We don’t write a lot about soccer at With Leather, and when we do, it’s usually about dogs running out onto the field, Arianny Celeste’s nipples posing for cheesecake photos with a soccer ball or crazy fan brawls. You know, fun stuff. People getting kicked in the balls.
It’s less fun when life kicks somebody in the balls.
Real Madrid superstar Cristiano Ronaldo scored two goals in Sunday’s game, the team’s first victory after three rounds of the Spanish season, but nobody seems to care about that. What’s making the news rounds is that Ronaldo didn’t celebrate either goal. The reason? He’s sad, and if you knew him you wouldn’t have to ask him why, God, mom.
As reporters asked him about his two-goal night, Ronaldo solemnly said he didn’t celebrate in the team’s 3-0 home win over Grenada because he was “sad” for “professional” reasons.
“The people know the reasons why I didn’t celebrate the goals,” he is quoted as saying by Spanish news agency EFE. “I don’t do so when I am feeling sadness. It was due to a professional motive.
“The appropriate people inside the club know why I’m sad. I won’t say anything more.” (via ESPN FC)
As funny and melodramatic as that is, the response from his teammate is EPIC:
Quoted in Marca, [Real Madrid defender Alvaro] Arbeloa told reporters at the Spanish national team’s base in Las Rozas: “He just needs more affection from everybody, I don’t know, that’s all we can give him.
“Everybody has the right to be sad, he’s a person just like anyone else,” Arbeloa said. “He doesn’t share the problems of most Spanish people but it’s perfectly reasonable that he can be sad.”
That’s very true. Everybody can be sad, even people who aren’t from Spain, believe it or not! The best way to combat sadness is to love him. Arbeloa should’ve explained it to reporters using hand puppets. “It’s all right to be sad, Ronaldo, meow meow! It’s perfectly reasonable!” “Thanks, Daniel! Hey, while I’ve got you, where’s King Friday? I want to rip off my shirt and knee-slide at him.”
I think I speak for everyone when I wish Ronaldo the best, and hope that he comes to terms with whatever he’s battling within the club and works through it to become a better, happier player. Sorry, that was from a soccer blog. I speak for everyone else when I say “why don’t you use that €10 million a year you make to buy a jet ski and go ride jet skis, it’ll make you feel better about being so popular and beautiful“.
As a reminder, football season starts tomorrow, everybody.
[h/t Fark]
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Christiano Ronaldo is talented but he is a massive douche (whining, diving, berating refs, pouting, showing off etc.). Lionel Messi is arguably the better player AND is a super nice guy who doesn’t pull any of the lame prima-donna bullshit that Ronaldo does.
Come on everybody. Yes, you too, Ronaldo.
/group hug
//holds hug for a little too long
Yep, he needs a hug. Where’s Daniel Bryan when you need him?
He IS “Mr. Hug-It-Out” after all.
I have two theories why Ronaldo lost his smile.
1) He is the CM Punk to Messi’s Cena (if Cena had the wrestling abilities of vintage Kurt Angle and the speaking abilities of 4 horsemen Ric Flair) He lost the football player of the year award to Inestia (a guy like Randy Orton in the sense that he scores timely goals out of nowhere). But even if Inestia didn’t win the award, Ronaldo’s rival Messi would have won it because he had last year’s season set on Rookie difficulty. Ronaldo would score 3 goals and Messi would score 5. It’s giving Ronaldo the Punk complex. Even though his team are the defending champs, everyone is talking about two Barcelona players.
2) Back in the Ufford era of withleather, he’d report all the times Ronaldo would be in orgies with hookers and his Man United Teammates. Since his transfer to Real Madrid (which is around the time he banged Kim Kardashian), those stories have stopped. My guess is that he lost his smile because nobody wants to go near a woman he’s put his pole inside.
When you try to hug him, Ronaldo flops on the ground, screaming in agony. If there isn’t a yellow or red card awarded, he gets up and flees.
“He doesn’t share the problems of most Spanish people”
What Arbeloa is saying is that the whiney showpony actually has a job and a house, unlike many Spaniards, nothing to do with him being Portugese.