Yes, the latest issue of Sports Illustrated will feature a cover story on the (at the time of this post) wildcard-hopeful Orioles and the unlikely sports capital of Bodymore, Murderland. More importantly, the piece is written by David Simon, creator of The Wire, the best show in the history of television. The story even has “The Wire” in the title.
To celebrate David Simon’s appearance in SI and his willingness to go, “hey, remember that show I made about Baltimore” on the cover, here are 10 alternate suggestions for Orioles/Sports Illustrated/’The Wire’ story titles.
1. “THAT’S SOME SPIDER-MAN SHIT THERE”, big picture of Adam Jones leaping to rob a home run.
2. “IS YOU TAKING NOTES ON AN AL EAST F**KING CONSPIRACY?”, possibly with a picture of Bobby Valentine holding a clipboard, assuming Bobby Valentine owns a clipboard/knows how to read.
3. “THE GAME STAY THE GAME”, which is almost too obvious. Cover photo is Eddie Murray bugging his eyes out like Cutty whenever anyone did or said anything around Cutty.
4. “YOU GONNA LOOK OUT FOR ME, TIM MCCARVER? YOU MEAN IT?” Story about how the Orioles will be received in the post-season. Sidebar story about somebody teaching Joe Buck how to say sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiit
5. “I THOUGHT I MIGHT LEGALIZE DRUGS”, an examination of how bad the Orioles have been since they picked up Ken Caminiti.
6. “AY YO OMAR COMIN’” 5-page story about Omar Quintanilla and his love of that Honey Nut.
7. “WHAT THE F**K DID I DO?” — Buck Showalter.
8. “THE GREEK”, a story about Peter Angelos and how he never really does anything to help anybody, but ends up getting credit for everything.
9. “YOU COME AT THE KING, YOU BEST NOT MISS”, about how the Yankees are just going to win the goddamn division like they always do. Sorry.
10. “THIS SHIT? THIS IS ME, YO. RIGHT HERE.” Most depressing SI article ever.
If you’ve got a suggestion, drop it in our comments section below. Look the part be the part, motherf**kers.