As always, I’d like to preface this post about fantasy football by saying that I do not, under any circumstance, believe that I am an expert. And as always, I will say that anyone who claims to be a fantasy football expert and does not win his or her league every year and post the results for us to see is a douche liar. I’m just a dude who loves competition among friends and a reason to cheer a little harder for games I don’t give a sh*t about on Sundays.
That said, I take fantasy football way too seriously sometimes. Everyone does. But a friend forwarded me an email yesterday morning (from a friend of a friend of a friend) and I believe that we have found THE person who takes fantasy football way too seriously. WAY TOO SERIOUSLY. Now, I need to make a few things clear:
1) I do not know the person who wrote this email. It was forwarded to me through multiple parties, so I can profess my ignorance if the person who wrote it comes hunting for my blood.
2) I have left out the names of the people involved, as to not humiliate the people involved.
3) I have also edited out some mentions of work and school, so that it’s even harder to identify the people.
Basically, I expect to receive an email at some point from one really angry fantasy football commissioner, but until then, I present to you a 100% real fantasy football email that proves that we all take this stuff way too seriously.
UPDATE: Fun’s over. :(
Three thoughts: 1) The guy that this was written about needs to have the nickname Taco from here on out. 2) Just replace him. If a bro doesn’t draft or call you back, replace him. It’s simple. Save your thousand words and move along. No need to get all finger waggy. 3) Maybe he’s dead. Someone should probably go by his place and check on him.
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The word “pathetic” is an understatement.
Bro-dude’s got no worries for when he has to become a real , I’m pretty sure after the job interview, he’ll be able to say he CRUSHED IT
I feel like I don’t ever want to play fantasy sports again.
Some day the “names withheld” will be Burnsy and Feklahr.
Oh, except I don’t have a job to withhold?
I really hope the response letter was a simple sentence:
“Fine me then, Commissioner Shitbag.”
I’m trying to find out what the response was. If he hasn’t responded, I’m going to volunteer a Mad Libs response.
I really hope that somehow this letter was addressed to C-Tates. *wink, wink*
drinking and grinding on girls > anything involving this wiener
bro made the only sane choice
Eh, I’ve seen a lot worse in LARPs and Warhammer. Not for nothing, but nerds can be way more insufferable when it comes to things that are supposed to be “fun”.
Very true, my hubby plays D&D and some of those guys can get WAY too caught up in that stuff.
Pussy > Fantasy Football. Sorry virgin who wrote this email.
I love the attempts at redaction, but this kid is clearly in law school. No fucking question. That is clear from A) the way too serious tone of letter and league; 2) the self-righteous ‘responsible’ talk from the commish (i’m sure this league has minimum 10 pages of by-laws; 3) Study for the [blank] and get a job in the real world as a [blank]?!?!? what else could it be besides the bar and become a lawyer ‘representing the profession’.
Hey, just doing my part in covering my end. People are smart, they’ll figure out what they want.
Could be study for the CPA exam and represent the profession of “mob accountant”.
I wish everyone in my league blew the draft off and went autodraft. I’m dying to know if this is a money league or if they just play for bragging rights. Any info on that Burnsy?
I really hope it’s just “for friendly competition” and nothing is actually at stake.
Still waiting on the details. I’m hoping to talk to the recipient later today, because, in the defense of the author, who the hell bails on a fantasy draft?
Somebody who gets pressured into playing by “one of his best friends?”
“Dude, you gotta play! We need one more! Come on, bro!”
And who in the hell sees his opponent with an open position or a couple of inactives and thinks “Hey! Why isn’t he subbing players in?”
I see an “IA” at 11:55am and think “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T CHECK YOUR TEAM IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES.”
Somebody in law school who has a chance to get laid, that’s who. Also, obviously a lawyer. Any C student in business school would take the dude’s money and see him as the easiest mark.
“Still waiting on the details. I’m hoping to talk to the recipient later today, because, in the defense of the author, who the hell bails on a fantasy draft?”
I drafted my two money league drafts and autodrafted my two free league drafts, though I did organize my top 200 players in each based on the scoring system. Both free league drafts were on Labor Day weekend and I had shit to do, especially during the one that took place at 10:30 pm on a Saturday night (the perils of joining a league filled with west coasters when you live on the east coast).
Best case scenario – dude goes undefeated, wins every game by at least 60 points
Someone drafted for him, what’s the big deal?
I quit playing fantasy about 3 years ago, I never regret it for one second. I highly suggest it.
“As one of your best friends”
“It’s not a valid excuse, that some stupid girl was grinding on you”
These two things don’t go together.
I really hope for this guy’s sake that writing (presumably English) isn’t as big a part of his job as he says it is. Because otherwise he might not have one for long.
“P.S. Mom says not to forget that it’s your sister’s birthday on Friday.”
If someone drafted for him, what is the problem? He had it covered and did not leave the league scrambling around for a replacement at the last minute. Sounds “responsible” enough for me.
Considering how we live in a World where people get shot over a dispute on Madden, this does not surprise me and that makes me a sad Panda.
This is what happens when you make a fantasy league with your Dad.
Hey I know that dude.
“3) Maybe he’s dead. Someone should probably go by his place and check on him”
You think that chick he was grinding with went praying mantis on him?
I’m my league’s commissioner and when we actually had everyone at the draft this year for the first time, I recognized it for the fucking miracle it was. Shit happens and people have lives. What is this guy going to do when they all have actual careers and wives and kids?
Also my emails to the league and individual owners only have 1 of 2 subjects:
1) Bitch, where’s my money?!
2) BITCH! I WANT MY MOTHERFUCKING MONEY
I do believe if the situation rose in my draft where so&so didn’t show up because he was getting laid, the common response would be ‘well, at least he has an excuse’. Followed by drafting him a kicker in the 3rd round.
Bingo. When a guy looks at his draft results and sees he took the Browns defense in the first round, he’ll make damn sure to attend next year.
Or, it could be some quality ass and he still won’t care.
I’m sure the auto-draft took someone for his friend right before he drafted that he really wanted. If that doesn’t happen and he gets his guy he doesn’t give a shit.
What happened? Why was the letter removed?
Long story. Second thoughts and all that jazz.
[webcache.googleusercontent.com]
Nothing ever really gets deleted on the Internet.
[www.duseyworld.com]
“The responsibilities to which you agreed to” is awesome, because you can totally tell he went back and tried to make it sound even MORE legalistic and pretentious by not ending a sentence with a preposition.
I’m inclined to side with the letter writer, as insufferable a shit as he seems to be, and coming from the lazy ass I am.
Wait are we sure this isn’t a guerrilla marketing ploy by “the league”… It’s very Ruxin’esque.
I’m assuming the recepient of the email is the one who started sending it around, because he disagreed with the sender or thought it was over the top, etc. Seems like the recepient is a bit of dick. I don’t play fantasy football, but it’s a collaborative thing and if you’re going to do it, make time to do it. One lazy ass can screw things up for everyone, I guess.
Seems like the sender, while a bit too sensitive, was trying to tell a close friend that he enjoys having him involved, but he’s being an ass and sucking some of the fun out of it for others.
You can’t tell me there are more pathetic fantasy football emails out there. I’m not in a league and I’ve seen at least two that are worse.
You can’t tell me there are *not* more pathetic fantasy football emails out there.