’ve only done that 6 times so far.
No more RAW for a long while, I give up.
This, this, a million times this! I think that’s the biggest reason why Money in the Bank was such a great moment for me as a fan (and for a lot of other people). For too long the WWE has told us that this is the AN EPIC CLASHING OF TITANS! A MEETING OF THE TWO GREATEST OF THEIR GENERATION! I know this sounds super too-cool-for-school but Punk-Cena mattered more to me than Rock-Cena.
I know it was in my comment but if Cena had talked about how he’s had a really crappy year: Punk beat him LAST YEAR at MITB, he lost at Summerslam, Rock beat him, Brock beat him to hell, he’s been divorced, etc. you could have a great moment where Cena really wants to win the WWE title to reenforce his belief in himself. But it seems like everything rolls off Cena like water off a duck’s back.
Also, the WWE missed a great character moment with team friendship: have Kane eat some sort of piece of meat off the salad (a piece of chicken? I don’t know) and have Daniel Bryan eat the spaghetti (which isn’t vegan because there are big balls of meat on top and I’m assuming cheese, but do you think the WWE fans know that?) and have them both get pissed about the other cheating.
LOL! con Cara…
Also, regarding “Rhodes Scholar”: I imagine the WWE creative team was in the back, brains fried trying to think of a team name for Rhodes & Sandow, when ALL OF THE SUDDEN! our good friend, Derr…I mean, USA GUY, goes up to their chalkboard & writes “Rhodes Scholar” on it & gets all the applauds from the creative team.
A Glee reference, I fear for you Brandon. Also, I donno if I was just in a good mood but thinking back to last night I enjoyed Raw more yesterday than I have for the last month of so.
I’m extremely psyched for Rhodes Scholars. I can only hope the unanimous joy was felt at some midichlorian level.
I completely see what you’re saying about the Kane and Bryan skits (they really were hit or miss), but the third was really the worst. The first had its glory in Kane’s monologue. But I really liked the “When Harry Met Sally” bit. It was just so silly and pointless (the chair shot orgy said it all on Smackdown) that I actually laughed in the out loud.
I also have to disagree with the Kaitlyn thing. Again, I see where you’re coming from and normally I’d agree. But if they’re going in this direction for a Kelly Kelly heel turn, I’m kinda all for it. Why not? It’s interesting in that she’s like the Cena of the Divas division (as cliché and shallow as that argument usually is), and it’s at least a story with mysterious undertones; it could use depth but whatever.
However, I completely agree with your stuff on Lawler. After JBL’s incredible two-show run, I was floored by how much Jerry’s presence stymied the shows enjoyability. Wrestling needs more than what Lawler can offer now, and if it’s painfully obvious in just two nights, then what the hell, man? Take your much-deserved retirement and be healthy and happy that the thing you loved is moving on in a good way.
RHODES SCHOLARS!!
I’m also happy about Hell No. They’ll probably drop the “Team” part soon enough. The Corporation used to be Team Corporate, after all.
Speaking of which… What you say about the continued folly of the morality play is spot on. I think the WWE has always, in some way, had the jingoisitic faux-populism approach to its character’s motivations. It’s just more pronounced, now. Stone Cold started off being a bad-ass heartless monster and the crowd loved it. He did it all for himself; the individual. McMahon originally played the nerdy, reason-obsessed rationalist. He tried to calm and appease Stone Cold, but he naturally became soured by the experience and became evil in response. Suddenly, Stone Cold’s the good guy because McMahon snaps and takes it to the extreme.
The WWE, today, is like the first part of that in a loop, never panning to the latter. I sometimes feel like it’s some weirdly modern conservative, Republican thing. But only flippantly.
I also just want to say that I found JR oddly out of touch. He would hit a brief stride but then stumble and say something lacking in that “JR hyperbole j’en sais quoi.” Like when he said, “Well, you know, Punk is a very devious, evil individual, apparently(?)… But Cena is – smart. Very smart.” I hope it’s not old age getting to him, but it’s understandable if it is. I would like to believe that it’s someone in his ear stressing him and causing him to flub and slip up. But whatever, maybe it’s just me.
Anyway, sorry for the length of this. I just get excited reading your stuff that I have to contribute. The tl;dr version is: RHODES SCHOLARS.
Also Damien Sandow shirt.
Brandon, thank you for another wonderful column and for giving me a place I feel at home discussing things that I get mocked mercilessly for when I try to discuss with co-workers and some friends (other friends just happen to be pretty awesome).
As part of my Yom Kippur atonement I would like to apologize to you and the wonderful family who make these threads such a fun and welcoming place (as long as you don’t just bad mouth things for no reason) for any missteps or what-have-you I may have committed on the boards. This includes a week or two ago when, in hindsight, I got a little overprotective about a tag team name.
I’m so hungry.
#L’ShanaTova
Wait, Big John Studd is dead? Why did no one tell me this?
Because no one has told WWE Creative yet…
I missed the live thread, but that Leroy Jenkins reference is one of my favorite things now.
I’m not enjoying reading Jack Swagger of Mars as much as I did Dune, but dammit if it isn’t drawing comparisons to my favorite Sci-Fi things ever.
Can’t watch Raw because of work so I’ve been watching SmackDown. To be honest, it’s not that bad, and according to these reports, MIGHT be more enjoyable. Then again, I can’t remember a damn thing that happened with Sheamus, so I think my mind just blocks that out automatically.
This was an enjoyable read, B-Stro. The Top 10 Comments were especially great this week. Congrats everyone that got in.
The Team Friendship image is now the background image on my iPhone. Thank you, Alex and LM.
Glad to be of service!
Great column. I will be using “motherflanker” in today’s staff meeting.
Wow, I made the top 10. I am shocked.
But I laughed so hard at Jane’s comment. I think people at work are wondering if I’m high.
brb, piss test.
Also, as a real comment, how does telling a man no and then getting hit in the stomach with an aluminum tube mean you accepted his PPV challenge?
Well, Punk didn’t, but he will because WWELOGIX dictates that Punk is now humiliated and will do whatever is necessary to redeem his good name.
Do you know what the fuck you can do with some aluminum tubes?
You know, I REALLY thought my suggestion to pair up Brodus and Sandow and call them “Funkthesaurus” had some real potential as the first ever pre-show Top Ten comment. Then “Rhodes Scholar” had to go and joke-block me. Which is the ONLY negative thing I’ll ever say about Rhodes Scholar (other than Cody’s gotta just call it “Rhodes Scholar”, and not “Team Rhodes Scholars”, because the latter is stupid).
And I wondered about why they had Ryback annihilate Miz in a non-title match like that until the end of the show – are we sure Ryback isn’t “plan B” if Cena really can’t go at HIAC? Isn’t that the worst possible option?
“Wow, John Cena may be out injured for Wrestlemania 29.”
Says nobody
Now that Rhodes Scholar has happened, if this is the beginning of Ryback’s ten-year title reign I will never forgive you.
If Miz had YOLO’d this wouldn’t be a problem.
When Ryback’s eventual DVD is released, I assume With Leather is donating a copy to every Autism charity in North America.
I love the Ryback squash matches, especially as he moves up to progressively tougher opponents. It’s been great to see him upwardly move from taking on one jobber, then two jobbers, then Jinder Mahal. However, I hated the fact that he killed Miz in two minutes.
Brandon, you mention this occasionally yourself, but what possible value does Miz’s belt have now? If he can get killed that easily in a non-title match against anyone, isn’t he obviously not the true champion? The IC belt is their third best, so the holder shouldn’t be pinned before I get back from a bathroom break.
Am I alone in liking that Barrett finisher? I mean, yeah, it’s basically a combo of the WMD, Narcissist Forearm and Clothesline from Hell, but it fits with the “bare-knuckle brawler” character, and the short-arm set up also is a nice little callback to some of Wade’s “finer things club” tendencies. And it does look more brutal than Wasteland.
I love you Jack Swagger of Mars, every chapter, every paragraph, every sentence, every word…
I enjoyed last night’s show a lot, minus the Cena thing. It would be such a best if Punk turned it around on Cena just by being like, “Let’s not pretend this is about me not being a true champion, John. This is about the fact that you don’t think you have what it takes to be the top guy in this business anymore. You haven’t won a major match since you won the Raw Money in the Bank, and then you failed on the cash in. You need to beat me to feel like you still have it, and as much as you deny it, you are doubting yourself. That’s why despite losing to me time and time again, you continue to berate me like I’m doing something wrong. All I’m doing is cementing my status as the top guy in this company. A status you relinquished a long time ago.”
Or something like that.
Great recap, Brandon!
Lawler has the support of the people, but let’s put it in context. Nobody wants King Brian Christopher. – DanY
Hands down the most I’ve laughed at a Top 10 comment. Genius.
I totally forgot about that Hemme/Angle thing, its great.
“Jack looked at his futuristic watch: -63 C. “Thank goodness I’m wearing boots, kneepads, a spandex onesie and some wrist tape,” he thought.”
Hahahahahahahahaha.
Dearest B-ran (god, that was horrible),
Just wanted to say thank for these B&W each week. Between you and a couple of man-children who will be instrumental in my death, I have slowly gotten back into wrestling from when I was younger. Makes my week to read these, and gives me a bit of perspective on not only large sweaty men trying to grab ass each other in front of thousands of children and toothless wonders, but also on the concept of entertainment itself and what it means to use words like “plot” and “vegan.”
Thanks again,
TheSuaveIdiot (or someone who may have a better UPROXX name in the future)