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Worst: Baby You Were Born To Be A Star

As bad as the musical performance by Machine Gun Kelly was (I’m not going to learn this new guy’s name, I’m pretending he’s Machine Gun Kelly), I wanted to use this spot to point out that Nattie Neidhart is a 12-year pro wrestling veteran who is the daughter of a legendary WWF Tag Team Champion and a legitimate family member to the Harts, one of if not the greatest wrestling family dynasty in the sport’s history. She is beautiful, great at wrestling and (as anyone who listened to her on the Art Of Wrestling podcast knows) a delightful, engaging person.

I wanted to use this spot to point out that Nattie Neidhart’s entire role at SummerSlam was to dance on the edge of a Diva line to a song nobody liked. That’s her job. That’s what they asked her to do at her job. Her wrestling job.

Dave Shoemaker of Grantland and I tried to start an ironic “THIS IS WRESTLING” chant after the dance number, but I guess nobody in Los Angeles watches TNA.

Best: Kaitlyn And Rosa Mendes Are Here, And They’re Dancing

That all being said, at least a few female performers I like and/or like to see got some form of a paycheck for this show. It was also nice to see Rosa back, since I missed her at the San Antonio Raw because her piece of shit developmental steroid monster boyfriend beat her up like an asshole.

The dance number gets a supplemental worst for two reasons:

1. Not focusing on Kaitlyn or what she was wearing enough, because Kaitlyn is a fox and she makes me nervous even when she’s like 1,000 feet away.

2. Letting Kelly Kelly and Eve dance beside each other. Come on, wrestling.

Worst: This Sheamus/Del Rio Thing

I didn’t take many pictures of the Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio World Heavyweight Title Match because I was so unbelievably angry throughout most of it. It’d be corny to say I tried to turn Alberto Del Rio face on Sunday, but I did my best. I sincerely believe that Sheamus is the heel in the situation and Del Rio is the face. You can only “get someone back” for what they did to you so many times before it becomes YOUR shitty thing you’re doing, and Sheamus is well beyond that.

I wanted to become a big Sheamus booster after meeting him at the press thing, but here he is hitting Del Rio with a shoe and pulling his feet off the ropes so the referee can’t see him and break the pin. There was enough tomfoolery that Lawler can say “Del Rio is the one that brought the shoe into the ring!” or “Del Rio deserved it!” or whatever, even if he can’t add “because he’s brown” and “because he doesn’t speak English as his first language” at the end like he wants.

I’ve written extensively about how WWE good guys act like bad guys and how WWE bad guys act like good guys, and this is just another example of it. WWE doesn’t have any real heroes, and sadly the closest things we get are CM Punk saying hateful things he means to people and everyone else being a terrible, childish sport whenever they’re defeated or wronged. It doesn’t make any sense, and you probably don’t need to read another 8 paragraphs about it from me, but Sheamus is a despicable piece of crap and I would be the happiest boy in the land to see Del Rio snap his arm in half. I miss the OIL FOIT HIM Sheamus who took it to Mark Henry last Summer. I want him back. The guy who hits you with a pipe and doesn’t have the announcers saying HE DIDN’T HIT HIM WITH THE PIPE until someone goads them into rephrasing it as HE HIT HIM WITH A PIPE BECAUSE THE OTHER GUY WAS PROBABLY GOING TO HIT HIM TOO.

It’s not an 18-second disappointment by any stretch, but they’re going to have to pull some Austin Saves Stephanie From A Satanic Wedding shit to get me to cheer for Sheamus again. Not having him be a reprehensible dickbutt every second he’s on screen would be a good start.

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This week's column is nothing but pictures of wrestlers with inappropriate crotches.

Worst: A WWE Championship Triple Threat Match Instead Of Heath Slater Or Damien Sandow, Because That Just Needs To Be Said

The WWE Championship triple threat was fine, but it was such a Raw main event I can’t think of anything fun to write about it. Big Show acted dominant but was ultimately overpowered and beaten easily because nothing they ever do with him sticks, Punk never did anything to demand the respect he claims he deserves (like complaining that Triple H and Lesnar were going on last instead of the WWE Championship match), Cena was Cena and Raw General Manager AJ Lee took at least 250 minutes to skip down to the ring and say “restart the match”. I get that you’re making precocious faces and all, but John Laurinaitis would’ve had that ish restarted before he got to the top of the ramp.

Worst of all was the standard “two guys fight while one guy lies on the ground” thing they love so much. You know the drill on that. Triple threat or fatal fourway matches should be an opportunity to play with wrestling tropes and approach the way moments, moves and crowd responses happen in a creative way. They shouldn’t be a singles match with three guys in it.

Watch this, then watch last year’s Cena vs. Punk match for an example of what I’m talking about.

Best: CM Punk Wins Like You Would In A Video Game

The highlight of the triple threat for me was the finish, with Cena hitting his finish on Big Show and Punk using VIDEO GAME LOGIC to just irish whip Cena out of the ring and pin Show for the victory. That was the best. Cena tried to pull the “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D DO THAT WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR RESPECT” walk of shame thing he does but who cares, he’s started doing that no matter how he loses. He just can’t comprehend that there’s a fair way to beat John Cena.

But Punk’s route was totally fair. Instead of saying I’M THE BEST IN THE WORLD BECAUSE I WIN AT WRESTLING on Raw like he does, maybe Punk should play the “I’m the best in the world because I pay attention to wrestling and have an attention span longer than four weeks” card. It’d explain his disgust about the Diet Soda, at least.