Now we'll just have to stage romance during regular riots.

As we’ve previously discussed, the current NHL penis-measuring contest is slated for a big decision on Saturday. If the NHL owners and Players Association can’t come to an agreement by then, the NHL lockout will be a reality and it’s all going to get a whole lot uglier, because neither side learned anything from the NBA and NFL lockouts of 2011, except maybe that if you cancel a third of the season, your ratings will still be great. And if that’s what the NHL owners and executives are hoping for, well, good f*cking luck.

Last night, though, there was a glimmer of hope in this otherwise bleak offseason, as David Canter Tweeted that the owners and NHLPA had come to a surprise agreement and that the season was saved. It should be noted that Canter is a football agent, so what the hell does he know? Well, he knows what Pierre McGuire tells him.

Too bad the Pierre McGuire in question was a “parody” account. Needless to say, Canter spent the next few hours dishing out apologies to pissed off Tweeters in one of the most remarkably sad mea culpas you’ll see this year.

So where do we actually stand in regard to getting this season underway on October 11? Well, neither side has contacted the other since August 31 and Canadian players are already challenging the work stoppage in court to make sure they’re paid during the lockout. Translated: Ain’t looking good, hosers.

Donald Fehr, who took over as union head two years ago, said his players are resigned to a work stoppage, which would follow lockouts last year in the NFL and the NBA.

“A lot of them think that pure and simply they were taken advantage of last time and the owners want to take advantage of them again,” he said during an interview Monday at the union’s New York office. “It sorts of looks exactly what happened in hockey the last time and exactly how it played out in basketball and football so far. But I hope not.” (Via CTV News)

And players are definitely not optimistic about where everything stands, as they’re already looking at spending a nice Halloween and Thanksgiving at home.

“I hear November, December and New Year’s,” Bruins goaltender Tuukka Rask said. “But no one really knows.”

Asked if anyone was talking about October, he said: “No.”

So yeah, Saturday’s going to be a pretty sad day for hockey fans.