Worst: Just Start The Shows With Tag Team Main Event Graphics And Save Us 20 Minutes
I could attribute the fact that the opening 20 minutes of Raw sounded like a filibuster from Charlie Brown’s teacher to any number of things, including:
1. A magical weekend at Chikara pro wrestling’s King Of Trios tournament in Easton, PA, with a solid dozen old and new friends from the With Leather wrestling community. Night 3 of the event was legitimately one of the best wrestling shows I’ve ever seen, live or not, and coming back to Raw with the kind of enthusiasm you need to write six pages of Bests after tearing up twice (twice!) at an emotional, visceral live event is hard. Also, Raw will not end with me posing for a picture with a Japanese Colonel Sanders-themed wrestler. (Note: I’m writing a Best And Worst Of King Of Trios column for later in the week, so look out for that.)
2. Jet/travel lag. I flew into Philadelphia from Austin, Texas, then slept for like 40 minutes before driving two hours west-ish to Easton. The most substantial thing I had to eat between Thursday and Monday afternoon was a Ruby Tuesday salad bar.
3. Raw’s had a terrible tendency to go trough the motions on certain things, but taking way, way too long to go through them.
Number three is the big one, because “wrestling can be happy elsewhere” and “I got to go to wrestling shows” are terrible excuses. I don’t necessarily mind Paul Heyman wandering out to compliment a referee on his decision-making skills (I don’t mind Paul Heyman doing or saying anything) or the pay-per-view “controversy” recap and eventual “Teddy Long Operating AJ Like A Puppet” tag-teamery. I just hate that they have to take so freaking long to do it. Would any wrestling fan in the world have felt less satisfied if they’d just had Michael Cole go BREAKING NEWS ON A BLOCKBUSTER TAG TEAM MATCH ALBERTO DEL RIO TEAMS WITH CM PUNK TO FACE JOHN CENA AND SHEAMUS, IT’S LIKE THE PAY-PER-VIEW MATCHES BUT BOTH OF THEM?
You aren’t even robbed of “seeing” anybody. Everybody involved in this segment was involved elsewhere. It might’ve even made things better, if the folks who came to see Sheamus hadn’t seen Sheamus until LOBSTER HEAD kicked in for the main-event. You can sorta give us the benefit of the doubt on these things, WWE … if you have a one-segment match build and it ain’t that great (i.e. “it’s like the pay-per-view matches but both of them”), just have the match and let us figure it out.
If there was a single trope I could remove from pro wrestling forever, it would be “we have something scheduled for later or somewhere else, but let’s do it RIGHT HERE TONIGHT”.
Best: The Tag Team Division Might Actually Be Happening
I think most of us had probably written off “they’re rebuilding the tag division” as one of those “Ultimate Warrior died and was replaced” situations where it keeps getting reported as facts that only stupid people believe. But here we are with Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara going up against Epico and Primo to open the show, Titus O’Neil and Darren Young getting involved after the bell AND a tag title run featuring two persons of legitimate import in a story (good or bad). And they’re defending against the former champions, who didn’t just start hitting each other when they lost the belts. Teams are forming and staying together, and matches are happening. More importantly, they’re SAYING the tag team division is getting its shit together, which in WWE terms in a thousand times more important than wrestling or wrestlers.
And yeah, maybe this is all just a smokescreen to get Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio involved with each other enough to split them apart and run them at WrestleMania for a dumb “most masks” World Record or whatever, but it’s something, and it’s substantial. Sin Cara gets to look great every week, allowing tag matches to hide his WWE weaknesses and looking like the most fit and athletic dude ever next to Viscera-pants Rey Mysterio in his mysterious, sleeveless Spanx.
Best: The Prime Time Players Are Srs Bznss
Hey Darren … “nobody gonna take any wang from us”? You mean like KOBE BRYAN IN A COLORADO HOTEL ROOM?
If you haven’t been enjoying the Prime Time Players as dancing football enthusiasts, perhaps you’ll enjoy them as HYPER-VIOLENT TERRY CREWS and his weird friend Darren. I don’t love the change in attitude, mostly because the announcers going THIS IS A CHANGE IN ATTITUDE makes me think we’ll never see Titus calling personal fouls again, but I like to see them sticking around and being a thing. Pretty hilarious that the worst guy from NXT season 1 and the worst guy from NXT season 2 teamed up and made something out of themselves. Hey, Kaval and Johnny Curtis aren’t on TV anymore, and Kaitlyn was only around on Raw as an accident. All they’ve got to do is take out Wade Barrett and they’re better than every winner.
Best: JBL Is The F**king Best
My heart!
Jerry Lawler’s heart attack gave us two really great things: a new era of announce teams where they all get along and want the best for each other instead of challenging one another to barbecue foot eating matches or whatever, and JBL returning to “keep the seat warm”. I hope he keeps the seat warm forever, because f**k Jerry Lawler, Bradshaw is the shit.
Last night’s commentary team (when they weren’t briefly arguing about Twitter) was focused on talking about the matches, making the competitors seem important, getting over storylines and, most importantly, not saying CHIMMINNYCHONGA at the Mexican wrestlers until I had to change the channel. At one point during the Ziggler/Santino match I realized JBL had gotten over both wrestlers as legitimate athletes in like 30 seconds. Have they ever put as much emphasis on the “Santino is a goof, but he’s a shoot judo champion” thing before? It was great.
Stay forever, JBL, and keep Jim Ross with you. Only Southern people should be allowed to speak into a microphone during wrestling matches.
Worst: Good Luck On Mars, Beth Phoenix
I’m giving the match a Worst because it was two minutes of awful wrestling. There are, however, a couple of Bests.
- Eve remembering the last however many years of watching Beth Phoenix wrestle and utilizing a roll-up as soon as possible for an easy victory. Beth Phoenix is for real a turtle and cannot move if she’s slowly rolled backwards onto her back. Watch when she loses, she doesn’t even kick out all angry after three and jump to her feet, she just languishes there on the mat. SOMEBODY GO ROLL HER BACK OVER.
- Layla + real people clothes = Jesus
I also liked that WWE is so ashamed of Kaitlyn “accidentally” winning a Divas #1 Contenders Battle Royal that they not only had her get Tonya’d Harding at the pay-per-view, they had the announcers on Raw spend the entire Divas match explaining how nothing shady happened, and Kaitlyn just got injured by a masked person backstage because it’s wrestling and that shit just happens.
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First?
Also, last.
Can I start spamming this with all the Trios gifs I’m making? Because, Tadasuke is murdering Jigsaw over and over and over again in one of them.
Please don’t, the Chikara report will need tons of comments so save them for that.
Stinger, are you behind the heckyeahchikara Tumblr? Because every gif with Ebessan in it is the perpetual best.
Sadly, no. I’ll have to check in on it. I feel guilty because I never go onto Tumblr except to dump gifs on it because I really don’t understand Tumblr and only go onto like 5 different websites. I’ll have to look into it, though, because Ebessan is rad. Thanks, Wrestling Bro!
I want to say that’s Tom “TH” Holzerman’s (co)creation. Pretty sure it’s one of his “Find me elsewhere on the web” on his The Wrestling Blog
wait, looks like i’m a dumb, as usual, and it’s just a link on TWB, not a “I also do things here” for Tom. blarg
Yeah, go there for the Ebessan Trios gifs, stay for the Archibald Peck Sadness Tour of New York.
I was a co-contributor to that at the beginning, but I don’t know how to make .gifs, and that’s what all the cool kids want to see. All credit for that amazing Tumblr should go to Vince Morales, who defines the words “cromulent” and “problem alcoholic.” I’m only making one of those ones up. WHICH ONE IS IT?
Uhhh…HULLO?
Jack’s okay, right?
:(
Alright, one last time I’ma drop a question in here: If you went to Trios, should I buy all three nights or is night 3 all I need to see. THESTINGER is the only reply I’ve gotten so far, and while I respect the crap out of his opinion on wrasslin, his Trios boner is like, the biggest boner. Howevah, if his feels are the same feels as the majority of you TrioBros, then I think that’d sell me on it.
Thanks for the boner compliment, Wrestling Bro!
Buy all three nights, because night three is made amazing by the build from stuff from nights one and two.
No, definitely get all 3 nights. Night 3 was amazing top-to-bottom, but it really does need Nights 1 & 2 for the ultimate enjoyment.
All three, no question. Not only is it helpful for the build but it was just some damn fine wrestling.
I’m still catching up on Chikara as cheap DVDs become available, but from watching the 2009 & 2010 Trios, you should definitely buy all three nights.
All three, without question.
I look at it this way: I texted someone after night one and told them it was the best and most fun I had ever had at a wrestling show. Night two kept that feeling up, and by night three, I figured we’d plateaued, and I’d end up enjoying the conclusion the way you do a good book. I figured it’d be a denouement, and a nice little bow on everything I’d seen.
It starts out with the Sendai Girls vs. ROH, and I vividly remember Brandon and I looking at each other and saying “They’re STARTING with this?”, because The Sendai Girls had been consistently the best thing there so far. Then the match happened, and was, bar none, the best Trios match of the weekend. At the conclusion we both said “How in the HELL is anything going to follow that?”, and ran off to give the Sendai Girls as much money as humanly possible.
And then things DID follow it, and ALL OF IT WAS AWESOME. By the end of the night, you have no idea how you got to where you are, but you don’t want it to end, ever.
My point is, you need to see the goodness from nights 1 and 2, so that when 3 blows you away, you can sit in awe of how unreasonably good the entire event was.
“Only Southern people should be allowed to speak into a microphone during wrestling matches.”
It’s my understanding that JBL renounced his Texan citizenship and is from New York City now.
C’est danser pas danse. And that’s the point!
I love the irony of Cena being on a “Rise Above Cancer” shirt. Get it?… because he IS cancer.
I know this isn’t the place yet but I’m watching Trios right now and Brandon and THESTINGER’s fro are featured very prominently in the Mr. Touchdown-1-2-3 Kid match.
Dude, that match was great. That’s exactly how a Mr Touchdown v 123 Kid match should be.
I’ll shut up about Trios until later this week.
(No I won’t.)
He didn’t die on Marth did he? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Also nooooo. . . I have tried to make BookSavvy’s JSoM pic my avatar 5 different times now. WTH Uproxx?
It came! It finally came!!!!
I’m seeing it, maybe your eyes are stuck on Marth?
Beth Phoenix: Jungle Adventurer must become a radio play. This is non-negotiable.
Next time, on Beth Phoenix: Jungle Adventurer – THRILLS! as Dolph Ziggler encounters a dangerous Viper; CHILLS! as Beth Phoenix tries to escape from the clutches of the sinister Professor Sandow!
I feel immersed in this universe now!
Just wait until the Tribal Time Travelers, the Usos, bring Beth back to the B.C. years to save the Funkasaurus race from near extinction.
I think maybe I should have cast Tensai as an sinister doctor instead of Sandow as a sinister professor. Thoughts?
STOP GIVING ME DRAWING IDEAS!!! Lol
BookSavvy – Nope!
I could totally see Tensai as the sinister doctor in a “Talons of Weng-Chiang” from Doctor Who way
The best part of this is that Bray Wyatt’s character doesn’t have to change at all to be a feature baddy. He’s even dressed for it already!
Also, someone figure out how “Great White” Sheamus fits in all this. I know he does, I just can’t put my finger on how…
JKoebs – “Great White” Sheamus is the jerk being a jerk to the natives, like in Heart of Darkness.
And, yes, more Bray Wyatt’s SWAMP CULT
Sheamus is an Ood. He acts like he wants to serve, but deep down is driven to violence (although, really, it’s just because his brain has been removed and replaced with an electrical circuit).
(/faints)
I fully expect to hear the exclamations of a precocious Zack Ryder during this radio series. Sadly he’ll be inaudible due to the toffees and colourful rocks in his cheeks.
Fiendish Dr. Tensai and Yoshi Tatsu are obviously set up on Kung Fu island where they are building up a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude.
Bellyflop – Yes!
That Swagger story was really well written. Anyway, I actually liked Kofi in the specific context of the match. Kane’s this big powerful dude so Kofi’s trying to do a bunch of ridiculous moves at a really fast pace to get an advantage because he’s not as strong as him.
This is on a different note, I was searching around on the net and found that Jello Biafra, the guy who should really be our President said something like wrestling is a symptom of America trash or something like that. Obviously that’s ridiculous but I was wondering why wrestling is still considered trash. Wrestling hasn’t been hardcore ridiculousness since the 90s but it still has that stigma from people who don’t watch it and I don’t know why. I mean WWE is blocking all of their WWF Attitude footage because Linda’s opponent who probably hasn’t watched wrestling ever is using it against her negatively. If wrestling was super boring and no one had any personality, and everything was just guys doing good technical wrestling would people have anything to complain about?
I was in attendance in 2000 when Jello was trying to get the Green Party nom. Good guy, too!
Also, wrestling can be about 99% of in ring actual wrestling and still allow people to have amazing personalities and tell compelling stories. I was in fucking tears at three different times this past weekend, and I didn’t hear anyone say shit except for the time Chuck Taylor called me gay.
Huh, cool. I know you told me you voted for him in of the Raw live chats which kind of suck ass to have a conversation with someone on because there’s so many comments going through. What bothers me is that he said something about how its ridiculous for people to vote in Jesse Ventura because he’s a pro wrestler which is implying that all wrestlers are stupid or whatever which I feel is stereotyping. Still, I do love Jello.
The guy who made the All Star shoes called you a homo?
I agree completely.
Like, wrestling fans are the worst. I mean, most groups of people greater than 13 (or whatever size we had at Trios, that group was perfect) is probably pretty shitty. But, I get really protective around here when people come in and are all like “BUT CENA SUCKS FOREVER” or whatever bullshit the internet believes.
There are thousands of wrestling websites that people can read and comment on. And 99% of them are the same and just jerk off about how they want a return of the Attitude Era or whatever.
This place is special and different, and not at all representative of wrestling.
I can’t blame Jello, except to say that most Dead Kennedys fans are fucking scum.
Stinger you’re the best, you always put things in perspective.
MAKE OUT.
(might be supporting the point, not sure)
Are you Chuck Taylor?
HUG IT OUT!
When the Prime Time Players eventually win the tag titles can they have Millions of Dollars Belts in an old-school nod to Ted DiBiase? Please?
OH MY GOD YOU ARE A GENIUS
Only if Virgil can join in on the fun
I’m not against Punk losing because the ref said “meh, I missed that shit and I just don’t care” but, if the WWE really wanted to make Punk look evil, Punk should have beaten the ever-loving crap out of the referee.
More to the point he should’ve stomped a mudhole in his ass and said what a couple times.
I don’t feel that WWE’s trying to make Punk super evil bad guy, rather that he’s in his own right and in the middle of face/heel but not really either of them.
Given the ref was one I don’t remember seeing before, I thought Punk was going to beat the ever-loving crap out of him.
In fact, I think I encouraged him to do so in the thread last night. Oops.
Not even to make Punk look evil, but to keep the theme of “if you disrespect me, I will hurt you” he gave as evidence for kicking Lawler weeks ago. So an old man that bumps into you gets a (shitty) roundhouse to the head, but a referee that screwed up, admits he screwed up, but won’t do anything to correct it just gets berated for a few minutes? Bleh to you, Punk, bleh I say!
Keeping with the theme would be nice, Lobster Mobster, but, you know, WWe L0JiX.
Jack Swagger, NO!
Big Show really IS the devil.
I gotta run and play some Warhammer 40,000 but one quick comment:
How cynical was it for Raw in Connecticut 7 weeks before the election to really pound home the breast cancer awareness thing and make a big deal out of BAStar? It just felt crass and awful and I hate Linda McMahon and would not trust her to wash my car.
Also, everyone has homework and should watch Trios before Brandon’s write up on Friday. Because Trios is magic.
No more cynical than anything else they’ve ever done, really.
This week, read JSOM while listening to Bowie’s “Life on Mars” – I realize it’s a little on the nose, but still. And by next week, I’ll see if there’s a third Bowie song about space.
Re: Kofi – There’s no bigger “Welp, this isn’t gonna happen” moment in WWE than him clapping for that kick he does, but sweet merciful crap last night was the most hilariously poor attempt ever. He just did the kick 6 feet in front of Kane and landed facing him without ever coming close to actually kicking him.
Also, I’m starting to feel about you Trios people the way I felt about my college friends who came back from a semester overseas. This is 100% jealousy, but if you all start saying cheers or gracias instead of thank you I’m gonna go read PWInsider. I swear.
That third paragraph, for reals.
Starman, 85 (thought that’s more about alien invasion).
don’t worry, at least I won’t do that… however, I may break out a game of duck duck goose randomly
Would have been nice if you put a King of Trios spoiler warning on Page 4 rather than just mentioning the winners off-hand like that. :/
Sorry, it’s not a televised event so I assumed anybody that invested in it would’ve made sure to know about it by now. Changed it.
Brandon, I think you should find a copy of NoC and do a B&W because it really was a great (relatively speaking) PPV, with a couple of exceptions. Of course, I might feel that way because you have to do all the work of writing and I get all the fun of reading.
Also, I wholeheartedly agree that all announcers should be Southerners. For some reason, the accent brings it all together.
Wait…you KILLED OFF JSOM?
Why do I have this sudden premonition of Lobster Mobster hobbling Brandon with a sledgehammer and forcing him to write a new ending?
BUT! He only gave us chapter 30 today. There are so many chapters before 30! At least 29!
Nah, I won’t go Misery on B-Stro, he’s way too awesome, and I don’t know if I’m that crazy (Just kidding, I’m way more crazy than Annie Wilkes!)
And JKoebs is right, it could always be a non-linear telling.
Wait And See Where It Goes ™
-“Marth,” he whispered.- from last week was amazing, I laughed for awhile on that. I’m glad to see the storyline at least is still alive.
D-Bry was on morning radio today in PA and besides being an awesome wrestler he was somewhat out of character and was just a pretty cool all around guy. Talked about not being vegan anymore, stockpiling freeze-dried foods, and dating one of the Brie twins from what I heard.
So…. Cena apparently injured his ankle and tweeted about seeing surgeon, Dr. James Andrews. Said he will try to be back asap, so perhaps he will be out for a little while?
Maybe?
I can hope?
Great write up, Brandon.
Turns out he has surgery on his arm to remove bone chips, and he rolled his ankle.
Yeah, he rolled his ankle Sunday night during his match. People are saying he should take some time off so it doesn’t get worse, but we all know he has to be there every night for always.
Shocked there wasn’t a complication mid-surgery when John Cena jumped off the operating table pumped his arms in the air yelling.
He rolled his ankle Sunday night? So…what you’re saying is that somebody in the ringside seats had cryptonite in their pocket?!
Maybe it’s because he refuses to wear appropriate in-ring footwear…like I don’t know…wrestling shoes? Ankle support is kind of important.
Important question: How did Sandow not start gagging or dry heaving when he was that close to the meatball sub? I guess either prop sandwich or he had perhaps some lilac oil dabbed under his nose just prior to appearing on camera.
My guess is that he suffers from chronic rhinosinusitis and couldn’t smell a thing. The man is allergic to malarkey and was assigned to such triggering environments last night.
Makes sense.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one yelling “Serena… Luke… BRING ME JARED FROM SUBWAY!” at my tv. Eagerly awaiting KoT but I was glad we had the open thread for those of us who missed awesome.
Great B&WoR this week!! Especially considering the Jet/Car Lag. JBL put over more of the guys these past two days than Cole & Lawler have done… ever. It gave me a chance to Sandow Educate the MR on some old school wrestling references.
“FENG SHUI MORE!”- Ryback, Interior Designer
I cried tears of joy during Jack Swagger of Marth. I’m so worried for our hero!
WHAT HAPPENED TO CHAPTERS 2-29!?
Is the story of JSoM a compilation of old tablets collected from Mars, meaning we have to jump to Chapter 30 for now because our space archaeologists have not recovered & deciphered the other tablets yet?
Brandon, I’m with you on the WWE’s lack of moral code. I’ve been trying to figure out why it bothers me so much because, really, there has to be a personal stake in it for me to care this much.
It reminds me of high school. Cena and Sheamus are the popular jocks or the popular guy who says stupid shit and everyone laughs at and you just don’t get it. They get away with stuff because, hey, people like them! And any time someone points out the stupid, asinine crap they get away with (no lie, one of the players on my HS baseball team parked in the ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL’S parking spot with no repercussions, yes this galls me).
What I don’t get is why the WWE caters to those guys. How many people in the WWE’s audience are actually like that? It’s the anti-be-a-star era.
WWE is Saved By The Bell with wrestling! The code has been cracked!
The live mic that bounced into the crowd landed in my section. I tried to get to it, but obviously didn’t make it. For the record, the guy that yelling “GAULDBERG~” on it got kicked out
What would you have yelled (other than PUSH DAMIEN SANDOW of course)?
Him getting kicked out was one of the highlights of my night.
The only thing I enjoy more than seeing Heath Slater getting beaten by literally every opponent he faces is not seeing Heath Slater at all.
I really like JBL on commentary; he effortlessly slides into the “heel” commentator role and sounds confident and authoritative in everything he says. I know he’s got lots of money to count, or whatever he does these days, but he would be a welcome permanent addition.
I hate commenting on here when I have nothing more interesting to say than ‘hurr I liked the words about wrestling’ but this was an awesome read, and I really have nothing else to add. So yeah.
cool ‘hurr, bro.
I second that ‘hurr. ‘Hurrs all around.
Two time! Two time top comments!
Thank you for the +1s and thank you brandon for a killer write up as usual
So… Layla in normal clothes is a good thing?? Bad thing??
Good Thing :) …not “Eve in people clothes” good, but reaaallllllyyyyy close.
For the record, Kaitlyn in Ultimate Warrior clothes is an incredibly close third.
very good thing
Kaitlyn in Ultimate Warrior cosplay trumps all. Until Natalya and Beth Phoenix do Legion of Doom cosplay.
Tobogganing Bear:
“Nice to see Big Show taking time out from being Honey Boo Boo’s mom.”
This comment made me laugh/cry, TWICE! Well done, T-Bear.
every week I have to pick like 5 Bear comments and narrow it down to the one I like the most
It’s a T-Boggs Bear World, we’re just living in it.
You guys are far too kind. You’re saying nice things about a guy that is currently shouting at his TV during Face Off.
Now, I know I’m not the only one whose favorite part of the write-up is becoming the Jack Thwagger Thaga. It’s compelling and well told and I can’t wait to find out how Hunico and Camacho fit into all of this.
*Camacho (lol)
NUTS! You beat me to it, Lobster. OH WELL, LOL CAMACHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Hug It Out is the new Megapowers handshake.
Hug It Out is the new Ultimate Maniacs let’s-go-snort-a-few-lines-after-the-match
A WINNER IS YOU!
A sizable portion of your readers are Republican and Libertarian “right wing nutbags,” myself included, who really don’t want to feel like we’re unwelcome interlopers. I know its an election year, and the snake-dancing crowd are always fair game, but we just want to talk and laugh about wrestling like everyone else. Would you enjoy it if you were reading an article about the Philly Phanatic. You probably wouldn’t care if you knew the author was a Libertarian, but would you like it if the otherwise hilarious author decided to devote a paragraph to how honey-puffed Kashi is really honey-puffed Katsh1t and vegans who eat it are echinococcus granulosus vectors? Yeah, exactly.
It’s not a good feeling to be told you’re not part of intended audience. You know, like whenever Brodus Clay is on RAW dancing with children or Cena writes “JBL IS POOPY” on a car.
Be a Star. Not a Sheamus.
“nutbag” is the important part, not the “right-wing”. Right wing’s only there to tie it to Vince McMahon, who is right wing, and also a nutbag.
Stupid editing made that incomprehensible.
Strike “Would you enjoy it” from the sentence re if you were reading an article about the Philly Phanatic, add an “and,” delete the period, and lower-case the y in the following “You.”
I got it. Apologies for offending you. Politics are absolutely not my bag.
Oh boy. a Conservative with a persecution complex. Haven’t seen that before.
Yes, because the WWE doing this whole caring about breast cancer and BAStar thing so heavily while in Connecticut is not at all political, and should never be discussed ever.
I’m sure there’s a lot of internet that will tell you about wrestling while letting you feel good about being a fascist.
I love how in TheStinger’s world there are only two views…his and fascism.
Yes, because there is nothing fascist about a modern political movement that wants to give over government services to corporate interests, frame anyone that doesn’t meet their view of “American” as somehow other, continuously wants to bomb the rest of the world, is openly racist and intolerant of Muslims and Mexicans, gets erect over the thoughts of strength and power, and can’t go two sentences without talking about “American Exceptionalism”.
There is literally nothing at all fascist about that. At all.
Outside of just being awful and up their own ass, the 1960s American counter culture movement’s biggest crime was stripping the word “Fascism” of any meaning when it does, in fact, have very specific meanings that we are seeing right now.
You’re stupid and should read a book.
When THESTINGER comments, you know shit’s gonna go down when he starts his sentence with “yes, because…”
I just want to say that I find it a little fascist that THESTINGER is telling me I can’t call someone a fascit just because they were a slightly rude jerk to me. Word police, man!
Having to Reconcile (That) Shit (Motherfucker) in real life is shoot way more terrifying than trying to do it in the world of pro graps. I’m glad I don’t have anti-THESTINGER views.
Wow, that escalated quickly. For what it’s worth, Fancy, I find it a little disconcerting that an opinion columnist who titles his columns “Best and Worst” makes you feel like an “unwelcome interloper” when he takes a shot at right wingers. From what I’ve been able to see, the only reason for me to read these reports is because:
a) Brandon is a better writer than 90% of the people who talk about wrestling on the internet (myself included) and;
b) Brandon looks at issues from a vantage point that I find weird and fascinating.
I would assume that many people that lean right read the reports. Brandon has written things that I find ridiculous. He’s an opinion columnist and I suspect it’s going to happen again. If I’m really confused, uproxx has a comment button and I can discuss my issues with everyone here. I don’t want Brandon self-censoring because he’s worried about my fragile feelings.
I’m also confused by why theStinger (who makes assume gif’s) thinks his list includes examples of fascism. You don’t like the Republican party and think that fascism is a good insult. For instance, while the government granting private businesses an increased role in the economy may bother you, government’s limiting their control over the services provided in the country is not fascism. Read a book yourself and consider making it a dictionary. Also, thanks again for the gifs.
I can always tell when I’m discussing a topic with a true intellectual giant when s/he sees everything distinctly in black and white, falls back to dependence on loaded terms to try to make a point and calls anyone that questions him/her in any way some form of “stupid”.
TheStinger is nothing more than the liberal equivalent of those on the right who scream “Socialism!” every time the government involves itself in any economic realm, no matter how benign or the precedent for government involvement.
Or he’s doing an incredibly well executed troll job based on overstatement, almost a best and worst on steroids. The WWE is fascist comment (that I missed below) is either the work of an invented character, crazy dog whistle analysis or something else. In any event, it’s entertaining.
So, instead of actually saying where you disagree, you two would rather just jerk each other off? Have fun with that. You guys are not welcome in the family of Wrestling Bros.
And I did not call you stupid because you disagreed with me, I called you stupid because you disagreed in a stupid way. Of course there are other viewpoints than my own that are not fascist. But when actual fascist things are happening, between corporatism to talks of American exceptionalism to scape goating non-whites to a fetish for power and violence, then it is probably a little fascist.
But, yes, if you two want to deal in reality and actually discuss issues instead of attempting to dogpile it would be great. Otherwise you two should probably go play some XBox or ride your bikes or do whatever it is kids do these days.
please consider using somewhere other than a wrestling column’s comments section to discuss politics, friends
TheStinger, I’ll be glad to discuss politics in an intelligent way when you show that you are more than a one-trick pony. Your posts on the subject show absolutely no level of nuance or a desire to do more than demonize your opponents. In short, my response was completely at the level which your posts deserve.
And, Brandon, completely no offense intended, but you lose the high ground to call for people to not discuss politics in a wresting column comments section when that very column discusses politics.
Maybe so, but I get it back when I’m the editor-in-chief of the blog on which the column appears and am in charge of moderating the comments.
Brandon, I’ll message you my reply to take it off of here. Thanks.
I love the way they’re bringing Sandow along, and it’s exactly what they should have done with Del Rio. Sandow comes out, says his piece, then proves himself by beating someone on the lower to midcard range. He’s now firmly in the IC Title picture, which he should win and hold for like 6 months. Then, BAM, he’s ready for the main event and all the fans will buy it because they just saw him kicking ass for 6 months.
Instead, they immediately throw Del Rio into main event matches which he rarely wins and then put him in some half baked feud with Sheamus, who continuously makes him the butt of his jokes because MEXICAN. He should have been snapping half the roster’s arms with the IC Title around his waist for his entire first year in the company. At this point I’m waiting for a flashing ‘THIS GUY IS IMPORTANT’ graphic when he comes to the ring, although I guess that’s what the cars are for.
Anyway, another good B&W, Brandon.
They couldn’t go slow, because everyone knew he was supposed to be a big deal, fairly quick
I feel like everyone knew he was suppose to be a big deal because WWE told everyone he was supposed to be a big deal. But I also think I might just be trying to rationalize why I don’t care about him as much as I should, because he’s good in the ring and I don’t have any major gripes about him. I want to like him, but for some reason I just don’t care.
@Ricky: It’s because he’s in an untractably long program with Sheamus.
Yeah, you’re probably right, Keith.
Brandon, you have always been, and will always be, wrong about Kofi Kingston. You are no more objective about it than I am. If you watched it objectively and think he is a terrible wrestler, I don’t know what to tell you.
Here is a guy in Kofi, who is pretty athletic and doesn’t really put it to good use. He does a huge flying clothesline and a cross body off the top. Fine and well, but I saw Ricky Steamboat do those 30 years ago and do them better. I’m not comparing Kofi to Steamboat, I’m just saying, try to evolve. Kofi is also the guy that SCREAMS out what he is going to do before he does it. “Hey bro, you know I’m about to drop both my legs into your stomach when I get the whole crowd to yell out BOOM BOOM BOOM with me. Also, same thing with my finisher.” It compromises the intelligence of both his opponent and the crowd when all the guy does is lay there waiting for Kofi’s feet to hit him. In the case of his finish, why would you just stand up and feed into him when you can hear him screaming in the corner. You mean to tell me his opponent can’t hear a large man and 10,000 people screaming along in the crowd?
You write words good. Thanks for doing so.
Great read. I want to hold off on your Trios report until I get a chance to watch it, but there’s no way I can keep myself from your writing for that long. Especially since I know most of the Indy guys you are referencing. Can’t wait for Trios and the write-up.
*since I NOW know most of the Indy guys
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that about Whittle.
+1
It just seems uncharacteristically (and disappointingly) mean-spirited, shoe-horned into this report. Be A Star?
It was pretty contextual. I mean, Jared was on the show and we were at the same wrestling show this weekend, I didn’t just work in a way to talk about Subway for no reason.
I didn’t see it until it was brought up in the report, but yeah, I TOTALLY see it.
Shoe-horned? No. Mean-spirited? Pretty much.
Sooner or later I’m going to write AU Wrestling fan fic and it will be all of you whom will be held responsible. (The absolute horridness of it will make your eyes bleed like outbreak) Also, Solid report as always Brandon of Trios.
I say this every week, but this is great Brandon. Thank you for these awesome articles. To break the spell of repeating myself, I’d like to say that at the top of every comments section is that little banner saying “Hi [profilename], Got something to say?
I read that every time as Dan Castellaneta doing itchy’s voice speaking to poochie. And it makes me smile.
Ha!
I can’t unhear that now and I feel like we’re all better for it.
I feel like I have to give you a +1 here for somehow making a Poochie joke on WL that wasn’t about Triple H.
I also now assume that before RonSwanson types something he says “Yes, I certainly do!” out loud.
So here’s my rant about WWE morality, and its a tough one.
At the Smackdown/ATX taping recently, Sheamus had punked out DelRio by stealing his car and then gets mad when Sheamus calls the cops and has his ass beat by the police state thugs. My rant from the top row of the Frank Erwin: SHOULDN’T HAVE STOLE HIS CAR!
Then, Daniel Bryan is about to tap out Orton when Kane’s music ‘distracts’ him. He gets scared. Whatever. Randy beats him with an RKO. Lame, that’s completely a heel victory.
But then, out of nowhere, HHH comes out and jumps a defeated Daniel Bryan and hits a Pedigree?
A ‘good guy’ jumps a ‘bad guy’ after the bad guy spent almost 15 minutes fighting a dude and the crowd cheers. I let the fans know how stupid they all were.
God, I wish I got those front row tix.
I hate WWE’s version of modern morality. But ‘rasslin’ has always been a reflection of current cultural thought. Perhaps this is an indictment of the ‘entitled, I get what I want no matter what’ mentality youth culture has now?
Thoughts?
America is very rapidly becoming a nation of white men who feel alienated from their labor and communities, and who view multiculturalism as an attack on their culture. The blue collar middle class is destroyed and economic anxiety encourages the most ugly and vile tribalism.
The WWE reflects this by having ethnic heels, East Coast intellectual types, and villainous vegans. The WWE is a power fantasy for an increasingly fascist nation that feels insecurity and alienation.
Re: Sandow, I always thought the hot pink clashed with his purple kneepads. I like his color scheme now. It matches.
Not gonna leave any spoilers, but EVERYONE should watch Smackdown this Friday! I can’t wait!
Good job, Brandon!
Excellent write-up as always, Brandon. Thanks again for the Top-10 nod.
“Layla + real people clothes = Jesus”
THIS. Last night was the first time I was like, “Wow. Layla is incredible looking.”
This is good times. MOAR JSoM!!!
1.) JBL can only stay if he gets himself a less whiny and grating voice! His voice is close to Vickie Guerrero painful, and I’m almost glad I missed Raw now that I know he was there. I saw the (surprisingly decent) divas title match from the ppv thanks to someone’s twitter linkage and I seriously had to pause several times because his voice is just that unbearable to me.
2.) Still don’t get the Kofi hate. You’re going a bit nuts on this, but I’ll agree to disagree for now.
3.) Besides, or perhaps because, Subway has some semblance of redeeming health content, it’s pretty much the only mega-chain fast food-type place I can eat at without feeling disgustingly horrible afterward. Charley’s is the best chain sub joint by light years, but Subway is edible.
4.) Fuck the WWE’s ass-backward moral code and whatever societal excuses that lead to it. Seriously, to hell with this shit.
1) Really? I just hear a slightly more trebly Jesse Ventura when JBL is announcing
2) It’s that Kofi’s offense doesn’t make too much sense in a fake fighting way. For instance, everyone has taunts before their favorite attacks. But it seems everything Kofi does is preceded by an appeal to the crowd. Second, he’s just awkward in the ring. Even his efforts to dump Dat Boy D Bry out of the ring looked like he was about to Press Thesz, and got confused halfway to Bryan and decided “welp, time for a double leg,” and then got confused even further before he remembered that maybe he should just hoist DB over the ropes.
3) Edible should be the baseline for anyone purveying food. If I’m going to pay cash monies, I want my food to taste like something I’d want to eat. Also, I’m certain Brandon is also speaking from a vegan standpoint here, in which case Subway’s food is probably a) scarce and b) even shittier than cheeseless stale nachos.
4) I’m with you all the way at this point.
JBL’s great, frag you.
I’d just like to say that I completely agree about Nexus. Everything about it. Nexus should be the underlying story. That is to say, it should still be the underlying story. Hell, The Rock would have made the ultimate “Bigger Picture.”
But, now, they could be even more evil slash ex-Nexus dudes. Like, they could have the armbands except they’re in varied states of dilapidation. And they mostly act like The Boondocks Saints.
I’m pissed about the pink too, but whatever, at least Sandow finally showed up on RAW again.
When I say “I’m pissed about the pink,” I mean I’m pissed that now the “bad guys” can’t wear their pink because PROPAGANDA CONSPIRACY MACHINE CENA is now rocking the pink.
“I’m Pissed About the Pink” with an angry face would be the best confusing-to-non-wrestling-fans wrestling t-shirt ever.
I think you’ve got something there! Perhaps on the back it could read, “It Doesn’t Belong To You!” just to further the confusion.
I’d wear an “I’m Pissed About the Pink” T-shirt. Let’s get Daniel Bryan to say it next Raw!
Jack Swagger on Mars is going to become Beth Phoenix on Mars, right?
Enjoyed John Cena saying that good guys don’t attack people after the match, and then teaming with Sheamus.
Avocado is a fruit.
are you just fact checking me now or what
Another great read ;)
“It wasn’t necessarily BAD”?? MizTV was terrible, much like most of the talk show segments, but it was REALLY BAD. I was surprised how much you hated on children internationally but gave Miz blathering about while Booker T tried to get a word in edgewise, and how sad is it if I’m think Booker T should get a chance on the mic? Ryback should have his own interview segment, if only to throw more things at different things.
Sadly, JBL is climbing a mountain in Africa this weekend, according to twitter, so I don’t think he’ll be returning. I’m going to miss him so much.
Great job on this one.
I’m on board the Nexus Revived bandwagon.
This is reaching, but follow me on this one.
In regards to the WWE moral code (which I dislike) I think maybe I understand what they think they are doing. By having the “Faces” do horrible unprovoked acts of terribleness to the heels, they are doing to assholes, what EVERY bullied kid wishes they could do to bullies who harass them constantly. They run the Be-A-Star campaign, because they don’t want people to be bullies, and they want people to be proud of who they are. And then all the “good guys” stroll out and kick the ever living shit out of every bad guy as a way of putting assholes in their place, because fuck bullies and quit being a bully bitch face. Even if the heel has yet to do anything other than having a different opinion, by labeling them a heel, everyone is supposed to associate that person as being an awful douchebag bully who makes people feel sad. Therefore, when “faces” come out and do awful things to them, it is giving them what they deserve for being aligned with the bullies and assholes of the world.
For example, Del Rio didn’t steal cars or anything like that. But because he is a heel, he is a bad guy. And people want to see those bad guys get humiliated every day. Because people who get bullied get humiliated every day, and they want some payback. So when Sheamus takes Del Rio’s car, its like getting back at the prick who stole your marker and drew dicks on your notebook. Del Rio didn’t draw dicks on Sheamus’s notebook, but by being a heel he is associated with people that do draw dicks on people’s notebooks.
Ziggler used to wear a pink shirt, and unprovoked and like a 5year old, Jericho implies Ziggy of containing a butt load of gayness, even though Jericho wears a light up jacket. This represents a kid getting made fun of for his pokemon shirt, and wishing he could tell the bully, “FUCK YOU, YOU’RE A HOMO WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM!”
And the examples go on and on and on.
I of course disagree with this logic, because then you are telling your audience that if someone is an asshole, be worse than them and assault them. Instead, they should go back to the old method of having the heels be super awful and steal cars and use gay jokes, and have the faces win clean fights and take the high road regardless of the situation. Because thats what good guys should do and promote to kids. “HEY KID! DON’T FEEL SAD! JUST KEEP BEING YOU, AND YOU WILL WIN IN TIME, AND ALL WILL WORK OUT!”
Sadly, the WWE won’t do this, because it will mean every Raw will consist of good guys getting beat down, leading to kids feeling like bullying never gets resolved and feeling sad.
So instead of constant heel behavior, and faces surprising everyone by overcoming at ppvs and select Raws, we get faces constantly beating on bad guys who basically have a difference of opinion, with the heels occasionally overcoming good at ppvs and select Raws.
“It’s the world we live in! God help us all!” – Remember the Titans
This realization helps me sleep at night, and convinces me that the WWE does care about bullied kids, and wants them to feel like bullies always get what is coming to them. While they are going about it the wrong way, I can at least understand.
Feel free to shit all over my point of view.
I’m several days late to the party, but I agree with your assessment. I don’t know if WWE is putting that much thought into it, but it makes sense. It’s also a case of: they want their audience– bullying victims or not– to always be happy.
So instead of the old days when the Horsemen got the better of Dusty for weeks (months?) at a time, and *finally* got what they had coming in the end; it’s just the feel-good scenario of “the good guys always win!”
Marth.