For some reason, Vince Young’s attorneys are apparently telling everyone with ears that the former No. 3 overall draft pick is broke and desperate for work. According to the Houston Chronicle, the 2006 Rose Bowl star has blown through the $26 million in guaranteed money that he received 6 years ago, as well as whatever other money the two-time Pro Bowler has made over that time. And now, after he was most recently cut by the Buffalo Bills, Young is dumpster-diving for Ramen noodles.

In an increasingly caustic war of words, attorneys have been arguing for months over whether Young is an out-of-control spender who put himself deeply in the hole or simply a victim of inexperienced advisers, one of whom was his own uncle.

“I would just say that Vince needs a job,” said Trey Dolezal, Young’s attorney, when asked to give a general assessment of his client’s finances.

In the wake of the accusations that super agent Drew Rosenhaus has knowingly been pushing his clients to a scam artist disguised as an investment guru, this really isn’t surprising. But good lord, NFL players! At what point do you stop and say to yourself, “Hey, maybe I shouldn’t let my friend or family member who has ZERO investment experience handle my money”? Better yet, when do these teams and billionaire owners finally step in and finally stop letting these athletes Brewster’s Millions themselves?

In one of those rare occasions when Darren Rovell isn’t complaining about how ugly Playboy Playmates are and has actual interesting information to provide, Young would have had to spend $7,000 per day since he was drafted by the Tennessee Titans to blow $26 million. So Danger Guerrero and I tapped our brains and tried to think of some of the more awesome things that we would buy if someone gave us $26 million to throw away. You know, if we were Vince Young.

  • A reenactment of the entire House Party movie franchise by toddlers.
  • Minka Kelly making me blueberry Eggo waffles every Sunday morning before she rubs my back while I set my fantasy lineups.
  • A carousel.
  • A punching bag that looks like Gene Simmons’ son that is actually Gene Simmons’ son.
  • A robot dog that says “Don’t worry, Vince. Merrill Hoge is just a big jerk.”
  • Keith Jackson calling Matt Leinart every morning and yelling, “Texas 41, USC 38! Vince Young is MVP! SUCK IT, HERPES BOY.”
  • Freak Nasty performing at his birthday party.
  • A calzone made by a hot Italian woman.
  • A life-size Andre the Giant robot that only quotes Princess Bride lines.
  • A car made out of diamonds that runs on diamonds and shoots diamonds out of the tailpipe.
  • A bicycle built for 6,000 people.
  • The balloon house from UP.
  • Unicorn cloning. (I know that unicorns may never have existed, but dammit I would spend a ton of money trying to make one.)
  • Legal fees for Kate Upton restraining order violation hearings.
  • My face on 6 million pennies that I would give to homeless people so they’re worthless but they think I’m a nice guy.
  • Stealth hang glider.
  • A Thundercat.
  • The entire collection of vehicles from M.A.S.K. but real, so I can have a motorcycle that turns into a helicopter.
  • The cast of Archer reading me bedtime stories.
  • A baby elephant that has a boombox on its back.
  • Martial arts lessons from Steven Seagal, but so help me if he mouths off I’m going to hire someone to punch him in the dick.
  • A different type of cheese omelette every morning, and if there aren’t enough types of cheese I will pay someone to make new cheeses.
  • Socks made from the hair of Victoria’s Secret angels.
  • And probably a Golden Tee machine.